Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Christ Brings Division-WOW!

These are the powerful words from my Holy Parent that set me free from a toxic relationship and a Life Time of abuse:
Matthew 10:34-39;
Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth? I did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.
 Quick note: if you don’t see your particular relationship represented don’t worry. The same concepts apply to sons & mothers, daughters & fathers, spouses, siblings, family members, friends, etc.
If you are wondering how does this pertain to Toxic & Abusive Parents, or Spouses

The heading in my NKJ Bible states Christ Brings Division. When is the last time you heard a preacher teach about this aspect of Christ in church? They should. A lot of healing needs to take place in the Family of God, so that we can be strong, healthy, and Joy-filled to complete God’s calling on our life. I believe that so many people have infected wounds from toxic relationships that weight them down, stealing their time, and keeping them from walking in their Destiny and fulfilling their Purpose in Life.

God comes to bring separation with a sword, not a gentle time-out, but a sword. I have tried the gentle time-out method (well maybe not so gentle in some situations). I use to believe that, If she (the toxic person) just thinks about it long enough, then she will be remorseful and change. She will miss me being in her life (only because she misses a moving target, and not because she desires to have a loving relationship with me). The time-out method didn’t work. How come? Because Toxic, Narcissist, Evil People do not have a conscience, that’s why they say and do hurtful things, over, and over, and over, again. There is no conscience, convicting or motivating them to change. There is much debate about whether or not Toxic People have a conscience, and just turn it off or ignore it, or if they were ever created w/one in the first place. If you are wondering if the Toxic Person has a conscience and is conscious of his/her conscience, in other words, Are they aware they are hurting others? Do they have control over their harmful behavior, and Is it really their intent to use and abuse others? Then Click Here.

If someone tries to be “Jiminy the Cricket” to the toxic, narcissist person what happens? Nothing. Jiminy the Cricket is a character from the Disney Movie Pinocchio. Jiminy the Cricket is the small insect friend of Pinocchio, and Pinocchio is a little wooden puppet who had no conscience. This little Puppet had no idea of telling right from wrong, so his friend Jiminy would teach & counsel him and make him conscious of his conscience. Oh the Toxic Person/Narcissist may express to you how s/he understands what they have done or said to hurt you (and maybe s/he does understand, but s/he does not truly care, due to lack of empathy for others); the Narcissist still refuses to change as evidence by the continued hurtful behavior. They are Puppet Masters at convincing us and telling us what we want to hear in order for us to forgive them, continue the toxic relationship, and stayed trapped in their KoN (Kingdom of Narcissism). I believe that everyone is created with a conscience; just some turn it off so that they don’t have to change. In the twisted mind of the  toxic, narcissistic, person, s/he is always right and every body else is always wrong. How does the song go in the movie, oh yes, “let your conscience be your guide.” We were not created to be someone else's conscience, and even if you said you were okay with being the Toxic Person/Narcissist conscience it will not change his/her behavior, because they are not motivated to change because they lack empathy & remorse and enjoy hurting others. It is not that they can not tell right from wrong, it is because doing wrong to others makes them feel good. They only thing they regret is that we hold them accountable, but they get out of that by making false promises of changing or making excuses for the abuses.

Toxic People lie about anything and everything in order for others not to hold them accountable and they can avoid responsiblity, because they claim "I didn't know" "I wasn't aware" or "I couldn't control or help myself" "It just happened", and their favorite Selective Amnesia, "I forgot, can't remember, not sure, didn't happen that way", or the denial of "I did not do that" when you know for certain that s/he did. This is called Gaslighting which makes you doubt your own Reality and Sanity. For more on the Gaslighting Effect, Click Here.

For I have come to set a daughter against her mother – WOW! Daughters of Narcissistic mothers, have you noticed it says daughter against mother and NOT mother against daughter? Mothers should not be against daughters. A parent should not be against their child -- unless in the case where the child is a narcissist/unrepentant person. This also applies to the Enabling Parent/Secondary Abuser/Covert Narcissist as well, who sides (makes excuses for the abuses) with the Overt /Obvious Narcissistic Parent/Primary Abuser, and emotionally abandons his/her own Child. Do not let the Enabler off the hook because s/he appears weak, helpless, or "just another victim". S/he makes a Conscious Choice to side with the Primary Abuser. Why do they do that? Simple, the Primary Abuser is much more important to him/her than you – ouch-but true! For more on how Enablers are Secondary Abusers, Click Here.

We only need to read God’s words to find out why He came to bring Division. Surely because He loves us and wants us to have an Abundant Life full of Peace, Hope, Love and Joy. The other part of it is that we are no good to Him if we are bound to Evil, Dysfunctional, Toxic People. These Toxic People drain us of our Life Energy, and steal our time. They distract and deter us from our destiny, from our unique purpose. They are literally a waste of precious time. Instead of dealing with their toxic drama we could be using our time helping others, bringing blessing to others in need instead of dealing with all the pain and misery the toxic person is causing in our life.

On a Practical Note, think of the actual time it took going through the latest Dramatic & Choatic Event with the Toxic Person/Narcissist/Reprobate, then the time it took to try and Enlighten him/her on how s/he hurt you or another loved one, how s/he needs to have empathy & remorse for others, and how they should change a particular behavior as not to re-offend. Now add up all the time you had to rehash the Toxic Event to your Spouse, all of your Friends, Siblings, other Family Members, and your Counselor/Therapist/Life Coach/Spiritual Leader/Advisor. Then ask yourself, was this Toxic Situation really resolved? Did the Toxic Person/Narcissist/Reprobate gain insight? Was s/he remorseful? Has s/he truly changed his/her thought processes & behavior? Has s/he really repented? Or has it been sweeped under the rug waiting to come out, and bit ya or attack ya when you least expect it? Think of all the time not to mention money you spent on Therapy, Counseling or Self-Help Books, CDs, or DVDs. You probably could have had bought a Boat Cruise to Hawaii, bought some great matching Luggage, and Designer Clothes to pack inside. I guess the next time the Toxic Person "trips out" you need to ask yourself, What kind of trip do I want to go on? If you go on a Toxic Trip w/the Narcissist (N) it is Destination Devastation, unless you leave before the Toxic Person throws you overboard, and feeds you to his/her pet sharks called Depression & Despair who enjoy feeding off of your Self-Worth & Self-Esteem.

Think of all the time you have invested into that Toxic Person. Are you Emotionally Bankrupt?And then when you Leave the Toxic Person it isn't over, there is still the Recovery Time to heal the wounds the Toxic Person gave you. The Toxic Person is stealing your Life Time. What a waste of precious time! Just think of what you could have done with all of that time. What talents did our Creator gift you with, and how did He say He wants you to utilize them in your Life? Remember those goals and dreams you once had, but have put off for lack of time. Don’t despair for what the enemy meant for bad, God will use for Good. He will redeem your lost time, money, joy, etc. I know that all the horrible abuse I suffered as a Child and as an Adult will be put to good use, some how, some way. Do not get me wrong. Our God is a Loving God and He did not plan for horrible things to happen to us. Abuse was NEVER in His plan for us. Jeremiah 29:11 The things that the Enemy meant to destroy us God will use for Good. If the Creator of everything and my personal Savior has said to separate, then what am I waiting for? He definately knows what is best for me, and staying with an Evil, Toxic, Narcissistic, Reprobate Person is NOT it. It is time to spread my wings, and fly out of the pit. For whom the Son set Free is Free indeed! I am Free at last - thank God Almighty I am Free at last! Look out world here I come! Isn’t time for you to fly out of your pit too? If I can do it, you can too!

After I researched God’s Word about Separating from my Toxic, Narcissistic Mother I had all these feelings and emotions that I had to put into words. I am not a writer, or at least I never thought myself as one, until some very wise and talented women convinced me I was (well, still getting use to the idea of Writer). The post, Still A Work In Progress is my written Journey out of the Pit .

Why do I say go No Contact instead of very Limited Contact? Limited Contact does not work with Toxic People, and I can not in Good Conscience recommend something that will only lead you to more abuse, pain, and heartache. This is still your choice and you must do what is right for you and your Family of Creation (Spouse & Children), if you have a Family of Creation. Going No Contact is not a decision I made over night, or because of just one situation. It was the result of a Lifetime of Abuse. So if you are not quite ready to make a huge decision that is okay. Read on and maybe something will clear up the doubts you might have.

What about the whole Forgiveness thing, the forgive 7x70, turn the other cheek, and Are toxic, narcissistic people hurting us on purpose? Can they really be that evil? Return soon and find out.

Is there actual Biblical Situations where God told somone that s/he has His Blessing to go No Contact, and that God actually said to go No Contact? Yes! There are actually a few examples. Click Here.
If you desire to make the decision to go No Contact (NC) either Temporarily or Permanently, yet you do not feel others in your life will agree or support your decision and you worry about what they might think, say, or do, then Fear Not! If God says it is okay, then who are they to argue with God. We must decide to give GOD the last word on our Life. If others want to stay with the Toxic Person or feel that God is telling them to stay with the Toxic Person, then that is between them & God, just as you leaving the Toxic Person is between you & God. God may want them to stay and may want you to leave. Each Person has his/her own Purpose, and if they feel it is their Purpose to stay, then they can stay, and when you know it is your Purpose to leave, and not be w/a Toxic Person, then leave. Listen to God. Don't listen to others, including me, you must listen to what God says about your Life. I know God as the Loving & Holy Parent, and I would definitely not tell my Daughter to stay in a relationship w/a Toxic Person, and I know God would not want His Daughter to do that either.

You must pray about No Contact. And if God brings Peace in being Free from Toxic People, then that is Confirmation that you have God's Blessing. No Contact doesn't have to be set in Stone. I have told my Narcissistic Parents (Nparents) that in regards to my relationship which each of them, It is Finished. I know w/God the Impossible is Possible, and I know it is God's desire for them not to be Evil, but the Nparents must make that Change. The No Contact with last as long as their harmful behaviors & desires last. God has taught me what to look for in case real Authentic Change really happens, so that I will not be Fooled by their Lies, and once again be Deceived out of my Despiration to have Parents. What I say is that the NO Contact is as Permanent as their Pathology.

Remember, it is my goal for this blog to not be a preaching place, but a teaching place. Therefore, here is your second homework assignment. Remember to always pray that God would speak to you through His words each time before you read.
Read Matthew 12:33-37
Write down what you hear God saying to you about your life and your situation.
What feelings do you have?
When I read this (sentence/s). . . I felt. . . . write down all your emotions.
Write down any questions you have.
Did you find any answers?
How are you going to apply this new knowledge to your life?
It's okay if you didn't find any answers this time-remember life is a journey.
Save this blog in your favorites & come back every week to find out how the powerful words from my awesome Holy Father set me free!

For the next blog post in this series, Click Here.


  1. Truly an inspiration. Thank you so much.

  2. You are very welcome GMD. I just want to share this good news with everyone who suffers like we do, so that they to can be free.

  3. That's perfect, I really needed that. Glad to have found your blog. I love your insight, love your passion for Christ. It's truly refresshing. "Daughters against Mothers"...I'm so glad to read that. I've heard it before but seeing it that way helps. I am just now beginning to recognize what my narcissistic alcoholic child abusing beast that I call(ed) mom is.Up until 1 1/2 month ago (when I began therapy for other issues) I always said I "hated my mom" and the movie "mommy dearest" was strangly familiar to my own relationship with my beast, but always just thought I was crazy and she was just a grumpy woman. OH NO!! not at all, she is very sick, sick, sick. But anyway, I am also trying to tell myself the "no contact" which is hard. I started doing that "mildly" a year ago. Of course, she would make me feel bad, talk bad about me to my two sister which made them feel that I was in the wrong for not coming by anymore to see her. But therapy and blogs like yours help me see that what I was doing was a natural reaction to starting to protect myself, and my two small boys from her abuse. I am soooo scared of her still (as this is all very fresh). This fear keeps me from doing even the smallest therapy assignments in private, as I fear her "knowing" somehow. Also, the idea of being comfortable with anger from what she did to me and my sisters, especailly when I am facing a flood of nightmare memories and literal nightmares of her, is all too fearing. BUT most of all, does God forgive me for feeling this anger? OF COURSE. He wants me to, so I may rid of her abuse. I fear for my sisters. They do not, and currently will not admit they need help. They don't deny the beast did damage to their lives, but getting help seems troublesome and too complicated. So just forget about it...?? But I cannot. As an adult I have internalized the abuse and have turned it into a mess in my life. Depression and an array of addictions. Who am I? So thank you for reminding the victims of narcissistic mothers that Christ brings Division all for the sake a protecting His children.

  4. Becka, you are so very welcome. I know how you feel because when I read this good news to say that I was pleasantly surprised is a huge understatement. Understanding, knowing, accepting, and applying Gods plan for us is a journey we are all on together. I stumble at the applying part and when I do He is the loving parent that doesn't shame me, but picks me up, carries me when needed, and when I can stand again He encourages me along my way. You know when you tell me about your Sisters and NM it makes me think, did my NM have another daughter that I never knew about? So much of our stories are the same. If I may speak to you like I would speak to my Sisters who do not want to fully accept the truth about our abusive mother, then I would say what helped me to start to see NM for who she really is was for me to stop referring to her as “sick” or even “crazy” but to give her the proper title of evil. The sick and crazy labels indicate “she can’t help herself” which is a lie from hell that keeps us tied to evil doers”. Even the “M” part in NM is too good for them. I don’t know about your NM, but mine was never a loving mom to me and I always felt ill when I called her mom. It never felt right, because it never was true. As you know from what the Bible says there is power in words. See if giving her the deserved title of evil empowers you; it did me. Every time you hear God talking about the evildoers, you will know that He is talking about our abusers who happen to be our “egg & sperm donors” – if the latter applies in your case. May God bless you and your’s.

  5. Wow. I just stumbled across this blog. I am 25 years old, a mother of 2 children (3 & almost 2yrs), and a wife to my best friend for 5 years. I am very very very encouraged by your article.

    Just yesterday, I mailed out letters to my Primary (stepdad) and secondary (always-the-victim mother) abusers and to other family members, all being notified of a cut-off.

    Today many received their letters, and my brother and sister joined in on the abuse. My brother hurled hurtful words at me, and my sister updated her facebook status "i seriously can't believe the selfishness of some people. smh" And then deleted me.

    Last week, I finished up one of my 2 classes, which freed up a lot of time for me to sit and think about my life, my pain, and my future.

    I felt the Holy Spirit guiding me to make the decision I had been considering for 8 years, since the day I moved out of my parent's home. The Lord was telling me to leave it all behind. Leave it all in my past, and work on healing and forgiveness. And to do that, I would need to cease contact with my mother and stepdad.

    It was a very hard decision, and continues to be difficult when I have many family members essentially withdrawing their love and support.

    But the Lord keeps renewing my strength. In my moment of weakness, I stumbled across your blog after googling "what does scripture say about toxic relationships".

    Praise the Lord, and His will be done in my life! I want to serve him and be joy-filled, no longer a slave to my feelings of unworthiness and despair! Freedom is here. Praise God!

    Please keep up what you're doing. And I would love more information on how to assist you in your ministry!

    1. Jessica, thank you for sharing your story. I know what you are going through is very painful, even through you have been dealing with it for 25 years, making the decision to free of the toxic web, and their Kingdom of Narcissism (aka KoN), is hard to do, especially during the holidays, but the Gift of Freedom will bring countless blessings.

      I would like to encourage you to read, Life in the KoN -- even though you are leaving it, it is important to understand the roles each person is playing and explains why instead of being supported you are being attacked.

      The hardest thing for me to realize is that while I thought my siblings were on my side as fellow victims, I discovered that they were enablers, thus supporting the abuser. Why? Because as long as I am around they were not attacked, or attacked less, so by me leaving they now will have more of the toxic mess dumped on them.

      Now that I am not dealing with all the toxic chaos & pain I can focus on purpose. So much of my life was put on hold, because I was dealing with all the problems these toxic people constantly create. Now that I left their KoN, I literally have more time to discover what GOD created me to do in this world, how I can be a blessing to others in need.

      Jessica you can check out our Facebook page or new website to see how we are helping children in need, and I would love for you to be a part of Giving Dreams Wings.

      Blessings to you, GOD has great plans for you. Jeremiah 29:11 and you shall discover them when you have Freedom from Toxic People. Out of dysfunction and into Destiny. A New Year & A New Life filled with Purpose.

  6. Some people feel that because you are blood with someone, that automatically excuses everything that they have done or said to you, but family or not, if someone brings you down spiratually, emotionally, and pyschologically, you have the right to flee away and love them from a distance, sometimes blood has to be let go of!!!!