Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Poisonous People & Zombie Relationships

Just the other day a friend of mine just opened my eyes & convicted me in regards to my med2high level Nsis. I have had NC w/the med2high level Nsis since she D&D us. She does not have my e-mail and she doesn't have e-mail so I can't block her, but what I can do is delete her phone number out of my house phone & cell phone. It is very interesting the terminology blocking and deleting. Blocking has flexibility, what is done can be undone, there is the potential for things to change. In regards to my Nsis there is nothing to block because she is not seeking a relationship, not until she needs to use us once again, and even then it is not a relationship, but a source that she is after. We are only her Source for Resources and nothing more. However, Deleting, that is permanent. Now deleting a relationship, that would imply that we had something to get rid of, but the only thing that I can delete is an Illusion.

All this time I have been basically reactive to her D&D, but by deleting her phone number is the last connection to each other. I guess it is placing that final nail to the coffin of our dead relationship, or Zombie Relationship (something that appears to be alive, but really isn't. Something that is continuing to decay past its expiration date). Definitely putting an end to our Zombie Relationship has been way over due. This past Oct. was my last attempt at a Hallmark Relationship w/her, but it has become painfully clear that she is not capable of even a Hallmark Relationship. Our Sisterhood was just an Illusion. The actual relationship died years ago (if we ever really had one other than the older Sis coming to the rescue of the younger Sis). Now it is time for me to bury the Great Illusion of What Could Have Been, because she is a N there is no What Could Have Been, only the Painful Reality of having a toxic relationship w/a N.

Each time the Nsis left my home, she would hug & kiss us all good-bye, thank us for helping her out, and say that she would give us a call once she was settled in her new place. Then the D&D and we would not hear from her for 5 years until she & her children was once again homeless. This time, mainly for her children's sake we took her & the girls in, but not any more. She D&D us for the last time. I was not shocked because she did it to us before. This time it hurt like hell for the scales of my eyes to fall off and realize that there is no one to blame (not her Nh & not our Nparents), but the Nsis for the D&D, and to realize that she too is a N. I am done w/focusing on what I don't have in regards to the NFOO and I am going to focus on the great treasures in my life. There are great loving people in this world that we can connect with, we have got to stop wasting our time trying to connect to those incapable of reciprocating love.

A very good friend of mine CZ recently gave another friend of mine (who is also ending her relationship w/her Nsis) some very good advice that I wanted to share.

So don't hide from feeling 'blue'. Let yourself work this out and feel it all the way to your toes for it is VERY sad that siblings are NOT one another's best promoter, best support and champion. It's a loss and merits respect for the loss that it is.~CZ

Just wanted to second what CZ said. Even the death of a Zombie Relationship is painful. Not grieving What Was, but rather the loss of What Can Never Be. We should have a least one Sib that can love & support us, but unfortunately due to their pathology it is not possible. There is no potential of What Could Be if only I stick it out, only the painful reality of What Is & What Is is a very toxic thing. No More, What Ifs, If onlys, Could Have Beens, or Should Have Beens. Time to bury these decayed bones. I remember watching a Sci Fi movie, can't remember which one, but to get rid of the Ghost for good the person had to find the decaying old bones and bury them or was it they had to set them on fire? Either way they had to be put in their rightful place, and the Haunting ended. I guess it is time for us to f
ree ourselves from the Haunting of a Nsis & get out the Little Black Dress and allow ourselves the freedom to grieve What Can Never Be. RIP the Grand Illusion of Sisterhood w/a Nsis! In The End, they did not reject us, but we are releasing them & in turn freeing ourselves of a toxic relationship.

A friend of mine recently asked a very good question.
Why would a sane person choose to eat rancid meat when they have a feast before them?
I think it is because we don't believe the meat is rancid, but instead we think our Nsibs are like bitter or sour fruit, that if given enough time and TLC they will grow into something sweet, palatable, or at least digestible. We fail to realize that we keep getting sick after contact with them, because they are toxic and hazardous to our health, some are even deadly. They kill our joy, peace of mind, physical well-being, etc. One might think that after constant exposure to these Poisonous People we would build up some kind of resistance or immunity. I haven't found any yet. In fact just the opposite has happened. I am disgusted & repulsed by Ns at all levels. I guess I have developed a Conditioned Response (Aversion) thanks to the Ns that were in my life and I can not stomach Ns from any walk of life.

My friend is also getting pressure from her enabling Sib to reconcile w/her Nsis. My lower level Nsis believes she is a better person/Christian because she gives Cheap Forgiveness to unchanged Ns. By not holding people accountable for their hurtful behavior gives them permission to continue harming others. They are not motivated to change, because we will just forgive them whether they ask for it or not. Yuck!
Reconcile w/a N? Let me tell you why that is impossible,
(1) the relationship must be valuable to both parties involved and Ns don't value people they only know how to use them.
(2) Respecting each others boundaries. This is impossible for Ns because boundaries only tempt Ns to blast right through them. They get a rush from getting people to compromise themselves.
(3) The defintion states To reestablish a close relationship between, since there was never a healthy authentic connection from the beginning (Ns are incapable of truly bonding w/people), there is nothing to base a "reconnection" on. The only thing that can be reestablished is a toxic relationship and that is not at all tempting to me. Ns are only motivated by justifying not rectifying relationships. We can not rebuild when the foundation is broken. Any relationship involving a N will crumble in time, because it is not designed to go the distance. It lacks true substance. It is hallow and weak and it will fail.
*Anyone else please feel free to add to the list Why Reconcile w/a N is impossible.

Well I did it! I deleted the med2high level Nsis's & her Nh's phone numbers from our house phone and cell phones. I know this might sound stupid to some people reading it, but it was a big thing for me. Symbolically it means I no longer wish to have any connection with her or to her. Now for the pics of her children, I guess I will pack them up & put them away. I have nothing against my Nieces and Nephew and it is not their fault that both their parents are Ns. I know what it is like to have Ns for parents and the rest of the family not wanting to have anything to do w/the Ns so the children feel rejected too. I did my very best to make sure History did not repeat itself for the kids sake. If the day comes when they are adults and they can see past their parents projected lies about us being terrible people and they ask where were we, I can say that their parents choose to D&D us several times & prevented contact w/you kids. I will explain to them that their perceptions of their parents are different than ours because they treated us horrible & as loving parents we had to protect our child from being continually hurt by them. God only knows if we will ever see our Nieces and Nephew again, but as for the connection to the med2high Nsis, just like w/the Demon Dad & the Momster, It is Finished. She is out of my life, out of my heart, and eventually out of my mind. My goal here on out is to fully focus on the blessings I have in my life, to fully appreciate & enjoy what I have.

Thanks for listening.

No comments:

Post a Comment