Friday, July 23, 2010

Closure. . . redefine it to find it!

Do you struggle finding Closure? Is Closure something you are still searching, or reaching for in regards to a certain person or situation?

Is Closure something we need get from someone else, or is it possible that Closure can be achieved in another way?  

Which got me thinking,
Maybe we need to redefine what Closure means to our Self rather than to let others define it for us, and then get stuck w/not being able to fulfill the defined requirements.

What does Closure mean to you?

What do you need to find

How do
you define it for your Self?

As children our families & society teach us their concepts & definitions of Love, 
Acceptance & Forgiveness,
and Closure as well as other important aspects of life, and this has a tremendous impact on how one views Self in this world. Perhaps Finding Self is about taking a critical look at how we define these aspects of life for

Thanks to my Wonderful Friends that the Lord placed in my life during my Healing Journey, I have recently been enlightened on
why I was having difficulty finding Closure w/the Momster and the NFOO.

For me, Closure, the destination of going through all the Stages of the Recovery Process follows the last two Stages of Acceptance & Forgiveness and was contingent upon the Momster having Remorse which would give me Validation that what I experienced, endured, and survived was abuse, it was wrong, and in no way did I cause it, or deserve it. It is about calling a Wrong a Wrong. And I so despirately wanted the Momster to do that, because she was the one who was doing all the wrong, evil things. I was relying on the Momster to bring Closure, which was not going to happen, and would leave my Self feeling incomplete -- unless I redefined Closure for my Self

As long as Closure depended on someone else giving me what I needed I would never have it. Let's face it, the one thing toxic pathological people do well is figure what you want or need from them, and then don't give it to you. Never expect others to do for you what you can do for yourself. You will never find personal power if you depend on others to make you strong. Thanks to Susy's thread about NC being the Closure & the Validation to & for Self. Validation, Acceptance, Forgiveness, and Closure are interactive. The constant theme to all of this is that we can not rely, or depend on others to define aspects of our life and most importantly, others can not define our life, they can not define Self. Because if we give our power away to allow someone else to define our life, or even aspects of our life, then we are allowing someone else to control our life. We become a mere spectator to our own life.

We must learn that we are the main character in our own life, and we can not let anyone else write our script. If we have been given a toxic script, because we were born into the KoN (Kingdom of Narcissism), then we need to find Authentic Help from Wise Consultants to rewrite our own Script. We have all been given a Great Helper, a very Skilled Personal Consultant to rewrite our script, and that is the Holy Spirit. 

GOD is our Divine Director, our life a stage, and we each have a choice to see how this is going to be played out. Where we begin does not have to be where we end. 

Read Jeremiah 29:11, if you are not enjoying the fulness of life, trapped in chaos and confusion, things do not have to be this way. Things are not suppose to be this way. However, if nothing changes, then nothing changes. While we do not have the power, nor control to make others change, we do have the power, the control to make a choice to change what sort of people and things remain in our life. 

We can not go into the past, and change the past, but from this moment on we can decide what will remain in our life.

We must objectively critique our scripts, and delete things that are not true to our Character, and are deadly to Self. If Concepts like Marriage, Family, Relationships, Friendship, Love, Career, Religion, etc. play a huge role in our Life Script, then we have to see how each of these interact w/Self. We can not rely on someone else's interpretation of these important Characters in our Life, we need to carefully examine them for our Self. In The End the only one responsible for the way this all Played out is the Main Character, Self.

The following is from my friend Susy, a WoNder/ful Woman
That is all part of the devastating discard. The message is: you are not worth giving closure to. As far as I know, no one gets closure from a N relationship. Closure is for 'normal' relationships when both parties have hearts and empathy.

I love this quote:
"We want closure which is never going to come in a way that we want but we can find closure by No Contact. We want to be heard, want them to know the pain they've caused but they are never going to listen and if they do, they don't hear the words. What we often miss is the beauty of "No Contact." You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs - "Go to the Devil." No Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It is empowering. It is your last word. It is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know just who and what they are. They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word."

"No contact is so essential. Your pride and dignity are riding on it."

From this article:

How do you define ClosureIs Closure something we need get from someone else, or is Closure a Gift we get from ourselves to ourselves?

At this point in my life Closure is a Gift from GOD. Closure is Freedom from knowing that the past has no power to hold me captive. Closure is Peace from a knowing that all things (the good, the bad, the ugly, and the horrific) are transformed by GOD for my good to bless me, and to bless others through me. That out of the ashes of a painful past rises Unique Divine Purpose. 

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Did you do your homework?

When I was a child doing my homework was my way to survive the chaos of the KoN, ironically doing my homework also gave me the ability to escape the KoN.

Did you enjoy doing homework as a child or when you were in College?
Was it something you looked forward to or dreaded, postponed, and procrastinated until the very last moment?

When it came to writing I was a professional procrastinator. I knew exactly how long it would take me to turn out an (A) paper and I waited until the very last minute to get it done. I am not sure why I had such an aversion to writing, I suspect it had a lot to do w/the KoN because since I have left it I can not seem to stop writing and some of my writing is actually connecting w/other people which is an unexpected blessing & joy for me.

In College I gained an appreciation of the Scientific Method.
I especially loved math because it was constant and consistent. There was no arguing, no confusion, no chaos, and no gaslighting like in the KON. Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow 1 + 1 = 2 that never changes. There is a saying in the research world, "Statistics never lie, but Statisticians do." The confounding element of the human influence. Both my research and art background taught me how to look at things more objectively to remove myself out of the equation. I discovered the art of research in that there are mathematical rules, yet certain elements carry more weight than others. This explains why things may or may not add up right. I also discovered in research, like in life there is a Confirmation Bias.
We jump to our conclusion before weighing all the evidence in an objective manner. We are personally invested in a certain outcome so we do not equally consider alternative conclusions. Therefore we search for evidence that supports/confirms the outcome we desire and ignore the conflicting evidence that leads to a different conclusion then we want & believe in. Researchers do it often, after investing so much into their research and finding evidence that their theory or hypothesis was incorrect, instead of admitting their theory was wrong they find excuses to explain why their methodology (how they gathered the info) was wrong. These researches will blame themselves and "take one for the team" rather than to accept what they believe in, or who them believe in, what they base their theory on is wrong. Nobody likes to admit they are wrong. Accepting a reality that contradicts your personal belief is extremely difficult even for trained professionals.

Maybe you never enjoyed doing homework, but grew an appreciation for the rewards doing your homework & studying brings.

There is a difference between doing your homework, completing the assignment, and studying the information. Some people are quick studies and can do their homework, require the new information and past the test. For the quick studies, just completing their homework is efficient for passing the test. However, for most of us, we need to invest more time into studying new information. Additional studying is essential & required to gain a deeper understanding and application.

For information that I was already familiar with, had been exposed to in the past and made sense to me, I could make a personal connection with or relate to, I was a quick study. To information that was completely foreign to me and made no sense, I struggled with and it took a lot of studying to acquire. Studying about pathology, (i.e., narcissism & other personality disorders) made sense on a intellectual level, but I had trouble applying it to my own personal life because I could not personally relate to it, it made no sense, and I failed to make the connection. Everything I read about pathology from textbooks to self-help books refers to pathology as a personality disorder, which it is, but it is also much more than that -- it is a soul disorder which explains the lack of conscious from pathological people. It is this lack of conscious which gives them the ability to hurt others on purpose, lack remorse, because they actually find some level of pleasure in the pain of others, especially those who are closest to them.

The root of pathology is evil, to understand evil is to understand pathology.

To gain a better understanding of evil I went to the oldest & most reliable resource there is . . . the Holy Handbook. There are others, but this is the best because it has stood the test of time.

Do you know of any other books that talk about a pathological person's evil nature?A friend of mine has recommended a book called Emotional Vampires. I haven't gotten around to reading it yet or even purchasing the book, but the title alone has got my attention.

Just recently another friend of mine shared the following quote and I want to pass it on to you:

"According to ancient Asian philosophy, life is not a circle but a spiral. Every life lesson that has ever been presented to you (which means everything you have ever been through) will come back again, in some from, until you learn it. And the stakes each time will be higher. Whatever you have learned will bear greater fruit. Whatever you have failed to learn will bear harsher consequences.
The Buddha taught us that we each have one person to save-ourselves. Each of use gets one life in which to do that. This one. He also, allegedly, taught that we will not allow ourselves to awaken as long as we are doing something we don't feel good about." ~ Cheri Huber

In doing your homework and learning something new it is important to consider your style or modality of learning. There (4) elements to learning, hearing it which is Auditory, seeing it which is Visual, Tactile which is touch, and making a Personal/Emotional connection with ones own life. Auditory & Visual Learning are found in Traditional Learning Environments (schools, College, Workshops, etc). Students who can adapt to these styles are successful in school and those who can not "appear" to have a learning disability, until some great researchers discovered Tactile Learning. Tactile learners require information to be tangible, so that they can make connection & acquire the new information. Emotional Learners need the new information to connect with them on a personal level.

The most powerful learning takes place when we incorporate all our senses. This is very important to remember, especially in regards to relationships. We become conditioned to or attracted to a person when every aspect of our self is invested in that person. Unconsciously all of our senses are responding positively or negatively to another person. That is why you never have a second chance to make a first impression. It is crucial for species survival to make accurate assessments of situations regarding others. We need to quickly determine whether or not someone is a friend or foe. This absolute decision making is in our DNA because it serves a purpose. Once we determine if someone is a friend or foe that decision becomes solidified and is very difficult to change in any direction. Helpful tip to remind self to reserve our final decision until there has been sufficient time to consider all the evidence. If we are honest w/ourself and look back at our toxic relationship, our intuition did not fail us, we failed to listen to our intuition, or misinterpret the messages it was giving us. Perhaps the heightened flight response was confused for being a heightened arousal or attraction response. The increased heart rate & adrenalin rush can be confusing. In the beginning the toxic person is extremely deceptive & makes a very good impression and it is very hard to change first impressions even when there is evidence that states our first impression, or better yet the true nature of a person was wrong. As time goes by our connection strengths as we become even more attracted & conditioned to this toxic Counterfeit. Then the Devaluing & Discard happens and we must learn to "Unlove" toxic people or we remain in a State of Devastation to some degree or another. If you can learn to "Unlove" the toxic person before the Discard, then you can avoid the extremely painful Devastation Stage. There is still pain and sadness from ending a relationship, even a toxic one, but it is nothing like being Devastated from the Discard.

What is your Modality of Learning?

For me I am an emotional, visual, and tactile learner. You can tell me things over and over, you can write it out and I can read it over and over, but until I write it out myself w/paper & pen, visually see it myself, and objectively look at all the evidence myself, then make an emotional/personal connection to the new information I will miss the point. You can tell someone what to do through auditory or written words, you can physically show them how to do it, or supervise them & have them do it themselves. And the best way to know that you have learned something is to teach it to someone else.

Escaping the KoN is about, Searching for Truth, Finding Truth, Accepting Truth and Applying Truth to your life. Applying the Truth is difficult because is results in dramatically changing one's life and change is a challenge for most people.

All my life I was desperately searching for evidence that the N loved me, the Confirmation Bias, and that was not working, so I had to change how I went looking for Truth. Instead of looking for evidence on the N loves me, I looked for evidence on How the N loves me Not -- and the evidence of that stacked up, was over-whelming, very clear, so all that was left was Accepting and Applying the very painful truth of N loves me Not!

So how do we Learn to Unlove a toxic person? How do we un-condition ourself? How do we break the connection, so we can disconnect?

These are some things that have worked for me, so give them a try. The only thing you got to lose is a toxic relationship!

Let's start w/the first homework assignment of Writing It Out to Get It Out. This is a helpful tool many therapist utilize with their clients.

Have you made your S/He loves me Not list?
This is a list of all the things the toxic person has said or done to hurt you.

I know you have it in your head, but write it out on paper, this will make a huge difference in your life.

Have you written this out yet? If not, that is your Homework Assignment tonight!
This will help you get a new visual to see the N how s/he really is instead of how you want him/her to be.

In fact, let's add an additional assignment, for those who want to do extra credit, draw a picture of the N -- What does s/he look like to you w/out his/her mask? Break out the markers and go for it!

This is part (1) of your homework assignment.