Friday, September 25, 2009

By their fruits you will know them

A toxic/narcissistic/evil person gets worse not better with time. I wasted the last 20 years of my life trying to get my egg donor to be a Mom. I ignored the fact that she told me and my Sisters, and her friends (which she no longer has) that "I am not going to change for anyone. This is my life and I will do with it what I want. Nobody is going to tell me what to do. People should just accept me for who I am and not be so judgmental". We should not accept an evil person's mind, behavior, or even him/her. By accepting them, they want us to ignore their evil doings. Just shut up and accept their evil ways, no way! Evil people do evil things and that is wrong and we should not just "turn the other cheek" that was never our Lord's intention, which I have just become aware of myself.
I held onto the hope that surely someday my "mom" will see how she is hurting those that she is suppose to love, but it never happened. It was only through learning that she must truly repent first and then I can give her another chance. God's requirement for true repentance from those that hurt us is for our protection. We have a loving Heavenly Father that looks out for our best interest and He does not desire us to be bound to someone who just keeps hurting us and cares nothing about our happiness.

Matthew 7:16-20;
16. "You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles." How many times have you trusted this toxic person only to have them not only stab you in the back, but stab you in the heart? I learned that I needed to stop trying to get love from someone who will hurt me. I had to stop going to a toxic well/person to meet my needs of having a loving relationship. There was a warning sign on this toxic well which I refused to pay attention to for years.

17. "Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bear bad fruit." A toxic/narcissistic person cannot be a good or even a "good enough" Mom/parent/spouse/friend/etc. – it is impossible.

18. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit." When you have a toxic parent/spouse/friend it is hard to know what a good & loving Mom/parent/spouse/friend looks like or acts like. This is why fellowshipping is so very crucial. As God brings good, not perfect, Christian people into your life you will take notice of how healthy loving people interact with one another. How they uplift and encourage not bring down, separate, or divide. How they comfort and shelter not betray and abandon. How they protect and defend not use and abuse. How they energize and not drain and deplete. How they love and not hurt and cause pain.

Here is a helpful creative thing to do. Draw two trees one that only bears good fruit and one that only bears bad fruit. With the good tree for each good thing your toxic person does draw a fruit and label it (i.e., encouraged me to go to college) etc. For the bad tree draw bad fruit and label it (i.e., said I could not make it as a doctor, not smart enough, etc.,) Just focus on the last month, or last year. The shorter the time frame the easier it is to keep track of good vs. bad. Go ahead, take a break get something to drink and snack and draw your trees. Have fun with it – use a nice color green for your good tree and your least favorite color (grey is mine) for your bad toxic tree. Go ahead do it! Don’t miss out on this blessing it is a great project. Don’t read ahead until you have completed your project. Did you complete your trees? Think of all the positive things/statements/comments/compliments that this person said about you, and the negative ones put-downs/lies/manipulations/betrayals. Sometimes it’s easier to just focus on the verbal stuff rather than what people did or didn’t do to us. Once all the verbal stuff is done, then you can think of behavioral things/the actions the toxic person did. Did they bring you up with words or down? Did they do things to support & help you or discourage & harm you.

Which tree grew faster? Which tree has more fruit? Your enemies are supposed to be out in the world, not in your family tree or close friends. Even the absent of positive words is a bad thing. Don’t rationalize the absence of good/encouraging words by saying well, my parent/friend etc. doesn’t call me bad names, say mean things or do bad/evil things – they just don’t ever say anything positive, encouraging, uplifting, loving, etc. They just take from me and give nothing in return. I’m there for them but they are not there for me. It’s just a one-sided relationship.
Remember Jesus cursed the tree that was empty and did not bare any fruit. This wasn’t a tree that bared bad fruit – it was a tree that had no fruit!

19. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Pray for your toxic person's salvation! While some people believe that toxic/narcissistic people are destined for hell – I still have hope. With God ALL things are possible, so I pray for a road to Damascus intervention for my biological mom and all the other toxic evil people in the world.

20. "Therefore by their fruits you will know them." Until they change they are evil people and evil is as evil does. So let the guilt go. You are not your child's, parent’s, spouse's, sibling's, family member, or friend's Savior – Christ is our Savior and their Savior too. What if you are standing in the way of her/his salvation? If you are no longer involved with "helping" the toxic person, then you will no longer be in God's way. He will have a clear path to that toxic person. The Holy Spirit told me years ago that the only hope that my mom had to change was if there was no one left in her life to focus on, so that she could hear and pay attention to the Holy Spirit convicting her of her wicked mind and abusive behavior. Let go and let God be glorified. If God can’t do it no one can and you are not God. No one has paid a larger price than God for the salvation of the toxic person. No one has shed more tears for our lost loved ones than God.

Remember, it is my goal for this blog to not be a preaching place, but a teaching place.
Therefore, here is your fifth homework assignment.

Remember to always ask God to speak to you through His words each time before you read the passage.

Read Exodus 20:12

Write down what you here God saying to you about your life and yoursituation.
What feelings do you have?
When I read this sentence/s I felt . . . . . Write down all your emotions.
Write down any questions you have.
Did you find any answers after reading?
How are you going to apply this new knowledge to your life?
It's okay if you didn't find any answers this time, really it is. Remember life is a journey we all travel at our owns speed.

Save this blog in your favorites & come back every week to find out how the powerful words from our Holy Father keeps me strong and sets me free!

For the next blog post in this series, Click Here.

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