Saturday, July 14, 2012

Do They Harm Us On Purpose?

There are theories that suggest that Toxic Pathological People, Narcissists (Ns)/Sociopaths/Psychopaths attack out of 'unconscious defenses'. That they are unaware of what they are doing when they attack, and they can't control or stop themselves from attacking others.

Where is the Empirical Data proving this Theory?

The evidence does not support the theory of 'unconscious defenses' because Ns target certain individuals. If the their defenses were truly unconscious, the attacks would not be Target/Victim Specific. Since Ns can not control themselves, and are not aware of what they are doing, then they would attack everyone and anyone -- but they don't! For example a Superior such as a Supervisor would elicit feelings of inferiority, jealousy, envy, insecurities, etc., and as stated in a previous article What They Covet They Attack, so as theory goes they should attack their Supervisors, but they don't.

When researchers test out their theory in the real world they are guilty of Confirmation Bias, finding evidence to support their theory, or twisting the interpretation of the evidence to support their theory instead of looking at the evidence that does not support and actually contradicts their theory.

Another reason I do not like the theory of 'unconscious defenses' is that it lacks responsibility & accountability and promotes further victimization, "poor pathologicals" can't help themselves, they are unaware of what they are doing. BS! They know exactly what they are doing, because they only attack certain people. EVERY Narcissist from the low level to the Super-Sized N/P attacks because they enjoy the attack (at least in the moment of attack, there is a payoff otherwise they wouldn't attack, it wouldn't be rewarding), lower levels 

will might verbalize regret & remorse, but very few actually mean it because very few actually stop attacking. They might be able to resist attacking a certain target for a certain duration, but the attacks eventually resume.

Theory states that the narcissist is unconsciously battling with him/herself internally to keep all unwanted and unacceptable aspects of the true self dormant and locked away, and when they attack their victim for mirroring back reality of their true self (their flawed self) they are really unconsciously attacking their self which they again unconsciously project on to us.

Since we can not read a N
arcissist's mind theories are based on assumptions about the Narcissist (N). We assume that this is what is going on in their disordered mind when they select a victim. Again I believe we are guilty of Projection, because if we were the Disordered this is what we would be thinking or not thinking. 

In theory when Ns are attacking us (their projected self) they are really attacking themselves. I once accepted that reasoning and use to agree with that, because it made sense in theory. Seemed logical enough. But I don't think that is the complete picture. I believe they attack us, because they know we are less N-chanted w/their True Self, and because They Detest who we are which is a constant reminder of what they are not. If we go w/the theory of the N projecting his/her True Self onto us and that is who s/he is attacking, then we don't have to take their attacks personal. It's not really me that the N is attacking. The evidence does not support that theory, because the Ns attacks are Victim Specific. Rather the Alternative Theory, Reason or Explanation that the attacks are in fact personal and deliberate because They Detest who we are, not what we represent (the Ns projected self) is accurate & valid.

If their defenses are automatically/unconsciously elicited, then again why are their attacks Victim Specific. Why don't they project their lies onto the Golden Child, Friends, or their Boss and attack them? The Golden Children, Friends and the Bosses don't always mirror back to the N his/her ideal self, yet they are not attacked and we are. We Scapegoats/Targets are told that it is because we are a Broken Mirror and do not reflect back to the N their False Self, so the N attacks -- yet the Golden Child and the Boss do the same thing and they are not attacked. I use to think that the Golden Children only or predominately mirrored back to the N his/her Ideal Self/Masked Self/False Self and therefore saved themselves from being a target, but that is not the case. I have seen Golden Children not mirror back the False Self to the N, and in additionally actually be harsh and publicly shame the N, yet the N does not retaliate.

When we don't understand something, can not fully explain something, or do not want to consider an Alternative Reason (the N is evil with the intent to harm) we say that it is Unconscious. In the field of Psychology theories of behavior come from people who deny the concept of true evil. They prefer terms such as Mentally Ill, even psychopaths, instead of the simplified term of evil. However, I have noticed that in Self Help areas the term evil is more and more accepted and used to accurately describe N. I don't know if it has reached the Ivory Towers yet, but at least people are using a term that was once forbidden.

Here is a Blog Post from Cheshire about the N's Private & Public behavior in regards to how they threat others, Click Here.


  1. Thanks for such a great post. While I don't believe a narcissist always correctly anticipates the future repercussions of his or her bad behavior, I agree that they absolutely do know what they're doing.
    Their victim selection is deliberate; the ones I have known were very selective about who they'd show their true colors to. The ones they keep in the dark about their true nature, or those they manage to maintain control over in spite of it, they will exploit as their enablers. Keep shining the light on this dark aspect of humanity; the more people become aware, the harder it will be for narcissists to maintain their deceptions.

  2. Well, this is timely. A couple of days ago I wrote a letter to my Narcissistic mother, which I was seriously considering mailing. This, after being No Contact since her last high-drama-abusive stunt that she pulled on me in 2006.

    In my letter, I was offering her the "out" of not being able to help herself. But you are right, she must be in control, otherwise why does she target her victims so specifically to just me, and my one severely disabled brother who looks like the ex-husband our NM hates?



  3. Interesting and thought provoking.I agree with much of what you say here. In fact much of it I could have written myself.

    Although, I have at times tried to make this point with a few colleagues but alas it's not acceptable to have an opinion!!! Anyway, good post

  4. Interesting and thought provoking.I agree with much of what you say here. In fact much of it I could have written myself.

    Although, I have at times tried to make this point with a few colleagues but alas it's not acceptable to have an opinion!!! Anyway, good post

  5. Dear Soaring Dove.

    Thank you so much. You are WHAT is NEEDED TODAY in our Christendom..instead of those full-of-fluff-Babylonian-'Christian'-crap...where everything is hide and swept under false pretense that unless /until physical abuse happens, we're to honor our parents, don't be so calculative, forgive and forgive till eternity comes,etc..scratching the surface crap. Reason? Because many a times the ones that are preaching on the pulpits are CULPRIT THEMSELVES !! They dare not address this subject coz that would be exposing themselves. I had a Momster and Demon Brother exactly like that! The more i forgave and 'never mind' the cycle kept repeating itself up to a point i kept forcing myself to be nice again, forgave..until God spoke to me..but to totally cut off was difficult for me then even now...and that is why i got hurt repeatedly...until one day God reminded me what He told totally put to death the toxic relationship. Not easy but NECESSARY!

    Btw, Narcissist are very AWARE they just don't want to admit it coz Momster got her bubble bursts a few times by me, squirmed and lie..but I nail her down and she got exposed and admitted those who agree with her are good those who are not are bad.And when she can't win she belittles you, may not be direct words, but Momster like s to go 'hallelujah' and singing praise songs to drown out the issue instead of facing them and shout and call out to God for justification even AS LONG AS she can't have her way or being disagreed upon. I basically told her to go fly kite.

    1. Blu dolphin -- love your screen name! I think one of the problems church folk have is that they do not want to recognize that are truly evil people in this world. It is hard for them to understand how someone singing in the church choir can then go home and abuse their spouse and/or children. Also the church community often recycles the same select group of Scriptures, and leaves out the ones where GOD shows us how to establish healthy boundaries in order to have healthy relationships, such as in Luke 17:3.

      Thank You for sharing your story. I understand the never ending cycle of forgiving them, and them continuing to do harm. It is because we have put the cart before the horse as they say, the order of forgiveness is mess up. As Luke 17:3 says, they must repent first, they we can forgive as in reconciliation, and a continued relationship. Without repentance on their part history will repeat itself, as we all know who have been there and done that. Well, Luke 17:3 truly set me free from toxic relationships, and it is GOD's will for our life, so anyone who gives you grief about No Contact refer them to Luke 17:3 as well as the other Scriptures that talk about unrepentant sinners/abusers.

      Blessings to you blu dolphin and may your freedom from the Kingdom of Narcissism bring you great Joy & Peace

  6. Hi Blu Dolphin & Soaring Dove -

    Regarding those "churches" which promote the notion of "judge not lest you be judged" - a verse taken entirely out of context to mean that somehow we should not identify evil people and behavior (which is of course contrary to countless other verses throughout the Bible, and is in contradiction to the fabric to the Bible in its entirety as well... there are exactly 457 verses in the Bible that address the concept of evil), I think it is so important to recognize that the Christian Church has been secularized in the West. The 4th Commandment was never meant to mean :Thou shalt be a life-long doormat to thy Father and Mother. It frustrates me that there are many books and blogs addressing narcissism that seem to think that this would be the valid intention of the 4th Commandment, and therefore the Judeo-Christian faith supports narcissism and should be eschewed. In fact, Jesus addressed the need for boundaries in families, and cited OT scripture in the address:

    "Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword.
    For I have come to 'set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law';
    and 'a man's enemies will be those of his [own] household.' [fn]
    He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.
    And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.
    He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it. {Matt 10:34-39}

    ... and this from the Man who laid down His life to die for us, to save us.

    There is good sacrifice and submission, and there is bad sacrifice and submission. I should think that regaining health from surviving the Narcissistic Family Structure is to learn to distinguish between the two.

    Never the less, there are a ton of bad "preachers" out there who are indeed false prophets and narcissists drawn to the pulpit because pulpits come with audiences. (James 3:1 admonishes: "My brethren, let not many of you become teachers, knowing that we shall receive a stricter judgment.")Rest assured that false prophets will be judged. It is our duty to seek out churches that adhere to sound doctrine. Only in churches professing sound doctrine will we receive the spiritual healing that should accompany the emotional and psychological healing process.

    1. Katherine, one of your profound statements that really resonated with me is when you said "the Christian Church has been secularized in the West." One of the many problems of secularism is that it is fueled by what is popular, or what we refer to as PC. Leaders are concerned with people showing up to church rather than growing up in Christ.

      I am also in agreement with what you said, There is good sacrifice and submission, and there is bad sacrifice and submission. Throughout Scriptures GOD teaches us to have discernment (ie, Matthew 12:33 &50), yet the secularist, and even many religious leaders say that discernment is judgement and we should not judge others. However this does not line-up with what GOD teaches us. We are to discern, and make good choices.

      Another very profound thing you said was, "Only in churches professing sound doctrine will we receive the spiritual healing that should accompany the emotional and psychological healing process.". Amen! So many times I followed bad advice that kept me in toxic relationships. One when I read the Word for myself, sought understanding, wisdom, and direction from the Holy Spirit was I able to break free from never-ending abuse cycle of toxic relationships. Luke 17:3 Our offenders must first repent, before there can be reconciliation.

      You have gained gems of wisdom that I know you will bless others who are still trapped in the KoN (Kingdom of Narcissism) by the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) that often comes from wrong & toxic religious counseling that does not line up with what GOD says. Share your experiences with those who GOD tells you, share what GOD has done for you, and how He has set you free from the KoN in order that you will help to set the other captives free.

  7. I think evil is an appropriate characterization. Their attacks are not spur of the moment but planned, premeditated and they enjoy watching others suffer because of what they did to them. They sit back and enjoy the show, knowing full well they caused all this grief, that is evil.