Defining Honoring

GOD commands us to honor our parents, but what if your parents are harmful, and staying in a relationship with them puts you in harms way? 

Renee Pittelli has written 3 very helpful books for those who have been, or currently in toxic relationships. These 3 books are; Breaking the Bonds of Adult Child Abuse: A Biblical Textbook on Abusive Narcissistic Families, How They Operate, And How To Deal With Them", Narcissistic Predicaments: A Biblical Guide for Navigating the Schemes, Snares, and No-Win Situations Unique to Abusive Families, THE FAMILY FREELOADER- A BIBLICAL ANSWER FOR SOB STORIES, CON GAMES, AND NEVER HAVING TO GET OFF THE COUCH".

Renee is currently working on her forth book, Narcissistic Confrontations, and is giving us a seek peak on a topic that has been of much interest to myself and others. I wrote about Honoring Abusive, Bad, Evil, Narcissistic, Toxic, Reprobate Parents? in February 2010, and it remains one of my most read articles. Today, with Renee's permission, I would like to share with you the wisdom that she recently shared with me about Defining Honoring.

DEFINING “HONORING”

THEN THE KING BECAME FURIOUS. HE SENT OUT HIS ARMY TO DESTROY THE MURDERERS AND BURN THEIR CITY. AND HE SAID TO HIS SERVANTS, “THE WEDDING FEAST IS READY, AND THE GUESTS I INVITED AREN’T WORTHY OF THE HONOR…Matthew 22:7-8 NLT.

Yes, Sisters and Brothers. Some people are not worthy of honor, even if they happen to be parents. I think we need to give ourselves permission to be the ones to define "honor," and not let evil people or outsiders define it for us and then force us to live by their definition. 

First of all, "honoring" is not "obeying." As adults, we do not obey other adults. We have become children of God and we only obey God. 

If we set boundaries on our parents’ behavior toward us, how is that "dishonoring" them? We are treating them honorably by expecting them to live up to a certain standard of correct and acceptable behavior, not down to a low, base, primitive level of behavior. 

If we need to go No Contact, how is that dishonoring anybody? 

All we are doing is giving up trying to change them, honoring their choice to be the kind of person they want to be and live as they wish to live, and helping them not to sin anymore by removing ourselves from the picture so they cannot inflict their evil upon us. Having contact with us contributes to causing them to sin by giving them a target. We are not doing anything at all to a narcissist by simply staying away from her.

If we live in the truth as the Bible instructs us to do, bring evil deeds into the light, and tell the truth about our abusive parents, how is that dishonoring them? Wouldn't it be much more dishonoring to lie about them and hide what they do as if we were ashamed of them? I really think we need to stop equating "honoring" with "obeying" or "submitting" or "overlooking” or “covering up for.” It is none of those things.

Where does it say to honor abusers and forgive the unrepentant who fully intend to continue doing evil and hurting others? 

When abusers and their Silent Partners use God's Word against us, it helps to remember that the Bible was never written to benefit abusers or to facilitate their evil and unrepentance, and to suggest that it was is to defy logic. The Bible is the Lord's instructions for godly people in godly families and godly churches, not the ungodly. It is his teachings for his children to live in peace and love with one another, not with the children of Satan. Jesus never ignored wrongdoing or overlooked evil. From overturning the money-changers’ tables in the temple (Matthew 21:12) to the Seven Woes of the Scribes and Pharisees (Matthew 23:1-36), he always spoke the truth, stood up to wrongdoing and publicly rebuked those who did evil, even though it might embarrass them. We are never to honor the evil, nor are we to overlook and tolerate evil behavior, and certainly not to cover it up and keep it secret. To believe that that is what God wants us to do is simply preposterous....

Do They Harm Us On Purpose?

There are theories that suggest that Toxic Pathological People, Narcissists (Ns)/Sociopaths/Psychopaths attack out of 'unconscious defenses'. That they are unaware of what they are doing when they attack, and they can't control or stop themselves from attacking others.

Where is the Empirical Data proving this Theory?

The evidence does not support the theory of 'unconscious defenses' because Ns target certain individuals. If the their defenses were truly unconscious, the attacks would not be Target/Victim Specific. Since Ns can not control themselves, and are not aware of what they are doing, then they would attack everyone and anyone -- but they don't! For example a Superior such as a Supervisor would elicit feelings of inferiority, jealousy, envy, insecurities, etc., and as stated in a previous article What They Covet They Attack, so as theory goes they should attack their Supervisors, but they don't.

When researchers test out their theory in the real world they are guilty of Confirmation Bias, finding evidence to support their theory, or twisting the interpretation of the evidence to support their theory instead of looking at the evidence that does not support and actually contradicts their theory.

Another reason I do not like the theory of 'unconscious defenses' is that it lacks responsibility & accountability and promotes further victimization, "poor pathologicals" can't help themselves, they are unaware of what they are doing. BS! They know exactly what they are doing, because they only attack certain people. EVERY Narcissist from the low level to the Super-Sized N/P attacks because they enjoy the attack (at least in the moment of attack, there is a payoff otherwise they wouldn't attack, it wouldn't be rewarding), lower levels 
will might verbalize regret & remorse, but very few actually mean it because very few actually stop attacking. They might be able to resist attacking a certain target for a certain duration, but the attacks eventually resume.

Theory states that the narcissist is unconsciously battling with him/herself internally to keep all unwanted and unacceptable aspects of the true self dormant and locked away, and when they attack their victim for mirroring back reality of their true self (their flawed self) they are really unconsciously attacking their self which they again unconsciously project on to us.

Since we can not read a Narcissist's mind theories are based on assumptions about the Narcissist (N). We assume that this is what is going on in their disordered mind when they select a victim. Again I believe we are guilty of Projection, because if we were the Disordered this is what we would be thinking or not thinking. 


In theory when Ns are attacking us (their projected self) they are really attacking themselves. I once accepted that reasoning and use to agree with that, because it made sense in theory. Seemed logical enough. But I don't think that is the complete picture. I believe they attack us, because they know we are less N-chanted w/their True Self, and because They Detest who we are which is a constant reminder of what they are not. If we go w/the theory of the N projecting his/her True Self onto us and that is who s/he is attacking, then we don't have to take their attacks personal. It's not really me that the N is attacking. The evidence does not support that theory, because the Ns attacks are Victim Specific. Rather the Alternative Theory, Reason or Explanation that the attacks are in fact personal and deliberate because They Detest who we are, not what we represent (the Ns projected self) is accurate & valid.

If their defenses are automatically/unconsciously elicited, then again why are their attacks Victim Specific. Why don't they project their lies onto the Golden Child, Friends, or their Boss and attack them? The Golden Children, Friends and the Bosses don't always mirror back to the N his/her ideal self, yet they are not attacked and we are. We Scapegoats/Targets are told that it is because we are a Broken Mirror and do not reflect back to the N their False Self, so the N attacks -- yet the Golden Child and the Boss do the same thing and they are not attacked. I use to think that the Golden Children only or predominately mirrored back to the N his/her Ideal Self/Masked Self/False Self and therefore saved themselves from being a target, but that is not the case. I have seen Golden Children not mirror back the False Self to the N, and in additionally actually be harsh and publicly shame the N, yet the N does not retaliate.

When we don't understand something, can not fully explain something, or do not want to consider an Alternative Reason (the N is evil with the intent to harm) we say that it is Unconscious. In the field of Psychology theories of behavior come from people who deny the concept of true evil. They prefer terms such as Mentally Ill, even psychopaths, instead of the simplified term of evil. However, I have noticed that in Self Help areas the term evil is more and more accepted and used to accurately describe N. I don't know if it has reached the Ivory Towers yet, but at least people are using a term that was once forbidden.

Here is a Blog Post from Cheshire about the N's Private & Public behavior in regards to how they threat others, Click Here.

Turn The Other Cheek. . . And. . .

Okay, are you ready for a revelation that will rock your religion?

All I ask is that you reserve judgement, until you have heard everything I have to share.

After hearing this message some may want to send a hate letter, and others a thank you letter.

Again, All I ask is that you reserve judgement, until you have heard everything I have to share.

If you are in a toxic reoccurring abusive harmful relationship, Turn The Other Cheek. . . And Run!

Run, run, run, as fast as you can away from danger, away from someone who continues to harm you.

Some of you may be thinking, What about Forgiveness?

Today I would like to dispel some religious myths.

(1) Forgiveness & Reconciliation are not the same thing.
It is possible to forgive an unrepentant person, and because s/he continues to be unsafe, not have a relationship with him/her.

(2) Repentance from the abuser/attacker/sinner must come first before Forgiveness & Reconciliation.

(3) GOD calls us to pray for others, but not be prey for others.

Now for the Biblical Foundation for these 3 Truths.

(1) Jeremiah 29:11 -- For I know the plans  I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans of peace and not of evil, plans to give you hope and a future.

GOD has great plans for you, and being in an unsafe harmful relationship is not one of them.

(2) Luke 17:3  -- Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.

Abuse of any kind crosses the line. GOD provides us with a Divine Boundary to keep us safe. A person who has caused harm must have a repentant heart that leads to repentant behavior -- no more abuse. A person must prove him/herself to be a safe person before there can be reconciliation. 

(3) Matthew 10:34-36 -- “Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to ‘set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law’; and ‘a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.

Being related to someone, married to someone, or even sharing the same DNA does not trap us in an unsafe environment/relationship. GOD has said to separate from those who wish to cause you harm, because they have not made Christ their Lord, if they truly had there would be Fruit of the Spirit (self-control, faithfulness, goodness, kindness, gentleness, patience, peace, joy, and love).

(4) Matthew 12:33 -- Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or else make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for a tree is known by its fruit.

Do you hear that soft voice saying, okay now stop going back and forth. It's time to make up your mind once and for all? This is what I heard. Sure nobody is perfect. But we are not talking about human mistakes. With toxic people it is their intent to harm, whether or not they admit to it, that sets them apart from us normal imperfect people. It is their lack of conscious that gives them the ability to hurt us in the first place and most importantly their lack of true remorse and repentance that keeps them re-offending. Their hurtful & harmful behavior is the Proverbial Toxic Bad Fruit.

(5) Repentance is Essential for Salvation of our soul and relationships.

Act 17:30 -- In the past GOD overlooked . . . ignorance, but now He commands all people everywhere to repent.

Luke 13:5 -- Unless you repent you will likewise perish.

Revelation 3:19 -- Those who I love I rebuke & discipline, So be earnest and repent.

Matthew 11:20 -- Then Jesus began to denounce the cities in which most of His Miracles had been performed, because they did not repent.

Matthew 3:8 -- Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.

Actions speak louder than words. Repentance (think differently; change your mind, regretting your sins and changing your conduct) Repentance is evidence of allowing GOD to transform your life. A New Person in Christ.

Therefore, if an unsafe person refuses to repent, and continues to cause harm, Turn the Other Cheek. . .
And Run as fast as you can, for these of the words of GOD and not of man.

Imagine your freedom from abuse and into abundant life. I did. I read GOD's Holy Word, that spoke of how much He loves me, came to this earth, and died violently on the cross, so that I may have life free from harm and abuse. He was wounded, so that my wounds may heal. He calls me, His Beloved. He delights in little imperfect stumbling and fumbling me! And He feels the exact same way about you too! He loves you with an unfailing everlasting Love. His Love far exceeds that of man.

Where there is Love there is no abuse, and where there is abuse there is no love.
This is our Love Letter from above.

One last message for the unsafe unrepentant people, I'm gonna Turn the Other Cheek. . .

And Run Run Run as fast as I can, you can't catch me you toxic man!

-- this applies to toxic women too who are harmful to others.

I will not be trapped in misery, for my GOD has come to set me FREE!

Back to those who are escaping the KoN (Kingdom of Narcissism). . . .

Above all Beloved, know that GOD loves you, and wants you to be safe, and longs for you to have an abundant life, which can not happen if you are in an unsafe relationship.

Our Awesome Christ says in John 10:10, "The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that you my Beloved may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance.

Jeremiah 29:11 -- For I know the plans  I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans of peace and not of evil, plans to give you hope and a future.

We will never achieve the Abundance of Life that GOD plans for us and has for us staying in an abusive relationship.

Has GOD ever told anyone in the Bible to leave a harmful or potentially harmful relationship? Yes. Read Gensis 13: 3-8 and Gen 21: 8-13

Blessing to you Beloved. Above all know that GOD Loves you. Listen to the Holy Spirit in what you are to do in your own given relationship. Above all be safe that is the first step towards the Abundant Life that GOD has waiting for you.

Family -- redefine it to fine it!

It has been almost 3 years that I have left the Momster's KoN, and my Journey to Healing has taken me to the LOL (Land of Love) high on a mountain top where I have an entire new view point and perspective on the KoN. It is about Family and how we define it and find it. When you are born and raised in the KoN, and make the decision to leave you do feel like you are standing alone on your own. Although it was our choice to leave the KoN, spiritually we were abandoned by the evil nature of the N. When we discover that the Enablers are more like the N (covert Ns either Damaged/Disordered/or Combo of both) we see ourselves as orphans with no family of origin. I would love to share with you one more very powerful & healing scripture found in Matthew 12: 46-50

46 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.”

 48 He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”

I do not believe this was a slam against Christ's Mother and Brothers, but rather a Love Message to His Disciples & Followers at that time, as well as us today. Our Lord is telling us that we are not only His Disciples & Followers -- we are His Family. Family is defined by Love, not Biology. Therefore, we are not alone. We are apart of a Great Team, a Great Family, our Family of Origin comes from a connection to Heaven, not earth. I am closer to my Spiritual Sisters, that I have known for a short time, than I ever was to my biological sisters who I have known all their life. We are not alone, we have each other, and we have our Holy Parent who embodies both a Loving Mother & Father, and provides us with Loving Sisters and Brothers. 

After a devastation The Enemy attacks us when we are down, by mocking us and pointing out what we do not have, so that he can steal our Victory of leaving the KoN. The Enemy does not want us to succeed, does not want us to walk in our Destiny which is away from the KoN, because if we do we walk out of Deception and Destruction and into GOD's Kingdom and Purpose for our lives. The Enemy will do everything he can to bring hell against us, so he deceives us into believing that by leaving the KoN we have lost something instead of gaining something. He wants us to be devastated & destroyed, and at the least deterred from our Destiny, so he creates a Pit of Depression & Despair to offer us. Shout to the devil, Hell No I Wont Go. When we keep our eyes & heart set on Christ we will not sink into the deep pit of Depression & Despair over what we do not have, because we see with Faith that Christ brings us Greater Things, a Loving Family to replace the toxic one.

Those who are going through this wilderness, this Transition & Transformation Time, nourish, heal, and strengthen your soul on GOD's Word and Faithful Constant Certainties. 

Take Every Thought Captive

"We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." -2 Corinthians 10:5

"When something robs you of your peace of mind, ask yourself if it is worth the energy you are expending on it. If not, then put it out of your mind in an act of discipline. Every time the thought of "it" returns, refuse it." - Kay Arthur

"Take EVERY thought Captive. Ask the Holy Spirit for discernment. Is this thought Righteous or Rotten?" ~ Anissa Stark

It is important to understand the grieving process, and not let the enemy deceive us. The enemy encourages us to build a wall around our wounded heart while we are in a vulnerable position, and to keep others away. There is a time to build a wall, and a time to take it down. The more we know Christ the more we have the blessing of discernment to identify those who are trustworthy, and those who are not, "spiritual red flags". We have got to bring down the wall to receive the healing love that is brought to us through trustworthy people. 

We grieve not what we lost, but rather what we never had. As GOD tells us there is a season & time for everything, a time for morning and a time for rejoicing. 

There comes a time for all of us to make the choice, we can either get bitter about having been in a KoN, or we can get better after leaving the KoN -- Bitter or Better, the choice is up to us. As for me, the KoN has taken enough of my time. I choose to be Better by being thankful for the Blessings GOD has given me, a wonderful husband & child, great friends, and ever growing spiritual family, and most of all GOD says that for those of us who are parentless, GOD will be our Parent. Out of our great need, comes a Greater Blessing -- GOD as Parent.

Yes, the enemy will try and deceive us to be depressed, and to be trapped in a Pit of Despair by bringing thoughts of what we do not have, what we are missing out on, but we can hold that thought captive, determine that is rotten, and send it back to hell from where it came. We can allow the Holy Spirit to transform our test, trials, tribulations, and devastations into Testimonies to share with others, help others, and bring Glory & Joy to the Lord. We are GOD's Kids, we are not victims, we are Victorious. We have so much to Celebrate.

Growing in Wisdom (part 2)

(Read, Growing in Wisdom part 1 to put this event in proper context).  

As we were coming back from dance class, I was pulling into the driveway, and began to roll up all the electric windows. Carissa was in her car seat in the backseat, and she decided she was going to go against what her parent was doing, be disobedient and defiant, and roll down her window. I responded by proceeding to roll her window up, and she decided she was going to stop what her parent was doing, be contrary, and place her hand on top of her window to prevent it from being rolled up. I did not know she was doing that, until from the backseat I hear a loud cry for help. I jump out of my seat, and run to her rescue to find her cradling her damaged finger. My only concern was to comfort her, to releave her pain as much as possible, and to check out the damage. I cried out to Jesus, Lord heal my daughter's wound. We rushed into our home, and I placed a bag of frozen vegetables on her hand. While she laid flat out on the couch with the bag of frozen veggies on her hand, deeply crying in agonizing pain, I had to make the emotionally painful choice to take the phone into another room with me, so I could hear the the doctor's receptionist. Unfortunately they were booked, and I had to go to the ER. While we were driving to the ER, Carissa says, "Momma I forgive you." I asked her, What are you forgiving me for? And she said with a slightly disturbed attitude, "for hurting my hand." I asked her, Was that really my fault? I did not do that on purpose. I did not know your hand was on the window. Who was being naughty, disobeying & defying her parent by putting her hand on top of the window, and tried to stop Momma from what she was doing? Carissa said, " Oh, I did, but I got hurt." I could see how this was going to be a teachable moment for Carissa & I. This was a time for Carissa to grow in wisdom. Sometimes it is painful to grow in wisdom. I lovingly explained to my child that her naughty, disobedient, defiant behavior of not listening and obeying is what caused her to get hurt, and now she is suffering in pain, for her bad choice. I explained to her that bad choices not only hurt others, but hurt ourselves too. While we sat in the ER, I got to take the time to explain to my beautiful daughter the difference between being disobedient and being defiant. If Momma or Daddy tell you to roll up the window and you refuse, that is being disobedient, because you are not doing what we asked you to do, you are not obeying. Now when you rolled down your window, and did the complete opposite of what Momma & Daddy are telling you to do you are being defiant & contrary, then when you placed your hand on top of the window to prevent it from going up you were . . . and then I was lost for words, so Carissa finished by saying Dumb and Stupid (words we do not use, but certain classmates have used these words to tease one another). I asked Carissa if she knew the meaning of Dumb and Stupid, and she said no, so I explained to her that it means to be very foolish, to not use good judgement, and to go against what we are taught by our parents and GOD. Carissa said, so being dumb, stupid, and foolish is a sin? I replied to her, yes honey when we are being dumb, stupid, and foolish we are sinning against GOD. It is what we refer to as a Contrary Spirit which causes us to go against GOD. Carissa said pleading with pain & confusion, "But Momma I didn't know that was going to happen!" (referring to her hand getting hurt & damaged in the car window) I told her I know, that is why you must always trust, obey, and know that your loving parent knows best, especially when you don't understand, and don't want to do something your parent's way, and insist on doing it your way which caused you to really get hurt. You could have gotten hurt a lot worse. It could have gotten broken so bad that the doctors could not repair it back to normal. We praise you Jesus that you are right now in the process of healing Carissa's finger, and is not broken. While we waited in the ER room for over an hour Christ was healing Carissa's finger. Carissa was able to fully bend it as if it never got hurt. We told the receptionist that Carissa did not need to be examined by the triage nurse, and the receptionist said since the triage nurse has not seen you, you wont be charged. 

Carissa's learning experience got me thinking, Isn't that how we often are with our Holy Parent GOD? GOD is doing something in our life, then we put our hand to it, trying to interfere or prevent what GOD is doing, because we don't understand, and all we know is what we want. Then when we get hurt, by interfering & trying to stop GOD's Way, our foolish sinful pride cries out in pain -- It's Your fault! You did this to me! I don't understand. Why would You hurt me? It is only when we sacrifice our foolish & sinful pride in the Holy Fire of Truth, that we understand that it was our choice, our responsibility, and our fault for being disobedient & defiant thinking we knew better than our Holy Parent, and put our hand in the middle of something that it didn't belong, and we are to blame for getting crushed, not our Holy Parent. Our society tells us it is not right to find fault. However, if we had a faulty window that did not work right, we would have to investigate the cause in order to fix the problem. It is very important to know when it is our fault and when it is not. Praise the Lord for the Holy Spirit Who is our Helper that lovingly & compassionately convicts us when it is in fact our fault. With a humble & repentant heart, we realize it is not GOD that needs to be forgiven, but us. Is there anything that you are still blaming GOD for, when it was your bad choice? Dear Lord I ask that you forgive me for blaming you when it was my fault.

It really is about trusting that our parent knows best even when we don't understand, or don't want to do what we have been told. We need to just remind ourself, my parent knows best. We praise You Lord for those teachable moments in life, no matter how painful they are to learn.Here are some Great Scriptures on the importance of growing in wisdom. The Bible teaches us that even Christ grew in Wisdom. Luke 2:52

Proverbs 2:6, Proverbs 4:5, Psalm 90:12,  Proverbs 4:7, Proverbs 16:16, Proverbs 19:8, Romans 11:33, Colossians 1:9, Colossians 4:5, 1 Corinthians 3:19, Psalm 104:24, Psalm 136:5James 1:5, Psalm 119:34, Psalm 51:6: 1 James 3:17, 1 Corinthians 1:24, Job 12:12-13, Proverbs 28:26, Proverbs 23:4, Colossians 2:3, Ephesians 3:10Revelation 5:12, Jeremiah 10:12, Proverbs 3:19, Proverbs 21:30, 

Growing in Wisdom (part 1)

1/26/12
Just picked up Carissa from Kindergarten, and Carissa said, "Momma my friend Savannah didn't have a drink for lunch, and I listened to GOD and He told me to give her my drink, so I did, and GOD blessed me, because another friend Emmalynn was having a birthday and brought cupcakes and drinks, so GOD made sure I had a drink too." Carissa just experienced the character of Christ, JEHOVAH-JIREH (meaning The LORD GOD my Provider).

Yesterday we were shopping for shoes, and Payless Shoe Store had the BOGO sale (buy one get one 1/2 off). Carissa found these attractive blue-jean style wedge shoes with bows at the toes, and a little wedge heal, and she wanted them sooo much. She actually pleaded for these shoes. I wasn't sure about them for 3 reasons; one they were more than I wanted to spend, secondly I didn't know if she was mature enough for a shoe with a little heal, and thirdly, because they would be only for church, and dressing up to go somewhere, which means they are not a "practical shoe" that she would wear every day at school running around at recess. GOD pressed it upon my heart, and said, "It's okay, go ahead and buy Carissa those shoes", so I did. GOD knew Yesterday that today Carissa would sacrifice her drink for a friend in need, that her loving sacrifice would bless three people, her friend, her Momma, and her Jesus. GOD is truly Amazing. I am so very blessed to have such an awesome little daughter who cares so much for others. Happy tears are a flowin, because she is knowin her Jesus! If you couldn't tell, I now have total Peace & Joy about those little blue shoes.

It's A Wonderful Life

The Holidays can be a roller coster of mixed emotions for those of us who are either in or have left The Kingdom of Narcissism (KoN). The enemy, not the Narcissist (N), but the enemy, aka the devil, or dark force will stop at nothing to keep us from enjoying our life, and growing closer to Christ. The enemy's ultimate plan is to come between us and GOD, so that we can join him in hell. He sets out to deceive us into believing it is GOD's fault, and not his that the N is evil and harms us. The enemy wants us to blame GOD, to distance ourselves, and ultimately come between us. The enemy is envious of Christ, and the love we have for our Savior, and will do what he can to distract us from celebrating the birth of Christ.

One way the enemy does this is to deceive us into believing we have lost something by leaving the N and his/her KoN. The enemy brings in powerful FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) to either keep us in the KoN, or have us return to the KoN not for our sake, but "for the kids sake". The enemy preys upon our desire & desperation for a family, and out of desperation and deceptive definition or idea of Family many return to the KoN in hope that things have magically changed in regards to the N in charge, and the Army of Enablers. The Illusion of the KoN being a safe place eventually breaks with reality either on the Holiday, or soon after, and we once again come to the painful conclusion that it is best to stay away from the N and his/her KoN.

Over two years ago when I started this blog, Freedom from Toxic People, it was for three reasons. One to process what I was going through, "write it out to get it out". The second reason to connect with others who have N-countered a N and his/her KoN, and learn from them how they processed and more importantly how they have recovered from the harmful effects of the KoN. The third reason, is to share what the Holy Spirit has and continues to reveal to me about the nature of the N and his/her KoN; the best path to take during the Healing Journey; and most importantly Life after the KoN, are all things I desire to "Share It Forward" with others in hopes that others will not spend decades (like I did) trapped in the N's KoN, and the healing process will be shortened & their over-all life enjoyment lengthened by not constantly dealing with the potential long-term after effects of the KoN.

We are to enjoy Life by living forward, instead of being trapped in the pain of the past. The KoN is our BackStory, the best is yet to come, and if you can not see it right now it is because it is just beyond your Horizon Line. Just out of sight. Healing from the KoN is a walk of Faith. You won't make it, if you don't take it. Please heed this warning from someone who has spent over 4 decades dealing with Narcissists/Sociopaths/Psychopaths and their KoNs. I have seen others trapped in a Pit of Depression and Despair, because they blame GOD instead of the devil for the N and his/her KoN. I have noticed a distinct difference between those who have GOD as apart of their Healing Process, and those who do not. From my own professional & personal experience, only Christ can reach & heal the deepest of soul wounds created by the N. It is never too late to reach out to Jesus, and what we discover is that He has been waiting for us all along with Loving arms with a Heart of Compassion & Understanding. GOD does not seek a Religion from us, but a Relationship with us. If you haven't yet begun, I encourage you to start your Relationship with Jesus today. I promise you that there is no condemnation in Christ. Anytime you return to the KoN, condemnation eventually follows. With Christ there is only Love. When you meet someone from Christ's Family, an Authentic Christ Follower, you will experience an Authentic Love that helps and does not harm.

If we never take that step of Faith, just like in the Holiday Movie, It's A Wonderful Life, we miss out on all that GOD has planned for us. As the main character in the movie played by the very talented Jimmy Stewart discovers that everyone was created for a purpose, and our life decisions can change the quality of life for ourself, others, many others, and for many generations to come. What kind of Legacy are we going to leave our Children? One of reoccurring chaos & toxic drama created by the N and his/her KoN, or the true Peace & Joy that only comes from a N-free Life out side of the KoN?

A Friend of mine who goes by BrashWorld, added her insight to a post that I wrote a little while ago back in Sept. of this year titled, Life in the KoN. I encourage you to check out her own insights about Life in the KoN on her blog post titled, On My Side???  BrashWorld further explains what I shared about the true nature & identity of the Enablers/Covert Ns. BrashWorld, like others who have survived the KoN, is a source of inspiration for me. After reading her post, about my post, I was then inspired to write this post, which originally started off as a posted Comment to her post, but quickly grew in length, and developed into another article.

When we leave the KoN there is no denying the great life change that begin immediately to occurs as a result from perhaps the greatest life decision we will ever make, other than excepting Christ as our Lord & Savior. Leaving the KoN did not just begin two years ago when I decide to have No Contact (NC) with the Momster. Separating from the KoN has been a life process of various transitions. When I started NC a little over two years ago it was the beginning of a new transition and transformational process. Living in the KoN is about the process of discovering the hidden identity of the N, and his/her true nature. Leaving the KoN begins with leaving the toxic N, due to his/her true identity and desire to harm others, but then along our Journey of leaving the N it transitions to the Beauty of Discovering Self. The Self that was denied expression in the KoN, and the more we discover the suppressed aspects of Self (independent thought & desires, self expression, etc.) the more we discover the different aspects of Life, what it really is opposed to what the N deceives us into believing.

Life outside of the KoN is not a perfect life, but It's A Wonderful Life.

Holiday Tip

Do not let the N's contaminate Christmas. Consider fasting Ns this Holiday by having a temporary No Contact (NC) and discover the blessing of NC. If for some reason you can not fast the N, then ignore his/her triggering comments just like they never said it -- it is very hard I know! By ignoring the N's comments you send a strong message to them that they do not have the power to contaminate or ruin your Holidays or any day. By ignoring Ns we also send a message to the rest of the family, but most importantly we send a message to ourselves to focus on what is important this Holiday and what is not. This message is a reminder to self most of all, because I tend to give the N's stupid comments the power to contaminate by addressing them, but by ignoring them sends a strong message to others, but more importantly to self that these stupid statements are not important enough to even address.


If you can't avoid them, ignore them! -- this applies to the stupid Ns and their stupid covert statements.

Moderate to high level Ns are at their worst not their best during the Holidays, because they think their targets (us) are trapped in their KoN (Kingdom of Narcissism), that the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) is too thick, so they can blast through our boundaries, and we will just take it to "keep the peace at any price". In these cases I recommend that the second the N starts on the covert attack if it is publicly, just say that was rude or that was mean. If you have established that you, and your spouse/family will not tolerate rude, disrespectful or mean behavior/comments, then everyone will know that the second covert or overt attack by the N will cause you and your family to leave, so the enablers have two choices to warn the N to knock it off before s/he once again ruins Christmas, or to enable the N & blame the victim for "being too sensitive". 


Depending on the level of pathology in the N, the N will adhere to your warning and modify his/her comments, or justify and victim blame by saying "I was only joking, and you are always just too sensitive, can't you take a joke." We can not explain reality to Ns, because they live in their own Kingdom of Narcissism (KoN). Keep things very simple and repeat, that was not funny, and leave it at that. If the N continues, leave the room and give the enablers a chance to straighten the N out. If the N continues the attacks, leave the KoN if you are at someone else's house, or tell the N that it is time for the N to leave your home. 




Modifying lower level Ns behavior is about us having follow through, and getting up and leaving when the second covert attack comes or telling the N to leave if s/he is at your home, and not letting the other enablers guilt trip us into staying for more attacks.




The comments above is not meant to say to keep ignoring continued attacks by the N, only one stupid statement that is so covert that most don't even detect it (especially the enablers), such as N saying "the stuffing you made last year was really good" implying that this year's in not good or inferior, or "your sibling made a great dinner or I had a great time at your siblings house" (no compliment for you) covert slam. These are the stupid statements that I am suggesting you ignore, unless it is followed by another attack, then ask the N to leave if s/he is at your house, or you leave if you are at their's or another family member's. 


Do not get trapped into trying to explain things to enablers, they don't get it, because they don't get attacked and most enablers are covert lower levels Ns that don't care if you get attacked and just encourage us to shut up and put up, because they are happy that as long as you are getting attacked they are not. 


Just get up and leave the KoN.

Here is what I wrote last year about There is No N in Christmas, click here.

I hope you have a blessed Christmas.

Glimmers in the Dark by Luci Swindoll

I love Luci -- Luci Swindoll that is. In a recent Facebook post, Luci said,

"When you were a child holding a mirror in your hand, if you caught a glint of the sun, that mirror reflected a beam that could actually illumine a dark place. That was pretty exciting! You had the power to shine in the darkness. It was better than holding a flashlight because the reflection source was from above you, not from batteries in your hand. It was supernatural phenomena to every child.

Each of God’s children has the power to illumine the darkness. This light shows up in different forms: humor, kindness, peace, hope, grace—all characteristics that can come out of us when the light Source shines through us."

What Luci is talking about is what Andy Andrews (one of my favorite authors!) refers to as The Butterfly Effect. The power of just one person making a difference in others lives. When the little light of one is combined with others I refer to that as The Firefly Effect.

The Firefly Effect

 

The Firefly Effect 
by
Anissa Stark

all copyrights reserved

Have you heard of The Butterfly Effect? 
The Butterfly Effect was scientifically established in 1963 by Edward Lorenz theorized that the single flap of the wings of a butterfly in one part of the world can create a hurricane in another part of the world.


Author Andy Andrew wrote a wonderful book based on this principle titled, The Butterfly Effect. Andy explains that the Butterfly Effect is one of GOD's Laws, like The Law of Gravity.
The Scientific name for the Butterfly Effect is The Law of Sensitive Dependence Upon Initial Conditions. It is the power of one living matter or individual to set a change of reaction, so powerful that it changes the world and can save lives.

The Firefly Effect is the Butterfly multiplied to or cubed exponentially, like in algebra when a number is multiplied by the sum of itself. Recall in algebra if we start with a single number, so matter how many times you multiply it by the sum of itself, it remain the same. 
For example; 1 to the millionth degree still totals one.


It is only when two or more are multiplied more than one the total changes. 
For example; 2 cubed or 2 to the second power, 2 over 2, or 2 + 2 = 4, 
2 to the third power, 3 over 2  is  (3) 2s added in row 2  +  2  + 2 = 6
"For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them."
Matthew 18:20


The Firefly Effect is the combined, multiplied effect of The Butterfly Effect.

The little light in the darkness that when combined with other little lights changes lives for generations.

How does the Firefly Effect work?

Read on to find out!