Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Tyler Perri & Forgiveness

Tyler Perri's interview w/Oprah left me with many mixed emotions. I really feel for Tyler Perri for all he endured and survived and is only beginning to heal from now that he no longer feels that he must remain quiet. As a child who was abused I understand how he said he died that day his evil sperm donor beat him to the point of blacking out and dissociating. I applaud him for having the courage to come forward and tell about the nightmare he survived and by doing so he removes the shame and places it where it rightfully belongs on the Monsters who hurt him. It is not Tyler's shame, but the Monsters to own & carry. Unfortunately Tyler is holding on to shame that does not belong to him. He has started his healing process & has made great progress, but there are things he is blocking which in time he may be ready to address someday. The complete truth of what he endured & those who are responsible for Failing to Protect is a very hard thing to accept. It is a lot easier to make excuses, then to accept that people made wrong choices that brought abuse to his life. Tyler's personal goal is to dig deeper, so that he can discover the feelings he has been suppressing regarding those who should have loved & protected him from evil and not be evil to him. I appreciate that Tyler was so very open & honest about the abuse he endured and how he struggled with the effects of the different types of abuse. I know that was not easy to do no matter how rich & famous you are. Tyler is an inspiration for others, especially Men, to come forward and share the horrible nightmares they endured. I am glad that Tyler & Oprah are going to do a follow-up program w/men coming forward to talk about the abuse they survived.

Since Tyler was unable to address how both his parents failed him as a child I will. What I noticed in Tyler's interview w/Oprah was a lack of anger towards his parents for not creating a safe & loving home for him. I believe Tyler needs to stop suppressing & start publicly addressing & expressing the anger towards both his parents. There may be private moments when he begins to get in touch w/his anger and then I think he becomes fearful of it, so instead of acknowledging it, giving it a voice & letting it out to full expression he puts a cap on it. I pray someday he will feel safe to fully let it out, to get it out, so it will no longer fester inside. He needs to fully Champion the Child that was lost instead of denying him a voice. He was forced to cover up, hide, & deny the sins of his parents and he is still doing that today. He continues to carry their shame, so that they don't have to. As a child he felt responsible for his Mother and as a grown adult he still feels responsible for her in that he could not even tell what happened to him until his Mother passed away. He said that he could not bare to be the source of her pain. He does not get it that it is the evil psycho dad who caused & is responsible for all the pain that Tyler & his Mom endured. Tyler was not only shielding his mom from the pain of revealing the truth about the abuse, but also the shame of Failing to Protect her child. I wish the both of them would have come forward years ago to share what they survived and that she would have had the courage to admit that she failed her Son. It would have been so healing for the both of them, not to mention us viewers, who could have witnessed the process of a parent validating a child's abuse & pain by accepting responsibility, being accountable, having remorse, asking for forgiveness and Tyler giving her Authentic Forgiveness. What if she went on to live 10 or 20 more years would Tyler have kept all that bottled up inside just to protect her from exposing a painful & hideous truth about his childhood? He is hyper-focused on his Mom & preoccupied w/her feelings instead of healing the child within by giving that young child a voice to express his anger toward a parent that Failed to Protect him. His Mom either directly or indirectly gave Tyler the message that she could not handle the public knowing about the abuse.
Putting his needs aside for his Mom's public image is a form of abuse.

I know first hand about this guilt to keep quiet. For years my grandmother picked up on the disconnect between her, my Aunt and my family and knew that something was wrong. She kept asking, Is there anything wrong? And of course I would reply, nothing is wrong. During the last visit to my grandmother's I was avoiding going to my Aunt's house because I did not want to be around her husband, the man who repeatedly hurt me when I was a child. The Momster called me at my hotel room and told me, "You are not going to cause trouble & cause a scene?" She was afraid that I was going to expose the Truth about her BIL. She further stated, "I didn't spend all that money to travel here, just so that you could cause a problem." I was told by the Momster that her mother, my grandmother, due to her poor health would literally die if she found out how my Aunt's husband hurt me. I believed this lie for years, until I heard the soft gentle voice of the Holy Spirit say, that is a lie, your grandmother has endured a War, the death of one of her children, the boat trip to America, she can handle the truth. It will hurt her, but it will not kill her. She was able to hear the Truth & she is still alive years later. I understand that the lie appears so strong that you actually believe someone can die from the Truth being told. Shame on both Tyler's Mom and the Momster for forcing their children to remain quiet about the abuse we endured. How terrible of Tyler's Mom for making her son bare this pain alone. She should have encouraged her child to come forward years ago and stand with him and show remorse for having Failed to Protect her Son.

Instead she made him feel like he had to keep the secret. Again her primary concern was not for her child, but for herself, and making her child feel that it is his responsibility to protect her. This is a great example of the misplaced Child who is parenting their own Parent, when the Parent is the Child and the Child is the Parent. Shame on his Mother for allowing this to continue into his adulthood and never once putting her own feelings aside for her child's. Even as a grown Man he feels responsible for protecting her, yet she did not feel responsible for protecting him when he was a helpless child, nor to support him as an adult while he exposed the horrible abuse. Sure she was a victim too, I get that, but does that forever exonerate her responsibility to protect her child?

His mother had no problem running to her Sister's for help, knowing that her Sister owned a gun and would use it. His Mom removed Tyler from the Demon dad's house and then she moved him back knowing that he will continually be abused over & over again (even Oprah's non-verbal expressions showed she had a problem with that). I don't believe it is healthy for Tyler to make excuse after excuse for his Mother's horrible choice of enabling the abuse to continue. What if Tyler's Aunt would have shot the Monster to protect her Nephew? I believe that is what Tyler's Mom was expecting her to do, for someone else to take responsibility so she wouldn't have to make the hard choice. Enablers, like Tyler's Mom who allowed the abuse to go on for years are nothing more than Secondary Abusers. When there is a Monster of this magnitude a Mother must protect her child, because her child was clearly not safe by staying.

Eventually there must come a time when you risk your own life to save your child's. Her life and the life of her child's was in danger regardless if she chose to stay or leave. Staying did not keep her or her child safe. In my book she is clearly guilty of Failure to Protect. By law a Mother is allowed to protect her child by any means possible when there is Clear and Present danger as w/Tyler's dad. If she shot him herself, it would be out of protecting herself and her child from extreme harm. It would have been a clear case of Self-Protection. She had options available to her, more than other woman in her same situation. She had a Sister who supported & protected her & her child. Society just wants to paint her as a victim, because to admit that she had options & she Failed to Protect her child from a Monster is too painful to admit, we would rather just view her as a helpless victim rather than to accept the alternative that her Enabling was a form of severe child abuse.

Sure she was a victim, but she was also a Secondary Abuser to her child & for that as a Mother myself I have no empathy for her sacrificing her child to a Monster. There is a very ugly secret about abusive "families" that was not addressed on the show which is that victims find relief when other victims in the family are being abused. Many feel a tremendous amount of guilt for feeling relieved that they are not being abused and someone else is & others suppress or deny the guilt and somehow try to justify why their loved one is getting beaten instead of them. That is some small way the other victim is partly to blame for "triggering or causing" the abuse they are suffering. I believe this played a huge part w/Tyler's Mom. To even imagine His Mom feeling relieved that her Son is being abused instead of her is a truth too painful for Tyler to admit to himself let alone Oprah or the public. Sons in abusive families often take on the rescuer role for their Mothers and will sacrifice themselves in order to protect their Moms from harm. They will often "trigger" a beating so that the Monster will attack them instead of their Mom. I fully understand this because I did this w/my Sibs, I tried to take their beatings both physically and verbally so they didn't have to endure the abuse from the Momster. You don't automatically grow out of this role and even though the threat is gone the one-way relationship remains of always placing other person's needs & wants ahead of your own. Tyler lost his role of child in order to protect his Mom and I lost mine in order to protect my Sibs.

Now for the Monster, other wise known as Tyler's Demon Dad, I hate what he did to Tyler & his Mom. The Monster's comment that if he had beaten Tyler even harder he would have become President may be too horrible for some to believe that this jerk actually meant what he said, but he did. I know he truly meant it because the Momster has said some equally evil things that others have a hard time believing until the Momster herself said, "I truly feel this way. I really do." His lack of empathy and remorse & continued abuse sickens me. And what breaks my heart is Tyler's disconnect to the reality of the Demon Dad. Forgiving the Monster so that Tyler does not carry the anger inside of him and allow that to contaminate his life & relationships, I SOOOO get that. I really do. By not killing this Monster, Tyler is showing great self-control, Forgiveness, Mercy & Grace. However, by supporting this Monster in luxury sends the wrong message to other monsters, victims of child abuse, victims of all kind of abuse, and the public. Tyler is perpetuating two kinds of lies; (#1) That Child Abuse is not serious or devastating because Tyler has done very well himself, so well that he is actually supporting his abuser. Would he support the Monsters that sexually abused him? Why not? They are no different than his demon dad. Lie (#2) That this Forgiveness (supporting the Monster in luxury) is some kind of highly evolved state of healing or Super Christian power of Loving Thy Enemy. What about the requirement of Remorse, Repentance, not to mention Restitution?

Friends of mine a WoN, recently recommended, Janis Spring's book, How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not to, I wish I could send a copy to Tyler. I really like the following words from Janis,"Morally & Spiritually, you're no more required to forgive an unrepentant offender than you are to love him. You're free to reserve forgiveness for someone who has the fortitude to admit his culpability and the decency to help release you from the pain he has made you suffer. I would go as far as to say that you don't restore your humanity when you forgive an unapologetic offender; he restores his humanity when he works to earn your forgiveness."

I believe when we give Cheap Forgiveness to an unrepentant offender we rob/deny him/her the chance to restore his/her humanity, so no wonder they continue to hurt others. Each time Cheap Forgiveness is given more and more of their humanity disappears or dies. Cheap Forgiveness does not make the offender a better person, it makes them Worse. It INCREASES their level of pathology (as demonstrated w/the Monster's statement to Tyler that if only he would have beaten him more Tyler would have become President ) . Cheap Forgiveness is one reason why Ns get worse not better w/time. They drop their mask because why do they need to invest the time & energy to keep it on when people are just going to automatically forgive the unrepentant offender for hurting them.

Any time a person would require the Momster to accept responsibility for her abusive behavior and be accountable, have remorse & change/repentance she would say, "I wish people would just accept me for who I am." I believe it is her way of saying, Look I am a N or P who has lost her humanity I do not want to restore it because I like being a N or P, it works for me, so just accept me for who I am, a Narcissist or Psycho. In other words, put up and shut up. The Momster's ex-life-long friends (one who knew the Momster back in College) said "Your Mom was always different, had trouble getting along w/others, but over the years she has become someone I don't even recognize". The Momster D&D this ex-life-long friend just because she would not agree w/the Momster that it was my Aunt's fault for ruining their relationship. That is the Momster always trying to blame others for what she has done. The Momster also destroyed her relationship w/her life-long friend because her friend refused to accept the Momster's excuses for hurting her. This time the Momster's friend did not give her Cheap Forgiveness, like she had done so many times in the past, so the Momster ended the relationship by hanging up on the friend & never again making contact. The Momster would rather throw away a life-long friendship (over 40 years) than to accept any responsibility for her abusive behavior.

For me Forgiveness & Acceptance was something I had to redefine to find,

As well as finding Closure to the KoN,

Although I am NC w/the Momster, I ordered Janis Spring's book, How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not to, because it will be a great resource for other relationships.

Tyler's father was and still is an evil man being and Scripture tells us to rebuke evil, have nothing to do with it, so do not house it in a mansion, empower it, validate it and treat it like a god. Tyler does not have to desperately try to prove he is better than the Demon Dad, Tyler is very good and his sperm donor is very bad & evil, we get that, Tyler has nothing to prove to us and has nothing to prove to himself, or even God. Jesus knows that Tyler is a very good Man and that the Demon Dad is a very evil man. Who is Tyler trying to convince that he is better person than the Monster? The Monster continues to devalue him and in the Monster's mind Tyler will always be Less-Than that is why the Monster can justify his abuse towards Tyler. Surely Tyler could find a much better use for his money such as changing the Laws of our Land so that Child Abuse would have NO Statue of Limitation, like murder, because like Tyler said, the Monster killed that innocent child w/in him that day. There should be NO Statue of Limitation for a Slaughtered Soul. He needs to kick that Monster out of the Mansion.
I know we are taught to Honor our Mother & Father, so how do we fulfill this commandment when our parents are evil? The spirit in which that law was written was a Holy Sprit and it pertains to imperfect Parents, not evil parents. Children of Evil Parents are exempt from traditionally honoring evil parents. A Holy Spirit would not tell us to honor an evil one. We can honor evil parents in different ways. Here are some suggestions,

Forgiveness is one thing but inviting a child molester back into your life and supporting them is another. ~ May
Well said May! I of course completely agree. I must admit that many Christians mess up the concept of Forgiveness for themselves as well as for others. I have searched and searched Scripture and I have not found it ever written that we are to forgive unrepentant people. Repentantance is a requirement for Forgiveness, it is a requirement for Salvation. Even mere words are not enough, the person's heart must be right. Their heart must feel authentic remorse & pain for what they have done to the other person. We can lie & deceive others through Counterfeit Remorse & Repentance, but we can not deceive God, for He can see into our very soul if we are truthful or not. It is not my intent to have a Bible Study, just to point out that at least where America is concerned it is One Nation Founded Under God. These precepts, principles & concepts of Forgiveness are Biblically based and when Christians claim that they are following what God commands & teaches in the Bible well, we have got to check out the reference & investigate what it states. The following is just a few examples. There are many more. For those who want to do a more extensive research, you could use,


and type in the word/s repent/ance

Peter shows that a person must have true repentance in his heart and not just in his words. This is his response to a Man who tried to buy God's favor & the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

Acts 8:20-23 (New International Version)
20 Peter answered: "May your money perish with you, because you thought you could buy the gift of God with money! 21 You have no part or share in this ministry, because your heart is not right before God. 22 Repent of this wickedness and pray to the Lord. Perhaps he will forgive you for having such a thought in your heart. 23 For I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin."

Our words alone are not enough, our behavior/actions, and our thoughts/intent must also be Authentic & Honorable. And as we know, Ns & Ps are pathological liars and will tell you any lie you are willing to believe. We must require that their behavior lines up w/their words. Actions speak louder than words and are more truthful, which is not to say that people can not pretend to be good and deceive others, they can, but the truth eventually comes out & exposes them for the Counterfeit they really are. We can not automatically accept that they have changed just because they said they did, we must look for the consistent proof of that.

Luke 24:46-48 (New International Version)
46 He told them, "This is what is written: The Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, 47 and repentance and forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem. 48 You are witnesses of these things.

Luke 17:3 (New International Version)
3 So watch yourselves.
"If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.

In Acts, Peter, a disciple of Christ tells the people,
38 Peter replied, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. 39 The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off—for all whom the Lord our God will call."

Letting, I agree with what you said. I was watching Joyce Meyer the other night talk about her father. She said that God told her to move her parents up to were she is but she was. She also supported her abusive father financially. She said that after a few years of supporting her parents, her father was in tears repented and asked for her forgiveness. She said that he had changed.~May

I have heard Joyce Meyer's speak on different topics and there are many things I am in agreement with her when what she has said is confirmed by Scripture. However, Forgiveness w/out the requirement of Repentance is putting the Cart before the Horse, it just doesn't work that way and it is not found in Scripture.

Repentance is putting true remorse into action. So how do we know if someone has truly repentant & changed?

When people tell me that God told them to forgive their abuser w/out the requirement of repentance I wonder why would God tell you one thing and tell the rest of us (the entire World) something else? He is no respecter of person. He does not play favorites. The world values status, credentials & fame, God does not. We are all equal under the Cross. I view one's personal relationship w/God very sacred and as long as what s/he says God told him/her to do lines up with the Holy Handbook, then I do not pass judgement. What God tells a person to do w/his or her
ownlife is between that person and God, until they encourage, direct, imply or state directly or indirectly that others are to be like them & do like them. We are to be like Christ, not like Secular or even non-secular, Christian Celebrates. I must say that I question their ability to discern their own desires from Christ's, because God is faithful to His Word, so He would not instruct the entire World to require Repentance, but a select few are to offer Cheap Forgiveness by not requiring remorse & repentance.

Most child molester's re-offend when they see an opportunity. The others who have not re-offended have not changed, they just haven't been caught yet, or haven't figured out a way to get away w/their
next crime. Their desire to cause harm to children never goes away. The Demon Dad who hurt my Nsis, years later after he claimed "God changed me," he remarried, became an active church member, a teacher at a local school, pillar of the community, he adopted a baby w/his new wife and a few years later was caught by his wife hurting their little D. I have seen these Monsters up close, one even hurt me, so I know they are not sorry for what they have done only that they have been caught and will be punished for their evil. The tears of remorse is just an elaborate illusion and a counterfeit powered by the public's own projected & transferred emotions. We think they have regret, because any normal person would, but they are not normal, they are evil in the disguise of human beings.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Going into Private Practice. . . . What do you think? (Part. 1)

Warning: If you have not watched last night's episode of Private Practice do NOT read this article. If you haven't seen this episode, I highly recommend it. I think it can open the door to some great discussion about the Narcissistic Continuum. Here is a link for the episode,

Great writing, like great art, has the ability to elicit strong emotions and last night's episode definitely did that for me. Second Warning, do NOT watch this episode right before you got to bed! It took me quite while to get to sleep last night. All 3 story lines were very provocative & thought producing.

My personal alternative titles to last night's episode would be called either,
The Good Doctor or Healthy Narcissism.

Which doc was the Good Doctor/Friend and which was the Narcissist?

What do you think?

When my choice benefits myself, yet is a detriment to someone else is that healthy?

What if that someone else is not a stranger, but someone very close to you?
Or the child of someone who is very close to you like Betsy?

Is abuse only when we do or say something harmful?

When we neglect to do the right & honorable thing is that abuse?

This is what other viewers are saying,

*If you haven't been following this series it might be hard to fully grasp the impact of the decisions these characters each made.

The Back Story definitely would help. The Deceased Daddy Del was a character who made mistakes in his youth (addicted to drugs, turned his girlfriend, Betsy's deceased Mom onto drugs) and has worked hard to redeem himself. In fact he sacrificed his own life taking care of Sam & Naomi's pregnant D after the two of them were hit by a drunk driver while Del was driving the pregnant teen to the hospital. They could have lost both their D & grand D if it was not for Del. I am hoping that when Naomi returns she will redeem this story line or that Violet's conscious will get the best of her and she will change her mind. What I found disturbing was Violet's intentions, by doing right by Betsy was somehow going to make up for not bonding w/her new born child. Violet was going to do the right thing for the wrong reason. It was always hard for me to come up w/an example of doing The Right Thing For The Wrong Reason, now I have a perfect example. I would like to think that there is more to Violet then just being motivated to do right for Betsy for her son's sake. I think she really connected w/Betsy and who better to take care of a child who lost both her parents, Mom was a drug addicted, Aunt recently gave her to Del's friends, then a Foster Mom who is also a psychologist?

The extent to just how bad they failed her would come from knowing the back story. Many viewers, from some of the reviews I read are saying they are going to stop watching. I hope not. I personally love a story about redemption. so I am tuning in next week and hoping for the best.

The only person who did the honorable thing was Aunt Monica. She realized her limitations and she did what was right by her Niece Betsy by searching for Del's friends (per his instructions) who were described & identified close as Family Members. These Good Doctors were suppose to be a Family of Friends to a person who laid down his very life for his Friends and one of their children. Violet's closing comments of "We did a bad thing. We did a very bad thing. Shame on us." -- or something like that (oh here it is, "“We did a bad thing. You all know it. We did a bad thing.”) further demonstrates that Narcissists are fully aware what they do is wrong -- they simply just don't care because they lack loyalty and honor. I don't believe the Good Doctors are Super-sized Ns like the Momster, but they definitely fall on the Narcissistic Continuum.

Here is the song as Violet was rejecting/betraying Betsy. It is appropriately titled Shame.

Friday, October 1, 2010

You Again! Best Friendemies?

I am very interested in the dynamics of interpersonal relationships and lately I have been reading about people who are writing about Different Types of Friends/Friendships. As I am doing my homework or research on Friends I am discovering that people are also writing about Friendenmies (friends who are really your enemy). not sure about the correct spelling of the word. I have seen it spelled a couple of different ways.

In the thread Must See Movies & TV,
examples of Authentic Love are provided and NewWings mentioned one of my favorites, Fried Green Tomatoes. I believe that CZ has the Spirit of of Towanda!
What really bothered me is what some of the critics said about this movie. Basically that woman are incapable of this deep level of love for one another unless they are sexually attracted to each other. I do not believe this to be true. Sure our culture plays into women's insecurities and competitiveness, but many of us do not buy into this. I believe there are many women here at WoN who would make great friends. There is a new movie, You Again about what is popularly called Best Friendemies. It is disheartening to me that having or being a Frienemy is becoming so popular, especially among young girls. It is that Toxic Triangle that some girls find themselves in where they compete among themselves to be the Golden Friend of the Popular Girl in the group which results in the Less-Than or Less Preferred Friend and Least Preferred Friend Statuses. Even very young Pre-K girls do this. Two of them can play well together, but bring in a third or fourth and if there is a Mean Girl in the bunch, she takes this opportunity to exclude her targeted Scapegoat. I hate when this happens and what bothers me even more is that some teachers and parents view it as "a child's right to choose who she wants to play with and who she does not." I believe we have the right to choose who we want to be friends with and who we do not, but this exclusion is not about choice it is about the power to hurt others which is mean, hideous and wicked. Some argue that the Mean Girl has a Fear of Rejection so she is doing to others what she fears will be done to her, or maybe what has been done to her. Some people believe that the way to treat Mean Kids is to love them into kindness and they purposely place their own children in the line of fire. This is not my approach. My D and I talk about how a certain child is being mean today, how we don't have to play with him/her or any mean person, until they can be kind. Maybe tomorrow Little Sam or Sally will be kind to others, but today, s/he chooses to be mean so we will play w/our friends who are kind. Children who don't want to be mean, eventually stop when they receive this consistent consequence, however, there are some who just pick another group of kids to manipulate until the entire class no longer wants to play with them. My D has told me a certain child is mean everyday so I don't want to play with her anymore and I tell her that is a very good choice.

Some girls really enjoy being Mean Girls and the Movie that glorified this behavior has some people viewing this Nism as "normal childhood behavior". It may be common in our backwards world, but is definitely not normal or healthy. While watching a Movie depicting Mean Girls and how they treat others might be entertaining for some, this is definitely not realistic. As we all know, having an N-counter is not enjoyable and is very toxic. Some very young girls get addicted to the drama & chaos from toxic relationships.

On the flip side, I must say that the You Again movie trailer looks like the movie would offer a lot of laughs and be fun to watch. It is very important that we explain to our children exactly what we find funny and why and how certain N-behaviors are not funny at all. Perhaps this a great chance to open dialogue w/our children about Authentic Friends and how Mean Girls become Mean Women. How bullies don't grow in love only in age and don't get better, but instead much worse over time. We need to explain to our childeren how these N-counters drain a person's time and energy and it is best to invest our time, energy, love into Authentic Friends who can reciprocate love, appreciation, respect, trust, etc. How toxic people are over drawn because they keep requesting authentic love from us and give none in return which makes us feel emotionally bankrupt after an N-counter.

Has anyone seen this movie and what did you think?

Here is another interesting article,

I guess symbolically speaking, if people could be identified by colors, an Authentic Friend would be white (or perhaps your favorite color), an enemy would be black (or your least favorite color [black happens to be one of my favs]), and a Frienemies would be a shade of grey. I never liked grey, not really sure why? I have no desire to have Grey Friends or Frienemies.