Friday, September 17, 2010

Raising An Amazing Generation

I watched a few episodes called, Raising An Amazing Generation, and what I saw impressed me. Carol demonstrates that our children are unique individuals w/ their own personality, thinking processes and learning styles which must be considered when raising children. Raising Children requires much more than simply understanding the basic principles of Behavior Modification (classical & operant conditioning) . Books that have a one style fits all approach may not be the best resource/fit for your child/ren.

I have been impressed w/ CK's teachings,

I saw the shows that went over the Art of Discipline and How Is Your Child Wired to Learn? I am thinking about ordering them,

Personality Plus for Parents, also looks like a interesting book.

Has anyone else read these books?

Here is another thread discussing good parenting books.

Comparing Carol Ardizzone and Ted Tripp's very different viewpoints on modifying a child's behavior & raising an amazing child w/a great heart, Carol definitely keeps the heart of a child in mind and w/Ted's I am left wondering, Where is the Love and Grace in his approach? His heart seems calloused to me in regards to physical discipline/punishment (spanking).

At this point in my life, I am neither totally advocating spanking, nor am I completely against it. After using spanking/swatting I ask myself, is my DD better for it, is our family, because I never feel good after it which is always a signal to self NOT to do it. My H and I have spanked our D. It usually was the last resort. We do it very infrequently (less than once a month, sometimes once every two months, as time goes by it is less and less), the magnitude & duration of the spanking is very controlled, no more than one for each year of her life, 3 years old = 3 spankings, and they are a swat not a "beating or whipping". Still the few times I have spanked my child she has recovered and I am emotionally and psychologically messed up for days due to the abuse I suffered from the Momster in my childhood. Surely there is a better way.

The more I realize what it takes to keep spanking as a very controlled discipline/punishment and if we are being honest most of our population lack this amount of accountability, introspection, and control I realize that it is extremely dangerous to recommend spanking to the general public. It is opening Pandora's box to child abuse. If there is any chance what-so-ever that discipline can turn into abuse (even on a very small scale), then as my H & I say, it is better to be too safe than too sorry, and not resort to spanking. A great alternative to spanking is to send a child to his/her room, or even the bathroom until s/he can calm down and is ready to listen and do what was asked (ie, clean up toys). Losing a reward should be the consequence of bad behavior.

Because of so many people still using physical punishment (there appears to be a revival of 'the old ways'), let us assume these people are not narcissists. Parents with control over their impulses, a healthy conscience, the ability to stay in the moment without losing themselves in the other words, people who consciously choose to discipline a child without humiliating or crushing their spirits. With people like this, perhaps they cannot imagine what a dangerous door they are opening by suggesting physical punishment is acceptable? Maybe they can't even imagine that giving a N an inch takes a mile out of a powerless child's hide? For that reason, my stance is No Spanking. It's so easy for a slap to escalate to abuse. Ns can justify anything. ~CZ

We've been discussing parenting on another thread that started out asking member's about Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ted Tripp and main topics: physical discipline and the negative impact this may have on a developing child's psyche. I have not read Mr. Tripp's book and we're relying on excerpted comments from other sites. However, these quoted comments from Mr. Tripp are very revealing in identifying a very dangerous person.

Here are two reviews I found on line,

Reviewed by Sarah (Chicago), June 17, 2010

A few things I have to many of you actually grew up with parents that read books like this one? How do you feel about your parents know? Do you have children of your own and if so do you look at your parents as a good example? - My parents read a book like this as I was growing up, following it like a bible. I grew up a very servant like child, always afraid around every corner. Always looking for my parents acceptance. I got spankings when I was bad. - The part that terrifies me the most about parents that take "spanking" so seriously is when I think about myself so worried out of my mind when I was about to get a spanking. It actually still gives me horrible stomach aches if I think about it long enough and I am a grown women. I was told the very thing this book teaches "we are doing this because God loves you and he wants you to obey". Really??? I was a perfect child out of fear. I didn't do bad things because I was so scared. Is that any way for a child to live? In fear? Yes we should definitely fear the Lord, but we obey him because we love him! Not because we are afraid he is going to physically hurt us!! I am sorry but you really have to truly think about these things and ask other people that were maybe brought up this before you start doing this to your own children.

Reviewed by J H (Virginia), June 07, 2008

This book changed my life too, it nearly destroyed my family. As a naive new parent, I went to a seminar by Tripp. I desperately wanted to do things right, to parent Biblically. My spouse and I read and reread the book and faithfully followed the principles; so for the next 2 years we could not understand why our relationship with our son was deteriorating. Instead of learning to obey, he was learning to lie so he wouldn't get caught. He did not respect us, he feared us. We cried out to God in prayer asking what we were doing wrong, there was no fruit in our family and we were miserable. I went back to the rod verses that Tripp quotes as the basis for spanking and I was led to study deeper. Instead of taking them at face value (which does seem to indicate that you should punish children by beating them with a weapon), I did word studies on each word in Hebrew. I consulted with a rabbi to confirm what I was learning. I was shocked to find that orthodox Jews, who still follow the Law in its entirety and are careful to obey Old Testament precepts literally, do not understand those verses to mean that a parent should hit children with a rod. Hebrew understanding is much different. Our family is also very different now. We have had a complete paradigm shift on what Christian discipline is. Our son is in therapy working out the attachment issues he suffered and our family is fruitful now, in many ways, as God has blessed us with 2 more. I enjoy parenting now that I'm not looking for "willful disobedience" around every corner. If I were to sum it up I'd say that Tripp makes sense on addressing your child's heart, but he believes the way to do that is by using behaviorism, not discipleship. Please don't be as naive as I was, my family suffered so much. Dig deeper, study Scripture in the original language, strive to understand at more than just face value. Try Heartfelt Discipline by Clay Clarkson instead or even better, Biblical Parenting by Crystal Lutton.

Tripp He is what I refer to as a Counterfeit Christian who is committing & advocating spiritual abuse as well as physical, psychological, verbal & emotional abuse.

If anyone's spiritual leaders, friends, or family are recommending this book, please, please, please Trust your WoNderful Intuition when Tripp's statements/viewpoints/recommendations do not sit well in your spirit. This book from hell is an Excuse for Abuse. His comments are so very triggering and I had to stop reading because my heart is breaking at the thought of desperate parents taking this abusive man's advice and mistakingly thinking that they are doing right by their children).

I wonder what reason your leader chose this particular christian parenting book? There are a bunch out there, why this one? ~RB

I am wondering the same thing. I am not exaggerating when I say that all the Momster would have needed was to read this 101 ways to Beat your child until s/he is "sweet" and I would not be alive today. When I read these few quotes I am not getting the feeling of a loving adult who values children, but a evil slave master who wants to beat his servants into submission.

I am praying that God fills you w/Supernatural courage to open dialogue w/the other parents in your community, so that these parents w/good intentions don't get brainwashed into slaughtering the souls of their children. If I ever needed a reason to give up spanking reading this toxic evil crap would be it.

I want to thank everyone who is adding great resources for those of us who were born into the KoN who want to end the Legacy of Abuse. I was the kid with the story no one would believe. BUT by the GRACE & LOVE of God, my life could have had a variety of different alternative very tragic endings (suicide, addict, permanent psychiatric resident, killing the Monster who hurt my sister and myself, and becoming a Momster to my child and repeating what was done to me). Christ taught me what Authentic Love was all about. His love is amazing. There is truth and there is grace. The Original Counterfeit (devil) knows how to twist God's words to serve his evil agenda and this is who I believe is inspiring Mr. Tripps book. What happens to a child who never experiences Authentic Love? Mr. Tripp's book is a recipe for Creating Criminals instead of Compassionate People.

I heard this song on the radio yesterday and it touched my heart. All a child wants is to know that s/he is loved just for being who they are,
Just Love Me For Me.

My DD was not quite 3 yrs old when she asked me, Mommy why do you love me? My intial response was to list all her great attributes & talents, thoughtfulness, kind heart, beautiful smile, her great hugs, compassion for others, etc -- but stopped and said, I love you just for who you are, you are Emma, and I love you. I love you for being you. I love you just for being Emma. Children need to know that they are loved just for who they are, and do not have to be perfect to earn love. They have intrinsic value. My H & I are open w/our DD. We explain to her that there are behaviors we like (thoughtfulness, kindness, sharing, etc.) and behaviors we don't like (selfishness, tantrums, defiant, etc), but we always love her. Her rewards & privileges are based on her behavior, but our love for her is not -- It is unconditional. It is not something she has to earn and is not something that will be taken away.

Just because something is widely accepted does not make it right. Do you know where the Rule of Thumb originated from? I learned in my Woman Studies that the term originally referred to a law that limited the maximum thickness of a stick with which it was permissible for a man to beat his wife & children.

What are we teaching our children when we physically reprimand them? If you do not do as I want it is okay for me to physically punish you. I do not want my D to believe that it is okay for others to physically hurt her if she disagrees with them. I also do not want to go to the other extreme as my Nsib has done w/her youngest and not discipline thus creating a spoiled brat that does not realize that her choices have consequences.

So much of what Tripp says disgusts me. Spanking a 8 month old, excessive amount of spanking, 20, 50, 100 times (sounds like someone is enjoying what he is doing), and the statement that crushed me was,
p.152 If the child is angry about being whipped, then “the discipline session is not over” and Tripp says to whip them some more until they are “sweet”. -- what does this remind you of? Sounds like Learned Helplessness. The child doesn't even have the freedom to be angry about being the physical pain s/he is experiencing. Are children suppose to endure the physical pain until they no longer show any resistance to it?
Don't be angry, don't be upset, don't cry, don't make a sound, just smile and be "sweet" while I am causing you physical & emotional pain. I would also like to see how his 8 month old turned out.

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