Friday, January 28, 2011

Desperately Dancing with the Disordered

N represents the N in your life, the Nparent, Spouse, Sibling, Friend, etc.

I know this Dance you are doing w/your N, because I have done it my entire Life with the Ns that I have N-countered. Problem is it keeps us reacting to the N's moves instead of ending the dance and stepping out on our own. We think we are making some headway when we move one step forward, yet some how we always wind up 3 steps back. In the beginning dancing with the N is intoxicating, but eventually we realize that it is plain toxic. We keep complaining that the N is a Bad Dancer, yet we continue the dance expecting this time N will not step all over us. If I give him/her just one more chance, this time it wont be painful. This time the N wont drop me, and I wont get hurt. Surely this time s/he will do better -- at least a little bit better. You can learn a New Dance based on Equality & Balance, and when you dance this New Dance w/others (healthy partners) things go pretty smoothly & the dance is very enjoyable, and you can share that info w/N, teach N about the New Dance moves, N may even tell you s/he understands, yet N will not give up the Old Dysfunctional Dance, N will trip you up because you two are not in sync, N is completely Off Balance and you will try your best to compensate and wind up taking the fall over & over & over again. N has no desire to learn a New Dance because in the Kingdom of Narcissism (aka the KoN) the N ALWAYS has the control & takes the lead, and no matter what you do you will Never Be Good Enough for N's dance. You will drive yourself crazy trying to learn N's dance or trying to teach N yours. N dances the dance of the Disordered. And we dance the dance of the Damaged, until we stop dancing w/the the Disordered and take the time to heal from the wounds the N gave us while we were dancing with him/her. You can spend the rest of your life trying to get N to dance Normal or you can accept that N will never be able to dance w/you. You will never fully enjoy a single dance w/N. Even if you manage to squeeze one good dance in N will make you pay for forcing him/her to do something N does not enjoy doing, and N will deeply wound you in the next dance, hence the never-ending anxiety of how do I prepare & protect myself for what will come next? What will N's next dysfunctional moves be & how do I avoid getting hurt once again? It will always be chaotic and painful & leave you wounded and hurt, or you can finally accept N just can not dance.

When you accept that N can not dance, then you can begin to focus your time & energy on grieving the dances you will never have w/N. That is the painful part we avoid, so we keep trying Desperately to Dance w/the Disordered. We think if we end the Dance with the Disordered, someone else will come along and teach the N how to dance & the N will be a great dancer and they will have the dances that belong to us, that were meant for us to share & experience together with N. Only the N is not capable of a Normal Dance. The N only enjoys the Disordered Dance that brings pain to his/her Partner. The N may mimic a few Normal Steps, but s/he will always lead his/her Partner back to the Dance of the Disordered. Any time we expect the N to Accept & Respect our Feelings, Thoughts and/or Decisions, and Value us, we are Desperately Dancing with the Disordered. Partners are instantly replaceable to Ns and that is why they do not grieve losing us, because they always have someone who they devalue into an object to manipulate & control. Ns appear to be having fun with their new partners/objects and they are because they enjoy the chaos & misery that they are creating with their new partner/object. They find pleasure causing pain for their partner. Their partner looks like s/he is happy, but that is only a Deceptive Illusion, their Performance is a Lie, because their dance is void of Authentic Love and they are Desperately Dancing with the Disordered.

When we stop Desperately Dancing with the Disordered, and find Healthy Partners who can reciprocate Authentic Love we discover the Peace & Joy that comes from the Normal Dance with Loving Partners. We discover that we actually enjoy Dancing when we are partnering with a Normal and not a Disordered. We experience Equality & Balance and it is Awesome. We learn how Wonderful Dancing can be and how it was meant to be when Authentic Love is reciprocated to us. We actually have a Passion & Desire to Dance. Once we know what is possible, how to achieve it and how to maintain it when we N-counter a N who asks us to dance we can refuse picking up old patterns that are now obsolete and protect ourself from trying to Desperately Dance with the Disordered. When we watch the N's Disordered Dance moves they will be absolutely ridiculous, disgusting & repulsing to us, because we will remember the extreme discomfort, pain & deep wounds they cause and we will not be tempted to dance with the disordered. Instead we will spend the valuable time we have left dancing with Normal Partners who truly value who we are and love dancing with us. The Dance of Love is Spectacular and we never have to settle for anything less. It is our Destiny to Love and be Loved.

It is Friday Night and I have the Desire to Dance! Find someone who loves you for you and Dance. Dance with your DH, or Child, or Friend, or with yourself, for yourself. When is the last time you just got up and Danced? Put on the Music from your Childhood or your favorite music Today and Dance. Have you lost the Desire to Dance, because of the N? Then Reclaim It and get up and Dance. If you have a N in the house and s/he starts to get jealous and judge, ignore them, turn up the Music louder and Dance Dance Dance! Take your first steps into Self-Care and don't care what the N would say and Dance! Sometimes we Dance, because we want to, tonight I am dancing because I need to. There is healing through Song & Dance.

When is the last time you grabed that hairbrush and sung into it like a microphone?Remember how much fun that was, so care free, without a concern in the world? Go ahead and do it. Bring some joy from the past into the present and Dance & Sing. Go ahead and Shout out your favorite Songs. Get into your own sexy grove. I dare you! You know you want to, and tonight you will not be alone, I am going to grab my hairbrush and Sing & Dance, and rock out to my favorite tunes. I hope you will join me in spirit and do it too. As my friend CZ says, Music is what feelings sound like. And I say, Music makes your Soul Dance. Practice great Self-Care and do not deny yourself the Dance. Enjoy yourself by dancing with and for yourself. Go ahead and Dance and let me know how it went!

Be back later. . . Gone to Dance!

For another Post that compliments this one, Click Here. After Dancing! Go have fun and Dance & Sing! Feed the Soul! A Strong Soul can make Tough Decisions. Take a very needed break, this Post isn't going any where, so get up and Sing & Dance.
I hope you Dance.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Clipped Wings

When we are born into a Serpent's Pit aka The KoN before we have a cognitive memory, our wings get clipped, your own identity is kept from us, so that we never realize who we are or our potential. We struggle to fit into our crazy pathological dark environment void of any light & hope, but we are a Stranger in a Strange Land and because we are different from the Serpent Parent we are constantly attacked and wounded, so our wings remain constantly clipped concealing our True Identity. It is only until we venture to look outside of the Pit do we discover just how different Life can be. There are those who truly love us, and have the ability to recipocate love, yet the Serpent Parent tells us not to trust these Strangers. It is very confusing, how can this new sensation of joy and peace be wrong? The love of these Familiar Strangers draws us nearer, and we must make the choice to venture out of the darkness and into the light. It is a little scary, but we have already survived the worse, so we take the risk, and we discover the healing warmth from the Light of the Sun. We have a new perspective and a new viewpoint and we know that life is better outside of the Serpent's Pit. We discover our True Identity and our Wings begin to grow. Our integrity, loyality, and dedication brings us back to the Pit and again and again we try to share with others how life can be so much better, but they enjoy the darkness, because some of them are Serpents and some of them are Snakes. They attack us for sharing with them what is possible, and we think they can change, but they can not they enjoy the darkness and those that have lived in darkness for an extended amount of time become accustomed to the darkness. They detest us because we are a constant reminder of what they are not, of what we can do and they can not, what we have inside us and they do not. And what we can achieve and they can not. How we can change our entire life and they can not. We try to show them how wonderful it is to have wings, and that these wings give us the ability to soar, but now they just want to destroy us. We fear becoming what they are and it is impossible for them to be what we are, they are unable to become one of us and we are not created to be one of them. In their world they are the predator and we are their prey. Therefore, for survival reason we must leave the Pit, and fly away, so that we may soar. You were born to soar.

Here is the poem or short story I wrote. Still A Work In Progress. . .

What does s/he have that I don't?

Have you ever wondered what is it about the Golden Child or OW (other woman) or OM (other man) that the N selects to wear the Golden Crown? Why is s/heperceived better than me? Is s/he more attractive, athletic, intelligent, skilled, gifted, talented, successful, loving, or lovable?

The Golden Child could be the favored Child in the KoN or it could also be the a Spouse until the OW is revealed, it can even happen among a group of Friends or Co-Workers.

When you observe that obvious unequal & favored attention, Do you wonder. . .

What does
s/he have that I don't?

What does the N see in her/him that I don't have?

Why does the N spend more time w/ her/him?

Why does the N spend more money with or on her/him?

Why does the N love her/him more than me?

Why does the N desire her/him more or over me?

Are there any other questions we ask ourself?
PLEASE add to the list.

Maybe you are considering giving N another chance, because s/he really sounds & looks like s/he has changed, but you are not sure what to do.

Can the N
really change?

Will it really be better
this time?

Am I really the N's
True Love?

Am I really the N's Favorite?

Did the N really choose me over the others?

My Heart says one thing, my Gut another and my Mind is so confused, What do I do?

S/he is a Serial Dater, has a Bad History, and Bad Track Record with me and/or with others before me.

Can I really be
The One the N has been searching for?

Am I really his/her
Soulmate and the N didn't know what s/he had until after s/he left and now despirately regrets what s/he has done, now knows what s/he lost and once had with me and just needs only one more chance to prove to me that s/he really does love me and that we are meant to be together?

Will or Can S/he really change for

Click Here to see what the answers to what ALL these questions just might be, and let me know what you think, How is that possible? Let me share with you how much we have in common.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Today I sing you a Love Song

Today I sing you a Love Song via Clay. The Pain from the Past, Send it up in Flames and Rise up from the Ashes. Today I refuse to give the KoN any of my tears. I did shed some cleansing tears today for the things I wanted to say and never had the chance because the Demon Dad and the rest of the Serpent Klan would just use it to their evil advantage. I cried because there is nothing left at all to salvage from the KoN regarding the Nsisters and most importantly the Children I feel like I am leaving behind, but God is watching over them. I have worked for the past 40+ years (over 20+ if you just count my adult years) to escape & heal from the KoN.
Today I Dance & Sing for healing and for Letting Go.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Crazies get even Crazier

Friends have said that I could write a book about the KoN. I have not been trained to be a writer, but I do have a passion for it. I write, so I guess that makes me a Writer and each person that reads what I write can determine what kind of writer I am -- to them!

If I ever write a book, this might be the first chapter of the book because it is the Last Chapter of the KoN.

Nsis #1 is 2 years younger than me, middle child and the older one between herself and Nsis #2.
Nsis #2 is 8yrs younger than me, and the youngest in the NFOO.

Just when I thought the Crazies couldn't get crazier, they surprise me!
Last night my DH gives me a letter, and says prepare yourself. I said oh great a letter from the Momster, and told him I was not interested, and I thought to myself that I would either throw it in the trash or have the Post Office write on it Return to Sender. But he said, it's not from her, so he handed it to me and I recognized the penmanship
write away. It had been years since I had last had contact with this person, but his penmanship is very distinctive. It is very elegant and esthetically appealing, very attractive and deceptive just like the Demon who wrote it. Evil

Demon Dad wrote me a letter, my DH read it first to shield me, because that is what Musketeers do for the Wives they love, they protect them from harm, even when we think we are strong enough to take on the Monsters by ourselves. He made sure there would be no Triggers or Traps. He said you have got to read this, you will
never believe what happened. So I did and found out that the Momster and the Demon Dad have recently become "very good friends". Demon Dad and the Troll he is married to "include [the Momster] in many of our actives which include going to church". I feel sorry for those poor unfortunate Souls. They have a Demon and now a Momster in their mists w/the powers to N-chant and destroy the lives they N-counter. To bad these soul sucking NVamp don't instantaneously burst into flames the minute they step into church or even a church parking lot. I am praying for spontaneous combustion for all the Ns & Ps that deceive us in human form. Can you invision or imagine what a great pleasent surprise that would be like for the survivors of Ns & Ps?

These two Monsters have spent their
entire lives hating each other, if you were unfortunate enough to N-counter the Momster she would tell you her story of how she was a helpless victim to the Demon Husband and how he deceieved her & hurt her with such great theatrics that people would often ask her or myself, "Exactly when did the divorce happen?" It was over 25 years ago and they were only together for about 1o or 11 years, technically divorced & papers arrived on my 13 birthday. And those that had to listen to her story of vicitmization were completely shocked, said nothing and just shook their head. The Momster thought they felt so badly for her and that their disapproval was about the Demon Dad when they really felt badly for her that after 25 years later all she can ever talk about is how she was a victim. Not how great her kids are doing in spite having a Demon for a Dad, or what other interests the Momster has in her life (because she has none), only how she was done wrong and give her your empathy so she can find some may to manipulate you into serving her. She received much NS of Sympathy and Empathy over the years from people, but eventually after 25 years, even the most compassionate people got burnt out listening over and over again about her victim story, and it eventually played itself out. This is different than what other woman go through when they and their children have been vicimized by a N or P. Loving Moms see how painful it has been for their Children too and comfort them and help them heal, but the Momster added to our suffering with her verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. Other Moms eventually heal, recover, and get on with their lives, but not the Momster, she is stuck in the past because she gets NS from it in a very sick pathological way.

When I was 13 and thrilled that I was officially a teen and had my first period, my Rite of Passage into Womanhood,
all the Momster could talk about was how excited to be divorced from my horrible Father, not her horrible husband, but my horrible Father, like I forced her to marry a Monster. They were married well over a year before I was born, so she can not blame me in any way. She never owns anything. Always someone elses fault. It was always your horrible Father is not sending you any money, instead of her or "my" Horrible ex-Husband. She had a evil way of making us feel like it wasour fault that the Demon Dad was not doing right by her. Like we had some control over what he did or didn't do. Stupid Momster! She spent the entire day bathing in her Marital Freedom to our Demon Dad. Then of course she had to replay all the horrible things he had done to her throughout the years. Never once stopping to comfort us or empathize with us about how we had also suffered, just about her in true N & P form. She was divorced and free, yet played the victim for anyone who would buy her act.

The Demon Dad continues to write in his letter, and here is the Toxic Icing on the Shite Cake, [the Momster] calls [the Troll] her 'best friend'!" And here is the Carcenagentic Cherry on top, "we spent a wonderful Christmas evening together."

Did hell freeze over and no one told me?

You mean the Momster picked the Troll to be her "best friend" from
all of the great choices she had available to select from, As if she had some great selection! The Troll is the Momster's one and only friend. And Christmas in the KoN with a Momster, Demon Dad, and Troll -- what could be more lovely? I would Barf I if wasn't already hysterically laughing!

Their deception is so very halarious. I had to call my Aunt M to warn her that she might be getting a letter, or that the her friend C (who use to be the Momster's longest lasting friend of over 40 years, knew the Momster in College, both got married around the same time, hand their first two children around the same time, went to church together, etc) would also get a call or letter from the Momster. We shall see just how far
this deception lasts and how far it reaches. I am praying for Friend C not to fall prey to their Grand Deception.

These Deceivers are not as good as they think, there is no regret nor remorse in the letter, which is very interesting because the Demon Dad is a professional writer for "a syndicated column for a few newspapers". I don't know if he is actually getting paid for his column. Surely he could have conjured up some Counterfeit Regret & Remorse to put into his letter. He was also in Theather and Coached Drama, so it is very telling that with all his deceptive skills he left out the Counterfeit Regret & Remorse.

That was the halarious part. And here is the harmful part that my DH did not realize and said if he knew it would have hurt me he would not have told me to open the letter. However, I told him that a Painful Truth has Purpose, it brings the hidden uglyness into the light, and brings such clearity, confimation and validation of what I always knew, but could not face and did not want to accept.

Recall that one year ago last December my DH was in the hospital with a tube down his thoat and blood coming out due to some unknown medical problem. My Nsis #2 (the one up until now I thought was only a lower level N) lives about 30 minutes away from the hospital. I called her and asked her to come to the hospital and she had an excuse that she was waiting for her husband to finish picking up the school kids and return to their Day Care business, so she could leave and he could take over watching the kids. We were at a County Hospital nortorious for keeping patients waiting all day. The hours passed away and still no Nsis, more blood came out of my DH and I talked to the Charge Nurse to inform her how long we had been waiting and that DH happens to work for the Largest Newspaper in the State, all of a sudden the doctor came to check on my DH (DH did work for the Largest Newspaper in the State at that time).

The Dr. took DH off to X-ray, and Nsis #2 calls to see how I am holding up. She asked me if I really needed her to come, hoping that I would say no, because I have never asked anything from her in the past, so why should I ask now, "You are a very Strong Christian Woman" and that I didn't need her to be there, that I knew what I needed to do. Truth is she didn't want to have to be inconvienanced. I told her that I did need her to be here with me, and then the very long pause............... you get when you catch a N off guard. Especially from a N who has the Gift of Gab and doesn't let anyone get in a word. She says that she can not get away, and preceives to explain how she knows that my faith is strong and that I need to rely on God, etc. the things that Counterfeit Christians say because they lack true Empathy to connect with the other person. They have a way of making others feel Lesser-Than for needing them, when the truth is that they do not want to be inconvienanced.

I told Nsis #2 that I had to go and make another phone call which was to the person who I have been watching her little DD and her and her parents were always so grateful to me, however, she calls to tell me that she is going to have to find a new Day Care Provider, because she needs someone to watch her child tomorrow and I had no news about my DH and his condition, I wasn't sure at the time if I could continue to do Day Care the very next day, so she was dropping me. This was from a person who parents was on the Emergency Pick-Up and refused to pick up, so I had to wait until the Client got out of school, before I could go to my DH in the hospital.

Back when I first heard that my DH had to drive himself to the Hospital, because his N-supervisor would not allow a fellow employee to drive my DH to the hospital, and that he was alone waiting to be sceen by the doc. I immediately called the Client to pick up her Baby, tried to call the Client's teachers who were suppose to relay emergency messages, called the Baby's grandparents who refused to leave their jobs to pick up their granddaughter. Yes the world is over populated with Ns. Even one of them is one too many! After the grandparents refused to pick up the Baby, I called the Nsis #2 and I told her that I was in no condition to drive myself to the hospital because I am stressed over not being able to get anyone to pick up the Baby while my DH is in the hospital, and she of course couldn't help out with that either. My other friends were at work and Silly me I thought I could depend upon Family. My nFiL came over as soon as he could (immediately left his job where he works locally), and my MiL came over as soon as she could pack up a few things for an over night stay w/DD. Legally I could not leave the Baby w/my nFIL but I definately thought about it, thank goodness the client got out of her class a little early. I spent the entire time in the hospital and Nsis #2 never showed up. You would think she would feel terrible for not being with her older Sis when I needed her, but no just full of excuses to try and make herself feel good about letting us down and of course it worked because she had no guilt whatsoever.

Now a Normal Person would feel bad that her Sister had to go through a terrible experience alone, and that guilt would convict her to vow to be there for the older Sister the
next time she needed her. That the next time she would not let her Sister down. Again in my entire adult life I have not had emergencies and never asked Nsis #2 for help. Interesting how two emergencies happen in a close amount of time. The Blessings of Emergencies is that they reveal the true nature of people. During this time Nsis #1 was living with me and about 60 days later after constant choas in my home that turned into the environment that I grew up in where the Momster was yelling at everyone 24/7 the Nsis #1 was fighting with her youngest 24/7 and no matter what we did to break their disfunctional patten, family meetings, getting on the same page, consequences, incentive sticker charts, lots of praise & hugs when when the Golden Child was kind to others, etc. and nothing worked to stop their distruction.

One weekend when the Nsis #1's NH came to pick her & the kids up to look for apartments we were out taking our DD to the Urgent Care for treatment for a flu, after we were done, I started experincing PTSD symptoms and did not want to go back to my own home. I could not stand to hear their voices fighting with each other not one minute more. DH & I decided to avoid returning home and went out to breakfast. I could not eat anything. Then we decided to drive up into the Country where the Apple Orchards are to get away, even normal everyday sound was so very intense and painful, and even sunshine hurt. I was shaking and an emotional reck, and I was having not only a emotional but a nervous break down, yet I did not want to admit that last part to myself. Nsis#1s NH picked her up, my DH told her to lock the front door and go out the side gate. You think knowing that they are gone for the weekend would restore peace to my tatered nerves, but it did not because I knew they would too soon be returning, and so would the hell they were putting my family through. There was no end in sight to this madness, and that took its toll on me.

I thought about taking my DD and going to live with my SiL who is a great friend of mine until Nsis #1 left, but who knows how long that would be and it is not fair to my DH to not be able to see his Wife or DD, because of the Nsis and her spoiled Golden Child (who Nsis #1 called her own child a Spoiled Brat). So before we set off to the Country side, not knowing what to do or where to go, I sat shaking in the car and my DH steps out of the car to call Nsis #2 and actually beg her to come and help me that he has never seen me like this in all the years we have been together. Again I never ask this Nsis#2 for anything and I am not someone who easily gets emotionally distraught over things. I have been though a lot so I can handle a lot. Nsis#2 tells DH that she needs to speak to me that she doesn't really think I am having an emotional break down (she doubts his assessment) and that I am
just very stressed out. DH hands me the phone, she asks what is going on, and I tell her I am not doing well. She asks do I really need her to be there? I said yes. I do need you to be here. She perceeds to tell me that she has been fasting for a week and is looking forward to going to this Woman's Conference and that she needs to go, but will call me when she gets back. She needs to get a word from God, and I can't remember the rest of the Counterfeit Christian cr@p she said because I just tuned her out, said okay, and hung up. Once again abandoned by the Nsis #2 when I needed her the most and she knew it. She asked if I needed her, I told her that I really did and she rejected me, not once, but twice (the first time when she refused to be with me in the hospital). Not knowing what to do my DH drives us to the Country.

Back to the Letter from the Demon Dad, he says how he and the Momster enjoyed their visit with Nsis #2 when
she went to visit them this past Nov. (they live clear across America). I have gone to Nsis#2 house more in one year than she has come to mine in the past 7 years combined. She is always so very busy and can not get together, but if I want to come to her home where she ignores me by doing other stuff, than that is okay. Demon Dad says how he has been enjoying talking "on a regular basis" with both Nsisters and their Children. I am sure he is making more of it than it really is, but still, Nsis#2 takes weeks to return my phone call, says she is doing something, will call back and doesn't. I never expected she was lying to me. I have seen her do it to others, who she did not want to talk to, but to the Older Sister who loves her and supports her, has always been there for her, changed my personal plans several time when she needed me to support her when she was giving an important speach in her church, as well as other things she needed my emotional support for, and the one who has always stood by her and comforted her during her multiple episodes, she does the brush off to me too.

When Nsis #1 was at our house, she said she now sees the Demon Dad is not a good Dad and is over trying to have a relationship with him. She gave him once last chance and he let her down like he always does. Demon Dad also said how he and the Troll are looking forward to visiting with the Nsisters and their Children this Summer. Nsis #2 said she would
never expose her Children to the Demon Dad (repeat Child molester that hurt the Nsis #1 when she was in Elementary School, a Foster Child who was a friend of mine who lived with us for a little while, and years later his 4 yr. old Adopted D). I warned the Nsis #2 that once you open the door to the devil he is going to want more and you will end up giving him more than you ever thought you would. I prepared her and told her you are going to hear the same Counterfeit Christian cr@p that God has really changed him this time that I heard from him years ago, that deceived me into beliving that he had changed when he really did not. And you know what happen that showed & proved to us that he had not changed and it was just a lie.

Years ago the Demon Dad's Counterfeit Christian cr@p that God has really changed him, that he is active in church, prays, etc., along with the most deceptive part that he asked the Nsis #1 for Forgiveness and she Forgave him. As a Newbie Christian just really starting to get into God's Word this all sounded great because nothing is imposible for God -- which is true-- but Counterfeit Christians will use your very faith. the very thing you hold most dear against you and he did. I did not listen to my intuition telling me
No This is a Lie, because I so desparately wanted it to be true. Plus he said he had gone to therappy and me working on my Master's in Psychology and being a Mental Health Counselor, well that too worked to his evil advantage. Some time had passed since I forgave the Demon Dad and I got very sick while I was in my Master's Program, and I had no insurance and did not want to go to the hospital and rack up a huge Medical Bill on top of the School Loans I had, so I reached out to the Demon Dad and he was estactic to come to my rescue and be my Hero. My DH drove me to the Demon Dad's house and he took me to the doctors, got my medician and the doc said that I could either be hospitalized or be released if someone could take care of me for the next 48 hours, both the Demon Dad and the Troll said they would and they did. My DH did not want to leave me at their home, but we could not afford for him to miss College or Work, so he had to leave without me. The Demon and the Troll assured him that I was in very good hands and I could see him not want to go and leave me behind alone with them. Later he told me he regreted doing that against his intuition and when he was alone in his car driving away he broke down and cried because he felt like he was abandoning me.

That first night I was freaking out, I did not feel safe, nothting I could explain, just a very weird feeling, of aniexty and stress, I now know it was a Spiritual Attack. I was tormeted by thoughts that maybe in the middle of the Night Demon Dad would try and hurt me like he did to his other victims (one being his own D and the other a Foster D), I kept trying to comfort my soul and say that he has changed, etc and that he and the Troll have been kind to me. I was having extreme internal conflict a battle between my Mind, my Heart, and my Gut. Noting happened while I stayed at their house and I felt bad doubting the Demon and the Troll. I went back to school, and DH and I visited them a few more times.

DH and I moved to a new area and I think it was during the Summer and we were going to have a 4th of July party when the Troll calls and says that they can not make it. I thought it was strange, but maybe something came up and she said it did but she couldn't talk about it right now. I said okay call me when you can. Later that night or next day can't remember which the Troll calls to tell me that she has caught the Demon Dad hurting their little 3 or 4 year old Daughter. My heart broke and I told her that my DH and I are coming over right away. We did and found out that Demon Dad had been placed in jail. I asked the Troll if she was
sure that he hurt their little DD and she said yes, because she is a Social Worker, is very aware of what she witnessed and knew that he was covering up something. He was caught in the bathroom with his pants down with his little DD and her underware was in her room. The Demon Dad's Cover-Up is that he was pleasureing himself in the bathroom, little D knocks on the door says she can't wait and has to go potty, so he let her in the bathroom, and I guess that is when the Troll found him with the evidence in the towel for something, not sure where the physical evidence was left. What Demon Dad said is he finished what he was doing, then let his little girl in the bathroom. The Troll was confinced what she saw and she told me that Demon Dad is lying to cover up the Truth. We had to return home, but we kept in contact with her. The Demon Dad spent time in jail, called me to tell me his Deceptive Cover-Up which included finishing self-pleasureing himself while his DD was in the bathroom. DH told me he is lying because as soon as someone would knock on the door that would ruin the moment. No Man in his right mind could remain excited and continue while their child is knocking at the door and especially not in the bathroom with him. I told the Troll what the Deman Dad had told me and she said he was lying that is not the Truth that he is telling her one thing admitting to one thing and telling me something else and that she is disappointed in him for not being honest with me.

Eventually the Demon Dad was released to some of their Friends, he was ordered to go to Molester Therapy, the Troll and him decided to go to Therapy together, and the little girl went to her own therapy, then they went to family therapy, and then we get the call that they are all in Therapy Together. I asked for what purpose HE IS A REPEAT CHILD MOLESTER who preys upon his own children. He said he had changed after he hurt the Nsis#1, God changed him and everything. The Troll blamed Nsis for not telling her about how he hurt her before the Demon and the Troll adopted their D -- of course deflect responsiblity and Blame the Vicitm like she would even had believed my Nsis#1 over the Demon she married. The Troll has crimpling arthesit in her hands, so she thinks she is Lesser-Than and is blessed that the Demon would want to marry her in her condition. She despirately needs a man that she would choose to keep a REPEAT CHILD MOLESTER for a husband and a father for her precious little Daughter (who at the time of her attack is the same age as my little DD now). And
she is the one who caught him hurting their DD. She has seen with her own eyes how evil this Demon Dad is to his own children. This is why she is a Troll. Who knows how many more times he molsested his DD over the years, maybe not overtly, but covertly brushing or rubbing up against her that she knows it is wrong, yet can not identify the abuse because of its covert nature, yet still very damaging to her psyche and soul. We immediatly dropped contact with these evil people and it broke my heart that I could not take that precious child away from these Demons. All these "professional" people walking around with their Super Therapy that will change a Demon into a Dad. The Troll & Demon Dad took their innoncent child and moved out of state to start over, to hide the truth about who they really are under their human disquise.

Under a year ago the Nsis #2 convienced herself out of despiration for a Dad that her
true Father was somewhere in the world waiting for her and that the Momster had an affair with another Man while married to the Demon Dad. There was no proof of this, just the Nsis#2 Despirate Delusion to find a Dad at the age of 30+. She told me about her delusion and I told her look at your hands and your feet and compare them to Nsis #1 you two are 6 years apart yet have the very same bone structure, body built, etc. I told her if you have a differnt Dad, then it is the same one that Nsis #1 has too. I physically look different then the Nsisters, so I told her if anyone has a different Dad it is me, even though I do not look like the NM, my eye color is different, hair color is different, skin tone is a little different, I am her same height and painfully have the shape of her hands. Nsis#2 was extremely determined through self-delusion to prove that she had another Father other than the Demon Dad, and hounded the Momster for a confession, and there was none to give, and if there were I am sure the Momster would not tell her unless she could work it to the Momster's advantage. Then Nsis#2 calls my Aunt M and asks her if the Momster had confessed her affair to her, because we moved next door to my Aunt M (Aunt through love not blood) when Nsis was under 2. She told her that the Demon Dad is her Dad because she looks just like him.

This didn't work for Nsis #2 so I guess she decided she would find the truth from the Demon Dad, and she made contact with him. She thought she could N-chantment him into telling the truth that she longed to hear, that he is not her Demon Dad and that the Momster had an affair and that her real Dad is waiting somewhere in the world waiting for her to find him so that she could love him and that she could have at least one Normal Parent love her in return. Talk about Self-Deception and the lies we tell ourself in order to avoid reality. Instead the Demon Dad N-chanted her with promises of wanting to have the Nsis's kids put in his Will with her permission (like you need someone's permission) and that he wants to leave his grandchildren something (he has nothing to offer, everything is in the Troll's name and will go to her and her DD who is now starting College). He N-chanted her by using her very faith against her and promissed that he is a "changed man" that God has done a Miracle. God does do Miracales and when God does a Miracle -- it works the
first time! I have never come across a situation in the Bible where God created a Miracle and said darn it, it didn't work, I will have to try again. God can do the impossible, but Humans have Free Will and they must agree to change. It must be our decision to yeild to the power of God. There was this nortorious Murderer who killed men women and children and God made him blind and spoke to him and that Murderer's heart changed, and his changed behavior was the fruit of that Miracle. I am sure many people know the story of how Saul became Paul. Thing is God's Micales stick, Paul never changed back into the murdering Saul, like the Demon Dad did when he attacked his third victim after claiming that he was a changed Man like those in the Bible. A maN's failure to change is not God's failure, but the maN's. I hate these Counterfeit Christians who give God and the rest of us Authentic Christians a bad name. Please know that if a Christian ever abused you like with Nparents, or Nspouses or even Nfriends they were not true Christians, -- they were/are Counterfeit Christians.

Nsis #1 & #2 despirately want a Dad so very much that they are willing to believe his same old lies that he has changed. Yet I know he has not because with true change comes deep remorse and he has none. I guess neither Nsister require Authentic Remorse from Demon Dad, because they don't find Authentic Remorse important because they have none to give those
they hurt. I thought my Nsisters were just Damaged much like I was from the abuse that we all had to endure, but I now realize that they are not just Damaged they are also Disordered, because only a Disorder person who knows all the facts about theses Momsters would continue to have contact with them and allow their own Children to be these Monsters prey. The Demon and the Momster are Ps and the Sisters are full blown Ns who care nothing about their own children and would rather chase after Monsters and hurt the one person who loved them in this World and would have done anything for them, and has sacraficed much for them. I asure you I am not perfect, but I have not used & abused them like the Monster Parents have done to them. I have not hurt the Nsisters like they have hurt me and each other. The P-Parents are Serpents and the Nsisters are Snakes and they can continue to live in the darkness of their Pit. For me and my family we are Letting Go and Soaring Away from the Serpent's Pit.

If you read this entire post, your are truely an Angel Such an angel! and I thank you for caring. I have been wondering if it is even possible to have a Hallmark Relationship with these Nsibs. I found an Amazing Answer that God
does want us to go NC with Toxic People. I will share the Good News with you all soon about what I found for those who are interested. And even with this new Revelation I then asked God does that apply to all my Nieces and Newphew too? Can I maintain a Hallmark Relationship with the Nsibs for the kids sake? I did not want to let go of my relationships with the Children. I know what it is like to be raised by Disorder people and I wanted so very despirately to be a shinning light of hope for them that life is different outside of the KoN. I asked God please send me confirmation that you want me to go completely NC with the NFOO even the kids -- later that same day, yesterday, I received the letter from Demon Dad showing me that it is impossible to remain in contact for the kids sake. I did not want histroy to repeat itself. I had no Uncles or Aunts (the Child Molester married to the Momster's Sis hurt me), and on the Demon Dad's side of the family, my Cousin who has imperfect but loving parents did not know how to deal with the Monster Parents so I had no contact with them until years later when my Counsin and I reunited. I did my very best to see that History would not repeat itself. I trust God and He is faithful. He will look after the Children and I know that we will bring Normal Loving People into each one of their lives so that they know what Authentic Love feels like and it will draw them out of the KoN. My prayers will always be with the Children trapped in the KoN.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Stupid N!

Tonight my DH says that a maN he works with is smart. If smart you mean that he has a lot of knowledge, so be it. However being wise requires a bit more, a person must have wisdom in his/her words. Here is what this maN has told my DH; he said that according to him that although we share the same ethnicity, but I do not share the same faith, he denies my ethnic heritage. I told my DH to tell him that I do not have to share his faith to be of the same ethnic background. My DH says well according to him by his definition it does, so I told DH to tell this maN that it is a good thing that I don't need his definition to define who I am.

Stupid N! I am proud of my ethnic heritage. I spent my entire life having people tell me how I am and who I am not and felt like I had to convince them who I am when really all I need to do is know who I am. Sure enough we you learn that you are truly comfortable about not letting others define who you are a test is sure to follow. I think I did pretty well in passing this test.

I failed to explain that DH does not share these beliefs. We discuss how people are wrong in their perceptions such as the South's laws that state if there is a drop of African in a child that makes the Child Black not White. My nSis said that my Niece is Black, but I told her that one word is not nearly enough to describe her. She is K and K is more than the color of her skin. She is K. To say she is only Black denies her complete inheritance. It denies a huge part of her.

This maN who works w/DH asked him, so it is the Jews fault that Christ was crucified, the Jews put Jesus on the Cross, and my DH explained to him that it is the sins of Christians (as well as the rest of the World) that nailed and kept Jesus on the Cross. His response was, oh that's good. I never heard a Christian say it was them that put Jesus on the Cross. When I see another Christian I will tell them it was their fault that Jesus was crucified. I told my DH that this is a HUGE RED FLAG that this maN is a N, because instead of learning that we have a lot in common, he uses what he learns to harm others and make enemies. These are the type of people Jesus says to pray for our enemies, but not to be prey for our enemies. DH says that this maN was been told that he should have been a lawyer because he loves to argue and debate and he will either side just to debate it. He has said that he can debate 100 different reason for both side and the one he truly believes in is 101, but he will not tell anyone. I do pity a person who finds joy in conflict. This sounds too much like an N to me. I told DH that life is not a debate class where you randomly draw a point of view, and argue it for a grade. No one is impressed.

If a person joins a forum just to argue and fight, aren't they referred to as a Troll? Well this maN may not be a card carrying Nvamp, but he is definitely Trolling his way through Life. My DH does see how what he says is not right about certain things, yet he is slightly N-chanted or impressed by this maN's business skills and financial success, which being slightly N-chanted doesn't hurt if you have to work w/a N. My DH can pretend to be a Perfect Mirror and feed into the maN's Nism. Actually what it appears to be happening is that DH agrees sometimes and disagrees at others, creating Intermittent Reinforcement for this maN, which has worked to my DH's advantage.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Perfect Mirror, The Defected Mirror, and the Broken Mirror

What is it about the Golden Child, OW (other woman) or OO (other object), (other woman) or OM (other man), other family member, other friend, other co-worker, that the N selects to wear the Golden Crown? Why is s/he perceived better than me? Is s/he more attractive, athletic, intelligent, skilled, gifted, talented, successful, loving, or lovable? Well it is none of these things. The Golden Child wears the Golden Crown because s/he serves a purpose to be the Perfect Mirror for the N. The N lives his/her life through the Golden Child's reflections. The Golden Child is the one who is most N-chanted by the N. The Golden Child's N-chantment to the N really has little or nothing to do with the N's True Self, but rather his/her False Self that is achieved in great part by our own projections of our True Self. Confused?

For an explanation on how we Project our True Self onto the N which the N then uses to N-chant his/her victim, Click Here.

For some great short videos that artistically demonstrate how the N-chantment works, Click Here.

Nparents program us to be victimized by another N, and to be N-chanted to the familiarity of N in that when we meet a N we think how we have something in common, ya like a predator and a prey. Ns N-chant by reflecting back to us what we value, our own personality traits, and characteristics, both verbal and non-verbal expressions, thus creating an Illusion of being our perfect Soulmate, "Ns just like me". However, they can only keep up this deception for so long before the mask begins to slip and we realize that they wear a mask, that they are trying to cover something up, that we suspect that they have something to hide, they are not what they appear to be, things get very awkward & tense, there seems to be a distance or a disconnect (N is trying to protect & restore his/her false image, w/distractions and deflections, and the art of gaslighting that makes us doubt reality and ourself), because the N just hasn't been him/herself lately (which they really are being more of their true self, we just don't know it at the time) and in time we eventually discover exactly what lies behind the mask, if we stick around long enough to find out. For some people realizing a N wears a mask is enough to end the relationship, but for others we want to know exactly what lies behind the mask, so we stick around until the devastating end.

A Sudden Behavior Change or Personality Change, from missing you, to carrying less if you come for a visit. They N-chant, then when they see we are interested all of a sudden they are not. What did we miss read something? What happened? What did I do wrong? Nothing. Your behavior is constant the Ns is the one that changed, why?

This is how the KoN works in a Friendship or Romantic Relationship:
So how did he appear to be so kind at first, NVamps are great deceivers because they mirror back to us not their good traits, but our own. Ns know how to play the social game, they know what Normal People are attracted to and like a myma bird they mimic it, just enough to draw us over, then they observe our own traits, listen to what we value and they mirror that back to us, thus we become N-chanted because we think we have found our "soulmate" someone just like us, when the reality is the Ns are nothing like us and are only trying to pretend to be like us, so that they can hook us. However, they can keep that shrade up for too long and their mask drops to reveal glimpses of their true self, (the noted behavior change). As kids of the KoN we are quick to take responsibility and the Ns use that against us, because it works for them to keep us hooked and now we feel like we got to chase after them, make it right, etc.

Another reason for the N's behavioral change is that you are no longer the Perfect Mirror. Because you dare to call him on his BS and don't suck up to him. He both loves you and hates you at the same time, he loves that your feels are Authentic and not fake like the suck ups, but he hates that they mirror back reality, his true disordered self and not his false ideal perfect self. You know he wears a mask, because you refuse to mirror back his false self, and he knows that you know thank he is not what he appears to be or what he wants other to think he is thus you are now the Broken Mirror. He will continue to keep you hooked w/intermittant reinforcement "good days or moments" so that you think he is a good guy, along he is searching and lining up other Perfect Mirrors, and if you do not refuse to become a Suck Up aka Perfect Mirror, then he will have to eventually discard you to make room for the Perfect Mirror.

But he seem like such a nice guy in the begining, because he was mirroring you to trap you and keep you N-chanted, you are in another KoN.
In the KoN there is a Two-Way Projection,

And there is also a Two Way Deception. The first is what you are realizing the N's deception. The second is our own deception to ourself. Our gut is telling us to run, you have friends that are telling you to run and escape from this KoN. Since you have been devalued, you must decide what you want to do, escape now and avoid
avoid the discard, from the inevitable D&D,then you can avoid or at least lesson the horrible devastation that follows the discard.

Why is it so hard for us to leave, even when we have all the information & evidence that the person is toxic and will only cause more harm? Because we were born into the KoN and in comparison to the Nparent the N frienNd or NBF or NGF is "not that bad", we are use to much worse, so we settle for less instead of knowing our own value and realizing that we deserve more.

Ns love to isolate their victims from other interactions. Having a lack of Friends, or a lack of contact with Friends and/or Family also keeps us trapped in the KoN because we have no inspiration to leave it. Hey a bad friend is better than no friend -- left over toxic programming from the KoN, because a terrible Nparent is better than no parent. This is what helped me, when I found true friends they gave me important feedback to who I was and they validated that I was a person who is worth being treated with love & respect, they helped to dispel the lies in my head (that the Momster placed) that I was Lesser-Than thus I needed to settle putting up with toxic relationships, they taught me what Authentic Love looks like, sounds, like, and behaves and they helped me identify "the users" or "the takers" in the world.

There are three types of People in the World, Givers (victims of N) Takers (Nvamps) and Reciprocators (healthy & healed people who know their value). I have spent the majority of my life in the Givers Group, giving and giving until I was emotionally bankrupted, never requiring the other person to reciprocate and settling for the crumbs. The Takers prey upon the Givers, they stock them, N-chant them, use and abuse them, and they replace the Broken Mirror and D&D them. Takers are not attracted to Reciprocators, because to a N Reciprocators are obviously Broken Mirrors and Ns are threatened that the Ns cloth themselves in lies and reflect back to the N the hiddeious stipped down naked truth about the N's true identity. Ns will immediately detest a Reciprocator, because they have no value to a N because Reciprocators will refuse to be a Perfect Mirror be used and abused by the N.

Has the N ever immediately taken a disliking to one of your friends or family members without ever meeting him or her, and tries his/her best to sabotage that relationship and contaminate your view of your friend or family member, so that you start to think less of that person? Ns isolate their victims (Givers) from their friends and family who are Reciprocators, because if the Giver/Victim keeps hanging around the Reciprocator the Giver/Victim might just escape the Ns KoN before the D&D, and worst yet, the Giver might become brainwashed by the Reciprocators and be "just like them". My brain definitely required a lot of washing out the toxic programming of the Momster. I could go on about how the toxic brainwashing from the N works, opposed to the cleansing of the brain from the Reciprocators. But maybe I should save that for another time. There is a lot to take in and a lot to learn, and a lot to heal from.

My most important question is, would you consider going to an awesome counselor who specializes in N-relationships, and most importantly deprogramming the horrible lies that we have learned from the KoN we were born into? This is one of the things that helped me to heal from the past so that it no longer contaminated my present and stole my future.

WoN, it is truly the best support group I have participated in and not only will you learn tons about N what they do, how to identify them, heal from them, but also what Authentic Friendship is about and how it is reciprocated, there are great Reciprocators there. Such an angel!

This is how the KoN works in a NFOO and why the Sudden Behavioral/Personality Change from the N:
Problem is that the Golden Child eventually grows up and if s/he is not a N will not tolerate being treated like a Golden Child and when s/he discovers the Truth about the N will not reflect back his False Image/Identity. Wow this explains why Ns at MLC discard their family and start another family. They need a new Golden Child because the other one grew up and became a Broken Mirror like the rest of the Family. This further explains why the OW (Other Woman) is really an OO (Other Object) and just a source for the N to create another Golden Child. The OO has no intrinsic value of her own. She is only a vessel to bare the N a new Golden Child to replace the old. And in time History repeats itself, the second Golden Child grows up becomes another Broken Mirror and the N must discard his second 'Family' aka KoN to create another. Sounds like Science Fiction, look at those who are in the Public Eye, Famous People with all their exs, in fact it has become so popular that people in the Plastic City refer to their first wife as "The Starter Wife" and this concept has grown so much in popularity & relate-ability that there was a program on tv called "The Starter Wife".

It is so sad & yet not surprising that many of these Children that get discarded by the N don't value the concept of Marriage or Family -- why should they when they see people getting discarded one after another, that is what Family represents to them, something that is not stable, people have no value and are interchangeable and replaceable. No wonder the younger generation wants to avoid Marriage, yet many find themselves dating the type of Ns that discarded them when they where Children, and because they could not get their Nparents Illusive Love they chase after another Ns love that they think is Elusive and thus exciting when it is really Illusive non-existing and thus devastating.

Therefore, when you are D&D by a N please see that it is NOT you a person that s/he is discarding, you were NEVER seen as a person, we all are only an object that has become a Broken Mirror and thus needs to be replaced w/a New One. Please realize that the boomerang N who wants to come back and start "fresh" start "over" the relationship that s/he has to offer is doomed to fail and be toxic and abusive because since you know the N is flawed (we all know it is actually much more than mere flaws & imperfections) and he knows you know he is flawed you will always be at best a Defected Mirror and you can bet on it that even though he is lying to you saying he is so much in love with you he is in constant search for the Perfect Mirror, and when he finds one, you will be discarded again that you can count on.

Now that you have this information you have wisdom the first time the N N-chanted you were deceived, now that you know how they view us as replaceable objects if you go back to a charming & cunning N you are deceiving yourself and you will be allowing him to fool you. You are Nobody's Fool and you deserve more than to be treated as a N's Object. If he didn't value you the first time, he will not value you the second, and he will actually think less of you for going back to him/her. I know it doesn't make sense, this logic doesn't seem normal not to appreciate a person that gives the N another and another and another chance, but Ns are NOT NORMAL, thus we deceive ourselves when we expect them to think and act normal.

Every time we give a N another Chance, aka When you give a N a Chance. . . . s/he is going to want another and another and another, etc., etc. Every time we give a N a Chance s/he is not grateful and does not think how very wonderful of you (even though s/he may tell us those lies). Instead the N thinks, Wow look what I got away with and if I can get him/her to forgive me once I can do it again when I find a better Mirror. When Boomerang Ns recycle through people (objects to them) it is because the Perfect Mirror becomes the Broken Mirror, the N D&Ds the Broken Mirror. Because the N has not yet found a Perfect Mirror boomerangs back to the Broken Mirror re-Nchants the Broken Mirror upgrading our status to a Defected Mirror, until the N finds a completely new Perfect Mirror and once the Defected Mirror finds out about the Perfect Mirror s/he once again becomes the Broken Mirror.

Do you see why Ns enjoy recycling through their victims? Their victims can be several different woman or men or their own children, and they might throw a few friends in the mix, anyone who is willing to be the Perfect Mirror for the N.

It is very interesting that the pursuit of the Perfect Mirror has been described as The Object of my Desire or Affection and somehow it has become a romantic notion to be someone's object. I wonder if a N came up with that statement to help N-chant his/her victims/objects.

If you have been Fooled by a N for a second time, and have been D&D by the same N more than once, please do not feel embarrassed or ashamed, because you did nothing wrong by being a kind person and giving the N another chance. The N is the Fool for not valuing you. Please share your story of being deceived by a N more than once, so that hopefully those who are considering going back or staying with a N will be spared the devastation of a multiple D&D.

Those who stay w/a N please carefully weigh ALL the evidence, don't let your own Ego deceive you into thinking, but I am different. I can be what the others can not be for N, I can be that Perfect Mirror. You will destroy your Self in the process and wake up one day feeling like your very Soul is missing. The NVamp wants to take the very thing you have that is valuable to him because it is something he can never obtain for him/herself which is a Soul. As long as you remain devastated he holds your Soul as soon as you know your own value you regain your Soul, and that is very attractive to a NVamp, so he will boomerang back to steal your Soul that you now have reclaimed. Please protect your Soul and do not let him/her steal it again.

I pray with all my Soul that someone will read this and not let the N back into her/his Life to steal her/his Soul again. If you are that person who has decided not to let the N back into your life, Would you please let me know by leaving a comment? Thank You.

(This post was inspired by Updating the How to Expose a Narcissistic/Psychopathic Vampire

Another Great post explaining why Ns love to toy with us, Click Here.

If the Ns can not get our Adoration then they will cause our Devastation. If we are not their Perfect Mirror, reflecting back their False Self, their Grand Illusion, then the very moment we see the Ns as less than perfect we become the Defected Mirror, and the second someone else comes into their Life to reflect back the False Self of the N, the Grand Illusion and becomes the mask the N wears, then we go from the Defected Mirror to the Broken Mirror and since we have been through the Process of Devaluing by the N the only thing left is the discard. The discard does not have to be a physical one. It can be psychological hence they enjoy turning the Perfect Mirror into a Squeaky Toy.

Just like a dog w/a Squeaky Toy if the toy no longer makes a sound, does the dog go away? Some do, but most eventually boomerang back to sink their canine fangs even deeper into the Toy to see if it can get the toy to Squeak. They bite down harder and harder, because they know that the toy use to squeak and if they bite hard enough they can get the toy to squeak for them again. When the toy does not make even the tiniest of sounds what does the dog do? Some go away looking for another squeaky object, and some will try to shred the toy to pieces. Ever see an Animal try to bury something they are no longer interested in?

In regards to Ns the choices are to be The Perfect Mirror, the Squeaky Toy, or No Contact.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Forgiveness -- Redefine it to find it!

Forgiveness means many different things depending upon who you ask and when you ask them. I have spent my entire life defining Forgiveness for myself based on someone else's perception and definition which held me captive to the pain of the past & trapped in very toxic & abusive relationships in the present, due to how I once defined Forgiveness which use to included Pardoning & Forgetting what was done to me by my abusers, "Forgive and Forget" and then try to continue the relationship as if the abuse never happened. It was only until I searched the Scriptures for myself that I have discovered what Forgiveness is and what it is not. Find the Truth and the Truth shall set you free. Based on what I found, I have redefined Forgiveness based on what God has said and not what someone else proclaims He said. At the end of my days, the only one held accountable for the choices I made in my life is me. As far as Forgiveness goes, I need to make an informed decision based on what God has said to us. It is essential that each one of us reads Scripture for ourselves, and do not allow others to interrupt it for us, but utilize our Helper, the Holy Spirit to understand what God has said for our own Life. Other people claim they know what God has said (including myself), but we can not rely on the understandings of others. It is important to listen to the thoughts of others, but we must do our research and check out the facts for ourself.

Forgiveness as well as other important aspects of Life (Love, Friendship, Fulfillment, Destiny, etc.) has a tremendous impact on how one views Self and how we live our Life in this World. Perhaps finding Self, maintaining Balance and achieving true Peace & Joy is about taking a critical look at how we define these aspects of life for Self.

Maybe we need to redefine what Forgiveness means to our Self rather than to solely let others define it for us and then get stuck w/not being able to fulfill their defined requirements.

Life is a fascinating dichotomy. It is very complex and simple at the same time.

Peace, Fulfillment, Joy, Love, Acceptance, Forgiveness, and Closure are interactive. The consistent & constant theme to The Meaning of Life is that we can not rely or depend on others to define aspects of our life and most importantly, others can not define our life, they can not define Self. Because if we give our power away to allow someone else to define our life or even aspects of our life, then we are allowing someone else to control our life or even aspects of our life. We become a mere spectator to our own life. It is not surprising then for some people Life has lost all its meaning, and that their own life means nothing to them, because they have given their power way to others to define what belongs to them. Some people were born and raised in the KoN which meant their personal power was stolen from them before they ever had a chance to build it. Your Life belongs to You. Free Will is a gift from God, and as long as we have our humanity and do not become evil, then it can not be taken away and we should never give it away.

We must learn that we are the Main Character in our own Life and we can not let anyone else write our Script. If we have been given a Toxic Script because we were born into the KoN, then we need to find Authentic Help from Wise Consultants to assist us in rewriting our own Script. They are to guide, not dictate. We must objectively critique our Scripts and delete things that are not true to our Character and are deadly to Self. If Marriage, Family, Relationships, Friendship, Love, Career, Faith, Joy, Peace, etc. are a part of our World View and play a huge role in our Life Script, then we have to see how each of these interact w/Self. We can not rely on someone else's interpretation of these important Characters in our Life, we need to carefully examine them for our Self. In The End the only one responsible for the way this all played out is the Main Character, Self.

What does Forgiveness mean to you?

How do you define it for your Self?

Forgiveness & Acceptance is a marriage of two very important aspects of my life, and the two shall become one, and they are for me. Here is my definition of Acceptance.

I totally understand not being able to move to Acceptance and Forgiveness the way some people define it. I think getting there is about redefining it for your Self. For me, acceptance & forgiveness does not mean Forgetting what was done or being some Super Saint w/a big red cape flapping in the wind and Pardoning the evil that was done to us. As long as Forgetting & Pardoning was part of Acceptance & Forgiveness I could never get to those stages either. For me Acceptance is about accepting What Is instead of an illusion of how I want things to be, or how I Want them to Be. Acceptance is about accepting a Reality and not a Fantasy. It is about Accepting this toxic relationship will remain toxic because Ns don't change. Acceptance means that I am healthy and normal to not want to settle for Toxic, Counterfeit Love and that I am not a self-centered N to reject Toxic, Counterfeit Love and look for Authentic Love. Acceptance means accepting that things must change, our relationship must end, so that N & I can stop making one another miserable. Acceptance means accepting that the N & I have two different paths to travel in this life and they are going in opposite directions and that is okay. Acceptance means accepting that
most people who come into our life are not designed to stay the remainder of our life -- even a Parent or a Sib. Acceptance is accepting that the Nparents, & Nsibs did not leave me, I found my Self and I left them. Acceptance is accepting that Biology does not mean Love and Bonding. Acceptance is accepting that an Authentic Family transcends the mere constraints of Biology. Acceptance is accepting that my core Self is constant regardless of my circumstances & relationships. Acceptance is accepting that the Ns behaviors are toxic & deadly to Self and that is not ok, but I will be ok. Acceptance is accepting that I did not spend not one minute more than I needed to in the KoN. Acceptance is accepting that I did my very best for those in the KoN and I can not do anymore. Acceptance is accepting that I am not their Savior, that is not my role nor is it in my job description. Acceptance is accepting that I am Letting Go and Letting God take care of the KoN and Heal me from the KoN. Acceptance is accepting that there is no more Unfinished Business left in the KoN--It is Finished. Acceptance is accepting that the past was a part of my life, but it does not define my life. Acceptance is accepting that my best years were NOT spent in the KoN and are beginning right now Free from the KoN. Acceptance is accepting that the Gift of Life is the Best Part, the Good, The Bad, The Ugly, and the Amazing. Sure I could have done w/out the Bad & Ugly parts, but Acceptance is accepting that it was just a part of my life and can no longer contaminate the Good & Amazing parts.

Forgiveness is not about Forgetting & Pardoning the evil that was done to me or even the evil person, but is about not being stuck in resentment & revenge and searching for retribution. Forgiveness is about releasing & relieving myself of the guilt that I spent too much time in the KoN. It is about moving on and focusing my love, energy, joy, and happiness else where. There are only so many hours in the day and I can not let the evil of the past contaminate the Joy of Today.

I don't believe that you can reach nor should you even try to reach Forgiveness when you still have contact w/the N, especially when your divorce is not final. This would be counterproductive to Self. Anger is a good stage to be in when you are battling the N in a divorce &/or custody case.

You must define the final stages of Acceptance & Forgiveness for your Self. Trust your Self that when you have defined these stages and ready to move to them, your Self will know. Part of Acceptance is accepting that your intuition is a gift to be utilize and to Forgive yourself for ignoring it and not using it correctly in the KoN.

For a fun mental exercise, click here.

Forgiveness, Acceptance, Closure, are not things you can rush and must occur in their own time. It is counterproductive to Self to as my friend CZ has said, put the Cart before the Horse in there is a time for Hurting and for being Angry for what has been done to us by evil people. Anger is a great stage for people to be in when they have been recently attacked by a N and are battling for their life and the life of their children, because w/out it you will not be able to defend Self against all those N attacks you are & will be N-countering until things are finalized. Please know that my thoughts, love and prayers are w/you while you are battling out of the KoN. F
or those who are in a Court battle w/the N, I pray for a wise and just Judge who will see the Ns for who they are and throw the entire weight of the book at them. For those who are in a personal battle w/the N I pray that the N-chantment & Cloaking Spell will be broken and the Ns true identity will be revealed to all.

The KoN and healing from the KoN is focused on trying to understand N when it should be trying to understand Self. I know when you are actually in the KoN being abused you are looking for people to validate that what your experiencing, the crazy chaos & abuse from the N is wrong and that it needs to change, and you are so very right in your feelings & thoughts. The Ns abuse is wrong, and it should change, unfortunately it is not going to change because the N lacks true empathy, regret, and remorse for what s/he has done and has no desire to change (no matter what s/he says), because they actually enjoy hurting others.

I want to end this article on one of my favorite prayers, which is the Serenity Prayer.
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference

The extended version is beautiful and can be found here.

In regards to the KoN and the people that live in it and rule it like the Momster, I have accepted that I can not change the Ns, but I can change how I respond to them. I can decide whether or not I want to continue to have a relationship with any of them. I can end contact & the relationship w/abusive Ns and I can change my old relationships with lower-level Ns, create & maintain a Hallmark Relationship by never deceiving myself that I can ever expect more than they are able to give which is extremely low quantity & quality. I can accept that the Hallmark Relationship is what it is and that I can have Self-Discipline, so that I never give away more than I am willing to lose. I can accept that in the Hallmark Relationship there is No Expectation of Reciprocation. I can be free from the pain of the past and that it does not have the power to keep me captive, contaminate my Present, nor steal my Tomorrows. I can grieve what can never be with the the Ns that have N-countered my life. And most importantly, I can focus on the blessings that I do have, change Me by stop being reactive to Ns & other people and proactive to & for Self so that I can move forward into achieving a Full and Abundant Life.

My New Year's Resolution to Self, and to this blog is to take the focus off of others, stop being Reactive and start being Proactive. If this sounds like something you are interested doing to, then follow me while I continue this Journey of Self Discovery.

(p.s. Self Discovery, as in discovering things yourself is a blessing one of my friends recently taught me and with a little help from a Friend I Discovered how to embed links into words at least on this blog! It is great when we are open to learn new info., understand the new info., accept the new info., and apply the new info. Awesome how Life works just in the right time. )