Sunday, August 23, 2009

Letting Go With Honor - intro.

Letting Go With Honor:
The toxic, narcissistic, sociopath, evil, person in your life can be a parent, family member, friend, or foe. This blog demonstrates how to deal with a toxic, narcissistic, sociopath, evil, mother. The same concepts can be applied to a father, another family member, friend, or foe. For some reason, it seems that the hardest one to let go is the one with the mother. Maybe because she is the one who gave you birth. However, before you were created in your mother's womb God knew you. You are His creation-not hers! She carried you, but God created you. We were God's Child before we became our Biological Parent's. What God has taught me along my healing journey is that our Family of Origin (FOO) is in Heaven not Earth. Love makes a Family not DNA. Those who love us are our Family. Family is defined by Love not Biology.
A mother is created & ordained to protect her child, not purposely hurt her for her own selfish satisfaction. What Mother thinks that way? After deeply searching God’s word and doing some research I concluded that a REAL mother does not purposely want to hurt her child.
L. – formally known as mom, has been abusive and evil towards her daughters for as long as I can remember. In clinical terms she definitely fits the narcissistic/sociopath criteria. The King James Bible refers to these type of People who lack empathy & remorse and refuse to repent as Reprobates.  The term and concept of the Reprobate literally got lost in translation, and can not be found in any of the newer translations. 
As a very young child I knew L. had something wrong with her, and years later when I went to college to study Psychology things fell into place. During my college years through my studies, research, personal therapy, and job experience I began to accept the fact that the problem was not me, or my sisters (which we were brainwashed to think) but with L. However, knowing something and dealing with it the right-way are two different things. I have tried Limited Contact and No Contact (the only choice that really works with a true Narcissist), praying, pleading, and giving her personal therapy myself (out of desperation because she would not go to a therapist to change for others-only to fulfill her narcissistic supply by playing the victim and blaming others). There is nothing humanly possible we can do for a narcissistic person. The only hope is for him/her to have a Road to Damascus intervention with God Himself.
After being on my face in prayer I heard the Holy Spirit say that the only way that L. has a hope to change is that if she loses everyone in her life, then maybe she will turn to God, and He can fix what is broken. As long as she has someone else she can focus on (get her narcissistic supply from) and play the victim to gain sympathy that supplies her with all she needs and she will never take account of her own behavior, and be moved to repent and change. People are replaceable to a Narcissist. If someone is upset at a Narcissist, the Narcissist does not care, because the Narcissist will just replace that person with another. People do not have any intrinsic value to the Narcissist, so the Narcissist is not motivated to work on reconciliation, and instead will just substitute one person for the next. 
The few times I choose No Contact with my biomom lead to peace for me. Of course it would be nice to have a mother, and now being a mommy myself I would love to have a mom to encourage me, and wrap her arms around me when life gets tough, but a Narcissist can NOT be a mom. She just cannot be a “good enough mom” no matter how bad you want her to. As long as she has an evil mindset/spirit she will always be a curse in your life that will bring you down, and cause you and your spouse, and your children pain. The sins of the Parents are passed down to the 3rd and 4th generation. When our children watch the dysfunctional and harmful relationships they become accustomed to them so much so that they too will be in dysfunctional & harmful relationships, because it is familiar, normal to them, what they are use to, because we have modeled it for them, and it is how they think People interact with one another. Children will do what they see their Parents do, and if we stay in dysfunctional & harmful relationships, so will they. Staying in dysfunctional & harmful relationships gets passed down from one generation to the next, because we are all attracted to the familiar no matter how toxic it turns out to be for us. 
Deciding to make a Decision that will forever change your life, and the life of your children is not easy. Many People are afraid to let go of toxic people, because it creates a void, so out of fear we continue to make excuses for the abuses, deny the extent of the harm toxic people do to us and our Family, and keep harmful people in our lives. In my professional career I have worked with abused children, and given a choice between being safe & not having their abusive parent, and not being safe and having his/her abusive parent, the child will choose to be with the abusive parent rather than to have no parent at all. Children who have abusive and neglectful parents will purposely to something wrong to get their parent's attention. These children have learned that their positive behavior is ignored, but their bad behavior get their neglectful parent's attention and bad attention is better than no attention at all. Thus a bad parent is better than no parent at all. 
 The devil will use our longing to be loved against us. The Narcissist has brainwashed us into believing that s/he is the only one who will love us, and that we need their love, and can not survive without it. The Narcissist's Love is a Counterfeit, it is not Authentic, and it is only a Grand Illusion. We think that their love is elusive, hard to get, when it is really illusive, none existing, just an illusion. They love us not because of who we are, but what we can do for them which is give them authentic love. They give us Counterfeit Love, so that they can receive our Authentic Love. It hurts to admit to ourself that the person we love does not really love us in return. It is easier to make excuses such as, "well s/he just loves me in his/her own way, or as best s/he can." Once we stop the excuses, except reality for what it is instead of what we want it to be and realize that we deserve to be loved in return, and the Narcissist is unable to reciprocate love, because s/he enjoys hurting others, then we decide that we really don't want to have any contact with a person who can not return love and enjoys hurting others. We come to the very painful conclusion that we need to have no more contact. The death of a relationship is a very painful thing, especially if that relationship is with someone very close to us like a Parent, Spouse, or Child. There is a huge grieving process that comes from the death of a relationship. Only those who have experienced having to make the very painful decision of No Contact can fully understand what we go through, others who have not experienced having to let go of a very toxic person in order to free from abuse will not understand our decision, because they have never had to make this very painful decision.
I know from experience, that if I don’t have a strong personal relationship with our Holy Parent, then well intended fellow Christians can lead me to more abuse by giving advice on things that they know not of. Seek our Holy Parent’s advice, and lean not unto our own understanding, nor the understanding of others. Trust the Lord with all your heart and soul and He shall direct your path. Well-intended and very knowledgeable fellow Christians will even quote you God’s words such as “turn the other cheek, forgive 7 x 70, God hates divorce, love your enemy, and the famous honor thy mother and thy father. You have to know what our Holy Parent says about forgiveness and evildoers (Luke 17:3, basically they repent-you forgive). TRUE Repentance must come First. None of us are perfect, and we all fall so short of the Glory of God, but perfection is not what we are requiring, only the lack of continued abuse. We do not expect people to be perfect, just not abusive and when they do something hurtful to have regret, remorse, repent, change and stop hurting us. Life about Progression, not Perfection. Those who truly love us will stop hurting us and those who love to hurt us will continue to do so. 
Jeremiah 29:11 shows us that God has great plans for us and abuse is never apart of it. If someone tells you that s/he can't help themselves when they hurt us, then that is their admission that they are going to keep on hurting us, and will not stop. The Truth is they can stop, they just don't want to stop, because they enjoy hurting us, because when we feel bad, they feel good. How do I know that they have control over their behavior, click here.
What I know for sure is that if you seek, you shall find the answers you need for your situation.
It is my goal for this blog to not be a preaching place, but a teaching place.
Therefore, here is your first homework assignment:
(pray that God would speak to you through His words each time before you read)
Read-Matthew 10:34-39
Write down what you hear God saying to you about your life and your situation.
What feelings do you have?
When I read this (sentence/s). . . I felt. . . . write down all your emotions.
Write down any questions you have.
Did you find any answers? It's okay if you didn't this time-remember life is a journey.
How are you going to apply this new knowledge to your life?
Save this blog in your favorites & come back soon to find out how the powerful words from my awesome Holy Father set me free!

For the next blog post in this series, Click Here.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Freedom from toxic people!

Are you stressed out with dealing with hurtful/narcissistic/toxic people and have come to the conclusion that it is just not worth it anymore!

Are you tired of him/her saying or doing hurtful things over and over again that s/he knows will hurt you?

When you express your feelings about how they hurt you are you always wrong and s/he is always right?

Have you tried setting boundaries and s/he just does not care about them and tramples all over them?

Are you tired of wasting your time, money, energy, and life on a person who refuses to change to save your relationship?

Is the price of keeping peace at any cost leaving you to heartache and pain over and over again?

Is the only thing that is keeping you tied to this hurtful/narcissistic/toxic person is guilt?

Do you ever wish this hurtful/narcissistic/toxic person would be out of your life?

Would you like to "be free" but just don't know how?

Then save this blog in your favorites & come back soon to find out how I did it!

For the next blog post in this series, Click Here.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

The Proverbial Last Straw

The Proverbial Last Straw:
My biomother finally destroyed her second longest relationship (over 30 years) with one of two remaining friends. This friend has been closer to her than her own Sister. This friend has also been closer to me than any biological Auntie (let’s call her Auntie M). To make a very long story short; my mom expected me to cut off ties with Auntie M like she has done. Instead of obeying her demands, I repeatedly told her that I was not taking sides, and that there are 3 viewpoints to every situation; yours, hers, and God’s. My biomom decided not to press the issue, because she had a hidden agenda which was she needed a place to stay when she came out to visit family. After all these years of experience I know her better than she knows herself. Therefore, she dropped the disagreement over cutting off ties with my Auntie M until after she arrived at our house, and was settled in, then she thought she could manipulate her hidden agenda to get me to cut ties with my Auntie M.
My biomother and I were enjoying time out in my backyard watching my daughter play and enjoy a carefree life the way only a sweet toddler does. My mother commented on an outside toy that my daughter was riding on. I told her that Auntie M got that for her. And that’s all she needed for the demon to come out. Her entire personality changed. With cold hate-filled eyes and an aggressive tensed-up body (I thought there was smoke from hell coming out of her ears and nostrils!), she angrily said, “Auntie” M that’s like saying Uncle L. (the man who abused me as a child) or Father A. (my biological father who is also a serial child abuser). Biomom made a comparison that what my Auntie M did to her was just as bad "the same thing" as Uncle L and my biodad molesting her 3 daughters. I told her that you can not compare my Aunt kicking her out to Serial Child Molesters attacking her Children. I told her that it is not the same thing. And biomom said, "to me it is the same thing". I has asked biomom not to mention the Child Molesters name in my presence and she brought up their names because she knew it would hurt me. I did not bring up my Auntie's name to hurt her only to state a fact of who bought my daughter the toy. I have considered Auntie M an Auntie for over 30 yrs. Just because my Mom destroyed her relationship with her does not mean that I have to end my relationship with Auntie M. Because I will not do what biomom wants, then she will do what she can to hurt me by bringing up the Child Molesters.
My Aunt M had to get a court order to remove my mom from my Aunt’s own house, because of an escalated situation that happened with my mom saying, “something bad was going to happen if my Aunt didn’t leave her alone”. Of course my mom has no accountability, accepts no responsibility, and no remorse for her threat, or anything else she did while living with my Aunt (not paying rent, eating my Auntie's food, using my Auntie's house phone instead of her own cell phone, blasting the air to 65 to 60 degrees in the middle of Summer and opening the windows up to let the warm air out in the Middle of winter, and it goes on and on). Instead of moving out on her own months prior, which I recommended several times, my biomom let her relationship deteriorate with my Auntie to where my Auntie had to kick her out. 
 Instead of leaving on her own when things obviously go bad between her and someone else biomom purposely waits for things to escalate into a full blown fight, so that people are forced to kick her out, and she then can Play the Victim to triangulate, manipulate, and play one person against the other w/her insidious Smear Campaigns. My biomom has been kicked out of her own Mom & Dad's house, my house and my sisters’ houses several times before due to her mean, heartless, abusive, and toxic behavior. I explained to my biomom that what happened to her in regards to my Auntie taking her to court to remove her from my Auntie's house, even if I believed her side 100%, cannot even be compared to what child abusers have done to her daughters. She replied, “Well, to me it does”. What kind of mother says something like that to her daughter who was hurt by those demons? Did she say that extremely hurtful thing in the heat of the moment, and not have really meant it? My Sisters and I have made excuses for her abuses our entire Life. We did so in order to not face the true nature of biomom which is an evil person who enjoys hurting anyone, even her own children. We got really good at making excuses for her abuses. Her true identity behind the mask she wears is to frightening, so instead we deny reality. The devil will tell you any lie you are willing to believe. Biomom truly means what she says, justifies it, and has no remorse.
That very evening came and went and no apology, no regret, no conscious & no remorse what-so-ever from biomom. I told her that night, when she left for her friend’s house the next morning that she did not have to come back to our home after she was done visiting w/her friend as she previously planned. This of course became a huge issue too, because she never accepts other peoples feelings, especially if their plans are in conflict with hers. She had no acknowledgement, nor remorse for the cruel thing she said to me. She only cares about how she is now inconvenienced by trying to find another place to stay. She just demands that everyone do things her way regardless of how it affects others, and if they don’t then "there is something terribly wrong with that person".
The next morning she packed her stuff up, and waited on our front porch for her friend to pick her up. My husband and I decided to take our Daughter to a petting zoo for the day, and we wanted to leave first thing in the morning, so we did not have to see my biomother at all that morning. We did not wait with her until her friend came to pick her up, because I did not feel like subjecting my Family to my biomom’s toxic attitude of how she’s right, and everyone else is betraying her, because they disagree with her. My biomom sat in a comfortable chair with a footrest, under our covered porch, while a nice summer morning breeze was blowing. She had a cold drink in her hand, and something to read until her friend arrived (these details are very important, because she will later lie about how she had to wait in the hot summer sun, etc.).
While we were getting in our car she wanted to say good-bye -- to my Daughter, because that is the only one she cares about, because she can get unfiltered adoration from my little Daughter to fill the Narcissistic Supply (NS). She asked me, Are you mad at me? Which is N speak for, have you changed your mind, so that I can return to your home, and have a place to stay instead of having to go to a hotel, or better yet guilt someone else to stay with. I told her that I was still mad. She asked, What for? (Selective Amnesia/no conscious). I told her to think, and pray about it. She replied, How could I think (notice not pray) about something I don’t even know? So I told her that because I have asked her several times in the past to not bring up the Monsters names L. or A. in my presence, and she keeps on doing it. She replied, “oh that” (with a very smug & extremely devaluing attitude).
A week and a half past, my biomom was now staying at my youngest sister’s house and she leaves a message on my machine, that thing about L. and M. sorry, but that’s just how I feel.” (manipulation so that later she can say she apologized-no regret, no remorse, no repentance/no conscious, instead a justification for hurting me). Biomom's time in our home state came and went and I avoided further contact with her. Later when she returned to her home state she calls me back (of course because she had a hidden agenda of wanting something from me--an e-mail that her friend C had sent me telling me how my biomom has destroyed her relationship with C and for my biomom not to blame Auntie M. for it, and take responsibility for her own behavior that caused C to end the 40 + friendship).
  Instead of saying that she enjoyed her time spent at our house biomom complained why she didn’t get to see us (meaning my Daughter) more than "just twice" (the week she stayed with us and one day at my sister’s house). She can recall all the details of our visit except the part where she deliberately tried to hurt me. Again I told her the main reason why I was upset with her and she said, “sorry but to me what L & A did [attacking her children] was the same as what M did to me [getting kick out of someone's home]". In my biomom’s narcissistic mind a child abuser viciously hurting her daughter is the same exact thing as her friend/sister kicking her out. She also tried to blackmail me by saying, "if you can keep in contact with M, then I see no reason why I can't talk about A & L" [the child abusers]. Which is N-speak for, if you don't do things my way I am not going to do what you ask from me. Since I didn’t do what she wanted, than she certainly wasn’t going to do something I wanted her not to do. How dare she have to do something for someone, and not get something in return. She is unwilling or unable to put her own Daughters best interest above her own selfish desires.
Side note, years ago when my biomom first found out about L. hurting me, she did not believe I was telling her the truth, and my Auntie M. had to tell her that she believed me, and that she felt I wouldn’t just make something like that up. I was there to witness how my own mom did not believe me -- this is a child's worse fear. My biomom also claims she confronted L., yet continued to socialize with him, and break bread at his house, travel in his car, etc. She brained-washed me into thinking that my grandmother would literally die if she ever found out what L did to me. She didn’t want to tell her sister how her husband hurt me, because that would destroy her barely existing relationship with her sis (extremely limited contact between the two, they were never close). 
 One night when my two sisters got together to confront my biomom on how she was not dealing with this situation with L attacking me, by ignoring it and not telling her sister who is married to L that her husband attacked me, my biomom yelled at my sisters, “What do you want me to do pick up the phone and call her right now?” Thinking that my sister would back down, instead my sister said, Yes that is exactly what I want you to do, right now call her, and she picked up the phone, and handed it to her, but of course she refused. My biomom said that it would be choosing her daughter over her sister, and she would not do that, and no one was going to make her do anything that she doesn’t want to do. 
 Needless to say more years pasted, and biomom never told her sister or her mom, so I did. My grandmother was mad at my mom for not telling her years ago when my mom first found out. My grandmother is still alive to this very day, so fear not of speaking the truth! After this particular night (which was about 10 years ago), my youngest sister and I did our first No Contact with our biomom-which lasted over one year. I should have left things that way, but I didn't. I was encouraged by family & friends to Forgive & Forget, be a Super Christian and a Superwoman who is not affected by her attacks. God spoke to my heart & mind and gave me the knowledge, which I shared with my sisters, that the only hope that our mom had in changing was if all 3 of us girls had nothing to do with her, leave her alone with God, and get out of God’s way. Proof that the only thing that works with a narcissistic/toxic/evil person is NO CONTACT. Although they both agreed neither could follow through so as long as our biomom has one of her Daughters in her life, she has Narcissistic Supply (NS) and the rest do not matter. We are not individuals, but sources for her supply that can be substituted, and replaced with other people as long as they supply what she wants.
Some may think that this is not enough to end a Relationship with one's own Mom -- However, this is just the final straw which might seem insignificant by itself, but it is the totality of a Life Time of abuse from a person who enjoys hurting others, has no remorse, and no desire to change and stop being abusive. She is what the Bible refers to as the unrepentant sinner or what the King James Version refers to as the Reprobate. With Reprobates who do not repent, because they lack remorse due to a lack of conscience than God is clear that we are to have No Contact.

Purpose of this blog

On my Journey of Letting Go I noticed that I was not alone in having a toxic/narcissistic/evil person for a mom. Perhaps if I can share what I have gone through and how I have been set free from a very painful relationship, then maybe someone else out there can be set free to soar. I have experienced all types of abuse, and believe me the spiritual one is the MOST damaging of all! The effects can last for eternity. There is a special place in hell for those that purposely use/d God's words to hurt people.
It is my purpose for this blog to be a place where people of faith and no faith can be lifted up, be encouraged, and wounds can be healed. For those that don’t know God I hope you will hear how very precious you are to our Loving & Holy Parent and that you really do matter to someone. God loves you. God does not care about religion-He wants a personal relationship with you. God does not want a Religion from us, but a Personal Relationship with each of us. No matter what your parent, family, friend or foe has said; you are beautiful in His sight. For those that do know our Holy Father, I pray our relationship with Him will grow even closer than we can ever imagine.
Go ahead share your story, post a question, or just read.