Thursday, December 9, 2010

Conscious or Unconscious Attacks/Abuse

I am very conflicted right now. Although I wrote about Life in the KoN is about a Two-Projection I am considering an alternative hypothesis to why Ns attack based on conflicting evidence to traditional theories.

There are theories that suggest that Ns attack out of 'unconscious defenses'. That they are unaware of what they are doing when they attack.

Where is the Empirical Data proving this Theory?

The evidence does not support the theory of 'unconscious defenses' because Ns target certain individuals. If the their defenses were truly unconscious, the attacks would not be Target/Victim Specific. For example a Superior such as a Supervisor would elicit feelings of inferiority, jealousy, envy, insecurities, etc., and as stated in a previous article What They Covet They Attack, so as theory goes they should attack their Supervisors, but they don't. Only the Stupid ones talk behind their bosses back to Co-Workers, but even the Stupid Ns learn through Trial & Error to correct their behavior and keep the Trash Talking of the Boss for their family and/or outside friends who will not report back to the Boss, so the Ns can avoid the Natural Consequence of getting fired.

When researchers test out their theory in the real world they are guilty of Confirmation Bias, finding evidence to support their theory, or twisting the interpretation of the evidence to support their theory instead of looking at the evidence that does not support and actually contradicts their theory.

Another reason I do not like the theory of 'unconscious defenses' is that it lacks responsibility & accountability and promotes further victimization, "poor pathologicals" can't help themselves, they are unaware of what they are doing. BS! They know exactly what they are doing, because they only attack certain people. EVERY N from the low level to the Super-Sized N/P attacks because they enjoy the attack (at least in the moment of attack, there is a payoff otherwise they wouldn't attack, it wouldn't be rewarding), lower levels will might verbalize regret & remorse, but very few actually mean it because very few actually stop attacking. They might be able to resist attacking a certain target for a certain duration, but the attacks eventually resume.

(The following happened, Nov. 29th Thanksgiving Weekend)
Let me take this moment to expose my sin, imperfection, or Shadow Self. I have never devalued my DD. I have never attacked her by calling her a name, or making her feel Lesser-Than. I wish I could say the same about my DH, but I can not. I have attacked him through name calling (in the past), attacked his role as Husband & Father (last night ). It was not so much what I said, but rather how I said it, and in the moment the intent was to hurt/shame/guilt, whatever name you want to give it, it was not done in a moment of Love w/the purest of intentions, otherwise I would have praised him and lift him up for all the great ways he is an Amazing Husband & Father and lovingly pointed out things he can work on (we can both work on). I would have implemented the Golden Rule, and instead I broke it by devaluing him and bringing him down. An attack is an attack whether or not we feel justified. Sure I can try to justify it by saying I felt like he betrayed me when he immediately didn't defend me against his NF, how dare him have weak boundaries (some Projection perhaps), and I was protecting Ego, Provoked by Pain, perhaps Transference was occurring for not being protected as a child, bad learned behaviors left over from the KoN, there are many excuses available to deflect the responsibility of the attacker/offender (me) etc. I had no right to attack him by attacking his boundaries & character & accuse him of not defending his family. This happened just last night. I could have gotten the same message across in a loving way, but I did not, I let it build up for an entire day, when we were both tired last night from sleep deprivation and dealing w/a sick child, extreme financial pressures, etc. I let it out. Sure I was "not nearly as bad as the Momster", but "not nearly as bad" is still not good enough. My Ego and my Pride would love to say it was all due to 'unconscious defenses'. But I would be lying to you and to myself to once again defend the Ego. I can not allow myself to play the Unconscious Card in order to make myself feel better for what I have done. The Holy Handbook says, be angry, but sin not. I let my anger, my pain get the worst of me. Now the difference, HUGE difference, between myself and a N is that I feel guilt, shame, regret, and remorse (which will motivate me to keep changing for the better) because I Authentically Love my DH and have empathy for what I did to him. Even in this very moment, as I am writing, I have to resist defending Ego and say there is a difference between the N's unprovoked attack and my provoked attack. Sure the difference is both in theory & reality, but in a Loving Relationship I can not rely on theory I need to be responsible & accountable for the bad choice I made last night.

Saturday we spent w/the Family Turkey's having our Thanksgiving w/DH's FOO. DH, DD and myself had our own Special Time on Thursday (we are creating our own Family Tradition), but it is also important to DH to have a Traditional Thanksgiving. There are two clear Ns in his FOO (the youngest Golden Child and the NF). During Dessert time DD was coughing, NF is a germaphobe. It was a very interesting case study of how Ns vs Non-Ns handle the same stressful situation of a child coughing at the Family Table. While everyone spoke the same basic words to DD, cover your mouth when you cough, cough into your arm, etc. the delivery in which the words were spoken were VERY different. The N's tones & non-verbal expressions were sharp, full of judgement and condescending while the Non-Ns my other Sis, my Bro, my MiL, my DH and myself used terms of affection "Baby girl, Sweetheart, Honey and in a respectable loving tone gave my DD the same message to cover her mouth when she coughed. Sure the situation was frustrating to all of us adults, but some spoke out of love and others out of anger. I consider how the Ns treated my DD as attacking w/ambient abuse. It is not what they said, but rather how they said it to her. Were the Ns concerned about helping my DD or worried about the potential germs getting on their Apple Pie, or how dare a 3 yr. old ruin their perfect image of the Family Table by coughing. Thing is they would NEVER treat other person who they valued in such a disrespecting way. I met the Golden Child when she was about the same age as my DD is now and nFIL did not ever talk to his Golden Child this way, nor did he talk to my other Sister's step child this way. Where was the compassion for a sick little 3 yr. old who just wanted to hang out w/her family? Oh yes, there were Ns at the table. As I told my DH last night, I am not so much mad at the Ns, because they are Ns and they are self-absorbed & attack when things are not to their standard and people are not behaving exactly as they want them to, what angers and pains me is that my DH and myself didn't address NF and ask him, Where would you like [daughter's name], and us to eat our pie since being here at the table w/you is frustrating you. It is not just my DH's responsibly to keep his boundaries strong, but mine as well. And this is what pizzes me off the most, we failed to protect our child from Ambient Attacks. The good news is that DH's is going to address this issue w/his parents. I pointed out that it is quite astonishing that with all the combined High IQ's sitting at that table no one had the common sense to suggest an alternative option, instead they choose to repeatedly attack a defenseless 3 yr old. Christmas Dinner is suppose to be at our home, so if there is a sniffle or a cough we will let everyone know and the Ns can make the choice to stay home. Thanks for Listening.

Theory states that the narcissist is unconsciously battling with him/herself internally to keep all unwanted and unacceptable aspects of the true self dormant and locked away, and when they attack their victim for mirroring back reality of their true self (their flawed self) they are really unconsciously attacking their self which they again unconsciously project on to us.

Since we can not read a Ns mind theories are based on assumptions about the N. We assume that this is what is going on in their disordered mind when they select a victim. Again I believe we are guilty of Projection, because if we were the Disordered this is what we would be thinking or not thinking. In theory when Ns are attacking us (their projected self) they are really attacking themselves.
I accepted that reasoning and use to agree with that, because it made sense in theory. Seemed logical enough. But I don't think that is the complete picture. I believe they attack us, because they know we are less N-chanted w/their True Self and because They Detest who we are which is a constant reminder of what they are not. If we go w/the theory of the N projecting his/her true self onto us and that is who s/he is attacking, then we don't have to take their attacks personal. It's not really me that the N is attacking. The evidence does not support that theory, because the Ns attacks are Victim Specific. Rather the Alternative Theory or Hypothesis that the attacks are personal because They Detest who we are, not what we represent in theory (the Ns projected self) is more accurate & valid.

If their defenses are automatically/unconsciously elicited, then again why are their attacks Victim Specific. Why don't they project their lies onto the Golden Child, Friends, or their Boss and attack them? The Golden Children, Friends and the Bosses don't always mirror back to the N his/her ideal self, yet they are not attacked and we are. We Scapegoats/Targets are told that it is because we are a broken mirror and do not reflect back to the N their False Self, so the N attacks (which I also believed & wrote about on my blog) -- yet the Golden Child and the Boss do the same thing and they are not attacked. I use to think that the Golden Children only or predominately mirrored back to the N his/her Ideal Self and therefore saved themselves from being a target, but that is not the case. I have seen Golden Children not mirror back the False Self to the N and actually be harsh and publicly shame the N, yet the N does not retaliate.

When we don't understand something, can not fully explain something, or do not want to consider an Alternative Reason (the N is evil, intent to harm) we say that it is Unconscious. In the field of Psychology where all theories of behavior come from people deny the concept of true evil. They prefer terms such as Mentally Ill, even psychopaths, instead of the simplified term of evil. However, I have noticed that in Self Help areas the term evil is more and more accepted and used to accurately describe N. I don't know if it has reached the Ivory Towers yet, but at least people are using a term that was once forbidden.

Here is a Blog Post from Cheshire about the N's Private & Public behavior in regards to how they threat others, Click Here.


  1. Hi,
    This is my first visit to your blog but I hope I can remember to find my way back.

    Great post. You know, when I first began my blog just over one year ago and without planning it, I found myself telling my story about a past relationship with a severe Narcissist. In the process, through a few great blogs, I learned what NPD is. I was most uncomfortable using the word evil, even though I realize now it was always what I felt when I thought of the N's actions. Finally, for some reason, I'm quite comfortable using the word.

    I've also thought about this business of how they do or do not target certain people. It sure seems like they do. I'm learning that I've been quite the easy target. It's hard to change what makes me one.

    "They know exactly what they are doing, because they only attack certain people" I AGREE with you.

    Thanks for the post. I'm glad I came across your blog.

  2. dogkisses, I too use to be very uncomfortable about using the word evil to describe certain people, especially the Ns. I use to view them as sick beings who had no intent on hurting others. That true evil only existed in Horror Movies or certain extreme cases you hear about on the nightly News. Then I had the opportunities to observe the behavior of mentally challenged people who truly had no control over their behavior. Their behavior remained constant. It did not matter who was with them or where they were when they had their outbursts. Ns have complete control as explained above, and they have the desire to hurt others, they enjoy causing pain, and they do not have empathy nor remorse which in my book, makes them evil.

    Healing is an awesome Duality, once we can fully accept the extremely painful truth that the N is evil, we are Free from the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) that keeps us from escaping an abusive relationship. It is fascinating to me that we must experience the Pain of the Truth, N is evil, in order to be Free from the Pain/Abuse of N. When the N looses value, then what s/he also looses value. If I don't care about the N, then I don't care about what they say or do. They loose their control & power over us. Once we accept the N is evil, then we can escape the KoN. Repulsion creates momentum.
    I am happy to hear that you are enjoying reading my blog. I have read some of your articles too and have enjoyed what you wrote. Helping each other Heal from the KoN is a WoNderful Gift we give to one another.