Monday, March 22, 2010

When you crawl

Fear not the change of going NC, with God all things are possible, and if I can do it, so can you. If He held my hand He will hold yours too. You don't have to be a card carrying Super Christian with perfect church attendance for Him to help you, you don't have to belong to a specific religion, you don't have to come from a perfect family background, you don't have to be as innocent & pure as the day you were born or of a certain sexual orientation, or any other lie people try to tell you or the devil whispers in your ear. We can hit our very rock bottom and sink so low according to society's standards, but there is no depth too deep for Jesus. Even if you feel like you have sold your very soul Jesus will buy it back and make things new again. The very second you turn to Him, you wont have to wait a second for Him to arrive. You will notice He has been there the entire time waiting for you. Those dark days when you are crawling, know that He is there crawling with you. When He reaches out His hand, all you have to do is grab it and if you are too weak to reach for Him, if you allow Him, He will carry you through. There is saftey in the Saviors loving arms. And if you have to crawl, He will crawl too!


Surviving the Truth

Last year I was at a crossroad in my life. I could either go on like I did my first 40 years and make excuses for the toxic, abusive narcissistic person in my life, or . . . 


I could face the truth that this person is primarily abusive, love is the opposite of evil, abuse is evil, love is not abusive, you don't abuse the ones you love, therefore this person does not love me and since abuse is evil, and this person is abusive, thus this person is evil. 


Once you accept one truth it leads you to another and another until the illusion of the person who you thought you knew is finally and fully exposed and you realize & accept that they are not only a Great Counterfeit, but their true identity is evil


My Counterfeit Mom, aka the momster, continues to have no remorse for her wicked words and evil behavior proving that she has no conscious. Those that have no conscious are evil reprobates that continue to hurt the ones they should love, because they take no responsibility for what they do to others. Evil reprobates view people (family & friends) as mere objects that they can manipulate, control, and abuse to their satisfaction instead of individuals who should be valued, treasured, and loved. Evil reprobates view people as replaceable items such as tires on a car that once served their purpose can be thrown away without a second thought, exchangeable items like shoes, clothes, or a purse that can be replaced by another whenever it suits them, disposable items, like toilet paper -- and we all know what we use toilet paper for! Yuck!

Standing at the Crossroad. There are two roads before me diverging in opposite directions. The familiar one that behind me shows abuse in my past, beside me shows abuse in my present, and down the road leads me to more abuse waiting to attack me.
or. . . 
There is the unfamiliar road that offers Freedom from abuse and a Journey to Healing. This road I hear provides an Escape from the Kingdom of Narcissism (aka the KON) & the reoccurring abuse to a Whole New World of Understanding, Validation & Love. Is it possible to take a different path? Should I take this different path?

When I desperately prayed, God show me the true identity of this toxic person. Is there any redeeming quality of love lying deep down inside her, or is this person really that mean, wicked, and evil? God allowed the last scales of denial to fall from my eyes, and for the first time in my life see this person for the truly cold & calloused hearted, no conscious, no remorse, unchanging/non-repenting evil person she really is. 


Her spell has been broken, no more illusions or delusions. Yes, that truth was scary, very scary, but the Holy Spirit was there to comfort me through this new revelation. It is frightening that the person who gave birth to you is truly evil and feels good when you feel horrible. She feels her best when you are at your worst. That way she can fly in and save the day -- watch out for the fangs, because her help comes with a price! 


Your gratitude will never be enough and she will remind you of all she has done for you when she is in need of a narcissistic fix from you. Narcissistic vampires pretend to be heros, but they are not in it for your good, but their own ego boosting & future leverage, which makes them a fraud and Counterfeit. Oh they may appear to do something good, but it is for the wrong reasons, a hidden agenda. 


They are incapable of keeping your private affairs private, and will brag how they rescued you from "certain despair" to anyone who will listen. This also serves a future purpose for when you explain how the Counterfeit has hurt you, their denial and lies will be believed over your truths, until they hurt that person too, then all of a sudden what you said makes sense to others, that the Counterfeit is not who they appear to be.

After going No Contact (NC) with the "Counterfeit Mother" it was confirmed to me that the person who gave birth to me was no Mother, but a mere egg donor, for the only response she gave to others about me going NC with her was, "then to hell with her!"--and she sincerely means it. Oh this was not the first time she doomed/cursed me to hell.


It took my husband and me 12 years to conceive and bring our beautiful daughter into this world. Along the way we suffered many loses. You would think that during this very painful time in my life my mom would do anything she could to be supportive, well a loving mom would, and she is not that! 


Due to our turbulent, dysfunctional relationship I was under strict doctor's orders to avoid all stress, which meant I had to go on a temporary no contact status with Counterfeit Mom. When I did not ask about how she was doing after talking to my Aunt (because as you know with toxic narcissistic people it is not how we are doing, but all about them), she replied, "well to hell with her!" and she said that to other family members as well. 


When family members would reply to her oh you don't really mean that, giving her lost of opportunities to regret what she said, instead she would remorselessly callously reply "Sorry, but that's just how I feel!" Astonished, shocked, and perplexed they would once again ask her, Do you really mean what you said, about wishing your daughter to go to hell? and Proudly, and heartlessly she would reply "yes, yes I do." 


One morning, towards the end of my 1st trimester, I woke up to a huge puddle of blood. I was having a miscarriage. Was her curse coming true? Good thing God has the first and last word on everything, and even though I lost 1/2 the blood & part of the embryonic sack game loose, God made a miracle and protected our daughter. He sowed her back in so good that later the doc's couldn't even find where the original separation occurred. 


Our God is truly Amazing! With God all things are possible, and what the devil (and his daughter "the Counterfeit Mom") meant for harm, God will do for our blessing & His glory. 


I can only imagine the response the devil's daughter had when the news got back to her that I almost lost my daughter. You would think the rude awakening that her curse tried to steal & kill my daughter would motivate her to be remorseful and change from her evil ways, you would think that, but once again you would be wrong. 


She most likely responded as she always does when one of her children experience something bad during a No Contact time with her, "deserves her right. She reaps what she sows. What goes around comes around. She deserves what she gets" She has made these same exact evil remarks to me about my siblings during their trials. 


Even after all this we still let her meet our daughter, and a year later let her stay with us for a couple of days until, The Proverbial Last Straw. There are countless accounts of the "Counterfeit Mom" covert & overt attacks to hurt her adult children, as well has the horrific physical, psychological, and spiritual abuse we had to endure in our childhood that created very deep soul wounds, that she has not one bit remorse for -- hard to imagine momster like that, I know. It is not just in horror movies, it is real life.


The "Counterfeit Mom"/devil's daughter is truly in all sense of the word is evil and does not love me because evil is incapable of love. Evil is as Evil does. The truth nearly killed me.

How many of the following characteristics describe the toxic, abusive, person in your life--or the person who was in your life exhibit?

Evil as defined by dictionary.com

E.vil
–adjective

1.
morally wrong or bad; immoral; wicked: evil deeds; an evil life.
2.
harmful; injurious: evil laws.
3.
characterized or accompanied by misfortune or suffering; unfortunate; disastrous: to be fallen on evil days.
4.
due to actual or imputed bad conduct or character: an evil reputation.
5.
marked by anger, irritability, irascibility, etc.: He is known for his evil disposition.
–noun
6.
that which is evil; evil quality, intention, or conduct: to choose the lesser of two evils.
7.
the force in nature that governs and gives rise to wickedness and sin.
8.
the wicked or immoral part of someone or something: The evil in his nature has destroyed the good.
9.
harm; mischief; misfortune: to wish one evil.
10.
anything causing injury or harm: Tobacco is considered by some to be an evil.
11.
a harmful aspect, effect, or consequence: the evils of alcohol.
12.
a disease, as king's evil.
–adverb
13.
in an evil manner; badly; ill: It went evil with him.

14.
the evil one, the devil; Satan.
Origin:
bef. 900; ME evel, evil, OE yfel; c. Goth ubils, OHG ubil, G ├╝bel,OFris, MD evel




1. sinful, iniquitous, depraved, vicious, corrupt, base, vile, nefarious. See bad1. 2. pernicious, destructive. 6. wickedness, depravity, iniquity, unrighteousness, corruption, baseness. 9.disaster, calamity, woe, misery, suffering, sorrow.

1. righteous.

Evil is an accurate term to use to describe toxic & abusive people. It is not an over statement. I hope & pray the world would accept it and use it more often. For many years my siblings & I joked around and said the Counterfeit Mom was evil & was the devil's daughter, but we didn't fully mean it because to accept that to be a truth is something we were afraid to face, however, fear not!

Knowing that your Counterfeit Mom/egg donor is evil will literally scare the hell out of you. Thank you God for holding my hand and walking me through this very painful, scary & healing revelation. Thank you for Your perfect timing of sending me an awesome husband, child, and friends to focus on and count my blessing while I burry the dead dreams of having a mother (even in the smallest sense of the word). Yes, folks it was my choice to leave an evil Counterfeit Father & Mother, but I still feel like that I have been orphaned by evil. Now I have no parents what-so-ever (except Father God), and even at the age of 40+ it is hard to bare that I have been orphaned by evil. However, God got me through it and He will get you through it too! Here is a great song that describes what I have been going through -- maybe some of you can relate?

Clay Aiken - I Survived You

God bless Clay Aiken!


What are your favorite songs that inspire you to go NC or inspire you to maintain NC?








Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Enablers are Secondary Abusers

(Disclaimer, people who choose to stay married to or live with the Nspouse in order to protect their children from the alternative shared custody situation where their abusive Nspouse would do more damage if left alone w/the child does NOT apply to this article. My friends have enlightened me that there are situations where it is better to stay w/a toxic person IF the children would be harmed if left alone w/their abusive parent, and the children do not have the legal power to refuse visitation w/their abusive parent. If a person lives where there is forced visitation, I can understand why a loving & protecting parent would remain w/the abusive one until s/he had legal power to protect her/his child/ren. These are not enabling situations -- they are survival situations)

There are two types of People in the KoN, the Damaged and the Disordered. The Primary Abuser, the Overt N is obviously Toxic, Disordered, Pathological, and a Sociopath. It is not hard to identify his/her behavior & nature as harmful to others. However the rest in the KoN are not so easily identified. In the past Enablers have been classified fellow victims and helpless to end the Primary Abuser's/Overt N's Reign of Abuse. Are they really as helpless as they want us to believe? Or . . .

Is their perceived helplessness yet another Grand Illusion in the KoN? Just like the Primary Abuser, aka Overt & Obvious N, Are Enablers not who they appear to be?

The Overt N rules at the center of the KoN making or forcing everything and everyone to revolve around him/her, but does this person rule alone or is there a covert helper?

In this New Year, 2010, we can either go forward as we always do or we can take a hard healthy self-inventory and allow the Holy Spirit to convict us on things that we need to do differently in life. We can either make changes or we can continue to make excuses for the bad choices we make and the terrible choices others make. My new motto for this year, along with the Toxic Free Zone, is Make a Change, not an excuse!

So how does this relate to Toxic Relationships? In my life sooooooo much time was wasted on the Primary Abusers and dealing with the Toxic Mess they left behind. Part of dealing with the toxic clean up is quickly realizing who is with you and who is against you in the clean up process. Do other family & friends involved want to truly clean up the Toxic Mess and prevent future dumps & contamination by dealing directly with the Toxic Person who caused all the Carcinogenic Chaos, Detrimental Dysfunction, and Devastation, or do they really just want to cover it up by making excuses or Victim Blaming with Guilt Tripping Tactics of Forgive & Forget and Be the Better Person?

Is their idea of dealing with the overt N, aka Primary Abuser, and cleaning up the Toxic Mess, fixing the problem result in Whitewashing it all away? Nothing more than Excuses for the Abuses. Have you heard of Whitewashing?

For a great explanation of Whitewashing by the Enablers, aka Secondary Abusers or Silent Partners, click here.

In my family of origin, I was born into the position of Official Toxic Cleaner-Upper, or better yet, Official Toxic Waste Management (since nothing was ever completely cleaned-up nor cleared-up until I went No Contact [NC]). My younger siblings quickly learned how to fill my position when I was unable or no longer willing to perform this duty. As long as I offered "a shoulder to cry on," or perceived sympathetic ear the Toxic Person who I use to refer to as "mom" would seek out a relationship with me. However, when I started asking her to be accountable for the choices she made and the damage she caused to others she quickly found others who she could get her Narcissistic Supply of Sympathy from by portraying herself as the Martyr or Victim. She figured out real quick that if she had a "need to complain" and "express her feelings" about others to me (i.e., trash talk, put down others, aka Smear Campaign), then I mistakenly thought at least while she was talking with me, she would have to own up to the role she played in a given relationship or situation that "all of a sudden went wrong" according to her. Of course her favorite thing to do to avoid accountability is to have Selective Amnesia. The few times she actually admitted that her choice was wrong was instantaneously followed by a huge BUT . . . which was a List of Excuses in which I was to select one in order to justify her bad choice, and thus proving to me and everyone else involved that the other Person was wrong, and that she was blameless for her abusive behavior which she "couldn't help doing & had no other choice", thus she could not be held responsible for hurting others. She always had a "reason" to explain why she chose to do or say something that she knew would hurt someone so as to excuse & nullify her abusive behavior, and appear to the untrained/unexperienced eye that she "had no other choice to make", and that she could play the poor victim when people held her accountable for her mean calculated statements & behavior.

I would be lying if I said I never enabled her toxic abusive narcissistic behavior. As a child it was my Coping Mechanism to make excuses for an evil mother, "not herself today", "didn't really mean it", "doesn't know how to love because she wasn't loved (her Mother being abusive towards her has never been proven, quite the opposite in fact)". All this was done in order to avoid the very painful Truth rather than to admit, accept, and deal with the fact that the woman who gave me birth actually finds pleasure in her Children's pain. Children's enabling behaviors are understandable, because in Toxic Abusive Families they are powerless to require a change from the Abusers and Adult Enablers, for if the Child insisted that the Primary & Secondary Abusers change it would just expose them to further Abuse. I wish I could say that my enabling days ended with my childhood, but they didn't. They continued, although very infrequent, until about my junior year in College. Before I could be completely set free & healed from the abusive relationship I was born into I had to do some hard, tough, painful cleansing work on the role I played as the Enabler.

It is one thing to be born & raised in the N's KoN where being an Enabler is a way of Life, because we simply do not know any other way to live and the bottom line is that most People can not admit to themselves that the Person they love is truly Evil, therefore we make Excuses for the Abuses rather than realizing & admitting the Abuser has a choice and chooses to harm others. When Abusers attack their abuse is Victim Specific meaning they have complete control and awareness of what they are doing because they only chose to attack certain individuals. For more detail about how the Abusers know that they are doing is wrong, and are completely aware of what they are doing and have complete control over choosing to abuse click here.

I am so sickened by the News continuely reporting on how yet another child is murdered, because the adults in his/her life enabled the murder by making excuses for his/her abusive, evil behavior until it was too late and another precious life is viciously taken away. While physical abuse destroys the body the verbal and emotional abuse destroys the soul. The attacks from an evil person can be just as Destructful & Devastating when her weapon of choice is not her fists, but her Serpent tongue. The Holy Handbook says that we hold the power of life and death with our tongue. We can either create or destroy by just opening our mouths. The constant verbal & emotional abuse people suffer as Children can leave their souls so slaughtered that they don't know their own self-worth. They don't know that their own life has value and purpose. They become the walking dead who make terrible choices because they don't value themselves, since no one else ever did. Their bodies may be alive on the outside, but inside their Joy, Hope, and Spirit is gone.

Just a thought . . . If only one Adult Enabler (aka Silent Partner or Secondary Abuser) stands up for the abused, stops being a coward and starts being a Hero and says No More, the abuse stops now, then these tragedies could & can be prevented.

Buckle-up baby! Put on your spiritual seat belt, because this is going to be a tough ride--for some people! The following is not meant to hurt, but to heal, even though it may be hard for some to hear. While Enablers are not the Primary Abusers they are the cowards who stand by and watch their child, their sibling, their family member, or friend be abused. A question I would like to pose to the Enablers is one that Dr. Phil made famous which is, “How is that working for you?” What is your pay off? What are you gaining from a situation where your loved one, especially your child is being horribly abused? Yes, I have heard it all before, the popular “Self-Protection Excuse”. The Self-Protection Excuse is like a coupon – you can only redeem it one time. Further uses make it invalid. By simply identifying the abused wife as only a "victim" renders her blameless, helpless, and powerless to change her situation. She must take some responsibility for the life-threatening situation she finds herself & her Children in.

To put the responsibility solely on the Primary Abuser and to expect him to willingly give up his position of power & abusive behavior is naive to say the least. It is like telling the salve master to give up his slaves and set them free--not going to happen without a fight! In the case where the Primary Abuser is the husband of the Enabling Wife, she must make a well thought-out Escape Plan, so that she and her children can leave their abuser when he is gone (i.e., at work, on a trip, etc.,) and not at home as it would put their very lives in danger. The excuse that I am staying for the “Children’s sake” is a lie she tells herself and her children. It is a lie because if she really wanted what is best for her children she would keep them safe and have them in a Loving Safe Environment. Ouch, yes sometimes the Truth can hurt, but it will always set you Free! The fact that this Enabling Wife has been abused by her husband and brainwashed to think that she and her children deserve no better is a Lie from Hell. Does she really want the Children to grow up thinking that abuse towards them and their Mom is normal and is what they should expect & accept in life now and when they are adults? Does she really want her children to marry someone like her abusive spouse -- or someone much worse? When they grown up what kind of Life will her Children lead? Are her Children going to be the Monster or the Victim in this Legacy of Abuse -- What is she raising them to be by staying and enabling the abuse to continue? I know change is scary, but so is staying w/an Abuser. Women who realize their Self-Worth and the Worth of their Children leave the abusers as soon as they can when it is safe and never look back.

Where There is True Love There is No Abuse and Where There is Abuse There is No True Love.

How about the situation where the Primary Abuser is the wife/mother and the husband/father is perceived as "too kind, gentle, weak, etc." to stand up to her Narcissistic Evil Attacks. Back to my original question, What is the Enabler gaining from a situation where your child or loved one is being horribly abused? They are getting the pay off of being the Golden Child that they never were in their Family of Origin (FOO), or they are simply a Narcissist him/herself. They may not be at the same level as the Primary Abuser, overt & obvious N, but they are a lower level covert N. They don’t want to be rejected by the Primary Abuser and lose their "perceived" Favored Position, not even for their own Children. They prefer and chose to reject their own Children rather than have the Primary Abuser, Overt & Obvious N reject them. They justify it in their own minds as Self-Protection or Protecting the Children from the Primary Abusers potential escalated attacks & harm which is understandable and acceptable for a given situation, but not a Life Time. Over a Life time, over years it is no longer about Self-Protection, but rather Self-Interest. When does the Excuses for the Abuses Stop? When will the Enabler, Silent Partner, Covert N take a stand? These cowards want to say they don't want to take sides, that they love us both. They want to stay neutral. But you can not be Neutral when Evil Beings are involved.

"Take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the oppressed. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented"......Elie Weisel

Enablers, Silent Partners, Covert Ns do not deserve our sympathy and support, as it is the popular thing to do in our backwards-crazy culture these days (where right is wrong and wrong is right). We should instead hold them accountable for their “Lack of Action”. Standing by while others are being abused is still a Conscious Choice to do Nothing. Simply put, it says I care more about my perceived position then your happiness and safety. Enablers are Cowards because they refuse to confront the Abusers and hold them accountable for their actions, and by passively standing by and doing Nothing the Silent Partners are actively (via COVERTLY) causing harm. Their harmful ways are actually more deceptive than the Primary Overt Ns abuse because it is not obvious, not easy to detect or identify, yet still just has harmful or even MORE harmful because the Covert N's abuse goes undetected for so long.

The Covert Ns fear that if they hold a mirror up to the Primary Abusers, then the Overt & Obvious N will turn on them and their ultimate fear will be realized that the Abuser (Overt N) doesn’t really care about them either and will reject them too. The person being targeted by the abuse does not put the Enabler in the position of choosing her over the Primary Abuser, at least not initially. She just wants the Enabler to call a Wrong a Wrong and take the correct actions and validate her and keep her safe from further attacks. The Enabler can still have a relationship with the Primary Abuser if she wants to outside of the one she has with the targeted Scapegoat. The Enabler can do this out in the open and not in secret, because she is doing not a thing wrong by continuing to have a relationship with her/his child, sibling, family member, or friend-whatever the case may be. We must ask ourselves why the Enabler continues to have a Relationship with a Person (the Primary Overt N) who enjoys hurting others? I could not stand to be with a Person who enjoys and continues to hurt others. My DH has said as much as he loves me he would not stand to let me hurt our DD in any way. He would take her and leave and he would expect me to do the same if he was the abuser.

As the scapegoat you must escape the world where you are/were not valued and stand up for your self-worth and tell the enabling secondary abuser/s to "either stand with you or stand against you." This is a test of true love, for those who truly love you will stand with you to see that the abuse ends, and those who refuse to be with you are cowardly saying that you are not worth fighting for and they are too worried about what they will lose, so they choose the abuser over you by doing nothing, and "not wanting to get in the middle of it". The only way I got my egg donor to stop degrading my siblings in my presence was to confront her and tell her that when she trashes my siblings it hurts me, because they are my siblings and I love them. Unless it is a praise report I don't want to hear it. No Negativity. If she said something mean or negative about a sibling, family member, or friend, then she would be asked to leave. She did and she was asked to leave-several times. Because she refuses to change her toxic behavior she is no longer in our lives. Where there is abuse, there is no middle ground. There is no in between that is a lie from hell. Like God says, You are either with me or against me. Let them choose and then give them the proper consequence. If they choose the abuser over you, they are telling you that you do not matter to them what-so-ever. Ouch, but true. The secondary abuser, like the primary abuser does not deserve to be in your life either and all that is said about the primary abuser can be equally said about them too, there is no difference between them and we need to accept that fact. It is so very hard and will make you feel like you are completely alone, but then again your spirit was constantly telling you that you will stand alone in regards to the Primary & Secondary abusers in the Land of Abuse. At least where your abusers are concerned this is really nothing new and was something you always knew deep down. The only thing that is new is that you now have to accept the painful truth. In reality you are never alone. God is always with you and He will bring loving people into your life to fill the void of the abusers, if you let Him. He makes families out of abandoned orphans. I know this for a fact, because He is doing it for me. Our God does not play favorites, what He does for one child He will do for another. We just have to be willing to let Him do it His way and in His time. What the enemy meant for bad and for our destruction, God will use for good and for our blessing.

When God brings truly loving people into our life who have our best interest at heart the peace, validation, encouragement, love and joy we receive from them in such a very short time is insurmountable compared to what we have received from our primary and secondary abusers our entire life. It is so amazing how people who were once complete strangers to you can make you feel like you are finally home with those who truly love you. Let toxic abuse be apart of your past. God has an abundant life awaiting your arrival filled will love, respect, and joy just beyond your horizon under the Son. All you have to do is be willing to leave the past behind. Let go of abusive toxic people and let God bring you loving, nurturing people into your life. We don't have to be a Savior for our primary & secondary abusers, because that job was filled a long time ago by Jesus. Our purpose in life is to love and be loved.