Saturday, January 1, 2011

Forgiveness -- Redefine it to find it!

Forgiveness means many different things depending upon who you ask and when you ask them. I have spent my entire life defining Forgiveness for myself based on someone else's perception and definition which held me captive to the pain of the past & trapped in very toxic & abusive relationships in the present, due to how I once defined Forgiveness which use to included Pardoning & Forgetting what was done to me by my abusers, "Forgive and Forget" and then try to continue the relationship as if the abuse never happened. It was only until I searched the Scriptures for myself that I have discovered what Forgiveness is and what it is not. Find the Truth and the Truth shall set you free. Based on what I found, I have redefined Forgiveness based on what God has said and not what someone else proclaims He said. At the end of my days, the only one held accountable for the choices I made in my life is me. As far as Forgiveness goes, I need to make an informed decision based on what God has said to us. It is essential that each one of us reads Scripture for ourselves, and do not allow others to interrupt it for us, but utilize our Helper, the Holy Spirit to understand what God has said for our own Life. Other people claim they know what God has said (including myself), but we can not rely on the understandings of others. It is important to listen to the thoughts of others, but we must do our research and check out the facts for ourself.

Forgiveness as well as other important aspects of Life (Love, Friendship, Fulfillment, Destiny, etc.) has a tremendous impact on how one views Self and how we live our Life in this World. Perhaps finding Self, maintaining Balance and achieving true Peace & Joy is about taking a critical look at how we define these aspects of life for Self.

Maybe we need to redefine what Forgiveness means to our Self rather than to solely let others define it for us and then get stuck w/not being able to fulfill their defined requirements.

Life is a fascinating dichotomy. It is very complex and simple at the same time.

Peace, Fulfillment, Joy, Love, Acceptance, Forgiveness, and Closure are interactive. The consistent & constant theme to The Meaning of Life is that we can not rely or depend on others to define aspects of our life and most importantly, others can not define our life, they can not define Self. Because if we give our power away to allow someone else to define our life or even aspects of our life, then we are allowing someone else to control our life or even aspects of our life. We become a mere spectator to our own life. It is not surprising then for some people Life has lost all its meaning, and that their own life means nothing to them, because they have given their power way to others to define what belongs to them. Some people were born and raised in the KoN which meant their personal power was stolen from them before they ever had a chance to build it. Your Life belongs to You. Free Will is a gift from God, and as long as we have our humanity and do not become evil, then it can not be taken away and we should never give it away.

We must learn that we are the Main Character in our own Life and we can not let anyone else write our Script. If we have been given a Toxic Script because we were born into the KoN, then we need to find Authentic Help from Wise Consultants to assist us in rewriting our own Script. They are to guide, not dictate. We must objectively critique our Scripts and delete things that are not true to our Character and are deadly to Self. If Marriage, Family, Relationships, Friendship, Love, Career, Faith, Joy, Peace, etc. are a part of our World View and play a huge role in our Life Script, then we have to see how each of these interact w/Self. We can not rely on someone else's interpretation of these important Characters in our Life, we need to carefully examine them for our Self. In The End the only one responsible for the way this all played out is the Main Character, Self.

What does Forgiveness mean to you?

How do you define it for your Self?

Forgiveness & Acceptance is a marriage of two very important aspects of my life, and the two shall become one, and they are for me. Here is my definition of Acceptance.

I totally understand not being able to move to Acceptance and Forgiveness the way some people define it. I think getting there is about redefining it for your Self. For me, acceptance & forgiveness does not mean Forgetting what was done or being some Super Saint w/a big red cape flapping in the wind and Pardoning the evil that was done to us. As long as Forgetting & Pardoning was part of Acceptance & Forgiveness I could never get to those stages either. For me Acceptance is about accepting What Is instead of an illusion of how I want things to be, or how I Want them to Be. Acceptance is about accepting a Reality and not a Fantasy. It is about Accepting this toxic relationship will remain toxic because Ns don't change. Acceptance means that I am healthy and normal to not want to settle for Toxic, Counterfeit Love and that I am not a self-centered N to reject Toxic, Counterfeit Love and look for Authentic Love. Acceptance means accepting that things must change, our relationship must end, so that N & I can stop making one another miserable. Acceptance means accepting that the N & I have two different paths to travel in this life and they are going in opposite directions and that is okay. Acceptance means accepting that
most people who come into our life are not designed to stay the remainder of our life -- even a Parent or a Sib. Acceptance is accepting that the Nparents, & Nsibs did not leave me, I found my Self and I left them. Acceptance is accepting that Biology does not mean Love and Bonding. Acceptance is accepting that an Authentic Family transcends the mere constraints of Biology. Acceptance is accepting that my core Self is constant regardless of my circumstances & relationships. Acceptance is accepting that the Ns behaviors are toxic & deadly to Self and that is not ok, but I will be ok. Acceptance is accepting that I did not spend not one minute more than I needed to in the KoN. Acceptance is accepting that I did my very best for those in the KoN and I can not do anymore. Acceptance is accepting that I am not their Savior, that is not my role nor is it in my job description. Acceptance is accepting that I am Letting Go and Letting God take care of the KoN and Heal me from the KoN. Acceptance is accepting that there is no more Unfinished Business left in the KoN--It is Finished. Acceptance is accepting that the past was a part of my life, but it does not define my life. Acceptance is accepting that my best years were NOT spent in the KoN and are beginning right now Free from the KoN. Acceptance is accepting that the Gift of Life is the Best Part, the Good, The Bad, The Ugly, and the Amazing. Sure I could have done w/out the Bad & Ugly parts, but Acceptance is accepting that it was just a part of my life and can no longer contaminate the Good & Amazing parts.

Forgiveness is not about Forgetting & Pardoning the evil that was done to me or even the evil person, but is about not being stuck in resentment & revenge and searching for retribution. Forgiveness is about releasing & relieving myself of the guilt that I spent too much time in the KoN. It is about moving on and focusing my love, energy, joy, and happiness else where. There are only so many hours in the day and I can not let the evil of the past contaminate the Joy of Today.

I don't believe that you can reach nor should you even try to reach Forgiveness when you still have contact w/the N, especially when your divorce is not final. This would be counterproductive to Self. Anger is a good stage to be in when you are battling the N in a divorce &/or custody case.

You must define the final stages of Acceptance & Forgiveness for your Self. Trust your Self that when you have defined these stages and ready to move to them, your Self will know. Part of Acceptance is accepting that your intuition is a gift to be utilize and to Forgive yourself for ignoring it and not using it correctly in the KoN.

For a fun mental exercise, click here.

Forgiveness, Acceptance, Closure, are not things you can rush and must occur in their own time. It is counterproductive to Self to as my friend CZ has said, put the Cart before the Horse in there is a time for Hurting and for being Angry for what has been done to us by evil people. Anger is a great stage for people to be in when they have been recently attacked by a N and are battling for their life and the life of their children, because w/out it you will not be able to defend Self against all those N attacks you are & will be N-countering until things are finalized. Please know that my thoughts, love and prayers are w/you while you are battling out of the KoN. F
or those who are in a Court battle w/the N, I pray for a wise and just Judge who will see the Ns for who they are and throw the entire weight of the book at them. For those who are in a personal battle w/the N I pray that the N-chantment & Cloaking Spell will be broken and the Ns true identity will be revealed to all.

The KoN and healing from the KoN is focused on trying to understand N when it should be trying to understand Self. I know when you are actually in the KoN being abused you are looking for people to validate that what your experiencing, the crazy chaos & abuse from the N is wrong and that it needs to change, and you are so very right in your feelings & thoughts. The Ns abuse is wrong, and it should change, unfortunately it is not going to change because the N lacks true empathy, regret, and remorse for what s/he has done and has no desire to change (no matter what s/he says), because they actually enjoy hurting others.

I want to end this article on one of my favorite prayers, which is the Serenity Prayer.
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference

The extended version is beautiful and can be found here.

In regards to the KoN and the people that live in it and rule it like the Momster, I have accepted that I can not change the Ns, but I can change how I respond to them. I can decide whether or not I want to continue to have a relationship with any of them. I can end contact & the relationship w/abusive Ns and I can change my old relationships with lower-level Ns, create & maintain a Hallmark Relationship by never deceiving myself that I can ever expect more than they are able to give which is extremely low quantity & quality. I can accept that the Hallmark Relationship is what it is and that I can have Self-Discipline, so that I never give away more than I am willing to lose. I can accept that in the Hallmark Relationship there is No Expectation of Reciprocation. I can be free from the pain of the past and that it does not have the power to keep me captive, contaminate my Present, nor steal my Tomorrows. I can grieve what can never be with the the Ns that have N-countered my life. And most importantly, I can focus on the blessings that I do have, change Me by stop being reactive to Ns & other people and proactive to & for Self so that I can move forward into achieving a Full and Abundant Life.

My New Year's Resolution to Self, and to this blog is to take the focus off of others, stop being Reactive and start being Proactive. If this sounds like something you are interested doing to, then follow me while I continue this Journey of Self Discovery.

(p.s. Self Discovery, as in discovering things yourself is a blessing one of my friends recently taught me and with a little help from a Friend I Discovered how to embed links into words at least on this blog! It is great when we are open to learn new info., understand the new info., accept the new info., and apply the new info. Awesome how Life works just in the right time. )

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