Another great piece of advice I received is accepting that Self-Care is Not being Self-Absorbed like the Ns. In the KoN our True Self is denied & a false Less-Than self is created by the N. Everything is hyper-focused on pleasing the Ns (which we all know is impossible due to their pathology, or evil nature) and denying Self (self-expression, protection, care, worth, esteem, etc). It is about supporting the Grand Illusion that the N is superior and we are inferior, because if we ever realized we were the N's Equal (or in Reality their Superior due to their lack of humanity), then we would Escape the KoN. And our Escape, our Freedom from the KoN is the N's greatest Fear. The fear of being left alone w/out a Victim, and w/out the supporting cast of the Enablers to support the Grand Illusion. However, Ns are on a constant hunt for replaceable Source, both Enablers and Victims to feed or be their NS. When Ns disclose their Fears of Being Alone, Rejected, or Abandoned we believe it is the same as our Fears of Being Alone, Rejected, or Abandoned, but it is Not. Our fear comes from not having someone to love and their fear comes from not having someone to abuse. Their fear is that the Grand Illusion will be obliterated and the entire World will discover the Truth, that they, not us, are a worthless piece of toxic crap. Does that sound a bit harsh? Then my friend your empathy is the N's hook that keeps you connected to their KoN (been there, done that). It is our projected humanity that keeps us from realizing the N's true evil nature & identity.
Escaping & Healing from the KoN begins w/focusing on and discovering your True Self. In the KoN our lives revolve around reacting to the Ns & their toxic behavior, instead of being proactive and focusing on what we need and want regardless of what N thinks about it. Does this feel a bit Selfish and N? If so, that is left over brainwashing, Projected Lies from the N that keep us from Escaping their KoN. Self-Care is Healthy and it is about Survival opposed to being Self-Absorbed and abusing others. There is a direct Cause & Effect in that the further you get away from the KoN the closer you get to Self. NC is not a decision you have to set in stone. The more you discover Self and that you have intrinsic value the more you can empower Self to make decisions on what you want to do in your life and what are clearly toxic to you and you want to avoid. Your decisions are based on Truth and not Fear, Obligation or Guilt (FOG).
One Myth I must dispel is that Ns (even NMs) don't believe what they say when they say something mean, devaluing, and objectifying -- they absolutely w/out a doubt believe what they say, because they detest us. They are envy of what we are and they are not, which is loving & caring human beings. Our mere existence is a constant reminder of what they can never achieve, having a loving soul & forming deep loving connections w/others. With Ns whatever they envy, whatever they covet they attack. In the KoN you must realize there are Two Mindsets, the Normal one (ours) and the Pathological one (theirs). The N mind is not normal, yet we normals expect the abnormal to act normal. It is very easy to call ourselves crazy for expecting abnormals to think and behave normally. We must keep in mind that their disguise is EXTREMELY deceptive. They look human, therefore we think they are human because we project our humanity onto them. (There is a Must See Tv show simply called V that demonstrates this point perfectly).
Life in the KoN is about Two-Way Projection. The Ns project their True Identity (horrible beings) onto us, so we feel worthless, when in fact they are the ones who are truly worthless. They use our strongest characteristic against us which is our Empathy. We actually feel sorry for them feeling worthless & Lesser-Than when they act like or play the victim, because we know what it is to actually be the victim and to feel worthless & Lesser-Than. We feel sorry for our abusers, poor pathologicals. Our Empathy is their hook & keeps us connected to the KoN.
Now our turn, we project our humanity onto them. When they appear to do something kind we think it is w/good intentions because we have good intentions. However, Ns are self-serving and do not have good intentions. Because you are a great Mama you remind the NM everything she is not & was not (same thing applies in regards to the Nspouse, or any other N). Their pathological, wicked mind will not allow them to reciprocate admiration, so instead they must create an Illusion of our inferiority. In reality we are not the one who is Inferior, rather they are. Like wise with our projection onto them, they are not kind, thoughtful, etc we are, their great characteristics are not theirs, they are ours that we project onto them and their terrible characteristics that they project onto us are not ours, but theirs that they project onto us. Make sense? I know it is a little confusing at first.
The KoN gets its power from the Dance of the Projection from both Predator & Prey. It is the Interaction of Projection that keeps the KoN alive.
The best way I found to escape the KoN is to break the Illusions. Some of the Illusions are created by the Ns and others are created by us (our projected humanity onto the Ns). And for me the toughest ones to break were the Illusions that Ns have No Control of their hurtful behavior when in fact They have Absolute Control. They do not really Choose to hurt us (it is only their illness, their pathology) when in fact They Do Choose to Hurt Us. They don't Intend to hurt us when in fact They Do Intend to hurt us. Their attacks are Very Intentional. They don't Realize what they are doing when in factThey Do Fully Realize They Attack And They Know What They Are Doing. And they don't really enjoy causing us pain when in fact They Really Do Enjoy Causing Pain. They Continue to Attack, because They Enjoy the Attack. They enjoy hurting their own child or loved one, and that is why Ns, Especially NMs, are a freak of nature.
One theory is that Ns are Emotional Retards and that is one that I believed for quite awhile. However, now that I have been NC I am considering another theory. The term "retard" implies that Ns have no control and just have to attack us, they can't help themselves, they can't stop themselves, and they don't understand what they are doing, as a Friend of mine says, "No Depth Perception". However, when I test that theory out I find there is No Evidence for that when the facts are that Ns only attack certainindividuals. They choose their Victim, they choose the Place for the attack, they choose When they will attack, and they choose How & they choose to What Extent they will attack. And they choose to continue to attack, because they enjoy attacking, they enjoy abusing those they should love, but don't. We can not teach them to love, because they have no desire to love, because if they did they wouldn't enjoy the attack. They love to attack.
Ever ask yourself Why do they attack? Click Here.
Here is another thread about Ns and NMs, CZ has an AMAZING Gift at explaining things, Click Here.