(Disclaimer, people who choose to stay married to or live with the Nspouse in order to protect their children from the alternative shared custody situation where their abusive Nspouse would do more damage if left alone w/the child does NOT apply to this article. My friends have enlightened me that there are situations where it is better to stay w/a toxic person IF the children would be harmed if left alone w/their abusive parent, and the children do not have the legal power to refuse visitation w/their abusive parent. If a person lives where there is forced visitation, I can understand why a loving & protecting parent would remain w/the abusive one until s/he had legal power to protect her/his child/ren. These are not enabling situations -- they are survival situations)
There are two types of People in the KoN, the Damaged and the Disordered. The Primary Abuser, the Overt N is obviously Toxic, Disordered, Pathological, and a Sociopath. It is not hard to identify his/her behavior & nature as harmful to others. However the rest in the KoN are not so easily identified. In the past Enablers have been classified fellow victims and helpless to end the Primary Abuser's/Overt N's Reign of Abuse. Are they really as helpless as they want us to believe? Or . . .
Is their perceived helplessness yet another Grand Illusion in the KoN? Just like the Primary Abuser, aka Overt & Obvious N, Are Enablers not who they appear to be?
The Overt N rules at the center of the KoN making or forcing everything and everyone to revolve around him/her, but does this person rule alone or is there a covert helper?
In this New Year, 2010, we can either go forward as we always do or we can take a hard healthy self-inventory and allow the Holy Spirit to convict us on things that we need to do differently in life. We can either make changes or we can continue to make excuses for the bad choices we make and the terrible choices others make. My new motto for this year, along with the Toxic Free Zone, is Make a Change, not an excuse!
So how does this relate to Toxic Relationships? In my life sooooooo much time was wasted on the Primary Abusers and dealing with the Toxic Mess they left behind. Part of dealing with the toxic clean up is quickly realizing who is with you and who is against you in the clean up process. Do other family & friends involved want to truly clean up the Toxic Mess and prevent future dumps & contamination by dealing directly with the Toxic Person who caused all the Carcinogenic Chaos, Detrimental Dysfunction, and Devastation, or do they really just want to cover it up by making excuses or Victim Blaming with Guilt Tripping Tactics of Forgive & Forget and Be the Better Person?
Is their idea of dealing with the overt N, aka Primary Abuser, and cleaning up the Toxic Mess, fixing the problem result in Whitewashing it all away? Nothing more than Excuses for the Abuses. Have you heard of Whitewashing?
For a great explanation of Whitewashing by the Enablers, aka Secondary Abusers or Silent Partners, click here.
In my family of origin, I was born into the position of Official Toxic Cleaner-Upper, or better yet, Official Toxic Waste Management (since nothing was ever completely cleaned-up nor cleared-up until I went No Contact [NC]). My younger siblings quickly learned how to fill my position when I was unable or no longer willing to perform this duty. As long as I offered "a shoulder to cry on," or perceived sympathetic ear the Toxic Person who I use to refer to as "mom" would seek out a relationship with me. However, when I started asking her to be accountable for the choices she made and the damage she caused to others she quickly found others who she could get her Narcissistic Supply of Sympathy from by portraying herself as the Martyr or Victim. She figured out real quick that if she had a "need to complain" and "express her feelings" about others to me (i.e., trash talk, put down others, aka Smear Campaign), then I mistakenly thought at least while she was talking with me, she would have to own up to the role she played in a given relationship or situation that "all of a sudden went wrong" according to her. Of course her favorite thing to do to avoid accountability is to have Selective Amnesia. The few times she actually admitted that her choice was wrong was instantaneously followed by a huge BUT . . . which was a List of Excuses in which I was to select one in order to justify her bad choice, and thus proving to me and everyone else involved that the other Person was wrong, and that she was blameless for her abusive behavior which she "couldn't help doing & had no other choice", thus she could not be held responsible for hurting others. She always had a "reason" to explain why she chose to do or say something that she knew would hurt someone so as to excuse & nullify her abusive behavior, and appear to the untrained/unexperienced eye that she "had no other choice to make", and that she could play the poor victim when people held her accountable for her mean calculated statements & behavior.
I would be lying if I said I never enabled her toxic abusive narcissistic behavior. As a child it was my Coping Mechanism to make excuses for an evil mother, "not herself today", "didn't really mean it", "doesn't know how to love because she wasn't loved (her Mother being abusive towards her has never been proven, quite the opposite in fact)". All this was done in order to avoid the very painful Truth rather than to admit, accept, and deal with the fact that the woman who gave me birth actually finds pleasure in her Children's pain. Children's enabling behaviors are understandable, because in Toxic Abusive Families they are powerless to require a change from the Abusers and Adult Enablers, for if the Child insisted that the Primary & Secondary Abusers change it would just expose them to further Abuse. I wish I could say that my enabling days ended with my childhood, but they didn't. They continued, although very infrequent, until about my junior year in College. Before I could be completely set free & healed from the abusive relationship I was born into I had to do some hard, tough, painful cleansing work on the role I played as the Enabler.
It is one thing to be born & raised in the N's KoN where being an Enabler is a way of Life, because we simply do not know any other way to live and the bottom line is that most People can not admit to themselves that the Person they love is truly Evil, therefore we make Excuses for the Abuses rather than realizing & admitting the Abuser has a choice and chooses to harm others. When Abusers attack their abuse is Victim Specific meaning they have complete control and awareness of what they are doing because they only chose to attack certain individuals. For more detail about how the Abusers know that they are doing is wrong, and are completely aware of what they are doing and have complete control over choosing to abuse click here.
I am so sickened by the News continuely reporting on how yet another child is murdered, because the adults in his/her life enabled the murder by making excuses for his/her abusive, evil behavior until it was too late and another precious life is viciously taken away. While physical abuse destroys the body the verbal and emotional abuse destroys the soul. The attacks from an evil person can be just as Destructful & Devastating when her weapon of choice is not her fists, but her Serpent tongue. The Holy Handbook says that we hold the power of life and death with our tongue. We can either create or destroy by just opening our mouths. The constant verbal & emotional abuse people suffer as Children can leave their souls so slaughtered that they don't know their own self-worth. They don't know that their own life has value and purpose. They become the walking dead who make terrible choices because they don't value themselves, since no one else ever did. Their bodies may be alive on the outside, but inside their Joy, Hope, and Spirit is gone.
Just a thought . . . If only one Adult Enabler (aka Silent Partner or Secondary Abuser) stands up for the abused, stops being a coward and starts being a Hero and says No More, the abuse stops now, then these tragedies could & can be prevented.
Buckle-up baby! Put on your spiritual seat belt, because this is going to be a tough ride--for some people! The following is not meant to hurt, but to heal, even though it may be hard for some to hear. While Enablers are not the Primary Abusers they are the cowards who stand by and watch their child, their sibling, their family member, or friend be abused. A question I would like to pose to the Enablers is one that Dr. Phil made famous which is, “How is that working for you?” What is your pay off? What are you gaining from a situation where your loved one, especially your child is being horribly abused? Yes, I have heard it all before, the popular “Self-Protection Excuse”. The Self-Protection Excuse is like a coupon – you can only redeem it one time. Further uses make it invalid. By simply identifying the abused wife as only a "victim" renders her blameless, helpless, and powerless to change her situation. She must take some responsibility for the life-threatening situation she finds herself & her Children in.
To put the responsibility solely on the Primary Abuser and to expect him to willingly give up his position of power & abusive behavior is naive to say the least. It is like telling the salve master to give up his slaves and set them free--not going to happen without a fight! In the case where the Primary Abuser is the husband of the Enabling Wife, she must make a well thought-out Escape Plan, so that she and her children can leave their abuser when he is gone (i.e., at work, on a trip, etc.,) and not at home as it would put their very lives in danger. The excuse that I am staying for the “Children’s sake” is a lie she tells herself and her children. It is a lie because if she really wanted what is best for her children she would keep them safe and have them in a Loving Safe Environment. Ouch, yes sometimes the Truth can hurt, but it will always set you Free! The fact that this Enabling Wife has been abused by her husband and brainwashed to think that she and her children deserve no better is a Lie from Hell. Does she really want the Children to grow up thinking that abuse towards them and their Mom is normal and is what they should expect & accept in life now and when they are adults? Does she really want her children to marry someone like her abusive spouse -- or someone much worse? When they grown up what kind of Life will her Children lead? Are her Children going to be the Monster or the Victim in this Legacy of Abuse -- What is she raising them to be by staying and enabling the abuse to continue? I know change is scary, but so is staying w/an Abuser. Women who realize their Self-Worth and the Worth of their Children leave the abusers as soon as they can when it is safe and never look back.
Where There is True Love There is No Abuse and Where There is Abuse There is No True Love.
How about the situation where the Primary Abuser is the wife/mother and the husband/father is perceived as "too kind, gentle, weak, etc." to stand up to her Narcissistic Evil Attacks. Back to my original question, What is the Enabler gaining from a situation where your child or loved one is being horribly abused? They are getting the pay off of being the Golden Child that they never were in their Family of Origin (FOO), or they are simply a Narcissist him/herself. They may not be at the same level as the Primary Abuser, overt & obvious N, but they are a lower level covert N. They don’t want to be rejected by the Primary Abuser and lose their "perceived" Favored Position, not even for their own Children. They prefer and chose to reject their own Children rather than have the Primary Abuser, Overt & Obvious N reject them. They justify it in their own minds as Self-Protection or Protecting the Children from the Primary Abusers potential escalated attacks & harm which is understandable and acceptable for a given situation, but not a Life Time. Over a Life time, over years it is no longer about Self-Protection, but rather Self-Interest. When does the Excuses for the Abuses Stop? When will the Enabler, Silent Partner, Covert N take a stand? These cowards want to say they don't want to take sides, that they love us both. They want to stay neutral. But you can not be Neutral when Evil Beings are involved.