tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2505388649159173103.post4011758429131762806..comments2023-08-27T05:58:25.187-07:00Comments on Freedom from Toxic People: Enablers are Secondary AbusersSoaring Dove is Letting Gohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16470811256241169554noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2505388649159173103.post-89426691669044734182013-11-20T19:50:56.966-08:002013-11-20T19:50:56.966-08:00(part 2) Hello Susan, I couldn't fit this part...(part 2) Hello Susan, I couldn't fit this part in the above comment.<br /><br />Did you change your number? I sure hope so. If not, give yourself the gift of a new number and new freedom for the new year and a new life. <br /><br />As you have painfully discovered enablers are secondary abusers who do the N's dirty work to bring you back into the N's KoN. They deceive us to believing that they "just want peace", and have everyone's best interest at heart, but they don't they just want to make the N happy, so they can be the N's favorite, or perhaps they are suffering from a delusional state of a Savior Complex or a Save Her Complex, in that if we just love her enough, show her enough love, and forgiveness she will change. However the Bible teaches us that Repentance must come before Reconciliation. Luke 17:3<br /><br />Susan I just wanted to let you know that I would have responded earlier, but the LORD has me working in His Kingdom at www.GivingDreamsWings.com for our programs and events. I am taking this time to catch up on responses at my Dealing with toxic people blog. <br /><br />It is amazing what GOD will do with our lives when our life and time are no longer held captive for an unrepentant toxic person's purpose. No more precious time wasted and instead invested where we can make a difference in other peoples lives. <br /><br />When we leave the KoN GOD opens up an incredible unimaginable awesome adventure that we would have missed out on if we were trapped in all the toxic drama of the N's KoN. <br /><br />I am grateful that the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt), the toxic ties are no longer there and you have clarity. It is the blessing others have done for me and I am very blessed to know that I have help you, and I know that you will take this blessing and "Share It Forward" for others who are trapped in the KoN looking for clarity and a way out.<br /><br />May you have Wonderful N Free Holidays this year!<br />http://dealingwithtoxicpeople.blogspot.com/2010/12/there-is-no-n-in-christmas.html<br /><br />May our LORD continue to bless you on your life journey out of dysfunction and into destiny!<br />Soaring Dove is Letting Gohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16470811256241169554noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2505388649159173103.post-16062731693149881622013-11-20T19:49:22.112-08:002013-11-20T19:49:22.112-08:00(part 1) Hello Susan, thank you so much for your r...(part 1) Hello Susan, thank you so much for your replies, comments, and a blessing confirmation that this blog journey of Freedom from Toxic People is helping people. When you shared about your Google search it brought happy tears to my eyes.<br /><br />Oh how I can relate to your story, so many similar details and such amazing clarity you have from it all. This clarity, insight, and wisdom of yours came at a high price, so treasure it, and share it with others that they too will be blessed.<br /><br />The thing about Ns, especially Nparents, and what I refer to as the momster -- they are at their best when we are at our worst. They love to play the counterfeit hero by creating an illusion that they have our best interest at heart -- love your hot stove analogy! You got it girlfriend! <br /><br />Anything they do for us is an illusion of love, a counterfeit, becomes it will eventually hurt us, because there are always toxic strings attached to it.<br /><br />The momsters are pure evil who blame others for their evil doings as in it was your fault, you should have kept your mouth shut, instead of her keeping her mouth shut and not trash talking her grandson and his wife in the first place. Zero Remorse = Zero Responsibility = Zero Repentance/Change.<br /><br />You were right to reveal to them how she is being hurtful towards them. Everyone deserves to be warned before we leave the N's KoN.<br /><br />Do not feel not a teeny tiny bit guilty for calling your mom when you where in the hospital. No one out grows the need for a parent's love. You gave her a chance, yet the millionth chance to do right and she instead, once again made it all about her and hurting others. Ns feel good when others feel bad that is their personality/spiritual disorder. When they appear to do something kind it is for their hidden agenda to give them god-like superiority over others they deceive to be "helping" when they are really hurting them in the long run as you have courageously shared. You were in a hospital, a captive victim that she could "just vent to" trash talk your loved ones. She should be concerned that you need no added stress, but she is only concerned about what she wants to do, and doesn't think twice about how it will hurt others. Ns don't realize that when they put our loved ones down that it hurts us, or maybe they do and that is their evil way at getting us back for not supporting one of their prior attacks/manipulation/trash talk.<br /><br />Soaring Dove is Letting Gohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16470811256241169554noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2505388649159173103.post-51738759800793795102013-09-21T22:31:32.033-07:002013-09-21T22:31:32.033-07:00OMG Holly. I am crying as I am reading this reply....OMG Holly. I am crying as I am reading this reply. Your words resonated and cracked through my thick ice of denial. You nailed it. You just told my story and explained my frustration in lost words. But what's really sad is that you just described my mother, completely. If I was someone you knew personally, I would be literally bawling my eyes out on the phone to you. My God. You are amazing. You soooo get it!!<br /><br />My mother does the same crap. It's like they think they can buy our love. The way I like to describe it is that my mother likes to buy me things. A good example would be a brand new stove. Who doesn't like a brand new stove? But while the stove is being delivered, the stove burners are hot to touch. They are so hot they burn my hands, and leave me with a burn marks on my palms for the rest of my life. So yes, they are buying us things, but they are hurting us WHILE they are buying us things in the process. No thanks. I'd rather buy the stove myself. Trek1954https://www.blogger.com/profile/10907896597091284257noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2505388649159173103.post-61793896051774718372013-09-21T22:15:57.402-07:002013-09-21T22:15:57.402-07:00Holy Cow. This article spoke VOLUMES to me and was...Holy Cow. This article spoke VOLUMES to me and was just the jump-start I needed!! Oh MY GOSH that was an EXCELLENT ARTICLE!!!<br /><br />I hope you have time to read this because I got a lot to type!! But before I begin, I want you to know that it was GOD who brought me to your article. I typed in "Silent Enabler" in Google and your article came up. It gave me the answer I came searching for. How cool is that?<br /><br />As far as my story and Narcissist mom goes, what happened was that I made the mistake of calling her on the day I had major surgery. That opened a can of worms. Thought I knew it wasn't the brightest idea, sometimes I need a mommy too. The only nice part of her is she is compassionate when someone is having surgery. Retype: ONLY nice part. So I missed that greatly when I awoke from surgery.<br /><br />On my day of surgery (only 4 hours in recovery), I caved in and called her. She made the call about "her" instead. She started talking trash about her grandson and his wife. Weak in my hospital bed, I mumbled the strength to defend them. But she didn't respect my feelings, as she continued to email me when I got home, and continued to speak negatively about them again (this was only the 2nd day into my post-op recovery).<br /><br />I was angry by that point. Furious was more like it. I called the grandson and his wife and told them that she was speaking negatively about them, and I told them what she was doing behind their backs, and how I wasn't going to tolerate her behavior. I also tried to encourage them that we as a family need to stand up to this kind of abusive behavior, otherwise, we are only enabling it.<br /><br />Naturally, the grandson and his wife were furious with her. This wasn't the first time they had a "run-in" with Grandma's hurtful mouth. The wife then posted a public remark (but truthful) on Facebook about Grandmothers hurtful words (which in my opinion, she deserved). <br /><br />My mother then emailed me, blaming ME. She told me it was "MY FAULT" that all this mess started because, "I couldn't keep my mouth shut". I replied that she had no one to blame but herself and she got what she rightfully deserved. She knew how I felt about the situation when I was weak in my hospital bed, but did that stop her?<br /><br />The emails continued, but I didn't open them. I sent them straight to the trash. Then, the phone calls started from my step-father, the silent enabler. I did not call him back. Thats when I came to your site. I was asking myself, "Should I call him back?" But after reading your article, the answer was no. He has never changed his stance on protecting her abuse after all these years, and I see no reason that he would change now. I am contemplating on changing my phone number. <br /><br />I cannot thank you enough for this clarity. Trek1954https://www.blogger.com/profile/10907896597091284257noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2505388649159173103.post-67758617290978242072012-12-12T09:45:19.376-08:002012-12-12T09:45:19.376-08:00"No communication is clearly the only way to ..."No communication is clearly the only way to deal with these types of people" -- you said it lady!<br />Seriously, we desire for others to be respectful, and they desire us to put up and shut up, and continue to be their doormat and punching bag. The only way to change this toxic situation is to remove ourselves from it. Life can and will be better when we leave the Kingdom of Narcissism (aka KoN).<br /><br />The one question we are not allowed to ask ourselves when living in their KoN is, "What do I want, what do I need?" Do I want life to continue to be the way it is, or can I make a change? What am I willing to do to have a life with loving, respectful, healthy relationships? Since these toxic people are happy living in the chaos and are unwilling to change -- am I willing to leave this toxic environment, or spend the rest of my life perpetually getting hurt, and complaining about it? <br /><br />The year is coming to an end, so it is a great time to ask ourselves do we want next year to filled with more of the same heartache we experienced this year, or are we going to leave all this toxic mess behind us?<br /><br />If we want things to be different, then we have to be willing to do something different, which is to leave their KoN.<br /><br />Blessing to you in the New Year. May it bring you Freedom from Toxic People.Soaring Dove is Letting Gohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16470811256241169554noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2505388649159173103.post-12592657029583539812012-11-26T02:55:53.663-08:002012-11-26T02:55:53.663-08:00I think I am more angry at my mom for continuing t...I think I am more angry at my mom for continuing to live and put up with my sociopath father's behavior--before we begged her to get a divorce--for nearly a decade than I am my actual sociopath father. My mom showed weakness and lack of a spine. She was so concerned about what her church friends, her family, and her social group thought she put that above all else. She still takes little to no responsibility for her behavior and enjoys blaming me. I am the bad daughter. I am the one that forced her and others to own up to what my dad was doing. I am the one that said "no more family secrets." And, now I have eliminated all of my family of origin from my life which I know is the right decision but they punish me for it telling me its all my fault. Everything and everyone's actions really can't be my fault all of the time, know can it? That doesn't make sense. My brother's practically a drug addict and who knows how many boyfriends my sister has this week. What a mess they are, but they refuse counseling or help and don't want to deal with their problems. My mom is the ultimate enabler. Even this month she emails me and tells me she cannot speak to me anymore, then she turns around a week later and asks me what me and my husband want for Christmas. No communication is clearly the only way to deal with these types of people. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com