Sunday, August 23, 2009

Letting Go With Honor - intro.

Letting Go With Honor:
The toxic, narcissistic, sociopath, evil, person in your life can be a parent, family member, friend, or foe. This blog demonstrates how to deal with a toxic, narcissistic, sociopath, evil, mother. The same concepts can be applied to a father, another family member, friend, or foe. For some reason, it seems that the hardest one to let go is the one with the mother. Maybe because she is the one who gave you birth. However, before you were created in your mother's womb God knew you. You are His creation-not hers! She carried you, but God created you. We were God's Child before we became our Biological Parent's. What God has taught me along my healing journey is that our Family of Origin (FOO) is in Heaven not Earth. Love makes a Family not DNA. Those who love us are our Family. Family is defined by Love not Biology.
A mother is created & ordained to protect her child, not purposely hurt her for her own selfish satisfaction. What Mother thinks that way? After deeply searching God’s word and doing some research I concluded that a REAL mother does not purposely want to hurt her child.
L. – formally known as mom, has been abusive and evil towards her daughters for as long as I can remember. In clinical terms she definitely fits the narcissistic/sociopath criteria. The King James Bible refers to these type of People who lack empathy & remorse and refuse to repent as Reprobates.  The term and concept of the Reprobate literally got lost in translation, and can not be found in any of the newer translations. 
As a very young child I knew L. had something wrong with her, and years later when I went to college to study Psychology things fell into place. During my college years through my studies, research, personal therapy, and job experience I began to accept the fact that the problem was not me, or my sisters (which we were brainwashed to think) but with L. However, knowing something and dealing with it the right-way are two different things. I have tried Limited Contact and No Contact (the only choice that really works with a true Narcissist), praying, pleading, and giving her personal therapy myself (out of desperation because she would not go to a therapist to change for others-only to fulfill her narcissistic supply by playing the victim and blaming others). There is nothing humanly possible we can do for a narcissistic person. The only hope is for him/her to have a Road to Damascus intervention with God Himself.
After being on my face in prayer I heard the Holy Spirit say that the only way that L. has a hope to change is that if she loses everyone in her life, then maybe she will turn to God, and He can fix what is broken. As long as she has someone else she can focus on (get her narcissistic supply from) and play the victim to gain sympathy that supplies her with all she needs and she will never take account of her own behavior, and be moved to repent and change. People are replaceable to a Narcissist. If someone is upset at a Narcissist, the Narcissist does not care, because the Narcissist will just replace that person with another. People do not have any intrinsic value to the Narcissist, so the Narcissist is not motivated to work on reconciliation, and instead will just substitute one person for the next. 
The few times I choose No Contact with my biomom lead to peace for me. Of course it would be nice to have a mother, and now being a mommy myself I would love to have a mom to encourage me, and wrap her arms around me when life gets tough, but a Narcissist can NOT be a mom. She just cannot be a “good enough mom” no matter how bad you want her to. As long as she has an evil mindset/spirit she will always be a curse in your life that will bring you down, and cause you and your spouse, and your children pain. The sins of the Parents are passed down to the 3rd and 4th generation. When our children watch the dysfunctional and harmful relationships they become accustomed to them so much so that they too will be in dysfunctional & harmful relationships, because it is familiar, normal to them, what they are use to, because we have modeled it for them, and it is how they think People interact with one another. Children will do what they see their Parents do, and if we stay in dysfunctional & harmful relationships, so will they. Staying in dysfunctional & harmful relationships gets passed down from one generation to the next, because we are all attracted to the familiar no matter how toxic it turns out to be for us. 
Deciding to make a Decision that will forever change your life, and the life of your children is not easy. Many People are afraid to let go of toxic people, because it creates a void, so out of fear we continue to make excuses for the abuses, deny the extent of the harm toxic people do to us and our Family, and keep harmful people in our lives. In my professional career I have worked with abused children, and given a choice between being safe & not having their abusive parent, and not being safe and having his/her abusive parent, the child will choose to be with the abusive parent rather than to have no parent at all. Children who have abusive and neglectful parents will purposely to something wrong to get their parent's attention. These children have learned that their positive behavior is ignored, but their bad behavior get their neglectful parent's attention and bad attention is better than no attention at all. Thus a bad parent is better than no parent at all. 
 The devil will use our longing to be loved against us. The Narcissist has brainwashed us into believing that s/he is the only one who will love us, and that we need their love, and can not survive without it. The Narcissist's Love is a Counterfeit, it is not Authentic, and it is only a Grand Illusion. We think that their love is elusive, hard to get, when it is really illusive, none existing, just an illusion. They love us not because of who we are, but what we can do for them which is give them authentic love. They give us Counterfeit Love, so that they can receive our Authentic Love. It hurts to admit to ourself that the person we love does not really love us in return. It is easier to make excuses such as, "well s/he just loves me in his/her own way, or as best s/he can." Once we stop the excuses, except reality for what it is instead of what we want it to be and realize that we deserve to be loved in return, and the Narcissist is unable to reciprocate love, because s/he enjoys hurting others, then we decide that we really don't want to have any contact with a person who can not return love and enjoys hurting others. We come to the very painful conclusion that we need to have no more contact. The death of a relationship is a very painful thing, especially if that relationship is with someone very close to us like a Parent, Spouse, or Child. There is a huge grieving process that comes from the death of a relationship. Only those who have experienced having to make the very painful decision of No Contact can fully understand what we go through, others who have not experienced having to let go of a very toxic person in order to free from abuse will not understand our decision, because they have never had to make this very painful decision.
I know from experience, that if I don’t have a strong personal relationship with our Holy Parent, then well intended fellow Christians can lead me to more abuse by giving advice on things that they know not of. Seek our Holy Parent’s advice, and lean not unto our own understanding, nor the understanding of others. Trust the Lord with all your heart and soul and He shall direct your path. Well-intended and very knowledgeable fellow Christians will even quote you God’s words such as “turn the other cheek, forgive 7 x 70, God hates divorce, love your enemy, and the famous honor thy mother and thy father. You have to know what our Holy Parent says about forgiveness and evildoers (Luke 17:3, basically they repent-you forgive). TRUE Repentance must come First. None of us are perfect, and we all fall so short of the Glory of God, but perfection is not what we are requiring, only the lack of continued abuse. We do not expect people to be perfect, just not abusive and when they do something hurtful to have regret, remorse, repent, change and stop hurting us. Life about Progression, not Perfection. Those who truly love us will stop hurting us and those who love to hurt us will continue to do so. 
Jeremiah 29:11 shows us that God has great plans for us and abuse is never apart of it. If someone tells you that s/he can't help themselves when they hurt us, then that is their admission that they are going to keep on hurting us, and will not stop. The Truth is they can stop, they just don't want to stop, because they enjoy hurting us, because when we feel bad, they feel good. How do I know that they have control over their behavior, click here.
What I know for sure is that if you seek, you shall find the answers you need for your situation.
It is my goal for this blog to not be a preaching place, but a teaching place.
Therefore, here is your first homework assignment:
(pray that God would speak to you through His words each time before you read)
Read-Matthew 10:34-39
Write down what you hear God saying to you about your life and your situation.
What feelings do you have?
When I read this (sentence/s). . . I felt. . . . write down all your emotions.
Write down any questions you have.
Did you find any answers? It's okay if you didn't this time-remember life is a journey.
How are you going to apply this new knowledge to your life?
Save this blog in your favorites & come back soon to find out how the powerful words from my awesome Holy Father set me free!

For the next blog post in this series, Click Here.


  1. It seems easy for them to walk away leaving a dusty trail, one day she is kind and talking next I am receiving text thaat it is over and they never want to talk to me again. I cut the money off and poof gone and now I now has a new victim. do they come back into your life searching to hurt you

  2. Bren, you are so right. It is very easy for them to walk away. It becomes painfully clear that to them we are replaceable. Please know that you are no alone. GOD is with you in the wilderness. Seek His Divine Direction as He wants to lead you into the Promise Land free from abuse.

    1. I come back often to read this blog and I want to thank you for your insight which has renewed my faith in humankind. I was raised to believe in the good of people. My problem is I have trouble remembering that though there is good some people just have that evil in them and you can't really see it. I love this web site and you have answered my prayers.

  3. Thank you so much. Be assured that everyday I thank God for what I have and how blessed He has made my life. I know I will figure out this lesson but so many people anymore just plain bad. No morals or values for others. Did they not receive the messages I got when I handed my life over the Divine. I still weep but slowly being stronger knowing I am in such a better place than her. I have these thoughts that are papers that show a violation in her probation but my guilt says let it go. She'll probably end up there anyway. Will I hear from her and what will I do if she calls?

  4. Your words are so right on and like Bren I needed to hear the truth about these these type of people as I figured there had to be some good in them somewhere. This person is the mother of my 2 beautiful grandchildren and soon to be my ex-daughter-in-law. For 9 years I have tried everything I know to help her and bring her to the Lord. She has left her family for another man who "understands" her. I have fallen in the "good christian trap" and by the grace of God need to climb out. I thank you for your clear concise words and for sharing the wisdom the Lord has blessed you with.

  5. Thank you for sharing. This article has helped me a lot.

    My mother is a narcissist and has treated me horribly. She allowed her husband to rape me as a child, she tied me up and beat me. As an adult I have bought her a house while I live in a seedy room just to give her extra money. But it is still not enough.
    I feel she is killing me slowly.
    I want to walk away but I feel like a bad person who is doing something evil by not speaking to my mother. I am her only daughter and I feel she needs me.
    But how do you look after someone who wants to destroy you?

    1. MH it breaks my heart to hear how evil your biomom was/is to you. Just because someone gives you birth does not make her a Mother. You are not the only person who tried to change a Momster by loving her. It will not work, because she actually enjoys harming you, thus she has no motivation to change.

      You are trapped in her KoN (Kingdom of Narcissism). You are covered in FOG which stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt -- this is how evil people keep us trapped. You must see them for the evil beings they are and not the person who we want them to be.

      You are GOD's Beloved Daughter first and foremost and GOD does not want you to be abused and harmed. Read Jeremiah 29:11

      It is not your responsibility to take care of an evil person, and by doing so you are in fact going against what GOD says to do, Luke 17:3. Christ said that He wants us to have an Abundant Life, and that will not happen as long as you are in a relationship with a Toxic Harmful Person.

      I hope you will keep reading this blog as it lists Holy Scripture and Freedom from Abuse.

      The natural consequence for evil people is that they die alone. That is their own doing, and the way that it is suppose to be according to what GOD says about unrepentant people.

      You ask a VERY important question -- how do you look after someone who wants to destroy you? I pray you find the answers you are looking for. Blessing to you sweet lady.

  6. Thank you for what you have shared here on this post about narcissist. I am the family scape goat and have the "no contact" rules with main qualifiers; my mother and sister. Unfortunately, I needed to break the no contact rule as my father is in the early stages of congestive heart failure. I regret even being near my narcissistic abusers and ended up being severely traumatized again. It is a little less than 3 months and I am still not fully recovered. When my father passes, I probably will attend at a private ceremony of my own the day after his funeral. I don't yet and will cross that bridge when the time comes.