Monday, September 12, 2011

Life in the KoN

There are two types of People in the Kingdom of Narcissism (KoN), the Damaged and the Disordered, and there are 3 distinct roles, The Primary Abuser, aka the Overt Narcissist (N), the Enabler/s which can be either Damaged and/or Disordered People, such as an enabling spouse of the Primary Abuser, and the Golden Child who the Primary Abuser  never attacks or rarely attacks and when the Primary Abuser does attack the Golden Child it is less severe and thus "not as bad" as when the Primary Abuser attacks the Scapegoat or Target. The Scapegoat is the Primary Target of mainly the Primary Abuser, but also the Enablers. 

The Primary Abuser, the Overt N is obviously Toxic, Disordered, Pathological, and a Sociopath. It is not hard to identify his/her behavior & nature as harmful to others that is once Children of Narcissists become Adults and know that this is not Normal, because our World has expanded and we have met Normal Loving People and have formed Healthy Relationships, so now we can discern what is Healthy and what is Unhealthy, Toxic, and Harmful.

However the rest of the inhabitants in the KoN are not so easily identified. In fact to this very day I am wondering if my Siblings are Damaged or Disordered or both. Of course my prayer is that they are Damaged, because the Damaged can be Healed. They can Repair what was done to them, so that they don't continue to Repeat in any way what was done to them.

As a Momma of a 4 1/2 yr. old my Dear Husband (DH) & I am teaching our Dear Daughter (DD) Right from Wrong, and Kind People from Mean People. We are teaching her to develop her Gift of Discernment. The ability to Discern derives from the ability to detect or identify the Truth vs Lies. There are Many Lies in this World, and a misconception and Great Deception is that all lies come from Liars, unfortunately this is Not True. Lies are handed down throughout the generations that many believe that they are the Truth, because respectable People utter the lies time and time again.

For example, a common lie or Urban Legend is that "There is Good in Everyone" --This is False and This is a Lie. We must clarify that [being] Good is Not the same as [doing] Good. Just because a PersoN can appear to do Good, that person is not necessarily really authentically being Good. A Narcissist (N) can do Good, but the N's actual being is NOT Good due to his/her Pathology or Evil Nature. A N does Good Things for the Wrong Reasons, or the Right Thing for the Wrong Reason. When a N does a perceived Good Thing it is for his/her own Self-Interest, to create & maintain their False Public Image and/or to gain & maintain control over those they appear to be helping, due to the Toxic Strings that are attached creating an covert Obligation that now the other person owes the N something, and the N will always collect, and not always in an obvious way. Did that sentence seem long, complicated, or drawn out -- well that is what the KoN is like. 

It is only after some time has past, and there has been some disconnection between us and the N do we then realize, Oh that's why the N did that once perceived Good Thing, it wasn't because s/he really cared about me only to deceive, manipulate, and control me. Imagine the Overt N as the Puppet Master and we are the Puppet, but What or Who are the Strings? The Toxic Strings are what ties us to the Puppet Master/Overt N/Primary Abuser. I always thought the Strings were Situations, such as the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) that the Puppet Master/Overt N/Abuser creates to keep us trapped in his/her KoN. Now I have realized that the Toxic Strings that tie us to the Puppet Master/Overt N/Primary Abuser is not only Situations, but rather People. Not just any People, but those who are the closet to us and those have been apart of us even since the very day we were born into the KoN. These Toxic Strings are our Narcissistic Family of Origin (NFOO) complied of Damaged and Disordered People. They are referred to as the Enablers.

In the past Enablers have been classified as fellow victims and helpless to end the Primary Abuser's/Overt N's Reign of Abuse.
Are they really as helpless as they want us to believe? Or . . .
Is their perceived helplessness yet another Grand Illusion in the KoN?
Just like the Primary Abuser, aka Overt & Obvious N,
Are Enablers not who they appear to be?

The Overt N rules at the center of the KoN making or forcing everything and everyone to revolve around him/her, but does this person rule alone, or is there a covert helper?

Do Ns have that much power to create & maintain the KoN all by themselves?
Can one person really control an entire Kingdom or do they have help?

Like with all Dictatorships the KoN must have its Army in order to keep things the way the Wicked Ruler wants them. The N signs everyone his/her duty or role. Some are Scapegoats and the Identified Target, others are the Golden Child, and then there are the Reinforcers. The Army of the KoN. Thing is with a Physical Army you can tell & identify who is in the Army and you can tell when your adversary or enemy is approaching, but in the KoN it is a Spiritual Army we are up against, and it is hard to detect who is Friend and who is Foe. Who you think is your Friend or your Family Member unexpectedly deserts, betrays and abandons you when you must battle the Overt N. When you are on the Battlefield you expect and anticipate direct or indirect attacks from the Overt N, but we are assaulted from the side from those who said they are standing with us against the Overt N's abuse.

The Army of the Enablers blindside us when we are most vulnerable. We trust them to have our back and devastated to find out that they have stabbed us in the back. The Enablers echo out our same Battle cry that the Overt N's abuse is wrong and must come to an end, but when we are holding the Overt N accountable the Covert attack of the Army of Enablers begins with either overt or covert bullying, harassment, guilt tripping tactics in order to recruit us to join their Enabling Army that Specializes in Cheap Premature Forgiveness and supports the Overt N ruling the KoN. 

The Enabling Army turns on us, and the focus is no longer the Overt N's Lack of Remorse and Desire to Hurt Others, but our Lack of Forgiveness, Acceptance, and Reconciliation with the Overt N. The Enabling Army say they have our best interest at heart while they are attacking our heart. We know the identity of the Overt N is pathological and evil, so we do not want any contact with the Overt N, but the Enabling Army can not and will not admit the Overt N is evil, because then what does that say about them? 

They must admit that they were deceived and used by the Overt N which takes a big blow to their already damaged Self-Esteeem, or they have to admit that they enjoy serving the Evil Overt N and being in his/her Enabling Army.

Those who can admit that they have been deceived by the Overt N lies, and discover the Evil Nature of the Overt N will leave the Enabling Army, but those who refuse to admit that they have been deceived, and that the Overt N's nature is pathological & evil will remain a member of the Enabling Army. It is the Damaged People in the Enabling Army that resign their position and leave to seek Healing & Understanding that eventually a Bridge to Reconciliation can be built once they learn the tools to create a Healthy Relationship. 

And then there are those who remain in the Enabling Army, Covert Ns that view us as the Problem rather than the Overt N. Why can't they see how the Overt N has destroyed our Family through deception and division? Why don't they see the Overt N's words and behavior as toxic, hurtful, harmful, and evil? Why do they continue to make Excuses for the Abuses? Because these Enablers are not like us, but like the Overt N, because they are Covert Ns. They will not admit the Overt N is Evil, because they identify with the Overt N, have empathy for the Overt N and love the Overt N and if they admit the Overt N is Evil, then they will have to admit that they have love an Evil Being, and then what would that make them?

Every Damaged Person I have talked to has questioned whether or not s/he is a N like their Abuser. However, Disordered People deny who they really are, because they believe they are perfect just the way they are even when they have victimized others. Those in the Enabling Army who continue to Victim Blame in covert ways, even when the Overt N has been unmasked do so because they are Covert Ns. When they devalue deject, and deny the Nature of the Overt N and say that the N and his/her KoN is "not that bad" it is because to them they are not fellow victims like us, but rather Covert Ns and to them it is really is not that bad because they are like the Overt N, and therefore can stand to remain in the Enabling Army, and march on back to the Overt N and his/her KoN.

The Covert Illusion of the KoN is that the Enablers are fellow victims trapped in the N's KoN with lots of FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) preventing their escape. We project onto the Enablers that they would want to be rescued, but they don't because they are not captives looking to escape harm, but rather covert Ns who know the overt N needs a target and if it will not be us, then it will be them. Covert Ns are not like us, they are like the Overt Ns. Covert Ns do not want to escape the KoN, they don't want to leave Hell, but want us to return to Hell to serve their own self-interest of not being the Overt N's new target.

Covert Ns are the Strings the Puppet Master/Overt N pulls to get us to stay connected to his/her KoN. When we try to rescue those who do not truly want and desire to be Free, then we are making ourselves long-range Targets for the Overt N's attacks. It is the Covert Ns that give away our position to the Overt N, and while the Overt N can not make a direct assault s/he will indirectly attack us through the Covert N positioning in the Enabling Army. The Overt N's Illusion is demolished, so a direct attack can cause no serious harm just a sting from the Ugly Truth that a Person who should love us only wants to hurt us. 

It is the Covert N's Illusion that they are merely an Enabler, a helpless bystander, a fellow victim in the N's KoN that creates the devastation. We want to give the Covert N the Benefit of the Doubt that they are just confused & don't understand the role they are playing in the Overt N's KoN, but it is not the Covert N that is confused, but us. We don't want to accept a very painful truth that our loved one who was once also victimized by the Overt N is not only Damaged, but Disordered and that our Love One is not caught in the Middle, but has covertly chosen a side with the Overt N, Primary Abuser which makes them a Secondary Abuser aka The Phantom N. The Horrible Big Picture of the KoN is that the Covert N is not only serving in the Enabling Army, but also rules the KoN at the Overt N's side.

Let's look at Matthew 10:25, It is enough for students to be like their teachers, and servants like their masters. If the head of the house has been called Beelzebul, how much more the members of his household!
I know this is not easy to accept, because I still want to believe that my Sisters are merely Damaged by the Psycho Parents, that they can get healing & understanding and the Psycho Parents Grand Illusion will be obliterated and they will no longer be Captives in the KoN. I keep thinking if I only point out just one more time how the Psycho Parents enjoy hurting their Children my Sisters will see & accept the Truth about the Evil Nature of the Psycho Parents. 

How can I continue to explain the obvious to People who refuse to accept the obvious?
The last time my BIL (DH of Sister #2) gave my DH & I a "Surprise Visit" we explained to him that we are in GOD's will in regards to the Psycho Parents via Luke 17:3
“If a brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them.
Since the Psycho Parents have not repent, continue to deny, deceive, and divide we must stay in GOD's will by continuing to rebuke the Psycho Parents & have no contact with them. 

How long do I unmask the Overt N to reveal his/her true evil nature to those who appear to be deceived? Is it they who are being deceived, or is it they who are deceiving us? If everyone else can see the Psycho Parent's evil nature, then why can't they, or why wont they? 
Ephesians 6:12

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

My BiL and Sister are blinded by the Psycho Parents deception. Nothing in this World break the Grand Illusion they are under and can restore their sight. It is time for serious spiritual warfare against the super natural forces that keep them blinded from the Truth. 

How do I know there is nothing more in this world and of this world I can do for them? How do I know that all my efforts and tools of this world will not work to set them free from the Grand Illusion they are under? How do I know that I should stop trying and trying and trying to reason with them and point out the obvious to them over and over and over again? How do I know it is time to transition from Physical Intercession to Spiritual Intercession? Continued Physical Intercession keeps you and your own family of creation connected to the KoN which brings at the min. unnecessary stress & distraction in your life. When we stop the Physical Intercession and switch to only Spiritual Intercession we become a very powerful force to be reckoned with against the enemy who uses are loved ones as his puppets. How do you know you have done all that you can do and it is time to release, let go, and move on so that you don't stay connected even indirectly to harmful people?

Titus 3 10-11:
10 Warn divisive people once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. 11 You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.

GOD has placed it on my heart to pray that the Demon Dad's and Momster's stronghold over my BIL and Sister will be broken through spiritual discernment and to talk to my BIL and Sister one more time and show them the Demon Dad's last message to us to show them his Evil Nature to hurt us and that he is deceiving them with his Counterfeit Remorse, because a Person who has Authentic & True Remorse would not say such hurtful & antagonistic things. If they can not see he is deceiving them, and they refuse to see the Demon Dad's True Evil Nature, then there is nothing more we can do and will continue to pray that the Psycho Parents Grand Illusion will be broken through Spiritual Discernment. 

The Demon Dad's last wicked message included a statement about my BIL and Sister's Minds and Hearts being open to him, unlike ours that remain closed. The Demon Dad's words were meant to hurt, but instead revealed his deception over them, and time will only tell if what the Demon Dad has foretold will remain true. Are my BIL's & Sister's Hearts and Mind open to the Demon Dad? Are their minds warped? Is the reason they refuse to see the Demon Dad's Evil Nature because they are Damaged or Disordered? My BIL and Sister have changed since they have had contact with the Demon Dad. They have repeatedly betrayed my DH and I. Is their betrayal, their sin because they are being transformed or is their evil nature being revealed? 

They think they are going to change the Demon Dad, that they have the power to change pure Evil through their Cheap Premature Forgiveness, but they are not changing the Demon Dad to be more like them, but rather the Demon Dad is changing them to be more like him. They are truly being self-condemned.

Please pray that my BIL & Sister's Hearts and Minds will be closed to the Demon Dad and open to us or better yet to God so that they can see the Truth and the Truth will set them Free -- especially when it comes from God and they accept it. That GOD's Word will take root in their lives and set them free from the Psycho Parents KoNs. That healing can happen between my BIL & Sister and my DH and myself. Pray that we can reverse this curse. Thank You for your prayers.

May the Lord bless you were ever you are at on your Life Journey.

There comes a time in our Healing Journey to Move On from the Pain of the Past. Moving On is a Process too that begins with little steps or small movements from a Crawl to a Walk to a Run. We will all reach this point in our own time in our own way. For me it is about having a Future that is Larger, Greater, and more Powerful than the Past. It is about having a Vision, a Mission, and a Dream much Much MUCH Bigger than myself. Here is my Small Movement focusing on Restoring Hope by Giving Dreams Wings,

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  1. OMGoodness, this paragraph in your post finally made the 'light' click on in my head!!

    "The Army of the Enablers blindside us when we are most vulnerable. We trust them to have our back and devastated to find out that they have stabbed us in the back. The Enablers echo out our same Battle cry that the Overt N's abuse is wrong and must come to an end, but when we are holding the Overt N accountable the Covert attack of the Army of Enablers begins with either overt or covert bullying, harassment, guilt tripping tactics in order to recruit us to join their Enabling Army that Specializes in Cheap Premature Forgiveness and supports the Overt N ruling the KoN."

    This TOTALLY describes my brother - whom I always thought was another scapegoat. . . but now I wonder if he's just a covert N/disordered individual himself!! One minute he claims to understand why I separated from NFOO in Feb. 2011, calls to get my side, claims to be neutral then in the next breath he's trying to guilt me into the 'premature' forgiveness you spoke of, always bringing up how NM/EF are doing! *GAG!*

    In fact, he hasn't been out to NM/EF's house in YEARS for Thanksgiving - always has an excuse why he can't make it. And this year, lo & behold, he makes an appearance. . . . coincidence that it's during a time I'm NC with NFOO?? Nope - I think not! He's just trying to secure his spot in the KoN web, maintain his selfish confort level, enable their behavior by changing plans to suit them and pretty much leave me out to dry!

    NOW I GET IT!!! Thanks Soaring Dove!!!

    *From Brashworld

  2. (part 1)
    You are very welcome Brashworld. I hear ya Brashworld. The KoN is a whole other deceptive world unto its own where nothing and no one is who they appear to be, and reality is only what the N in charge says it is for everyone else. As far as siblings go, each individual case varies on whether or not they are Damaged by the Disordered, or another lower form of the Disordered, a little covert (n) instead of a big obvious (N). When it comes down to it, basically it is 6 of one kind, 1/2 dozen of another, in other words there is really no difference whether or not they are Damaged or Disordered, because as long as they remain in the KoN the end result is the same, they are enabling the N to continue his/her KoN. In the KoN where abuse is abundant in one form or another, there is no middle ground. You have to pick a side, either end the abuse, or enable it.

    The FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) traps people in the KoN. Desperation due to unhealed soul wounds can lead people, especially siblings, back into the KoN which may be the case with your brother, and is certainly the case for my two siblings. The sad truth of the matter is that siblings do not make healthy secure bonds with one another when they are born and raised in the KoN. I am tons closer to my spiritual sisters who I am connected through Christ with and have known a short time, than I ever was with my biological sisters, who I have known all their life, or thought I knew, until their betrayal revealed to me their true nature.

    It is like the difference between a Believer and a Christ Follower. Believers know of Christ, but Christ Followers actually know Christ, because they are deeply connected with Christ because they spend regular time in His Holy Presence via the Holy Spirit.

    If you asked my biosisters if they know me, they would say of course they do, because of our biological connection & we grew up together. The truth of the matter is that we have not lived in the same house for decades, the time we spent there was surviving the abuse from the Momster, and if we saw each other (3) times in one year that was a lot and we only lived less than 2yrs away from each other.

    They have no idea of what GOD has taken me through these past years, how much GOD has healed, and transformed me into the person I am today. It does not matter where we come from, it matters where we end up, and they are both still in the KoN due to their Damaged and/or Disordered nature. The best thing we can do for those in the KoN is pray for them. GOD calls us to pray for our enemies, but not be prey for our enemies, meaning we do not return to the KoN to try and rescue those who are not helpless victims, but are willing enablers/covert (n)s.

    With my Sisters in Christ the Love is reciprocated, where with my bioSisters it was a one-way relationship based on what I could do for them. I always wrote it off due to me being the oldest, but you see things from a different view point once you leave the KoN, and there is no FOG clouding your judgment, or getting in the way of a healthy perspective.

  3. (part 2)
    The thing with covert Ns/enablers, they say they understand, and logically they do understand how abuse is wrong, hurtful, and toxic but they lack empathy for whatever reason, damaged or disordered they do not empathize with us. Even if they were attacked in the past they do not want to identify with us (the victim), because they do not want to see themselves as a victim any more. They do not want to feel the emotional pain of being a victim any more, and being born & raised in the KoN the toxic long-term side effect is that they become desensitized to abuse & the pain it causes to others. Their wounds have not healed, and have only become calloused making the enablers unable to empathize.

    Top it off with the popular Cart before the Horse Theology that supports and encourages Premature Forgiveness, and you have siblings returning to the KoN, enabling the N in charge, convinced they are doing the right thing, and being a "Good Christian" when in fact they are going against what GOD has said about unrepentant/reprobate abusers. Luke 17:3 clearly states that we are to have No Contact w/those who lack remorse, do not repentant, and continue being abusive.

    Your Brother, like my youngest Sister, and like I was until I earned my degree in Psy. suffered from a Savior or Save Her Complex. Ns don't want to be saved, because they enjoy ruling the KoN, and see no need to give up their position of control, thus in their mind & from their twisted pathological perspective they don't need to be counseled/treated/saved/fixed/healed. They are right and everyone else who objects is wrong. Others just need to conform/submit/assimilate to their KoN.

    Brashworld I am so very sorry for your loss of your brother. I know how very painful this new discovery is when your sibling reveals that s/he is an Enabler siding w/the N in charge, making excuses for the abuses, seeking the N's Counterfeit Love instead of your Authentic Love. This cuts deep, and creates its own soul wound due to the unexpected betrayal from someone who you thought loved you. I pray you feel Christ's Healing Love surrounding you, and freeing you from all the toxic ties to the KoN. Share your pain with your Family of Friends, let them love you through this healing process.

    Christ has taught me many things these past two years. One essential Truth is that Family is defined by Love not Biology. Matthew 12:46-50

    The enemy operating through the N in charge, and the Enablers can take away our biofamily, but GOD can replace this void with a Spiritual Family if we let Him. Our Family of Origin is from Heaven not earth. NOTW
    Family is defined by Love not biology.

    Brashworld although we have never met I am closer to you than my biosisters, we have a soul & spiritual connection that is stronger & transcends the biological connection. We have both survived the KoN, healed from it, and are moving on to GOD's Greater Plans for our lives. You are a great wife, mother and friend and you are creating a new legacy for your children and you are changing lives for generations to come by leaving the KoN and living in the LOL (Land of Love). I pray some day we can meet here on earth before we see each other in Heaven.

    GOD bless you Sister in Christ.

    Letting Go

  4. WOW, Thank You So Much for your words - as always!! Yes, there is a greater connection knowing that we share a common past but more importantly - we share the same Spiritual Father. My DH and I were talking yesterday, as I was a bit down over the whole 'family' drama. We both came to the conclusion that God works in our lives in ways that we'll never understand. I've grown more in my faith, learned more about who I am, and am more convicted to make things different for my children now that I'm away from the KoN web. It's this type of 'pain' that I relish and look forward to because I know it has a much greater purpose. :)

    I never could have had this growth and allowed the Holy Spirit into my life if I were still stuck in the KoN making NM my idol and worshipping her every whim, idea, judgement. I have a new center in my life keeping me grounded - my Heavenly Father. And by my true Father, I have a new family - just like you mentioned - with you and so many others that God has brought to my life. I am humbled at God's Love! <3