When someone disrespects, offends, betrays, hurts, harms, or abuses us,
Do we Request or Require them to STOP and subsequently CHANGE their hurtful behavior?
Words are very powerful. Request implies we are asking permission to receive something.
I have been working on explaining to my 4.5 yr. old the difference between Can I have something? and May I have something? Can refers to one's ability, and are you physically able to do something where as May is asking for permission along with the word Will, as in Will you (a request for doing or stop doing something). By using the word Will we are asking the persoN who hurt us, do you have the desire or need to do what I ask or request -- it is still not a requirement for a changed behavior.
So back to confronting Toxic People, are you Requesting or Requiring them to stop their hurtful behavior?
Can you stop abusing me? -- is a question of great debate. I don't believe that high level Narcissists (Ns) can stop hurting others because they enjoy & have a need to hurt others because when we feel bad about ourselves they feel good about themselves.
Statements such as You need to stop? -- are still not effective, because you are making a statement which they don't agree with because they see no need to stop hurting others. Same thing with statements such as Will you stop . . . -- are they truly willing to stop? Our willingness has to do with our deep desire or need rather than a simple want. Ns say they want to change, but they don't really have a deep desire, drive, or need to change, thus there is no motivation for them to change. People are Replaceable to Ns. They lack empathy, so knowing that their actions hurt us makes no difference. Empathy is the driving force for a need to change and since Ns lack Empathy they lack the necessary component to change. They need to hurt others to feel good. If they were really willing, able, or capable of stoping they would, but they don't because the will or actual need to change is not there no matter how many empty lies they offer.
Toxic Relationships are nicknamed the KoN for a reason. It is the Kingdom of Narcissism where the Toxic PersoN rules at the center making everything and everyone revolve around him/her. They see themselves in an elevated Superior status like a King.
In Ancient Times, if a person went to talk to the King w/out first getting his permission, then s/he could be killed. It still happens today in other countries around the world where the society is ruled by a Dictatorship.
With Toxic People, aka Narcissists (Ns), they do not see People that they should Value and Respect, but mere Objects that they own & poses, to be Controlled, Manipulated, Used and Abused. With Normal People, or perhaps I should change that to Empathetic People, a simple Request goes along way, because Normal People Value & Respect others, but Ns do not. Normal People view others as Equals, but Ns do not. Ns want to maintain their perceived Superiority at all costs. In Toxic Relationships where the N controls everything, there is No Equality. In the mind of a N we are not on his/her Self-Elevated level, so to make a Request for Change is like having a Peasant request something from a KiNg or QueeN. The N is God in his/her mind and in his/her KoN (Kingdom of Narcissism), so it is natural for him/her to turn down a Request for Change. It maintains their sense of Superior Power to do so, and the Victim/Object feels obligated to explain why s/he is Requesting Change from the KiNg or QueeN.
The N demands that his/her Object/Victim/Subject/Peasant states his/her case. In other words it is up to the Victim/Peasant to not only Prove, but to Convince the Abuser/Ruler there is a Need to Change. No matter how strong the case is for the KiNg or QueeN to change, no matter how Great the Insurmountable Evidence is, or how well it is presented, the KiNg or QueeN is Not compelled to change, because s/he does not feel obligated to change, because his/her Object/Victim/Subject/Peasant is Lesser-Than, and thus not worthy of Requesting Change from the KiNg or QueeN. To Request Change from the MeaN KiNg or QueeN only results in a D&D from their KoN, or at least alienation from the cruel KiNg or QueeN, and all their Loyal Subjects in the KoN.
Now in the same KoN with the same MeaN KiNg or QueeN instead of Requesting Change we Require Change. Again the MeaN KiNg or QueeN's reaction will be the same as before, Who are you a mere Object/Victim/Subject/Peasent to Require anything from the KiNg or QueeN? It is not how the KiNg or QueeN perceives or views us, but rather how we preceive & view ourselves that makes the difference in how this all turns out.
Do we see ourselves as a Peasant ruled by an almighty powerful KiNg or QueeN, or a Lady or Lord who has more Social Status & Value than a Peasant, yet still inferior to the KiNg or QueeN and must adhere to their Ruling & Dictatorship. As powerful as the Lady and Lord are compared to the Peasents, they still must first seek the MeaN KiNg or QueeN's approval and permission to do Anything in the KoN. Only another equally powerful King or Queen can Request Change from the MeaN KiNg or QueeN, but the KoN belongs to the MeaN KiNg or QueeN, so a simple Request will not work.
A Kind King or Queen must Require Change from the MeaN KiNg or QueeN. If the MeaN KiNg or QueeN values the Kind King or Queen the MeaN KiNg or QueeN will Change his/her behavior, but not their True Self. The MeaN KiNg or QueeN's abusive behavior maybe managed, but their core wicked Self or Nature does not change. They change their Personality and fool others with their deceptive behavior, but their True Character always comes out, or is unmasked in time. The MeaN KiNg or QueeN does not change out of Kindness & Respect, but out of Fear of Losing the Power s/he feels when they are with the Kind King or Queen. The MeaN KiNg or QueeN does not value individuals only the Association, the combined status to support a Public Image or Reputation that the individuals can provide to the MeaN KiNg or QueeN. As soon as the MeaN KiNg or QueeN finds a replacement for the Kind King or Queen and they become of no use to the MeaN KiNg or QueeN, the Kind King or Queen will be Required or Ordered to Shut Up and Put Up with the MeaN KiNg or QueeN's Abuse & Toxic Rulings. The Kind King or Queen have Two Choices; forget who they are, who they were created to be, give up their Personal Power, and be ruled by the MeaN KiNg or QueeN, or leave the KoN, and establish their own LOL (Land of Love) where Equality, Respect, and Love Reigns.
What is the Moral to this Story?
You can not Request Change from a N, you must Require It. Staying in the KoN does not change the N it changes You. The N who rules the KoN will rob you of your True Identity & your Personal Power, and you will forget who you really are in this World. Never forget who you are and where you come from. You are a Child of the Most High God. You may have come from a MeaN KiNg or QueeN, but you are not of the MeaN KiNg or QueeN. You may have been born in the KoN, raised by a N, but you do not have to be a N. You may have married the MeaN KiNg or QueeN, but you do not have to stay with the MeaN KiNg or QueeN. You are more powerful than the MeaN KiNg or QueeN could ever Dream or Scheme to be. You were created by the King of Kings which means you have Inherited Royality, Authority, and Power. You are not a helpless Peasant, but a Kind and Nobel King or Queen. Know your Intrinsic Value, Reclaim your True Identity. You are no longer held captive by the MeaN KiNg or QueeN, Escape and find your Freedom from the KoN.
As I am beginning to Write a New Chapter in my Life Story I have learned a very important Life Lesson. True Change can not be Requested or Required, but must come from True Desire to not hurt us. As long as they enjoy hurting us rather than loving us, True Change will not occur. When there is True Empathy and Remorse a Request or Requirement doesn't even have to be stated, because Authentic Love elicits Necessary Change, because a Person who Truely Loves us observes how his/her words or behavior has hurt us, and doesn't desire to do that again, thus the same hurtful behavior does not reoccur, because hurting us hurts those who love us, and you don't repeatedly hurt (use & abuse) those you Truly Love.
The End. . . of the KoN. . . and the Beginning of a New Life.
May GOD bless you on your Journey.