Friday, January 28, 2011

Desperately Dancing with the Disordered

N represents the N in your life, the Nparent, Spouse, Sibling, Friend, etc.

I know this Dance you are doing w/your N, because I have done it my entire Life with the Ns that I have N-countered. Problem is it keeps us reacting to the N's moves instead of ending the dance and stepping out on our own. We think we are making some headway when we move one step forward, yet some how we always wind up 3 steps back. In the beginning dancing with the N is intoxicating, but eventually we realize that it is plain toxic. We keep complaining that the N is a Bad Dancer, yet we continue the dance expecting this time N will not step all over us. If I give him/her just one more chance, this time it wont be painful. This time the N wont drop me, and I wont get hurt. Surely this time s/he will do better -- at least a little bit better. You can learn a New Dance based on Equality & Balance, and when you dance this New Dance w/others (healthy partners) things go pretty smoothly & the dance is very enjoyable, and you can share that info w/N, teach N about the New Dance moves, N may even tell you s/he understands, yet N will not give up the Old Dysfunctional Dance, N will trip you up because you two are not in sync, N is completely Off Balance and you will try your best to compensate and wind up taking the fall over & over & over again. N has no desire to learn a New Dance because in the Kingdom of Narcissism (aka the KoN) the N ALWAYS has the control & takes the lead, and no matter what you do you will Never Be Good Enough for N's dance. You will drive yourself crazy trying to learn N's dance or trying to teach N yours. N dances the dance of the Disordered. And we dance the dance of the Damaged, until we stop dancing w/the the Disordered and take the time to heal from the wounds the N gave us while we were dancing with him/her. You can spend the rest of your life trying to get N to dance Normal or you can accept that N will never be able to dance w/you. You will never fully enjoy a single dance w/N. Even if you manage to squeeze one good dance in N will make you pay for forcing him/her to do something N does not enjoy doing, and N will deeply wound you in the next dance, hence the never-ending anxiety of how do I prepare & protect myself for what will come next? What will N's next dysfunctional moves be & how do I avoid getting hurt once again? It will always be chaotic and painful & leave you wounded and hurt, or you can finally accept N just can not dance.

When you accept that N can not dance, then you can begin to focus your time & energy on grieving the dances you will never have w/N. That is the painful part we avoid, so we keep trying Desperately to Dance w/the Disordered. We think if we end the Dance with the Disordered, someone else will come along and teach the N how to dance & the N will be a great dancer and they will have the dances that belong to us, that were meant for us to share & experience together with N. Only the N is not capable of a Normal Dance. The N only enjoys the Disordered Dance that brings pain to his/her Partner. The N may mimic a few Normal Steps, but s/he will always lead his/her Partner back to the Dance of the Disordered. Any time we expect the N to Accept & Respect our Feelings, Thoughts and/or Decisions, and Value us, we are Desperately Dancing with the Disordered. Partners are instantly replaceable to Ns and that is why they do not grieve losing us, because they always have someone who they devalue into an object to manipulate & control. Ns appear to be having fun with their new partners/objects and they are because they enjoy the chaos & misery that they are creating with their new partner/object. They find pleasure causing pain for their partner. Their partner looks like s/he is happy, but that is only a Deceptive Illusion, their Performance is a Lie, because their dance is void of Authentic Love and they are Desperately Dancing with the Disordered.

When we stop Desperately Dancing with the Disordered, and find Healthy Partners who can reciprocate Authentic Love we discover the Peace & Joy that comes from the Normal Dance with Loving Partners. We discover that we actually enjoy Dancing when we are partnering with a Normal and not a Disordered. We experience Equality & Balance and it is Awesome. We learn how Wonderful Dancing can be and how it was meant to be when Authentic Love is reciprocated to us. We actually have a Passion & Desire to Dance. Once we know what is possible, how to achieve it and how to maintain it when we N-counter a N who asks us to dance we can refuse picking up old patterns that are now obsolete and protect ourself from trying to Desperately Dance with the Disordered. When we watch the N's Disordered Dance moves they will be absolutely ridiculous, disgusting & repulsing to us, because we will remember the extreme discomfort, pain & deep wounds they cause and we will not be tempted to dance with the disordered. Instead we will spend the valuable time we have left dancing with Normal Partners who truly value who we are and love dancing with us. The Dance of Love is Spectacular and we never have to settle for anything less. It is our Destiny to Love and be Loved.

It is Friday Night and I have the Desire to Dance! Find someone who loves you for you and Dance. Dance with your DH, or Child, or Friend, or with yourself, for yourself. When is the last time you just got up and Danced? Put on the Music from your Childhood or your favorite music Today and Dance. Have you lost the Desire to Dance, because of the N? Then Reclaim It and get up and Dance. If you have a N in the house and s/he starts to get jealous and judge, ignore them, turn up the Music louder and Dance Dance Dance! Take your first steps into Self-Care and don't care what the N would say and Dance! Sometimes we Dance, because we want to, tonight I am dancing because I need to. There is healing through Song & Dance.

When is the last time you grabed that hairbrush and sung into it like a microphone?Remember how much fun that was, so care free, without a concern in the world? Go ahead and do it. Bring some joy from the past into the present and Dance & Sing. Go ahead and Shout out your favorite Songs. Get into your own sexy grove. I dare you! You know you want to, and tonight you will not be alone, I am going to grab my hairbrush and Sing & Dance, and rock out to my favorite tunes. I hope you will join me in spirit and do it too. As my friend CZ says, Music is what feelings sound like. And I say, Music makes your Soul Dance. Practice great Self-Care and do not deny yourself the Dance. Enjoy yourself by dancing with and for yourself. Go ahead and Dance and let me know how it went!

Be back later. . . Gone to Dance!

For another Post that compliments this one, Click Here. After Dancing! Go have fun and Dance & Sing! Feed the Soul! A Strong Soul can make Tough Decisions. Take a very needed break, this Post isn't going any where, so get up and Sing & Dance.
I hope you Dance.


  1. Fantastic analogy SDisLG!

  2. This is a BRILLIANT analogy. .

  3. Thank you Liberty, Planetjan, and PWC. I appreciate the kind validation you have given me. I always wonder if what I write resonates with others, so it feels very good to know that you enjoyed this post. It encourages me to continue my writing. Thank you.

    Hugs to you

  4. Wonderful post! I just found your blog and I really feel like it's what I've been looking for. It's comforting to know someone else understands a toxic relationship. I've realized recently that's the kind I'm in so now I'm building my courage to let go of it...

  5. Fergeygirl, I wish you the strength & courage to let go of the relationship you don't want in order to be free to find the relationship that you do want and deserve. It is not easy letting go but it is definately worth it on levels we aren't even aware of until we are out of the KoN (Kingdom of Narcissism). Life is way too short to waste our time chasing after the Illusive Love of the N. Blessings to you.
    Letting Go

  6. Oh Fergeygirl, I wanted to give you a helpful tip in regards to letting go of the toxic N -- limit your time w/the toxic N as much as possible and increase your time w/healthy people who can recipocate Authentic Love to you. True Love empowers and Toxic Counterfeit loves steals our energy, Self-Worth, etc. Authentic Love feeds the Soul and NVamps just feed on our Soul. Please let me know when you leave this KoN and I will be celebrating your Freedom. Wishing you the very best.
    Letting Go

  7. It's has been over 18 months since I have been waiting on God to guide me. I found you blog by accident but it's guiding me more than even the Pastors in my church. How do I subscribe to your blog?

  8. Keepingfit, it brings me joy to know that the Lord has lead you to this blog. It may have seemed like an unplanned accident, but I assure you that it was not a coincidence, but a GOD occurrence. Much of Church World does not understand the mind of the pathological Reprobate that lacks empathy, remorse, and repentance because the Reprobate needs to make others feel bad in order that they may feel good, which is an evil spirit. Because many Church leaders have not N-countered a Reprobate in their personal life, have not been harmed by the Reprobate they give advice that is not Biblically sound and actually goes against the word of GOD. Luke 17:3

    To subscribe to this blog, you can go to the home page, and sign up to be a follower -- that title still freaks me out! I wish Goggle would call it readers instead of followers, because the only one worthy of following is Christ.

  9. "We learn how Wonderful Dancing can be and how it was meant to be when Authentic Love is reciprocated to us. We actually have a Passion & Desire to Dance. Once we know what is possible, how to achieve it and how to maintain it when we N-counter a N who asks us to dance we can refuse picking up old patterns that are now obsolete and protect ourself from trying to Desperately Dance with the Disordered."

    I am an adult child of a narcissist mother and have been struggling with wondering what life would be like "on the other side" (what you described) and the fruits of it (what you wrote...refusing to pick up old patterns, now gone, which protects us from trying to dance with them)! I am working on plans to get away from her. I am sucked dry and a blob at this point and know the solution is to get away from her and then find loving caring people to dance with! Thank-you for sharing your hard earned, beautiful wisdom on the matter!