Friday, July 22, 2011

How do you handle Toxic Re-Runs?

Today I just finished reading a FANTASTIC post by a very talented fellow blogger Mulderfan who posted an article by Paulo Coelho. Click Here to read her Great Post.
"Stop being who you were and change into who you are." ~ Paulo Coelho
"Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away." ~ Paulo Coelho
Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else. ~ Paulo Coelho

These 3 Statements resonate so deeply with me. They are such a Powerful Healing Annointment for the deep Soul Wounds, especially inflicted by Nparents.

Paulo's statements has that WOW Factor because it inspires, encourages, and empowers us. It reminds me to fully enjoy Today, the Person I am Today and the People I am with Today instead of revisiting the Toxic Re-Runs of a Painful Past. Toxic Re-Runs is a Great Analogy.

What do we do when a Bad Re-Run comes on TV? We turn it off, or switch the channel. I know applying that strategy to Memories of the N and his/her KoN is much More difficult, but it is POSSIBLE. Notice the amount of difficulty is smaller than the POSSIBILITY. Often the Best Things in Life are difficult, but the end result is MORE than worth the struggle to achieve it.

May I share what has worked with me and what has not? I have two very Damaged Sisters who out of their Desperation are Delusional about the Psycho Parents changing when the Psyo Parents continued hurtful behavior proves otherwise. I thought I could have at least a Hallmark Relationship with the Damaged Sister. Although we currently have very little in common except a biological connection and a Painful Past, I do have have Empathy being a fellow Damaged Child and I understand the struggle inward and outward in achieving and maintaining Healthy Relationships. I have wanted to help them by sharing what has worked for me to heal & repair what was done to us. I thought we could have at least a low level Hallmark Relationship even though I had NC w/the Psycho Parents.

This does not work. Because the Sisters are the ones who then switch on the Toxic Re-Runs no matter how much I say I don't want to hear about the Psycho Parents, that we will have to agree to disagree about needing to have a relationship with Toxic Psycho Parents, and what Forgiveness is and what it is not (like not having to have a relationship with Toxic People). If they want to be involved with all that Toxic Mess that is their choice, just like it is my choice not to. I wont try to change their mind, and I they don't need to try and change mine, because we both know where each other stands on the topic of Psycho Parents. If they want to be connected to all that Poisonous Stuff that is their choice, but for me & my Family it is too Toxic, and we are not interested. They say they will respect our choice not to get involved with the Psycho Parents directly or indirectly through them. They say we don't have to Re-Run our disagreement over the Nature of our Psycho Parents, or revisit the Toxic Re-Runs, but they will change the channel, and switch the Healthy Program back to the Toxic Re-Run, and try to convince, us or themselves that the Toxic Re-Run is "not that bad".

I have spent years playing Change the Channel Wars w/my Siblings. They wont accept that I am not interested in replaying the same dysfunctional patterns & conversations.They try to manipulate me into accepting what they are interested in (having a relationship w/Psychos Evil Beings) is a Good Thing if you are a Good Christian. What I have painfully learned is that in order to "Stop being who you were, and change into who you are" means cutting ALL Toxic Ties. Trying to have even a Hallmark Relationship w/my Siblings who have a direct relationship with Evil Beings and Toxic Re-Runs means that I will indirectly have a Relationship w/these Evil Beings and be caught up in the Toxic Re-Runs, and that will prevent me from moving forward and fully enjoy who I am Today. Cutting Ties and getting rid of Poisonous Mementos & Reminders would fall under the Turning the Toxic Re-Runs Off.

So what about Switching the Channel? It is important to Repair what was done, so that we don't Repeat what was done as Cheshire recommends, but we also must Replace the Old with the New, the Unhealthy & Toxic with the Healthy & Productive. For me this is about finding my Passion and Purpose, not only as a Wife, Mom, and Friend, but to have a Dream that is bigger than me, something to look forward to and strive for. Supporting my DH's, DD's and now my Passion keeps me very busy, and when the Re-Runs try to pop up, I multitask by continuing to do what I am Passionate about and without out changing my focus Turn Off the Toxic Re-Run, because I simply don't have the time for it, not interested in it, because I know it is No Good, and I already no how those Toxic Re-Runs End.

Paulo states, "Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off". The only thing MORE Dangerous is not Fully accepting Authentic LOVE Relationships that are existing & current Today in our Life. Being caught between the Past & the Present is like trying to watch two programs at the same time. We can do it, but are we fully enjoying it? Are we fully taking things in, or are we missing something very important? Our Loved Ones deserve our FULL undivided attention, because they are MORE important than any thing else, or any Toxic Person. We can not multitask the Past with the Present because the Past contaminates the Present.

Turning the Toxic Re-Runs Off & Switching the Channel is a Process. Life is about Progression not Perfection. This is a very important step or realization in our Healing Journey. If we have a Healthy Standard & Goal, then we have something to work towards to stay focus on, so we don't get distracted w/the temptations of the Toxic Re-Runs.

Turning Off the Toxic Re-Runs is not easy, is very difficult and painful, but it is very necessary as Paulo says in order to "Stop being who you were, and change into who you are." It is essential that we challenge ourselves to not be Pulled into the Past of Toxic Relationships, and stay in the Present Healthy Loving Relationships. As the saying goes, Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery and Today is a Gift that is why it is called the Present. The Present is a Gift our Love Ones give us to replace the Toxic Trash from the Past. I often wonder what message does that send those who give us a Present when we are holding onto the Toxic Trash from the Past?

What if Situations were reversed? What if our Loved One had a Painful Past and they were the one holding on to Toxic Trash? What if we were the ones giving our Love One a Beautiful Present, and even though they enjoy it they still hold onto the Toxic Trash from the Past. How would that make us feel? Personally I would have mixed emotions consisting of being confused, hurt, disappointed, frustrated, and angry. If I am giving you a Wonderful Present, Why would you waste your time holding onto Toxic Trash? Do you not value the Fantastic Present? Do you not clearly see how much better the Present I give you is compared to the Toxic Trash from the Painful Past that others gave you? It would make me doubt the quality of the Present I am giving, Maybe the Present isn't as Good as I think it is? Maybe I am not offering a Good Enough Present in order to replace the Toxic Trash of the Past? Maybe I'm Not Good Enough for my Love One? And now the Toxic Past has contaminated the Present, and if we are not careful it will Damage and Destroy our Present.

When we lived in the N's KoN we felt Not Good Enough, and now that Toxic Legacy has continued and hurt our Loved Ones and our Loved Ones being hurt then hurts us.

The Ns have damaged, or destroyed our Past, Are we going to allow them to contaminate or ruin our Present too? Are we going to do our best to protect our precious gift? Will the Ns steal our Present and Future too? When will the Ns damage stop?

We have got to fight for our happiness. We can not just stop with cutting the physical ties, we have to cut the soul ties too, and this of course is so much harder to do, I know. Souvenirs from a Toxic Romantic Relationship, or Toxic Friendship no reason to keep, not for sentimental reasons and not for monetary reasons. I have thrown away or given away many things. It does not matter how these items go, just make sure they go far away from you. Don't give them to a Friend or Family Member as a Re-Gift and then be reminded every time you see that item. Send it far way or destroy it. Destroying an item from a Toxic Relationship is very cathartic and healing. Whether or not the items were from Toxic Relationships or Healthy Relationships we should get rid of them, because they tie to the Past instead of the Present and just clutters up our home. Think of it is Psychologically and Spiritually de-cluttering our lives.

Giving away items from Healthy Relationships might seem a bit harsh, like we no longer care about that person, but that is not the true. We don't have to hold on to all the items to hold on to the memories. My In-Laws have hoarding issues and they have passed that down to my DH. What I have recommended is to take a picture of the item that holds Good Memories and put in a scrapbook, because it is not the item itself that holds the Memory. It is our Heart and Mind that holds the Memory and a picture of a Treasured Memento. Giving away the item does not mean giving away the Memory.

When we look over our Mementos, especially for those of us who have things from our Childhood of living in the KoN, it is hard to distinguish which is Trash vs. Treasure. If something triggers Miserable Memories that would fall under the Trash Category. What if it is something we made as a Child? I have a box of Childhood items that I am not sure what to do with. I will have to keep in mind the advise I give others to take pictures of the items I wish to keep and put them in a Scrapbook. Items that are Safe and don't trigger painful memories.

Maintaining a Toxic-Free Zone calls for Preventive Measures by Turning Off the Toxic Re-Runs, Changing the Channel, Cutting Off ALL Toxic Ties, and de-KoNing our Home by removing ALL Toxic Trash from the Past, so it doesn't contaminate, damage or destroy our Present that is a True Treasure.

Take a look around, Is there any Toxic Trash from ANYONE from any KoN you have been in? By anyone I mean ANYONE, including the Army of Enablers, what Sister Renee from Luke 17:3 Ministries refer to as The Silent Majority, which are a group of either Damaged or Disordered individuals who are the Toxic Ties, or Strings that the Covert N, Primary Abuser, or Puppet Master pulls in order to keep us as one of his/her Puppets indirectly manipulating & contaminating our lives even when we have NC with the Puppet Master and they are miles, states, or countries away. These Spiritual Ties are hard to cut. Nparents & other dead Ns who are literally rottening in their graves are known to have the power to haunt those they have victimized, because of the Toxic Ties they leave behind. ALL Toxic Ties must be cut. This is a Painful Process, but a Necessary One.

Just a couple of months ago my youngest Sister #2 left a message saying, "Well I guess Letting Go is cutting us off like she did the rest of her Family". This was painful to hear, because my youngest Sister was sort of like a Daughter to me, because I was more like the Loving Mom she never had, taking care of her, and trying my best to protect her from the attacks of the Momster. Due to both of my Sisters continued betrayals, lack of empathy and remorse and contact with the Psycho Parents it is clear that it is not Healthy for me to try and even have a Hallmark Relationship with them. When my Sister #2 made that comment I immediately felt like the Bad Person, that I was doing something Wrong when in Reality it is she who is doing many things Wrong by her Covert Bullying, Harassment, and Guilt Tripping that I am not being a Good Christian, that I am not doing all that GOD asks of me by Forgiving the Psycho Parents who (1) Continue cause Deception & Division (2) Continue to hurt others (3) Lack Empathy & Remorse and (4) Have Not Changed/Repent

As Luke 17:3 teaches us, if someone has hurt us we are to have nothing to do with them, until they have remorse & their behavior shows they have changed. And Forgiveness does not mean a continued or reconciled relationship. My Sister #2 own Desperation has made her Delusional, and she clearly lives in the Land of Denial, and wants others to move there as well, and when I refuse she says that she is in GOD's Will, which means that I am not. She is surrounded by FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt), and she can not see the Psycho Parents for who they really are and desperately wants to believe their Illusion of who they pretend to be at least as far as the Demon Dad goes, the Momster is clearly a mean & toxic person who has destroyed EVERY Relationship she has ever had with anyone who cared about her (excluding the two Damaged, Desperate & Delusional Sisters).

I honestly don't know if my Sisters are Damaged or Disordered or both. It is 6 of one and half a dozen of another which results in the same Toxic Mess, and makes them Unhealthy to be around. Whether or not they are Damaged, Disordered or a combination of both, who they currently are is not Healthy for me or my Family. They don't understand that when you have a Relationship with Evil Beings, you don't change the Wicked Ones, they change you. The very nature of Relationships is identifying and relating to one another, finding things in common, thus sustaining a desire to maintain the relationship. For years I have told my Sisters there I have NOTHING in common with the Momster other than a biological connection and that alone does not a Healthy Relationship make. There is no Reason to have a Relationship with the Momster. She repulses me and I can not stand to be around her. If she was not related to me I would have no contact with her. Two years ago this August I discovered that Family is defined by Love not Biology that along with my Freedom Scriptures, Blessing & Recommendations or Directives from GOD I was able to let the Momster go & release my connection to her.

Whether my Sisters are Changing for the Worst, or their True Nature is being revealed to me I don't know, and I have had to Let that Go too. I don't need to know which one it is because it is not my job to Save them from themselves -- they have a Savior and it is not me! I will continue to pray for them. I will continue to pray for the Truth to be revealed, that Evil Spiritual Strongholds will be broken, and that they will be set free from the Psycho Parents KoNs. I am praying for wisdom and discernment and the right time to show my BIL and my Sister #2 the Demon Dad's last message to us thanks to BIL betraying us by giving the Demon Dad my DH's cell phone number. If proving to them that the Demon Dad is about Deception and Division and hurting others via the message he left us, then my BIL's betrayal can be Forgiven. However if they refuse to accept the Truth about the the Demon Dad, then there is nothing left to say to them, but Good Bye. We can not and will not have a Relationship with People who have a Relationship with Evil Beings. It is not Safe, Healthy, and is against what GOD wants for us.

It is so hard Letting Go -- wink! ;) I do not want to have NC with my Sisters. I would prefer to have a Healthy Loving Relationship, or at least a Hallmark Relationship with them, but that is not possible when they have relationships with Evil Beings who they see as "Normal People with Problems". The Psycho Parents Problem is being Evil. It is not a Personality Conflict. It is about Evil Beings enjoying hurting others. In regards to my Damaged Sisters, and all others who march in the Enabling Army of the KoN, People will not see what they don't want to see no matter what you do or say or show them how it is breaking your heart and destroying your relationship with them. Bottom line is that they care more about the Ns, the Evil Beings than us.

What just occurred to me is that it is easier for Enablers to have a Relationship with Ns then it is with us because we expect others to have Empathy & Remorse, to be accountable and responsible and to them, from their Pathological Perspective we are in fact expecting too much. In Healthy Love reciprocated Relationships that we have with others we are not expecting too much because they expect the same from us. It is only in Toxic Relationships with Toxic People that we are accused of expecting too much from others. We want Toxic People to be Healthy Empathetic Love Reciprocating People, to be something Toxic People don't want to be, or are incapable of being. Enablers (some are covert Ns) and Ns reciprocate Cheap Forgiveness towards one another and to others and expect us to do the same. By Cheap Forgiveness in that they may Request Change, but they don't Require Change. This use to confuse me. My would you Request Change from an Abuser, but not Require Change?

By not Requiring Change from the Abusers, by allowing the Abusers to be Worse than the Enablers, the Enablers (some are covert Ns) can rationalize their Cheap Forgiveness as being "the Better Person" and as we know Ns must ALWAYS feel like they are Better than others. My Sisters giving the Psycho Parents Cheap Forgiveness, thus making them "the Better Person" feeds into their own Narcissism, because they perceive themselves on a higher level. Thus they are not in search of a Healthy Loving Relationship based on equality where everyone is on the same level as one another, because the Enablers get NS (a pay off) for being "the Better Person".

Any one else having a AHA or WOW Moment? I am gaining a deeper understanding of the mind of the Enabler (covert N). Those who know me, know that I am a very Forgiving Person, I give Mercy and Grace, because I have have been given Mercy and Grace. Mercy & Grace was never meant to turn us into doormats and moving targets for Ns. We are not to become a Ns Personal Punching Bag, physically and/or psychologically. That is why we were given Luke 17:3 and other great Scriptures that tell us to rebuke unrepentant abusers/offenders/sinners. When the Overt N and/or his/her Enablers (covert Ns) say "come on just be the Better Person" by giving Cheap Forgiveness by not requiring change they are really telling us, "come on just be a Better Target for the Overt N" that way the Enabler doesn't have to be the Target. Ever turn the tables on the Enablers, after the Overt N has hurt the Enabler have you ever echoed back the same rederick, "come on just be the Better Person" -- they don't like it do they? Why? Because it invalidates them and allows the N to be unaccountable by giving the N Cheap Forgiveness without requiring change which means the N got away w/hurting the Enabler. Notice how the Enabler has an easier time telling you to "be the Better Person" and expects us to just get over it. The Enabler has no problem with the N getting way with hurting us, but when the N does the exact same thing to the Enabler then there the N is a Bad Person. So how do Enablers get over the N not being accountable and continuing to be an Person who lacks remorse, a Bad Person, how do they get over this faster than us? Because they enjoy being "the Better Person" they enjoy seeing themselves as "the Better Person" and if they can't get authentic love from the N then they can get a sense of Superiority of being "the Better Person" and the N will continue to get away with hurting others as long as others keep fooling themselves that they are being the Better Person. We are not being a Better Person only a Better Target.

Ns (Overt Ns) and Enablers (Covert Ns) actually enjoy the Teeter-Totter Relationship of I'm on Top, Oh No You're Not, I'm on Top, -- Oh No You're Not, I'm on Top -- Oh No You're Not, I'm on Top, etc. I will talk about Toxic Tetter-Totters in the next Chapter in the Journey of Letting Go. I know in this Topic on How do you handle Toxic Re-Runs one thing led to another. I guess both People & Items can cause or trigger Toxic Re-Runs and in regards to both we need to process and discern what is healthy to keep and what is toxic and we should let go.

On the topic of items, Mementos of the Past, What is Trash and what is Treasure?

Can I ask you all for some feedback? A couple of years ago before I went NC with the Momster she gave me a box of my Childhood things, old Report Cards she had saved, pictures I had made as a Child. My Childhood was a Dark Nightmare the majority of the time. Whether the majority is 51% or 95% is much debate between my Sisters and myself. To quote the Momster, "It's not like I beat you every day". I understand how my Sisters and my Perception is very different. They only got beat half as much as I did, because I did my best to intercept the Monsters attacks, thus receiving the beatings myself so my percentage of beatings would be higher than theirs, so I guess from their Damaged Perspective, and their lack of Empathy their Childhood was "not that bad". However due to my Empathy, when they got abused it hurt me, so from my perspective our Childhood was closer to the 95% Horrible.

Well enough about the NFOO. When I was looking through the box of my Childhood, I came across this picture I had made when I was a Child of a Daddy Elephant and a baby Elephant with the writing, I am nuts about you.

It is beyond sad to see a Little Girl wanting the love from her Father. Trying desperately to create a love reciprocating relationship. The Demon Dad for those that do not know is a Serial Child Molester, and it is only recently that I have had resurfacing memories that I was also one of his Victims.

I don't know what to do with things from my Childhood. While they are about me and my talents they do keep me connected to these Evil Beings, yet mainly, for the most part in a technical way. Because I can see these items not being about the Ns, but rather about what I created as a Child. My DD saw this picture on a shelf in my bedroom and asked me, Momma did you draw this? -- How in the world would she know to ask that? Maybe because she is a only Child and she knows she didn't draw it, great deduction for a 4.5 yr. old. I told her yes I did draw it when I was little and she said, OH Momma that is soooo Beautiful. This Little Angel has a way of Super Naturally healing the Little Girl within me who drew that picture and reminding me that the picture is not about the Ns, but me, or me as a little girl who drew an Adorable Picture. As a Little Child not much older than my Daughter now I created something Beautiful out of Love and my Little Daughter got to see how her Mommy made something when she was little. She enjoyed seeing what I created when I was Little. We had a tough, yet informative conversation about how I loved my Daddy, but he was a Mean Person, and we don't have to be around Mean People, and we don't have to love Mean People if we don't want to. We don't have to hate them or want to hurt them just not be around them or let them in our Life, because they will just keeping hurting us because that is what Mean People like to do, they like to hurt others. Therefore, we don't have to be around Mean People who want to hurt us.

Don't know what to do with the items I created, Trash or Treasure?


  1. Soaring Dove, are you the eldest child?

    //What do we do when a Bad Re-Run comes on TV? We turn it off, or switch the channel. I know applying that strategy to Memories of the N and his/her KoN is much More difficult, but it is POSSIBLE.//

    great analogy. Thanks for the reminder. :)

  2. Cheshire, thanks for your kind compliment about The Toxic Re-Runs being a great analogy. I really appreciate your feedback and others who take the time to comment.

    Yes, I am the Eldest Child. The Middle Sister is 2 years my junior and the youngest is 8 yrs. my junior. I was more like a Mom to her than a Sister, but that tends to happen a lot with the Oldest and Youngest Child even in Normal Healthy Loving Families. The Difference is that according to the Momster I never did anything right, or Good Enough.

  3. SD, I am also the eldest and I can relate to how you feel. Have you considered that their may be some "competition" with your Mom about you? N-Mothers do that with their daughters sometimes and being the oldest, it probably "triggers" some of their Narcissistic envy. Sadly, we didn't see it that way. We internalized the criticism.

  4. Cheshire, I never saw things that way until a few years ago. My Sister #2 DH once said years ago the Momster is jealous of her Daughters. We all laughed it off, because when you are born and raised in the KoN and your Nparent makes you feel Lesser Than and Not Good Enough the last thing you ever consider is that they are jealous of us. A few years ago my BIL words started to sink in. Ns are not only jealous, they are envious of the ones they attack. They detest us because we are a constant reminder what they are not and can not do, which is Loving People who can Love others. We have Empathy & Remorse, we have a conscience and they do not. Others truly enjoy being around us, but their Ns False Self is only an Illusion, and they know that we are the mask they wear, that their perceived "Good Qualities" don't really belong to them, it is all Counterfeit. We are Authentic and they are a Fraud and that is why they are envious, they detest us and attack us. Here is a post that I wrote that explains things a little more,

    I can joyfully say that I am healed from the Momsters Projected Lies. I know what she said & what she did (the abuse), and the lack of Authentic Love is know reflection of me, but is due because she is an Evil Being. The wounds have been healed, but there are scares (the ugly truth that my BioParents are Sociopaths or Evil Beings).

    Right Now I am rising up from the Ashes of my Past. GOD has taken me WAY out of my Comfort Zone with an Amazing Vision and Mission that my Holy Parent has placed in my Heart. I am the founder of The WOW Connection, WOW stands for Women of Worth. I believe every Woman is created with a Unique Purpose which gives her Intrinsic Value and makes her a Woman of Worth. Our Mission is to Inspire, Encourage and Empower. We are in the process of creating our New Website and we currently have WOW Events going on in CA. We have a Facebook page,

    The WOW Connection is just getting started. I am excited to see what GOD is going to do!

    I use to be a Ghost of a Person, happy and content just to fade in the background. Complete Fear of Public Speaking, but the Lord is changing that and Gosh am I nervous just at the thought of it. The Lord has taught me along with my Friend Amanda's Book Warrior Women Arise that we are not meant to Battle our Giants, but to Conquer them.

    The WOW Connection is a Spiritual Sisterhood where we inspire, encourage, and empower our Sisters to take the Battlefield and Conquer their Giants. I am forever grateful for the Women Warrior I have met on my Healing Journey. Together with Christ we will have Victory over our Painful Past!

    For me it is a Journey out of Nothingness,

    Letting Go

  5. Wow, I feel like I'm finally coming home - finding your website & Luke 17:3 Ministries - these are complete Godsends.
    45 years of insanity with my family and some extended family members, including 17 years of catering to a Narcissistic spouse.
    Some of my family members "joke" that I was adopted & acquaintances would swear that I couldn't possibly be related to them - which I mistakenly took as an insult but now know it was meant as a compliment.
    My family are complete aliens to me and their language is Gibberish.
    I cannot thank you enough :)

    1. Unknown I know how you feel, like a stranger in a strange land. You just don't fit in. The Nparents blame you, others blame you, and then you blame yourself. You put on their lies, and believe that they must be right, and you must be wrong. Perhaps you were told that you were "just too sensitive". It wasn't until many years later that I began to question their perspective. Is it I that is too sensitive, or is it they were are not sensitive enough, and our too calloused? I guess it all depends upon whose perspective you are looking from. With people who lack empathy, remorse, compassion, etc. someone who is very compassionate will appear to them from calloused person as being "just too sensitive". Then I began to see myself through GOD's Loving Eyes, and from the loving eyes of other highly compassionate people, and I saw the Narcissists for who they truly were (calloused people), and not who I wanted them to be. As you said, they are aliens to us, totally different creatures with a human disguise that deceives us into believing that they are like us, which we know from suffering at their wicked hands they are not like us at all.

      I am thankful that this blog as been a blessing, as Luke 17:3 has been a big blessing to me on my journey as well.

  6. I'm so blessed to have finally found this blog.
    I posted yesterday but it must have been lost or not accepted.
    Christmas is now only 10 days away. Hopefully, it will be the last one I spend with my toxic family.
    Every year I prepare my Mother's house (she is not Narcissistic) for Christmas and she buys the food & I prepare it for my very large family. One of my sisters is Narcissistic and I've gone NC with her (except for Christmas Day). The rest of my family are basically her drones and enablers.
    Last year 2 of the drones informed me on Christmas that they & families weren't staying for dinner. This was right as I was putting the $60 roast in the oven. My NS also didn't attend because of "headache".

    So this year I wrote them all a polite email to please let me know whether they would be here for the Christmas dinner. I informed that I would be buying the roast this Sunday (I have no vehicle) so I would need to know before then how many would be coming.

    NS immediately replied to my email as if I were our niece (who has the same first name but different last name & different nickname).
    One of the drone's wife wrote to me about how stupid my NS is (these 2 have a long co-dependent ridiculous relationship that they like to drag me in the middle of & gossip about each other - then report to each what I say). Anyways, I really don't care about how stupid NS is - I just wanted to know whether they'd be here for dinner which I still don't know.
    The other drone & family have completely ignored the email.

    Sorry about the bitchfest - but I really needed to get it off my chest & my mother although non-narcissistic is basically silent on the whole nonsense.

    I know that someday God will bless me with the Christmases I deserve.

    I think I know now why the other post wasn't accepted - had "unknown" for name. I don't really have a blog right now.

    Thanks again for all your great posts & have a wonderful Christmas :)

    1. Elisa, How was your Christmas? I hope you heard from everyone if they were coming or not, and hopefully people helped out, so that you were not doing all the work.

      Oh how I can relate to so much of what you have shared. For years the holidays were at our home. My hubby and I did everything. His Mom provided a couple of dishes, and would help with clean up while everyone else did nothing. Grown adults had to be asked to help out, and if they didn't know dishes needed to be cleaned, dried, and put away and the left overs put away. My hubby and I tried everything to get others involved, assigned duties, "if you didn't cook, then you get to clean". Some people wouldn't even take their own dishes to the sink, where there was soapy water waiting for them to rise the dish off and place it in the dishwasher, so hubby and I decided we were not going to have the holidays at our home, because it was no holiday for us. The holidays went back to the in-laws place, and we asked our parents what they wanted everyone to bring. They knew others wouldn't bring stuff so they had the meal catered. Hubby & I set our boundaries, and did our fair share of the clean up and left the rest to the rest of the grown-ups. Some holidays the in-laws take everyone out to a very nice restaurant.

      To have the Christmas we desire & deserve requires us to be willing to accept change, not in others, because we can not control what others will do or not do, but we can change and set limits, and decide where and with whom we want to spend the holidays with.

      Begin by redefining what Family means to you. For hubby and I Family is defined by Love and not biology. We enjoy being with our Family of Friends where no one tries to take advantage of another person, and everyone has the desire to be a blessing to others and look for ways to help. We enjoy creating a celebration together.

      When we are in an enmeshed dysfunctional family system, aka the Kon (Kingdom of Narcissism) while you are busy meeting everyone else's need, dealing with the toxic drama, etc we never have the time to ask ourselves, "What do I need?" And what I have discovered over time that our needs can change over time. For example, what I first needed in a family unit was for it to be safe as defined by lack of verbal & physical abuse. Overt abuse was not acceptable, but then there is the possibility of covert abuse, and I had to decide that that was not acceptable either. Not only do I not tolerate being abused, I do not tolerate being used, and taken advantage of. I also want to spend my time with people who will reciprocate love. I do not let myself or my child be in a place where people bring others down. I do not go to an environment where I have to be on guard at all times. While we are not responsible for being attacked we are responsible for placing ourselves & our children where we know we will be eventually attacked, because history will repeat itself where unrepentant Ns are around.

      Sounds like family members are use to disrespecting & taking advantage of your Momma, and now she has passed that legacy onto you via you taking over her role. Your Momma couldn't change these people and neither can you, so you might want to ask yourself (as did I) Do I want this for myself and my family?

      My idea for Christmas is not for it to be catered, but I would rather it be catered than me and hubby being disrespected & used by doing most of the work while others sit back and pretend our home is a restaurant. If your family acts like customers, then have your Christmas catered, and have everyone pay for there dinner before hand, so if they do not show up it is their loss.