This article or chapter was inspired by my New Friend who goes by the screen name, Cheshire (to go to her blog, click here) and I was also inspired by all of those People that I have met along my Healing Journey that have had Less Than Loving to Toxic, Mean, Abusive, Harmful, and Evil Parents and have the deep desire to Repair what was done to us, so that we don't Repeat what was done to us to our Children & Loved Ones. We all have the choice to Repair & Heal our wounds, so that we don't Repeat (in any way) hurtful & harmful behavior towards others. We can Replace the Unhealthy, Hurtful, Harmful, Toxic, Bad Way of doing things with Healthy Helpful, Compassionate, Empathetic, Loving Good Ways or Choices.
Repeat or Repair? This is the choice of every Person born and raised in the KoN, and especially those who have become Parents. To Repeat to some degree what was done to us, or to Repair what what was done to us. Unfortunately for various reasons many Children of Narcissists (CoNs) choose to Repeat to some degree what we experienced as a Child. Some Repeat because it is what they know, they don't want to admit their Childhood was horrendous, anything less than Normal, and they justify repeating the past, because if it was "Good Enough for us, then it will be "Good Enough" for our Children. Other CoNs determine to do better than their Abusive Parents and when they Repeat to some degree the Legacy of Abuse they justify it by comparing their behavior to their Nparent and say, my parenting or behavior towards others is "not that bad" or "not as bad" or "not nearly as bad" as the Nparents. Is "not that bad" or "not as bad" or "not nearly as bad" Good Enough for our Loved Ones and Children?
They deserve Better than that. We all do. We all deserve to have the Past NOT Repeat Itself and contaminate, damage, or destroy our relationships with others. When we compare our behavior to the Nparents, NSpouse, NSibling, NFriend, etc we are in the Mode of Repeat at least Repeating to some degree. It is an Unhealthy and Dysfunctional way to live. How is comparing ourselves to someone who is lower than ourselves (the N) going to better our Lives and the Lives of the ones we Love? It is left over baggage or programming from the KoN.
The Ns believe they are Superior thus justifying their abusive behavior towards others and therefore have no desire to change, because they feel there is no need to change and better themselves because they already feel like they are better. Confusing & Circular Reasoning for sure, but that it how the Ns and their KoN works. Deceive, Disorient, and Divide. Ns don't change because of their Pathology, and those that the Ns have Damaged, Repeat instead of Repair due to their Pride. It is an Unhealthy Pride, an Unhealthy Learned Behavior and Thought Process that still justifies by saying "at least I don't (fill in the blank) like the N. I have caught myself in the Past saying this very thing. Doing the Least is not Doing our Best. When Ns, particularly Nparents are held accountable for the abuse they inflicted upon their Children they often reply, "It is The Best I Could Do". Lie! The Abuse we endured was NOT the Best they could do. How do I know this? Because their attacks are Victim Specific. For more details, click here. Simply put, they didn't attack Everyone, only those they knew they could get away with abusing. They gave their best to others and their worst to us. Ns are Pathological Liars and will tell us any lie we are willing to Believe, like they gave us their very best when the truth is they gave us their very worst and saved their best for others (Friends, Supervisors, etc.). It is our Projected Empathy that gets us trapped and believing this lie of theirs. Ns use our very Empathy against us. The N's KoN is about a Two-Way Projection, click here. Ns are truly diabolical. Like a shark they can smell desperation miles away -- states away in the case of my Sisters.
Where does our desperation come from? Wanting to believe that the N loves us. It is very painful to admit the Person we love does not love us, especially if that other Person in your Parent, and especially if that other Person is your Mother. As with the Casey Anthony Trial, Society can not accept that a Mother does not love her own Child and enjoys hurting her Child and would actually think that Life is Beautiful after the Momster murdered her Little Daughter. Evil continues because the World is afraid to admit it exists. Children don't want to admit their Parents are Evil. I have two Sisters that in spite of what they have experienced themselves, witnessed, and know about the Psycho Parents they still refuse to admit our BioParents are Evil and they put the lives of their own Children in Danger. It is their Desperation that causes their Delusion that Psycho Parents have changed and are safe to be around not only for them, but for their own Children. This is why Unhealthy Pride is a Deadly Sin. There are two kinds of Prides, a Healthy one & an Unhealthy one. The tricky thing with Pride is that it is very deceptive and for most People it is hard to distinguish the Healthy from the Unhealthy. I have made that mistake many times. From what I have observed there is a fine line between Unhealthy Pride and Pathology. The difference is between Confidence and Conceited. Many People will mistakenly identify the N's Conceited, Self-Centered, Self-Absorbed, Narcissism as Confidence when it is really Pathology and not Pride they are detecting. Another distinction between Healthy Pride vs. Unhealthy Pride is the difference between Assertiveness vs. Aggressiveness. Healthy Pride is Assertive, Confident, and Empathetic opposed to Unhealthy Pride that is Aggressive, Conceited, and Apathetic & Lacking Empathy.
One of the Great Gifts GOD gives us is Discernment. Deuteronomy 32:28 describes the state of the World, "They are a nation without sense, there is no discernment in them." The N's KoN is fueled by our lack of Discernment. It is essential to know what Authentic Love is so that we can discern it from the Counterfeit kind the Ns offer to us. It is only after began my own Personal Relationship with Christ Jesus that I was able to begin to discern the difference. The closer I got to the Lord the more I was able to discern Authentic Love from the Counterfeit. Worldly Knowledge will only explain the KoN so far because it is based on limited understanding of what the fuels the N's KoN and makes it so diabolically powerful. It is not our Cognitive Discernment, but our Spiritual Discernment that will prevent us from getting into another N's KoN.
It is that Holy Discernment that tells those that have been Damaged by the N to not only Repair & Heal, but to Replace all that we were taught in the KoN. Without Holy Discernment we allow our Pride to deceive us into believing since we are not being "as bad" we are "doing our best" and it is "good enough" when it is not. My Sisters yell & scream at their Children, or talk harshly to them. They justify it by saying, "We are just loud People and that's how we talk." I am not perfect. I have gotten frustrated and lost my temper and yelled, talked in less than loving tone, and have reflected upon how I said something and concluded that was harsh. Difference is that I set my Pride aside and allowed the Holy Spirit to convict me, I had remorse, I was humble and apologized and repented. I did not justify and deflect responsibility and blame others not even a defiant argumentative Child. Sure attitude was terrible, but mine did not have to match hers or be worse to get her attention. When we justify less than loving behavior by comparing our behavior to the N's we are in a Mode or State of Repeat rather than Repair. It connects the Painful Past to the Present and contaminates our Future and the Future of our Children, because it becomes their Normal and they too will Repeat until they Repair and Replace. So how do we stop the Legacy of Abuse? How do we get off the Toxic Train that has a Destination of Dysfunction?
When the conductor (covert N) call out, "all on board" we must refuse to get on Board with everyone else. We must be brave & courageous to go against the crowd and fight through all the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) that they create in order for us to stay with them & just get on board. We got to face rejection & abandonment when they get on board and head off to Destination Dysfunction. We have got to give them our old baggage and tell them to take it with them, yes I know you gave it to me, but it doesn't suit me anymore. Prepare ourselves for the retaliations & attacks. The covert attack aka Guilt Trip that has the intent to change our mind and hold on to the baggage they gave us for sentimental reasons, after all you better hold on to it because you never know when you might need it. If the covert attacks do not work then the direct attacks begin making us feel lesser than and out of fear & insecurity we can be tempted to hold on to the old baggage. We can not get hooked into the fight with having to explain ourselves. Look out for that last minute, and last second FOG rolling in that the old baggage "was the best we could do for you". Just say to those who are all on board the N-train that it is their choice to keep the old baggage and they can have ours too, because we don't need it any more. We plan to Travel light from here on out, baggage free. As the passengers of the N-train get comfortable in each of their compartments it will seem like they are turning their backs on you and they are because they are heading towards Destination Dysfunction & Disaster. You will feel like you are being left behind and from their perspective, from their point of view from where they are sitting heading towards a different Destination in their mind you are being left behind.
However escaping the KoN is about seeing Reality from a Different Perspective and Point of View. It is not about being Left Behind but Letting Go. It is about knowing where the N-trains leads and not wanting to go their anymore. It is about making one of the greatest choices in your Life and leaving the Past Behind. At the Station it is not only about knowing where you don't want to go, but discovering where you do want to go. It is about interacting with others, sharing your Life with others and listen about the Experiences of others where they have come from and where they are going in Life. It is about observing others heading off in the Right Direction. It is about Trusting others because they are Authentic Loving People, because they have Honor, Integrity, Empathy, Compassion, they Love GOD and it shows. They follow the Son and they shine so brightly that they can help us out of the darkness. As we get on board we notice their Train is headed in a completely opposite direction. In each compartment we notice Chaos is absent and Peace is Present. It is unusual, not familiar to what we have been accustomed to and at first it is uncomfortable & strange, because we don't recognize it as Normal. It is a New Normal. A Healthy & Loving Normal and it take a little bit to get use to, but once we settle in we realize it is wonderful. Some times we can get a little nervous because nothing Toxic has happened for awhile and we can't see anything Toxic coming so we get a little afraid that something unexpectedly horrible is going to happen that we are not prepared to handle. But we are lovingly reminded that we are no longer on board the Toxic Train. We on the Authentic Love Train. Destination Land of Love (LoL). We can get use to the Love Train. We can get so fully on Board that it becomes our New Normal, and when a Toxic Train passes along the side of us heading in the opposite direction their is no temptation what so ever to join them, because no matter how much fun they look like they are having we know looks are deceiving on the N train and we know they are all headed for Destination Dysfunction & Disaster. We have complete Peace, because they can go their way and we will go our's.
It is when we have left the N and his/her KoN behind us that we take our eyes off of Ns and place them on Loving & Healthy People who have Empathy, Compassion, Respect for others and when they mess up they have Responsibility & Accountability for what they have done, are Remorseful, do not enjoy hurting others and therefore, change/repentant because their desire is to Love One Another. We learn by their Loving, Compassionate, Empathetic, Healthy Examples. Loving & Healthy People do not continue to hurt others. Loving & Healthy People facilitate Loving & Healthy Relationships that are enjoyable & peaceful and not filled w/constant or even intermittent chaos, stress, pain, & hurt caused by a N.
When you are born and raised in the KoN Loving & Peaceful Relationships don't seem possible, just a Dream, but they are not, they are a Reality. To fully Recover from the KoN to Repair so that we don't Repeat we must become Goal Oriented People, Visionaries, and Imagine a Life completely different than the one we knew in the KoN. We must also become investigative researchers and dissect the KoN piece by toxic piece. What was done to you that was Toxic, Hurtful & Harmful, Repair it. Then you have to Replace the Unhealthy with Healthy stuff. Books, Articles, Counselors, and Therapist can significantly help to facilitate Cognitive Change to clean out the bad brainwashing from the Ns, but Changing the Mind Set will only take you so far. Our Souls were deeply wounded by the N and it is when our Souls are Completely Healed & Repaired that we will not Repeat even in the smallest degree of what was done to us by the N. Who can completely Heal and Repair the Damaged Soul? I have had some great Counselors & Therapist, but their skills were limited to the human ability thus creating a Ceiling Effect to my Healing. It is when I opened up my Heart & Soul to my Creator, My Holy Parent, The Great Counselor that the deepest of my Soul Wounds were Healed and Repaired.
In the KoN a Child learns to survive by creating a Protective Fortress around her heart. There is a Side Effect to having this Fortress around your heart because it does not allow you to be as Empathetic as GOD created you to be. If we leave the KoN w/the Fortress around our Heart it will prevent us from connecting deeply with others. It will get in the way. No matter how close someone wants to get to us as long as we have a Fortress we will have a barrier between us and close contacted will be limited, especially a very close soul contact. Along my Healing Journey the Lord spoke to me about installing a Draw Bridge to allow certain Trustworthy People inside. How can I know just who to Trust? We have a Helper, the Holy Spirit. We have the Gift of Discernment. Having a Draw Bridge helped me for many years, until the Lord said it is time to take down the Fortress. Are you kidding me! If I have no Fortress, then I have No Wall of Defense & I will get deeply hurt again. What I discovered it is not about Trusting Others not to hurt me as much it is Trusting GOD to protect me to help me make wise choices in regards to relationships and when I come across a Counterfeit, a Deceiver, a N, then I can Trust my Holy Parent to heal the wounds the N has caused. I no longer fear getting hurt because I know Jesus has healed me and will continue to heal me. Being Vulnerable is not easy, but it is necessary so that our Loved ones can make deep Soul Connections with us and through these deep Soul Connections we are not only Healed, Repaired, Restored, but Transformed. It is Impossible to Repeat because we have been Transformed and even though we have come from Ns we are not of them, we are of GOD, and we can not stand to hurt others in any way. I can not hurt the ones I love because I am Soul connected to the ones I love. I have severed the Toxic Ties from the Ns, so my Past does not contaminate my Present or damage or destroy my Future.
It is not Good Enough to just Repair the damage that was done to us. We have to do more than heal from our wounds in order to avoid Repeat causing any type or size of wounds to others. It is not Good Enough or Productive Enough to know what not to do in regards to treating others, or more importantly raising Children we need to know what the Healthy, Productive, Loving Thing is to do. It is NOT easy being a Parent. I thought due to my degree in Psychology, Professional & Personal background experiences interacting w/Children would prepare me for being a Parent and I have heard many People say, "Just wait until you have your own Children. It's different when the Child is your own." To say they were Right is a Huge Understatement. I have heard one person say, "that when you become a Parent your heart lives on the outside". Talk about Living your Life w/out a Fortress. The Deep Soul Connection you have with your Child is like no other. It is not something that can be acquired. It is either there or it is not there as with Nparents -- it's just not in there because they are Soulless Creatures. This Deep Soul Connection is Amazing. Nothing in Life has the ability to give you Greater Joy or Pain then your Child. When your Relationship with your Child is going Great it is Fantastic, but when it is not it can make ya lose your Mind.
Authentic Love is a very powerful thing. I foolishly thought all I had to do is Love my Child and my Love for her motivate her, encourage her, inspire her to make the right choices because she would know that my desire is to always have her best interest at heart. No matter how much we teach our Children Right from Wrong, so matter if they understand what the Right Choice is, they still have the temptation to make the Wrong Choice and we must give them that Freedom to make the Wrong Choices and Learn from the Consequences of those Wrong Choices.
When our Children make the Wrong Choices we must realize it was their choice, it is what People call the Sin Nature. We can prepare our Children that they will be tempted to make the Wrong Choice, and warn them about the Consequences of making the Wrong Choice would be, but even when we prepare them, they still will make the Wrong Choice. What we can do is pray that they learn that their Wrong Choice was a Mistake and wont do it again. Just like with us, our Children are going to repeat their Mistakes until they learn from them. Life is one Learning Experience after another.
What I have learned these past 4 years of being a Parent (and I am sure that there is much more for me to learn) is that it is not only what I am teaching my Little Daughter, but what she is teaching me and what we are learning together. At times I don't know who the Student is and who the Teacher is and I think that is a Very Good Thing, because I don't want my Daughter to think I am Perfect "a know it all" and that she is expected to be Perfect. Life is about Progression not Perfection! That applies to us all, young and old, Child & Parent. The Reality of it is that my Daughter & I are both Students in GOD's Classroom of Life.
I have learned that I don't have to have all the answers and that is okay because GOD has them. If I mess up, I can admit it, be remorseful, repentant, and ask my Child for Forgiveness. It is not hard for her to do it (most of the times) because she has seen Mommy & Daddy make mistakes & ask for Forgiveness from her and one another. I know not just in my Mind, but deep in my Soul that my Daughter's mistakes are her own to make and learn by. I don't have to take them Personal and think I failed in some way to teach her Right from Wrong, or that the rest of her Life will be ruined because she made this certain mistake or even repeated a mistake.
Repeated mistakes are the worse, because as a Parent we know our Child is Smart and has a great ability to learn, but it is only when our Child gains Wisdom does she decide not to repeat the mistake and avoid it in the future. When I feel myself getting disappointed or frustrated I have to remind myself she is in the Process of Gaining Her Wisdom & Hopefully next time she will make the Right Choice. The Parent's job is to teach and the Child's job is to learn. It is her choice if she wants to Learn or Not. It is her choice if she wants & desires to have Applied Knowledge, because Knowledge w/out Application is just Information. It is in the Application of Knowledge that Wisdom is Achieved.
So how do we inspire, encourage, and empower our Children to apply their Knowledge and make the Right Choices? It is a lot easier said than done as any Parent can testify.
Let's talk about a common Situation, so common, this Situation is that it goes back, way back, and has roots in the Garden of where the First Man and Woman lived in Paradise. You all know the Story. Man and Woman live in a Perfect Paradise created by a Loving & Holy Parent GOD. Since Adam & Eve are the first People GOD is their Loving & Holy Parent. Their Holy Parent created a Beautiful Place for them to grow up. Safe, Secure, Peaceful & Joyful. They had Everything, wanted and needed Nothing. Then along came the Serpent and lied to them. Created doubt in their minds, Did GOD say. . . and that Doubt led to disobedience & sin and Man & Woman have been sinning ever since. We call it The Great Fall.
So what happens when our own Child take a Great Fall, it could be anything, like lying. I remember when my Daughter started lying. And how hard that was. I thought if I handle this lying thing the "Right Way" then she will never lie to me again. She will know Right from Wrong and therefore she will choose Right -- Right?
I shared this with two Older Women in my Church and one of them shared an experience that she had w/her Daughter was in College and she had lied to her parents, and the consequence was since she betrayed their trust she lost her privileges of having a car in college for the rest of the year. She had to hand over the keys and car to her parents. She begged and pleaded that her Parents would change their minds, but they had to stay firm or she would not respect their authority. So even growing up in a Loving Supporting Nurturing Family will not prevent our Children from choosing to lie. It is something each individual must be delivered from by being convicted that lying hurts relationships and is harmful. Lying is a Common thing in this World, some would say a Normal thing, but it is not a Good & Healthy Thing. It is not Neutral nor harmless, because it does in fact hurt others both the person being lied to and the person telling the lie given the Person has a Conscience and is not a N who actually enjoys lying.
No matter if your Child is 28, 18, or 8 she will always be your Child and you want to do Right by her by helping her make the Right Choices in Life, because you Love her and you want what is Best for her, and for her to be Blessed. So how do we teach our Children Right from Wrong? Not because we want them to "Follow the Rules", but so that their Life can be everything GOD Planned it to be. Jeremiah 29:11
Okay She lied to me? Now what? I have the choice to Repeat or Repair what was done to me by my Parents. If you had Loving Parents then there really isn't anything to Repair only Enhance and make Better. Life is about Progression not Perfection. None of us our Perfect therefore it is impossible for us to be Perfect, but we each have a Loving Holy Parent who can guide us that we can achieve Progression not only in our own Lives, but in the Generations that come after for many years long after our Life here on Earth is over . For the choices we make now will effect many Generations. The Holy Handbook tells us that the sins of the Father (including Mother) are passed down to 3 to 4 Generations. The Sin in Generations 3 & 4 may not be "As Bad" as it was with Generations 1 & 2, but "Not As Bad" is not Good. We can do better. With GOD we will do better. That is Progression.
Back to the topic of lying, betrayal of trust and other hurtful & harmful choices. Okay Lord she lied to me. My Beautiful Child lied to me -- what do I do? If we start here we are on the Road to Repair and Progression. However, if we react to Sin or any Situation w/out first seeking our Loving Holy Parent's guidance then we are on the Road to Regression, the Road to Repeat, and the Road to Regret, which leads to Remorse and Repentance, so it is not our Child that has to Repentant before GOD, but us as well. When something is challenging in Life, like our Child lying, or any other Bad Choice, or any Choice we have to make for ourselves, and we tell ourselves, or better yet tell our Holy Parent, that's okay GOD, I got this, I know what to do, I don't need your assistance, don't need your help, really I'm in control, I know what to do -- this is a very Good Time for Doubt! This is a Good Time to check in with our Holy Parent, and just run it by our Holy Parent who is also our Best Friend and Loves our Child even more than us. And in regards to the choices we make, GOD loves us even more than we love or care for ourselves. Therefore, check in with GOD first before making any choices. We are to have Respect & Reverence for GOD, but not fear that prevents us from approaching praying and communicating w/our Holy Parent. Just like you were talking w/your Best Friend or a Loving Parent, share talk to GOD
Lord this is what I was thinking. . . . so what do you think?
The Holy Handbook tells us that the ways of the Lord is not our ways. We can not lean onto our own understanding, if we do, we are bound to mess things up and make them worse. This is what happens when we lean onto our own understanding. We reach for what we know. We rely on past experiences and we pull for our own Bag of Tricks. . .
Here are some things we pull from:
School Bag: This is the Academic Approach. The Scholar Mom or Dad. I am going to do better than my Parents. I am not going to Repeat their mistakes. I have done my homework & research, so my knowledge is updated. I have listened to the Best Minds of this World. Let's see here (pull out book) according to this book, or this article from this very knowledgeable person Lying is Normal, Shows your Child has independent Thought, etc, etc, and is "A Good Thing". (turn to child, okay Honey according to this Lying is a Good Thing, so go on with what you are doing, because you are Normal and you are doing just fine as you are, nothing to worry about). Fast forward a few years, Where do you think this will lead? . . . .
What kind of Future does your Child have when Lying becomes Normal & Natural and s/he thinks it is actually a Good Thing? When we accept lying from our Children, down play, or under estimate the severity, and think No Harm Done, then do you think lying will naturally decrease or increase over time?
This year I asked GOD how do I teach my Child what sin is like even what the World refers to as "little sins", and the Lord led me to the Garden, my Garden and as my little Daughter and I were enjoying our plants & flowers in our Garden this past Spring we talked about snails and how they damage and destroy the plants and flowers. We talked about getting rid of the snails in our Garden before they continue to destroy things. These Snails are analogous to Sin. A Friend of mine and I refer to them as Little Sinners. There are various methods to get rid of these Little Sinners that destroy our Garden. Even to this day, if I step on a snail and hear that crush I cringe due to my high level of Empathy or all GOD's creatures, even those Little Sinners. My Daughter said that I could only step on the Big Snails, but not the tiny baby snails. I had to explain to her that baby snails still make holes in the plants and flowers and damage them and they grow up to become Large Snails that create even Larger Damage and Destroy our Plants & Flowers. So if these tiny snails cause smaller holes and damage, then the Big Snails is that a Good & Healthy thing for the Plants & Flowers? No. What they do is not a Good Thing and is Harmful, so should we allow them to continue on their way to cause even greater damage and hurt things?
If our Children learn that we don't take lying serious, we down play, or underestimate the damage then like the Little Snails aka Little Sinners, they keeping naturally growing Larger, multiple, and the damage they cause spreads. One lie leads to another and another. Maybe not right away. but eventually, or perhaps the continual lying goes on, but we don't find out right away so we mistakenly conclude that our Child did not lie right away when in fact s/he has and it is only now that they were caught in a lie. Not only does one lie lead to another but it also grows in size over time. When our Children are not caught telling a lie they think, oh I got away with it and they continue to tell more lies. Who else will our Children lie to? Their Friends, Teachers, Employers, Government, and GOD. The thing with Lying it is Not a Good Thing. Like All Sin it is Very Toxic and one sin leads to another Sin and another SIN. And the more we SIN the farther we are from GOD and the farther we are from GOD the closer we are to Hell. Hence we ALL need a Savior to save us from ourselves. Especially in an upside & backwards World, where Good is Bad and Bad is Good. And it is harder than ever to discern Right from Wrong.
Okay so what else do we have in our School Bag, there are books and articles about Discipline. One says one thing and one says another? In regards to Lying or any other Bad Choice, Restriction is best. Well how do I know this to be True? Sounds Good. Actually is sounds Real Good, Fair and Familiar. Where have I heard that before? Any time we are reading from one book we need to weigh it against the sound advice from the Holy Handbook, GOD's Book. This Author knows what They are talking about. This Author knows what S/HE is talking about. (we were created in the image of GOD, hence GOD has both characteristics/attributes of Man & Woman, Father & Mother, and Parent GOD transcends gender as we know it).
Well how long should Restriction Last? And what does it included? When we look in the Holy Handbook, Adam & Eve were restricted from Paradise. They lost ALL their privileges. Just a few months ago a Neighbor's twin boys took their truck onto a dirt road, drove way to fast, and rolled the truck. The one brother had to bust out the window to rescue his unconscious twin brother.
Praise GOD the boys were okay and only walked away with scraps. The insurance replaced the totaled truck, and the parents bought a new truck. The new truck is newer, has less, miles and is an upgrade from what the Parent drives. So what was the consequence of the Twins Bad Choice to drive dangerously and put their own lives as well as the life of their Friend who was a passenger in danger? Nothing. My darling husband and I pointed out that the boys should be driving the older truck and one of the Parents should be driving the upgrade. So what did the boys learn? Mind you they are only 17 or 18, so what they learn is that they can make Bad Choices, even put their lives and and lives of others in danger and not only will there be no consequence, they could even get an upgrade out of it! Hopefully what my dear husband & I said to our Neighbor sinks in and takes root and she at least gives her boys the older truck. Now if they were our boys, their consequence would be Total Restriction and they definitely wouldn't get a better car or truck to drive then the one their parents drive.
How long should Restriction Last? Surely a Life-Time is too long. GOD sent Jesus to be our Bridge to Reconciliation. Jesus is our Savior from ourself. The first step in having a Savior is obeying the Holy Spirit that leads us to the realization that we ALL need a Savior. So in regards to Sin, any Sin, like Lying, we need to come to the Realization it was wrong, not just in Words but in Deeds. Actions speak louder than Words. One action that is necessary for Salvation is Regret, followed by Remorse, followed by Repentance a Total Change of Behavior. How do we know that a Person is truly Repentant? Again the Holy Handbook says, by the Fruit we will know them. Click Here. Repentance is not about Religion, it is about Relationship. We turn away from Sin and towards Jesus. It is the Love of Jesus that draws us to Repentance to Change, not Religion and not Rules. When we Love Jesus more than we love our Sin we are changed. We are Transformed. I use to cuss. I didn't drop the F-bomb a lot and use it like an adjective in every sentence to express myself. I wasn't "that bad", but what I was doing was not good. My Relationship w/Jesus has transformed me and I no longer cuss or swear. Did this happen over night? No. It was a Progression. Will it ever happen again? Will I forever stop cussing and never say a swear world -- that would be closer to Perfection, and as I would like to think that is possible, to never cuss or swear ever again I do know humans are Not Perfect. If or when I slip, I will have regret, remorse, and repentance and restoration through Jesus Christ . Jesus gave us a Helper called the Holy Spirit, so on the topic of Restriction, and How long should it last? Pray that the Holy Spirit will lead your Child to Regret, Remorse, Repentance, and then the Restoration of his/her Privileges, not because their Behavior is Right, but because their Heart is Right, not because of the Rules, but because of the Relationship, the Trust is Restored. How do we restore Trust once it has been broken? I will get to that a little later in the Repair Section.
Before I go on I want to talk about the other options we as Parents have available to us that fall under the Repeat Approach. The next Bag we can pull from is the Recycled Bag.
(pull out old dusty cob web covered book from a brown recycled paper bag). This is the Recycled Approach, aka The Old School Method. Let's see what we have here. Some of the stuff in here is Time Tested and True because it lines up with what is found in the Holy Handbook. I want to be very clear that just because something is Old, doesn't make it Bad. If you had Loving Righteous Parents, Righteousness due to their Relationship w/Jesus not Religion w/People (Religious, memorizing Scriptures & High Church Attendance, etc), then what you have to pull from is of Healthy & Loving Substance and you should continue to do what is Helpful, Loving, Right & Good. But then there is stuff that can be found in the Recycled Bag that is not so Good and very Harmful and is found in the Tattered Bag.
Pulling things from this Tattered Bag you will find distorted and very ugly stuff. Using the things from here turn us into the Ugly Mom or Dad. It sounds something like this, I brought you into this world and I will take you out of it. The threat of murdering our Child is NEVER a Good Thing, even if we think or say, "well I was only joking". This is just the beginning. It is a small sample of what is to come, there is more. Lets see here, here is a book, 101 Ways to Damage your Child, "spank them until they are sweet". Place that book, Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ted Tripp, in the Trash. I don't know what Ted's Trip is but what he advocates is Damaging a Child's Heart and Soul, so it goes in the Trash w/the rest of the Garbage. For more details, click here. Let's see what else we have in this Tattered Bag, (pull out a bar of soap and tooth brush). Did your parents use these? When I was a child I used the S-word, sh*t -- I wonder where I got that from? Where did I hear that & other things like that? My Parents used this word as well as many other cuss & cursing words, not to mention all the verbal abuse, so Hypocrites were the least of what they were to their Children. This brings me to the next container available that we can pull from which is the Witches Pot.
What type of People or Beings create things with this container? Witches and Warlocks. Monsters & Demons. These are Evil Beings, they don't just do evil things -- they are evil things!
For those who don't know My BackStory is one of Abuse due to both Parents (along w/other People who I N-countered) I endured every type of Abuse. So here I was playing with a little "friend" of mine in her backyard thinking we were all big stuff by using "potty words" and calling each other names like pooh pooh face, pee pee head, and the S-word was stated. My "friend" went running to her Mom telling her what I called her. Now she also called me the same names, so lesson learned although "friends" will also do Bad Things they will put the blame on you. You are not safe when you are sinning with "friends". She tells her Mom and her Mom tells the Momster. The Momster's public image of being a "Good Mom" was threaten due to my imperfect behavior, so we got home she washed my mouth out with soap. That in and of itself was terrible, but it gets worse, there was lots of verbal & emotional abuse along with some physical abuse, and I had to stand there with soap in my mouth until my Dad got home which was most likily over an hour, seemed like forever. I remember looking at the clock counting down the time, and he when the time passed for him to come home I thought I was going to pass out. I was chocking on the soap pieces, gaging and throwing up, and then the Momster placed more soap pieces in my mouth by scrapping the bar of soap against my teeth so the pieces and shavings would remain in my mouth. The Momster made an example of me by showing my younger Sister who was two years my junior, this is what will happen to you "if you say bad things, cuss or lie". I remember the horrified expression on my little Sister's face, and she got upset, but fought back the tears, because she knew that having any Empathy for me, her suffering Sister, would be seen as a betrayal to the Momster, and she then would be the next target of abuse. As saliva and soap mixed up in my mouth bubbles started to form, and so to break the tension and take the focus off of my little Sister so she wouldn't be the next target of abuse, to keep her safe from harm, I blew out a bubble and my little sister began to laugh, and the Momster laughed, so I blew out some more bubbles. I learned that if I could get the Momster distracted by laughter or anything else the escalated abuse would stop. The Momster was literally having a laugh at my expense. I at least prevented my little sister from being abused and from the physical abuse I was getting to escalate into a full out beating. Now you would think that the Momster would be in a good mood, because she is now enjoying herself and feels good inside and maybe she might remove the soap from my mouth, but she didn't. Total lack of empathy. She made me stay with soap in my mouth until the Dad got home. He did not approve of these "Old School Methods" which was really Abuse Methods. Anytime he was around he would not allow the Momster to abuse us. Sounds great right? Well when the Momster was not around his choice of abuse was sexual, and that is why he is the Demon Dad. The Demon Dad is a Serial Child Molester. In the mind of a Child, the type of abuse the Demon Dad did to all of his Daughters was "not as bad" as what the Momster did to us because his abuse did not physically hurt to the extent that the Momster's, but it still created extreme damage none the less. It forever destroyed the Child we were and the Women we were meant to be and the relationships we were suppose to have w/our husbands that were not contaminated by haunting memories of past incest.
The Momster would beat us with anything she could fine. Often she would have us bring the item to her that she would beat us with and when we didn't want to or hesitated to bring her her chosen weapon, or refused to do it we got a horrible beating. An old lady once told the Momster that her parents made her go to the tree outside and break off their own branch, and if it broke on the first wack she had to go back out, and break off another stick to bring it back to her Parent to use against her. The Momster loved this idea and adopted it as her own a few times, but resorted back to beating us with her own closed or open hand because the Momster's evil desire to physically feel her hand strike her little Children. She liked the evil sensation from the pain she caused us because being evil makes her feel good. She desired the physical contact of causing pain to her Children. The Momster is an evil NVamp that feeds off of the pain of others. This is pure evil.
I have swatted my child's bottom in the past, nothing that would even resemble what the Momster did to me, and while my Daughter was over the swat in 10 minutes I was completely recked for 10 days. I know that swatting a Child on their bottom is a Normal & Recommend Method to use, but I don't use it anymore. The message it sends is that, because you did something wrong, being defiant, I am going to cause you physical discomfort or pain. That never set well in my Spirit and I have wrestled with this for a while now and heard both sides, and I don't have Peace with it so I can not do it nor recommend it.
While the Momster was abusing us or right before she would start beating us she would say, "Why did you make me do this?" Now fast forward a few years, Is it any wonder that one of my Sisters dated physically abusive boyfriends, and then eventually married an abusive person? The Good News is that over 20 years of marriage to her abusive spouse, after several attempts of leaving him and going back, he has told her that he does not want to be a Husband or Father anymore and just wants to live the single life. My Sister made a step she has never done before which is she filed for divorce and is moving back to the State where the Momster and Demon Dad reside. Please Pray for my Sister that she has not gone from the frying pan into the fire by moving her children (including 2 young girls) into the Demon Dad's lair. Pray for a hedge of protection over the Children and Discernment for my Sister and even though she has hurt me in the past, please pray that she gets the help she needs to heal from the pain from the past and that she will have tools to build a Healthy Relationship with me. To have a Loving Healthy Relationship with my Sisters is always my Hope but I know it is not possible as long as the Psycho Parents are in their lives causing deception and divisions among us Sisters. Thank You for your Prayers.
Throughout my Horrific Childhood the Momster went from being a self-proclaimed Christian, Atheist, Agnostic, back to Atheist for most of my Childhood and Adult years, about a decade ago she is once again a self-proclaimed Christian "because there must be GOD because He gave [her] such great Grandkids". Grandkids are a N's or Sociopaths favorite source of NSupply. It is all about her desire and need for adoration, for others to literally look up and adore her, because it is the closest thing to worshiping the ground she walks on -- who does that should like to you? My Sisters and I of course in the mind of the Momster were "bad kids" or "not warm & loving like the Grandkids" because we did not adore her. How can you expect a child to adore something or someone they fear? GOD does not want us to fear our Holy Parent. Fear is a reaction to danger, something Unhealthy and Harmful and Abusive. One of my many understandings & sayings is that, Where there is Love there is no Abuse where there is Abuse there is no Love. Therefore Love can not grow from Fear. Much gets lost in translating the Bible. The word for Fear in the Bible is from a Hebrew and Greek word meaning Reverence & High Respect, NOT Fear. We are to Reverence GOD Not Fear our Holy Parent like we would an Abusive Parent.
While she was abusing me, the Momster would also inflict Spiritual Abuse, twisting Scriptures, saying I had to honor and obey her just because she was my Mother. We do not have to honor our Toxic Abusive Parents, click here, to find out how to get rid of the FOG (Fear, Obligation Guilt) from years of brainwashing from Toxic Parents that keep us trapped in their KoN (Kingdom of Narcissism). We do have options. We do have choices that are Righteous, Biblically Based, and Blessed by a Loving & Holy Parent GOD. The Momster did her best to say that she was speaking for GOD, that abuse towards us is GOD approved. The Momster did her very best to blame GOD for all the evil in the World, yet she could not recognize evil in her. She raised us to believe that we had an apathetic GOD, and worst that GOD did not exist, and was only for the weak. It is convenient for an Evil Being to say there is no GOD, and abuse their little children, because the Evil Beings believe that no one sees them abuse us and they will get away with their abuse, and can deny their abuse that it will be their word against ours, and since they don't abuse others and can even be real nice to others, People believe the Evil Beings over the innocent Children.
The Demon Dad continues to deceive others through Scripture and uses my Sister's faith against them and guilt them into Forgiving him when he has confessed to nothing, therefore there is nothing he can be Forgiven for because is not own up to the crimes he has done. He can deny & hide his crimes in darkness, but GOD's Holy Light will expose them on the Demon Dad's Judgement Day and the Demon Dad, his Wife and the Momster can keep each other company in Hell. That is not my word, but GOD's on People who lack remorse, lack a conscience, enjoy hurting others, lie to cover up their crimes, don't regret what they have done, and don't repentant or change and continue to hurt others. Research the Holy Handbook about Unrepentant Sinners, if GOD will have NO Contact with them -- do you really think a Holy Parent would want us to have contact with Beings who enjoy hurting others because they lack Empathy & Remorse and a Conscience?
It is 3 Great Miracles that all 3 Sisters are Christians. It is GOD's Amazing Grace.
How did this happen when the odds were so very against us?
In the Nightmare of our Childhood, GOD brought Amazing Christians into our Life. They brought such a Beautiful Light of Hope that Life could be VERY different not only for the People we have in our Lives, but especially our own Life. The very first person I met who was so bright and cheerful who when you look in her eyes you see the Love of Jesus looking back at you, and her name was Patricia Orange we called her Pat and I know Jesus calls her Friend and our Holy Parent calls her Beloved Daughter. She was my very first inspiration and some day I will have to write a Chapter about My First Inspiration, Pat Orange.
So fast forward out of the Horrific Nightmares of my Childhood, I graduate from High School knowing the calling the Lord has given me to help others, went to College to earn a degree in Psychology, and along the way I know I have to heal from the Pain of the Past, so the Lord led me to some great counselors and therapists, and more Amazing Christians as well as Different Believers and Non-Believers that had & have a Loving Heart. To this day I continue to have a diverse group of Friends. The most Amazing Love did come from Amazing Christians who are truly Friends of Christ, and they not only know about Him they have the Spirit of GOD in them. There are Counterfeit Christians who are Christians in name only who give Truly Amazing Christians a bad name, I have met my share of these Counterfeits, because every church has them. The Counterfeits are the N in Sheep's Clothing. There are Ns in every Religion, and there are N's who are Agnostics & Atheists, I have met my share of those too. I have met Loving People from various backgrounds. It was due to the Amazing Christians, the Amazing Love towards me that led me to Christ, and after learning about Christ I wanted to seek my own personal Relationship (not Religion) with Him.
It was due to Amazing Christians that led me to a Personal Relationship with Jesus where the Impossible became Possible and I am set Free from the Pain of the Past, and I am Completely Healed from the Past. I am not defined by what happened to me. The only time I think about the Horrible Past is when I am writing about it. The Memories are there, but they don't have the power to ruin my month, week, day, or even the afternoon. I have not only been Repaired & Restored, but Transformed. Again Life is about Progression not Perfection. I am not Perfect, but I have Perfect Peace & Blessed Assurrance that I will not Repeat the Abuse, because I have Replaced it with Christ's Amazing Love. I have tons of Empathy for others, especially my Daughter and I love her too much to Repeat what was done to me. Have I made mistakes? Yes, every Loving Normal and Honest Parent will admit to making mistakes and not always getting it right, but when I get it wrong, even just a tiny bit, I have Empathy & Remorse, I am convicted and I repent instead of repeat.
How does Amazing Love of Jesus Christ transform you and your parenting?
That brings me to the Heart of Jesus. (image a heart shaped bag)
Heart of Jesus:
When I pull from this Loving & Holy Container blessings pour out in Abundance. In regards to the topic of Lying I pulled from the School Bag, the Recycled Bag, and my heart aches when I admit that I have pulled from the Tattered Bag. I didn't go as deep as I could have gone, but it wasn't Good, Compassionate & Loving. When we reach into the Heart of Jesus, because His Heart is Completely Open to each one of us regardless of our past, we discover our Heart opens with His and that Open Heart is not only Open to Jesus, but Open to our Children & Loved Ones. There is nothing to fear in Loving Others and Completely Opening our hearts to others (we need to have discernment about who is a N and who is Normal). When we completely open up our hearts others do the same and we connect on a Spiritual Level that this World can never measure. When my heart was hurt when my Daughter lied, instead of reaching in those other bags I reached into the Heart of GOD and I said GOD; How do I show her lying is Toxic Harmful, Hurtful & Wrong? And the Spirit of GOD spoke to my Spirit and said show her Letting Go by Completely Opening your heart to her and Letting Go. So I poured out my Heart to my Daughter and told her how hurt I was from her lying to me, how lying hurts & damages our trust & relationship, and that is pains me that I can not trust her. We also talked about how she feels when her Friends lie to her, or if Mommy or Daddy would lie to her how would her heart feel? Could she trust us if we lied to her? Would she feel respected, honored or loved if we lied to her? I was not afraid to be vulnerable with my Daughter & cry and show my Daughter my pain & hurt. We had an Open and Honest conversation how lying is not loving each other. Is Lying a Loving thing to do or a hurtful thing? So when we lie to someone what is the message we send? What is the message someone sends you when they lie to you and you feel betrayed and the trust is damaged or destroyed? When we lie to someone we tell them that we do not love them. When you lie to someone you hurt them by betraying their trust. Lying is not Loving. And the Painful & Undeniable Truth is when we are lying we are not loving. So if you lie to me you send the message or tell me you don't respect, honor or love me. My loving Daughter who also has high levels of Empathy related to how I felt hurt by her lies and said she does Love me and will not Love me and we discussed how she can tell me ANYTHING that Nothing she has done will stop me from Loving Her, so there is Nothing she needs to hide from Mommy or Daddy because even if she does something very wrong we will Always Love her. We continue to nurture the Love, Security, and the Trust in our Relationship and my Daughter has stopped lying and admits to the Truth even if she has made a wrong choice. We talk about the wrong choice, some times that wrong choice requires a Natural Learning Consequence and sometimes it requires a loss of privileges and she needs to be on Restriction for a period of time. I know there will be times where the temptation to lie to avoid the Restriction will present itself, because it already has happened, but I give her Mercy and Grace because she is little, and I am honest with her about her temptation to lie to avoid Restriction, but I ask her which is a Better Choice to Lie and hurt Mommy & Daddy and not have Trust or to tell the Truth? The duration of the Restriction is based on her choice to tell us the Truth. If she chooses to lie the Restriction is much Longer at least twice as long as it would have been if she choose to tell the Truth. At the age of 4 1/2 she is a wise beyond her years and knows it is better to tell the Truth even when she has made the Wrong Choice.
* Interesting side note, when I was writing about how the Enemy (Satan) lies and deceives us, like it did with Eve, and we are left confused not knowing Right from Wrong there was a fly bugging me and trying to distract me. What is another name for Satan? Beelzebub
Lord of the Flies, or more accurately Lord of the Lies. Satan will always try to prevent the Truth from getting out and will even send a tiny pesky fly to try and distract us & prevent GOD's message. Notice in the word Beelzebub there is a bee and following, listening, believing, trusting, and having contact the Lord of Lies (Ns) will leave a painful sting.
May this chapter in my Life bless you as it has me by bringing you Hope, Support, Confirmation, Encouragement, Inspiration, Empowerment and Transformation that we are not destined to Repeat, we can Repair, and Replace. All on Board the Love Train, Destination LOL!