Thursday, August 11, 2011

Once Upon a KoN. . .

When someone disrespects, offends, betrays, hurts, harms, or abuses us, 
Do we Request or Require them to STOP and subsequently CHANGE their hurtful behavior?

Words are very powerful. Request implies we are asking permission to receive something.

I have been working on explaining to my 4.5 yr. old the difference between Can I have something? and May I have something? Can refers to one's ability, and are you physically able to do something where as  May is asking for permission along with the word Will, as in Will you (a request for doing or stop doing something). By using the word Will we are asking the persoN who hurt us, do you have the desire or need to do what I ask or request -- it is still not a requirement for a changed behavior.

So back to confronting Toxic People, are you Requesting or Requiring them to stop their hurtful behavior? 

Can you stop abusing me? -- is a question of great debate. I don't believe that high level Narcissists (Ns) can stop hurting others because they enjoy & have a need to hurt others because when we feel bad about ourselves they feel good about themselves. 

Statements such as You need to stop? -- are still not effective, because you are making a statement which they don't agree with because they see no need to stop hurting others. Same thing with statements such as Will you stop . . . -- are they truly willing to stop? Our willingness has to do with our deep desire or need rather than a simple want. Ns say they want to change, but they don't really have a deep desire, drive, or need to change, thus there is no motivation for them to change. People are Replaceable to Ns. They lack empathy, so knowing that their actions hurt us makes no difference. Empathy is the driving force for a need to change and since Ns lack Empathy they lack the necessary component to change. They need to hurt others to feel good. If they were really willing, able, or capable of stoping they would, but they don't because the will or actual need to change is not there no matter how many empty lies they offer. 

Toxic Relationships are nicknamed the KoN for a reason. It is the Kingdom of Narcissism where the Toxic PersoN rules at the center making everything and everyone revolve around him/her. They see themselves in an elevated Superior status like a King.

In Ancient Times,  if a person went to talk to the King w/out  first getting his permission, then s/he could be killed. It still happens today in other countries around the world where the society is ruled by a Dictatorship. 

With Toxic People, aka Narcissists (Ns), they do not see People that they should Value and Respect, but mere Objects that they own & poses, to be Controlled, Manipulated, Used and Abused. With Normal People, or perhaps I should change that to Empathetic People, a simple Request goes along way, because Normal People Value & Respect others, but Ns do not. Normal People view others as Equals, but Ns do not. Ns want to maintain their perceived Superiority at all costs. In Toxic Relationships where the N controls everything, there is No Equality. In the mind of a N we are not on his/her Self-Elevated level, so to make a Request for Change is like having a Peasant request something from a KiNg or QueeN. The N is God in his/her mind and in his/her KoN (Kingdom of Narcissism), so it is natural for him/her to turn down a Request for Change. It maintains their sense of Superior Power to do so, and the Victim/Object feels obligated to explain why s/he is Requesting Change from the KiNg or QueeN.

The N demands that his/her Object/Victim/Subject/Peasant states his/her case. In other words it is up to the Victim/Peasant to not only Prove, but to Convince the Abuser/Ruler there is a Need to Change. No matter how strong the case is for the KiNg or QueeN to change, no matter how Great the Insurmountable Evidence is, or how well it is presented, the KiNg or QueeN is Not compelled to change, because s/he does not feel obligated to change, because his/her Object/Victim/Subject/Peasant is Lesser-Than, and thus not worthy of Requesting Change from the KiNg or QueeN. To Request Change from the MeaN KiNg or QueeN only results in a D&D from their KoN, or at least alienation from the cruel KiNg or QueeN, and all their Loyal Subjects in the KoN.

Now in the same KoN with the same MeaN KiNg or QueeN instead of Requesting Change we Require Change. Again the MeaN KiNg or QueeN's reaction will be the same as before, Who are you a mere Object/Victim/Subject/Peasent to Require anything from the KiNg or QueeN? It is not how the KiNg or QueeN perceives or views us, but rather how we preceive & view ourselves that makes the difference in how this all turns out.

Do we see ourselves as a Peasant ruled by an almighty powerful KiNg or QueeN, or a Lady or Lord who has more Social Status & Value than a Peasant, yet still inferior to the KiNg or QueeN and must adhere to their Ruling & Dictatorship. As powerful as the Lady and Lord are compared to the Peasents, they still must first seek the MeaN KiNg or QueeN's approval and permission to do Anything in the KoN. Only another equally powerful King or Queen can Request Change from the MeaN KiNg or QueeN, but the KoN belongs to the MeaN KiNg or QueeN, so a simple Request will not work.

A Kind King or Queen must Require Change from the MeaN KiNg or QueeN. If the MeaN KiNg or QueeN values the Kind King or Queen the MeaN KiNg or QueeN will Change his/her behavior, but not their True Self. The MeaN KiNg or QueeN's abusive behavior maybe managed, but their core wicked Self or Nature does not change. They change their Personality and fool others with their deceptive behavior, but their True Character always comes out, or is unmasked in time. The MeaN KiNg or QueeN does not change out of Kindness & Respect, but out of Fear of Losing the Power s/he feels when they are with the Kind King or Queen. The MeaN KiNg or QueeN does not value individuals only the Association, the combined status to support a Public Image or Reputation that the individuals can provide to the MeaN KiNg or QueeN. As soon as the MeaN KiNg or QueeN finds a replacement for the Kind King or Queen and they become of no use to the MeaN KiNg or QueeN, the Kind King or Queen will be Required or Ordered to Shut Up and Put Up with the MeaN KiNg or QueeN's Abuse & Toxic Rulings. The Kind King or Queen have Two Choices; forget who they are, who they were created to be, give up their Personal Power, and be ruled by the MeaN KiNg or QueeN, or leave the KoN, and establish their own LOL (Land of Love) where Equality, Respect, and Love Reigns.

What is the Moral to this Story?

You can not Request Change from a N, you must Require It. Staying in the KoN does not change the N it changes You. The N who rules the KoN will rob you of your True Identity & your Personal Power, and you will forget who you really are in this World. Never forget who you are and where you come from. You are a Child of the Most High God. You may have come from a MeaN KiNg or QueeN, but you are not of the MeaN KiNg or QueeN. You may have been born in the KoN, raised by a N, but you do not have to be a N. You may have married the MeaN KiNg or QueeN, but you do not have to stay with the MeaN KiNg or QueeN. You are more powerful than the MeaN KiNg or QueeN could ever Dream or Scheme to be. You were created by the King of Kings which means you have Inherited Royality, Authority, and Power. You are not a helpless Peasant, but a Kind and Nobel King or Queen. Know your Intrinsic Value, Reclaim your True Identity. You are no longer held captive by the MeaN KiNg or QueeN, Escape and find your Freedom from the KoN.

As I am beginning to Write a New Chapter in my Life Story I have learned a very important Life Lesson. True Change can not be Requested or Required, but must come from True Desire to not hurt us. As long as they enjoy hurting us rather than loving us, True Change will not occur. When there is True Empathy and Remorse a Request or Requirement doesn't even have to be stated, because Authentic Love elicits Necessary Change, because a Person who Truely Loves us observes how his/her words or behavior has hurt us, and doesn't desire to do that again, thus the same hurtful behavior does not reoccur, because hurting us hurts those who love us, and you don't repeatedly hurt (use & abuse) those you Truly Love.

The End. . .  of the KoN. .  . and the Beginning of a New Life. 
May GOD bless you on your Journey.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Don't Get Played on the Teeter-Totter Relationship

An analogy of being in an unstable, unhealthy relationship with a N is like riding a Teeter-Totter.

Think back to your Childhood, riding a Teeter-Totter takes two, and the Teeter-Totter Experience whether or not it is going to be enjoyable or not depends on who you are riding with. An Enjoyable Teeter-Totter Experience is based on Reciprocated Empathy. It is a fluid, osculating process from Independence, Interdependence, and Intradependence. It is a fine interaction of keeping your partners needs in balance with your own. And since no two people are exactly alike achieving, and especially maintaining Psychological Equilibrium is a whole lot easier said then done.

A Relationship with a N is much like a Teeter-Totter, when you see others in a continued momentum of highs and lows, there is a lot of excitement, drama, and activity, and they are appearing to have fun, so you are tempted to get on the Teeter-Totter. At first it is intoxicating, but eventually if you stay on too long, you can lose your equilibrium, get off balance, get sick, and even take a fall. The Teeter-Totter Relationship is very deceptive. What once feels intoxicating just turns out to be plain toxic. Just like Desperately Dancing with the Disordered.

I have heard People say that constant, stable, reliable, and predictable relationships are boring. Much like getting on a Tetter-Totter and creating Perfect Equilibrium between the two partners. Neither Person is up or down, but can look at each other eye to eye.

I can assure you that in Healthy, Loving Relationships, you don't always see eye to eye. There are differences. The difference between Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships is that in Heathy Loving Relationships when disagreements occur it doesn't become a battle to get our way at the expense of someone we love. We keep in mind that the other Person is our Partner and not our Advisory or Nemesis. Disagreement doesn't turn us into Instant Enemies. We see each others as Equals who respectfully express his/her own opinions, ideas, and choices. It is keeping in mind that we are on the same Team and have the same Goal which is to have a Loving Relationship, and to show the other Person they are Loved. When both People have the exact same Goal to Love One Another, and operate out of what is best for us rather than what is best for me, then a Stable Loving Relationship can be achieved and maintained. It is when One Person's Ego or Pathology gets in the way and they start thinking what can I get out of this Relationship instead of what can I contribute and give to the other Person.

Toxic Relationships consists of Emotionally Bankrupted People who believe, think, and feel that the other Person owes them, and they are constantly out to collect. Like a Cruel Debt Collector, the Emotionally Bankrupt Person who lacks Empathy will do what ever to get what s/he feels is owed to him/her. They are constantly looking for how they can have the advantage, and take the advantage. In Toxic Relationships things are not given away freely, they are taken and stolen through deception, manipulation, and force. Toxic Relationships are filled with users and abusers. When we find ourselves in Toxic Relationships we have 3 choices; (1) Leave the Relationship, go No Contact (NC) (2) Remain in the Relationship and Remain the Victim (3) Become like them (overt & covert Ns), if you can't beat them join them, and find another victim to use and abuse. Toxic Relationships are about Victimization, you are either a Victim, or an Abuser (either the Primary Abuser, the obvious Overt N, or the Secondary Abuser which is the Covert N who does nothing to stop the Primary Abuser, so if someone does nothing to stop the abuse, then s/he is supporting it by his/her lack of action.).

Ns (Overt Ns) and Enablers (Covert Ns) actually enjoy the Teeter-Totter Relationship of I'm on Top, Oh No You're Not, I'm on Top, -- Oh No You're Not, I'm on Top -- Oh No You're Not, I'm on Top, etc. The only type of People who can sustain this for a prolonged period of time are Damaged and Disordered People. As a former Damaged Person, due to two Psycho Parents, once I knew there was another way to live, and I didn't have to live like this any more, I got Help to Heal, so that I could Repair, instead of Repeat, and then I Replaced the Teeter-Totter Relationships with Healthy Relationships based on Equality & Reciprocation of Authentic Love. To watch others in a Teeter-Totter Relationship makes me sick, and I don't want any part of it. It is not tempting at all to me. It is not even Familiar, because Healthy Authentic Love is my New Normal. I can not stand to be around Ns. I don't want to be in the Poisonous Playground, aka the KoN (Kingdom of Narcissism), and I don't want to be on their Toxic Teeter-Totter. I know the Red Flags, and I leave in the opposite direction as soon as I detect & identify a N near by.

Have you ever watched and closely observed Children on a Teeter-Totter? I think this would be a great way to test potential, or even a level of Narcissism in a Child. Scientist say that a Child's Personality is formed very early, before a Person reaches Adulthood (around 18 or 21). What I have observed is that one's Nature is what we are all born with, it is constant in quality, and only gets stronger in Time. Those with a Good Nature get Better, and those with a Bad Nature get Worse.

I use to be an opponent of the Bad Seed Theory, that there was Goodness in Everyone, we just had to dig deep enough, love the other Person long enough and strong enough, and the Goodness locked up inside of them will just be released, grow and bloom. I want People to notice the Good in me, and I looked for the Good in Others. When I messed up it wasn't because I was a Bad Person, just made a Bad Choice, or a Bad Mistake. If there is Good in me even though I mess up, then there has gotta be Good in Others too.  This is usually the case, because the majority of People are Good Natured People. This is a combination of Transference & Projection. Most Psychological Theories are based on Assumptions & Projection, no one wants to believe that someone is actually born Bad, lacking Empathy & Remorse and Enjoys Hurting Others.

I did not want to believe that People are Born Mean, lacking Empathy & Remorse. I wanted to believe that ALL People are basically Good, that all we had to do is teach and counsel others to be Good (Kind, Thoughtful, Empathetic, Compassionate, etc), to show them how to Love by Loving them in spite of them hurting us. Eventually the Good in them will take over the Unhealthy, the Damaged, the Pathological, the Disorder, and they would eventually be Safe, Healthy Loving People.  Maybe they would just be limited. and not as Loving as others, but at least a little bit of the Qualities it takes to have a  limited Relationship, referred to as a Hallmark Relationship.

After over 20 years, I have discovered that the Evidence does not support the Theory that in Every Person there is Good. There are Toxic People who being Mean, Hurtful, Harmful, and Bad towards others makes them feel Good. Therefore they don't change no matter how much Unconditional Love we give them. In fact giving Toxic People Unconditional Love and Cheap Forgiveness makes them worse not better, because in their minds we have just shown them what they can get away with, so they keep pushing it, and NC is the only way to get them to stop hurting others, because Ns lack a conscience, think they are superior to others, and see no need to change. In their twisted mind, it is not their abuse towards us that is the problem, but rather we won't accept the abuse towards us, and hold them accountable & responsible. They will not change for the better only the worse. The only way to change a Toxic Relationship is to get out of the Toxic Relationship. NC = No Target

There is a Theory that the N's Pathology is due to Pathological Parenting, some sort of abuse in Childhood. This may explain their Pathology, the Ns Psychological Problem, but it does not explain their Spiritual Problem. It does not explain their Evil Nature. If it was only a matter of Bad, Unhealthy Parenting, then the N, like the Children of Nparents, who the Nparent abused & damaged can be Re-Parented, and their Psychological Wounds can Heal & be Repaired . Therapy, Counseling, and Re-Parenting does not work on the N not because of their psychological problems, but because of the Spiritual Problem which is their Evil Nature. Those who have been Damaged by Nparents can Heal and Repair, so we don't Repeat, and we can Replace what was unhealthy, toxic, evil and wrong with healthy, loving, good, and right ways of doing things, because our Nature is one of Love not Evil. A N's Nature is Evil, and that is why Ns can't change and wont change. I had a strong desire to change, and to heal the hurt the Nparents caused, and I didn't want to hurt others, but Ns enjoy hurting others, so they wont change. Ns are the Bad Seed. Ns would be Toxic no matter how they were Nurtured because their Nature is Evil.

The only Theory that has stood the test of time is Free Will and Choice. We have the Choice to Repeat or Repair, then Replace. There are Ns who have had Loving Parents, and still turned out to be Ns. There are Many People like myself who had Nparents (I had two), plus a Psycho Predator Uncle, plus a Predator Teacher. IF the Theory is true that Toxic Nurture makes a N, then I should be a N at least at some level, but I have off the chart Empathy for others, because my Nature is Good, and most importantly because I have experienced Amazing Authentic Love from Jesus, and those who Truly have a Personal Relationship with Jesus. It is my choice to be like Christ, and not like the Psycho Parents.

So can Ns with a Bad Nature choose to have Good Behavior? Seems impossible due to their Bad Nature, Right? However when we consider that the N's abuse is Victim Specific, meaning they only abuse certain People, then we discover that their cruelty is conscious and controlled which in my book makes them Evil beings. For more details on Conscious or Unconscious attacks, Click Here. Since the Ns abuse is conscious & controlled and the attacks are Victim Specific, does that mean that the Ns just need to simply choose not to abuse? Is it a really a matter of choice, and therefore all that we need to do is Re-Parent the N to make Good Choices?

The Pathology of the N must be evaluated by case by case bases. Low level Ns can adapt a Managed Behavior technique (i.e., don't attack others), and although their behavior has changed their Nature is constant meaning that they will always have the desire to hurt others, so they usually find very covert & subtle, ambient ways of achieving their need to do harm. A N's behavior is not managed because all of a sudden they have the ability to have Empathy. No, it changes because the threat of NC. They manage their behavior not because they have compassion & concern for others, but because they don't want lose something. Do you see the difference?

Please don't get me wrong. A Toxic & Abusive Environment does have a dramatic effect on a Person, and is very detrimental to one's character develop and hinders a Person from who s/he was created to be without enduring Abuse. I believe there is a combination effect of Nurture & Nature, because Toxic Parents create a Toxic Environment. Each case of a Damaged or Disordered Person is Person Specific meaning that we must investigate the Environment of the Person's Childhood, AND the Genetics in the Family Tree. Only future science will be able to factor out which cause took the Primary role in each specific case. The bottom line is that we all have a choice to be Helpful or Harmful to others.

As much as I do not want to believe in the Bad Seed Theory, and I don't want to believe that a Baby is born Bad, the Evidence proves that Ns are born Ns -- at least the higher level Ns. Nism is a very strong & persistent genetic component or trait. I have observed in every Family there is a N (of one degree or another) somewhere in the Family Tree, regardless of the Nature of the Nurture that was given. Perhaps the N is not directly in the immediate Family (Parents, Children, and Siblings), but the N can be located in the extended Family Members, a Grand Parent, Aunt or Uncle, or Cousin.

In my DH's Family there are 4 kids. To this day we all know who the Golden Child is and although she has and in covert ways still is on the very top of the Toxic Totem Pole of Favoritism she has the least of Empathy out of the four kids. This may support the Nurture Theory, except her sister who was also a Golden Child (a VERY close second to the #1 Golden Child), has such a Beautiful Loving Spirit and full of Empathy for others. In the Theory the #2 Golden Child and the Scapegoat on the very bottom of the Toxic Totem Pole of Favoritism should be jealous & envious Ns, but they are the complete opposite of that. They are highly Empathetic People, always giving of themselves and helping others, not because they feel like they have to earn someone's love, but because they just enjoy helping others.

It is their choice to be a Compassionate Loving People, but I also believe it is part of their Compassionate Spirit, and Nature which has grown through their Personal Relationship with Christ. My Loving Sister-in-Love has always been a kind Person, because it was in her Nature, but these past two years since she has become a Christian, and most importantly has a Personal Close Relationship with Christ she has become even MORE Compassionate. Due to her up bringing my SIL, like the Golden Child, should be a Self-Absorbed Diva or have N-tendencies, but she is just the opposite. She is involved with Community Activities and Outreach Programs, and is a joy to be around.

There is a Theory that All Children are Narcissistic in Nature. While they are use to the World revolving around them since birth, some Children make the transition that the Entire World does not revolve around them, while others still believe and demand that the World revolves around them. Let's look at how Children react to the Tetter-Totter Experience. Some Children enjoy the smooth transitional movement of the Teeter-Totter as they go peacefully up and down on the Teeter-Totter experiencing the different physical change, movement, and perspective, and taking in their surroundings. Then there are some Children that turn the Teeter-Totter Experience into a Fierce Competition. They have their eyes fixated on the other Person, and can't wait to be on top in order to see their Friend on the bottom. The flip side of this, especially in regards to Younger ChildreN who do not like to be vulnerable & out of control enjoy staying grounded on the bottom, and trapping their Friends suspended at the top, unable to get their feet back on the ground.

Highly Compassionate, Empathetic and Loving kids (those above Average, Normal kids) would (1) Never trap a Friend because they know the fear it would cause in their Friend and they care for their Friend, so they would never trap their Friend. And (2) Normal kids, the Average kid, would think I wouldn't want that done to me, so I wont do it to my Friend. Normal kids will see their Friend getting worried, and let them down. A Direct Correlation can be observed from the amount, or how many times a Friend has to plea or ask to be released from their Suspended Trap. How many times does the other Child have to ask? Does the other Child have to break down in tears?

Then the Parents notice the terrified Child, and the Parent of the trapped Child comes to the rescue.

While you are in the actual process of rescuing your Child take a quick glance at the other Child. Did you see the wicked smirk or smile? Watch it turn to worry when the Child notices that you and his/her Parent have noticed that other Child, your Child, is terrified & upset. It is our Projected Empathy as well as a little Denial that makes us misinterpret the Offending Child's worry. The Offending Child is not worried for the terrorized Child, because if the Offender truly had Empathy and Concern s/he would not be terrorizing the other Child in the first place. No the Offending Child is worried for him/herself, worried what kind of trouble s/he will be in for being mean & hurtful to the other Child.

Watch what the Offending Child does next. Does s/he begin to cry? Again look out for your own Projected Empathy! The Offending Child is not crying out of concern or compassion for the other Child that s/he terrorized, but rather for him/herself because they are worried about getting in trouble. They Offender is not Sorry for what s/he has done, only Sorry for getting caught hurting someone else. Keep watching! The Offending Child will have no Authentic Remorse, Concern, or Compassion for the terrorized Child, and will only be crying in order to avoid accountability.

Watch how it plays out. The Offender takes the focus off of the Victim who s/he terrorized by out-crying the Victim. The attention is off the Victim, and is now on the Offender due to his/her Deceptive Act. The Offending Child's Parent is impressed by how bad her Child feels, and the other deceived Parent of the Victim is also impressed by all the Counterfeit Remorse, and tells her Child who was victimized by the Offending Child, look how bad s/he feels, and instead of People comforting the Victim they are now comforting the Offender.

Watch carefully does the Offending Child ever go to the Child s/he has victimized to comfort her/him? Nope. Why Not? Again watch out for your own Projected Empathy. It is not because the other Child feels Bad, Guilty, Embarrassed, or Ashamed, it is because the Offending Child lacks Empathy and Remorse, and has no desire to Comfort someone s/he has hurt.

Watch the Parent of the Offender try to encourage her Offending Child to have compassion and comfort the hurt Child. Is there resistance? Does the Offender instead turn on the tears to avoid having to do something s/he does not want to do? The Offender does not want to have Compassion for the Person s/he just terrorized, and wants all the attention him/herself, and is a young little N soaking up NS.
In other words, everyone else just got Played!