Monday, February 14, 2011

God tells us to leave Toxic People -- God says No Contact!

Happy Valentine's Day
I can't think of a better day then to share with you the Great News. . .
God tells us to leave Toxic People -- God says No Contact!

My Narcissistic Sister (Nsis) #1 who D&D (devalued & discarded)  us a year ago, recently called and is now ready to forgive us for hurting her, nothing else, only that she is now ready to give us Forgiveness, I write about it here, Nsis is ready to Forgive me!

Still haven't returned her call, not sure what I want to do, but I did get an AMAZING Message, or a Love Telegram from Heaven about
Letting Go of Toxic People that I want to share with you. Toxic People meaning those who have the agenda to do harm to us and those we love, and it was found in the Holy Handbook, I was at our Woman's Bible Study and nobody, but my WoN friends knew about the Nsis's recent call. It was one of those perfect Moments, a Confirmation from our Creator.

I assure everyone that we are not destined to stay in Toxic Relationships. It is not part of God's plan for our life. This is why it is very important for Believers to focus on their Relationship with God not a Religion with a certain Oranization of People. People can fail you and mess up your life, but God will not.

For anyone who feels a tremendous amount of stress and guilt about wanting to leave a Toxic Relationship or have left a Toxic Relationship and you still are not 100% sure you did the Right Thing and others are giving you grief about your decision to Self-Care & Self-Protect from harm and tell you to just "Turn the Other Cheek, Forgive and Forget, 7x70 etc. and that we must just endure harmful relationships -- There is Proof in the Truth that Christ wants us to Separate from Toxic People and this Great News removed my guilt & confirmed that No Contact (NC) is the necessary, right and blessed decision, and recommened by God Himself, Here It Is. That is New Testiment Proof that God says No Contact (NC), but if you are wondering if there is any Old Testiment Proof I have that too!

Just when you think you might be free of a Narcissist (N), s/he boomerangs back, so be prepared for that, and what you would say should that happen.

I have not returned the Nsis #1 phone call and really do not know what to say to her. Our entire relationship has been based on what I can do for her, protecting & defending her from the Momster's attacks (when she was a Child & later as an Adult) and trying to help her out as best I could both emotionally and financially throughout the years. I have clearly been the Giver and she has been the Taker. We have never had a Normal Healthy & Loving Sister type of relationship, not the kind of close relationship that people usually want and continue to nurture over time. I would trust a complete stranger off the street more than I would trust her. I have written before that her level of pathology prevents even a Hallmark Relationship. I really don't know what to do, so right now I am doing nothing, and let me say that doing nothing is actually doing something. It prevents us from doing something that we will eventually regret, like reestablishing a Toxic Relationship.

Personally I have been enjoying NC from her and am disappointed that she made contact much sooner than I would have ever thought she would and right now I have no desire to reestablish contact. I don't trust her, not only for my sake, but most importantly for my little DD's sake who doesn't understand why she hasn't heard from her Aunt & Cousins in over a year.

Then there is that Rescuer in me that says, my Non-N Niece & Newphew, and even the Golden Child need to have Normal People in their life to show them that Life can be different outside of the KoN that they are born and raised in. I wish I had had an Aunt or someone who could stand being around the Momster just long enough to temporally take me away from the KoN and show me a better way of life and show me what Authentic Love was all about.

As I was first preparing to write this post I thought that Nsis #2 the youngest of the two Nsibs was a lower level N compared to the Super-Sized Momster, Demon Dad, and Nsis #1 (mentioned above who once again D&D us), but she has unmasked herself recently by flying across Country to reestablish a relationship with the Demon Dad (a Serial Child Molester who has hurt 4 Children, now that I better understand covert & ambient abuse I have to include myself in as one of his victims), and the Demon Dad recently sent me a letter saying that he has regular contact with both Nsisters and their Children, talks to them on a regular bases and is planning to visit all of them this Summer. Recall Nsis #2 is the one who could not come to the hospital when my DH had a very scary emergency, and betrayed me when my DH begged her repeatedly to come to our house and help me when I was going through a Neverous Breakdown (it was 30 minutes max to the hospital and 45 minutes to our home) yet she said she was heading off to a Conference and had been fasting all week, so she could not change her plans and come be with me and although she is not a therapist, never took a single Psy. or Counseling Class, she denied my perception of reality & told me that I was not having a Neverous Breakdown and I was just stressed out and needed some rest and she would call me later to check up on me.

I in fact did have a Neverous Breakdown, but that was not convenient for her and messed up her plans, so she had to deny my reality to make herself feel good about refusing to help me. My Dear Husband (DH) and I have always changed our plans at the very last minute to support her whenever she asked and other than when my DH was in the hospital we have never asked her to change her plans and do something for us. Our relationship has always been me the Giver and her the Taker and silly us to think that the two times we really needed her, she would return the support & love. For more detail on the Demon Dad's letter, The Crazies get even Crazier, Click Here.

The dilemma is, Do I try to establish and maintain a Hallmark Relationship with the Nsisters for their Children's sake? To give them Hope that life can be different outside of the KoN they were all born into. In order to have a relationship with the Children, who I care about because they are Innocent, I have to have minimal contact w/the Nsisters. Now who does that remind you of? Who in the Bible did not care so much about the Narcissistic Mother (NM), but did want to have a relationship with the Child of the NM? Who in the Bible had to Let Go of a relationship with a Child that he loved, because over time it would not be good for him or his family?

If you said Abraham you would be correct!

It is not my goal to deliver a sermon, just to share with people info. that got rid of the Guilt Trip from others and from myself about Letting Go of Toxic People.

Remember, it is my goal for this blog to not be a preaching place, but a Teaching Place. Therefore, here is your homework assignment. Remember to always pray that God would speak to you through His words each time before you read.

Read Gensis 13: 3-8 and Gen 21: 8-13 BEFORE you listen to me I want you to listen to The Great Spirit, our Helper, Counselor that speaks to us about our own Life and guides us.

Write down what you hear God saying to you about your life and your situation.

What feelings do you have?

When I read this (sentence/s). . . I felt. . . . write down all your emotions, thoughts and insights.

Write down any questions you have.

Did you find any answers?

How are you going to apply this new knowledge to your life?

It's okay if you didn't find any answers this time-remember Life is a Journey.

In our Woman's Bible Study, we talked about how God wants us to let go of Toxic Relationships, to go No Contact (NC) with Toxic People that will cause us harm. There are two types of Relationships God wants us to let go of; The First Type is the Relationship that we really don't want to continue to have with a Toxic Person. This is the relatinship that we really don't want to keep, and would like to give up, if we felt we had a choice. This is the Toxic Relationship we hold on to, even through very minimal or low contact because we feel we are obligated to maintain this Toxic Relationship for one reason or another. This would be the relationship I have with the Momster. I did not want to continue to have a relationship with her, but thought I had no other options.

I never heard of Divorcing a Parent, and then when I did I thought well Good, Kind and Loving Christians don't divorce their parents, not even very Toxic Parents. Others have shared their situations with me about feeling a tremendous amount of guilt divorcing or letting go of a Toxic Spouse, Sibling, Child, Family Relative, or Friend. We Forgive and Forget, or at least keep on enduring, setting and reinforcing boundaries, that the N is just going to blast right through, and spending the rest of our life having a miserable relationship with this Toxic Person.

I so very much wanted to Let Go of this evil person and protect myself and my family from inevitable & imminent harm. Each time I sought counseling I would get the Forgive and Forget recommendation. I never heard of people leaving Toxic Parents in the Bible. One Day out of desperation I cried out, God help me! Must I really continue to suffer being in a Toxic Relationship with the Momster? Is there any Biblical Scriptures that can free me and my family of creation from the never-ending abuse from this evil person who enjoys hurting others? Please God help me, I am your Child and You are my Parent and I know you love me even more than I love my own Child and Your plans for me is to have an Abundant Life, how is this possible when the Momster's intent is to keep hurting me? Lord, help me what am I to do? What would You have me do? The Great & Holy Spirit brought me to Matthew 10:34-39 what I refer to as My Freedom Scripture.

I have been asked if there were any Old Testament Scripture that I have found where God tells us to leave Toxic People? And I am thrilled to share with you
Gensis 13 and Gensis 21: 8-13.

In the New Testament Matthew 10:34-39 Christ tells us to be set against the Toxic Person as in Good is set against Evil. This seems like a relationship that we want to be set free from that we do not want to have anymore, and the Lord says it is okay not to like this person because they are evil and harmful to us, so I want you to separate from them. This is a relationship that is harmful for us, we don't want, and Christ says to us it is okay to Let It Go. I want you to Let It Go, and I am telling you to Let It Go & that you have my blessing to Let It Go, because it is harmful to you. God loves us and does not want others to harm us. God wants us to protect ourselves from harmful Toxic People. God does not want us to be a Target for others to use and abuse. Abuse is NEVER apart of God's plan for us. God does not want us to continue to be a moving target for a N.
No Target = No Abuse = No Hurt & Pain

Now let's look at Abraham's two different situations. The first regarding Lot is a relationship that Abraham most likely would have liked to keep, yet could see how things were not going well between the Feuding Families, and that it would be best for all involved to Separate to stop the fighting before people seriously got hurt or killed by another Family Member.

Genesis 13 Abram and Lot Separate

8 So Abram said to Lot, “Let’s not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herders and mine, for we are close relatives. 9 Is not the whole land before you? Let’s part company. If you go to the left, I’ll go to the right; if you go to the right, I’ll go to the left.”

Abraham (at that time was referred to as Abram) first sought out God to help him with his Family conflict. God said to separate, but not in anger, part in love. Lot is Abram's Nephew and tradition says that the elder is the one to make the decisions, yet Abram did what was right, obeyed God's instructions of separating from Lot. God's vision is far greater than ours and God saw how the esculating family conflict & fighting between Lots Family and Abram's was going to bring harm to Abram and his Family. Abram is like a Father to Lot and Lot is like a Son to Abram. Abram loved Lot, but knew that it was best to listen to God's advice and separate. He gave Lot first choice, Abram was entitled to first choice & should have received more not less than his Nephew Lot, but Abram chose Righteousness over Tradition, and at first glance it did cost him, because Lot selected what appeared to be the better land. Sometimes it will cost a Lot to separate and it might feel extremely unfair that the Toxic Person is getting away with it and is getting way with more than his/her fair share, just like Lot selecting the prime land and leaving Abram with less.

However, God is the Perfect Parent and knows what is coming even when His Children have no idea what is coming our way. You know the story of Lot, he and his family were captured, they had to live in Sodom and Gomorrah, God told Abram that He was going to destroy the city, Abram pleaded to God to spare it if they could find 10 Righteous People (God compromised from 50 to 10), God sent the Angels to the city to find the Righteous, the evil People (murderers & rapists) wanted to harm the Angels, Lot took the Angels in as his Guests, and as Jewish Tradition states swore to protect them at all cost, with his life and the life of his own Daughters and Wife. The Angels blinded the evil people, so that Lot and his family could escape and ordered Lot and his Family not to be caught looking back at the city that was being destroyed. Don't look back at the distruction of the Past and to only look to what is ahead, Lot's wife ignored what God had said, looked back and turned to stone. Great example of what looking back & fixating on a painful past does to us, it literally keeps us stuck in stone not being able to move forward.

The previous example above is the type of Relationship that we can see there is a problem and that things could get worse, and like it or not it the best solution is a separation. We can eventually see that parting ways is essential to keep ourself and others safe and out of harms way. 

Now here is the other type of relationship that God wants us to Let It Go, because it too is also harmful to us, yet we do not see how it is harmful, because things are currently good, or we perceive things to be good, and we want to hold on to it.

Genesis 21 Hagar and Ishmael Sent Away
Fast forward a few years (not sure just how many). Recall that Abraham and Sara are in their 80's, way past the child bearing years, yet God told Abraham that Sara would give birth to a Son. The years pasted and Sara and Abraham thought God forgot about His promise to them. Sara convienced Abraham to have sex with her maid servant Hagar and that Hagar has agreed to bare a Child for Sara and Abraham, that Hagar would give her the Son she gives birth to Sara and Abraham and they alone would be the Child's Parents, thus making Hagar the very first recorded Surrogate. Hagar gave birth to Ishmael and years later an Angel visited Abraham and Sara and told Sara that she was going to have a Son next year. Sara laughed and the Angel said, Is anything impossible for God, Sara said No and the Angel said then you shall have a Son and name him Issac (meaning laughter). Sara did give birth to her Son Issac.

8 The child grew and was weaned, and on the day Isaac was weaned Abraham held a great feast. 9 But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking, 10 and she said to Abraham, “Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that woman’s son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac.”

11 The matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son. 12 But God said to him, “Do not be so distressed about the boy and your Wife's servant. Listen to whatever Sarah tells you, because it is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned. 13 I will make the son of the servant into a nation also, because he is your offspring.”

Abraham gave up on God's promise to him that God would bless him and Sara with a Child and that his decedents would out number the stars. Both Abraham and Sara were Elders and thought God forgot His promise to them, but He did not. (I know how that feels. My DH & I tried for over 12 years to conceive our DD. 144 months of No, but they were really not No -- not ever, they were No -- not now. Now is not the time.). Out of desperation Sara convinces Abraham to sleep with her servant and the servant agrees to be a Surrogate for them. She conceives and gives birth to Ishmael (meaning God hears or God listens). Years later the Angels/Messengers of God tell Abraham that Sara will have a Child and Sara laughs because she is a Elder Woman way past her childbearing years, she has already went through "The Change" says she is "dried up", her monthly cycle has stopped for years. She comes out of the tent to where the Messengers are with her DH and they ask her, Is there anything too impossible for God? Do you want a Child? Do you believe God can give you a Child. She says yes. The Messengers say, Your child shall be called Issac (meaning laughing one or laughter or he who laughs). Hagar, Sara's Servant becomes jealous and envious because now Sara has her Blessing and although Ishmael was born first, he has the rights of a second born because Isaac is the one who God said would be the Sanctified Child born from a Sanctified Relationship of Marriage. Ishmael is the illegitimate child and does not have the same rights as Isaac born from a Sanctified Marriage. Abraham & Hagar's Relationship was for only one purpose and everyone was clear that it was only for Hagar to be a Surrogate for Abraham and Sara and nothing more. The Future Ruling Rights or Leadership go to Isaac not Ishmael. Ishmael's mocking demonstrates a jealousy or envy forming that may not have been obvious to Abraham, but it was to Sara. Although Isaac loved Ishmael and looked up to his big Brother, and most likely would have let Ishmael take the Traditional Rights of the First Born Male to Lead, God's plan is for Isaac to rule not Ishmael. Sara said that Isaac loves his older Brother Ishmael so much that Isaac would hand over his birth right to Ishmael and Sara knew how Hagar envied her being Abraham's Wife and how she would poison her son Ishmael against his own Father, Sara, and his younger Brother Isaac. Sara knew that a war between the two Brothers was going to eventually happen and that it would tear their Family apart and that lives would be lost, especially her beloved Son Isaac. Due to Hagar planting seeds of envy and hatred in her Son Ishmael against his Father & Brother and the rest of their Family and imminint war between the two Brothers and their families was going to occur. Because of their advanced ages Sara knew that she and Abraham most likely would no longer be alive when the war would take place and they would not be alive to do their very best to prevent this imminint war between the two Brothers.
Sara pleaded with Abraham to speak to God on what to do and God told Abraham to listen to his Wife and his Wife said that Hagar and Ishmael must be sent away to prevent war & bloodshed. God promised Abraham that He would take care of Hagar & Ishmael and years earlier when Hagar was pregnant with Ishmael God promised Hagar that He would also make a great Nation from her Son. Abraham deeply loved his son Ishmael and did not want to let go of his son, he also respected and cared for Hagar for being the Mother of his Child, and did not want any harm to fall upon her. God said to let go of these relationships Forever, so much so that after Ishmael and Hagar left the Family never to have contact with Abraham or his Family members ever again, Abraham said he only had one Son Isaac. Both Hagar and his son Ishmael were considered dead to Abraham, or more accurately like they never existed and Abraham never knew them. Hagar & Ishmael had to continue their lives completely separate from Abraham, as if they are not related and are as Complete Strangers with no connection to one another, living completely separate lives far away from one another, never to see each other ever again. God did take care of Hagar and Ishmael and kept His promise by making an entire New Nation through Ishmael's decendants.
The message is even when there are relationships that we don't want to give up, that we want to hold onto, that we think are perfectly okay to maintain, God will ask us to give them up, because He knows what is best. He knows these relationships will eventually cause us great harm and are not in our best interest to keep. Even when we do not see just how these relationships can be so harmful to us, God knows the future and He knows what will happen with these People He wants us to Let Go.
For me these are the toughest relationships to give up, the ones we want so desperately to keep and try to make right, but God knows they are doomed to fail even when we do not. I can see how Hagar can poison Ishmael against Abraham and his Brother Issac just as I can see it happening that Nsis #1 did poison her Children's' minds against us each time she D&Ds us. I have seen her tell her Children how terrible the Momster is (which is true) then go and continue to use the Momster and say that she is a good person when she needs something from the Momster sending confusing and mixed messages to her Children along with it is okay to Trash Talk Someone, then treat them nice in order to use them. When we refuse to do everything Nsis#1 wants she will further poison her Children against us by saying that we do not love them or care about them and how she & her NH can not stand us. Letting Go of the Children is very hard for me, because they are innocent.
I am extremely conflicted. God told Abraham not to worry about his own Child Ishmael and that He would look after him and bless him. And God watched over me in the KoN and healed me from the damages of the KoN and I need to trust in God to do the same with these Children. Please keep me in prayer that God would give me discernment regarding the severing of the relationships with the Children (I am not quite sure about that -- God did tell Abraham to listen to his Spouse and do what she says, so I will talk it over with my DH, ask him to Seek God and let me know what God says to him). I understand & have accepted that the relationship with the Nsis#1 can never be what I would want or hope it could be due to her pathological limitations. I will no longer be deceived by expecting more than what is possible from her, which is barely a Hallmark Relationship.
Since I started working on this post I received the Letter from the Demon Dad and that confirmed to me that it is time for Letting Go of both Nsisters, which also means not having a relationship with their Children, my Nieces & Nephews. It is an extremly difficult, sad, and painful thing to do, but I know without doubt that it is the right thing to do and what is best for my little family of creation due to all of the Ns & Ps in the KoN that will attack us for not being like them.
Now if anyone tries to Guilt Trip you into leaving the KoN, you can give them both Old & New Testiment Scripture that proves God tells us to leave Toxic People and God says NC! I pray that this information will Bless you, if it has, please Share it Forward w/those who also struggle w/leaving the KoN.
For those who are interested I will be tackling probably the greatest Guilt Trip of them all in regards to Letting Go of Toxic People, Forgive them Father for they know not what they do. And Forgive others like Christ has forgiven us. You might be interested in what I have to say about others Messing Up the Message.
Peace does not always come from doing what is right, but rather in the knowing what is right. It is not always easy doing what is right and what is best.

May God give you Wisdom, Discernment, Confirmation, and Peace about the Relationship/s that you are unsure of and have reached the time for Letting Go, and may you in the right time allow God to comfort you through this transition by bringing Authentically Loving People in your Life to feel the void left by the ones you are Letting Go.


  1. Your post on WoN, linked above, sounds exactly like somebody I had to kick out of my life a year ago, including timeline, details, DemonDad molester, etc. If it weren't for this post mentioning that she has a son, I'd think it was the same person. It's amazing how they seem to be operating from the same script. Her family stayed with us for a time, and it was horrible because of her N behaviors. And when she realized I couldn't take it anymore, she began her D&D of the very one who was helping her. :P

  2. Nyssa, I hear ya. Nothing like getting betrayed by some one you are helping & making sacrifices for them just to turn around, spit in your face & stab you in the back. Luke 17:3 tells us what to do in these type of situations. They burned down the bridge, so they will have to re-build it with Repentance, changed actions and not just empty words. Ns don't have the tools nor materials to re-build the bridge, so we need to move along our Life Journey without them and not get stuck waiting for them to build their side, or get trapped into doing all the work while they kick back and do nothing but give us empty promises.

  3. thank you for your posts on toxic people/relationships! My husband and I are dealing with this big time with many members of his family - I don't know if its actually Narcissim, but its definitely a group behavior control-dynamic where they are literally decided against me (the strange in-law of a different race/higher education/different socioeconomic background, etc). From what I've read in various places, I think my difference or separateness from them and what they think "should be" or what they think is "normal" is what makes them enraged against our marriage and the way we are raising our child. But anyway thank you!

  4. It doesn't make sense to think we can be free from evil sitting right beside it!

    1. Tinar r,your post just hit me between the eyes. I am in a toxic 'evil' marriage that is killing me inside. I stay for the children, but he continues to have sex with hired ladies when on business in Thailand. no physical relationship with me for many years. Metal verbal suttle abuse. skillfully being beaten up where I question "is it that bad?" I have financial dependency. I have tried to talk and work through , have forgivness, faith in God healing. Bottom line he won't change with me by his side keeping his life cozy and family oriented, Holidays full of life and wonderful fragrances of meals and friends. He needs to be on his own if there will be any change for his own personal spiritual salvation. I have to let go, walk away. We have been together 33 years, not so easy. I have been a stay home mom for 18 years and our business has been struggling. But for his sake and his salvation, I need to leave this toxic relationship.

    2. When we share our stories we never know they will bless someone else. Thank You Tinar r for sharing. Thank You faithful to a fault for sharing.

      When we are in toxic relationships, aka the KoN (Kingdom of Narcissism) we forget who we are, because our life becomes about surviving rather than thriving.

      For years I wanted to leave the toxic relationship that I was in all my life. Since I was born into a toxic relationship I thought I could not leave it. I tried leaving 20 years ago, then I was pressured by other family members/enablers to return. The moment I saw the Momster's toxic behavior toward me harm my daughter I knew this had to end. "My child deserves better." This statement echoed in my mind, heart, and soul. My child deserves better, and GOD spoke to my heart and said "My child deserves better." I realized in that moment I remembered who I was, who I am, GOD's child.

      Would I want my child to be in a unsafe relationship? No. Well GOD feels the same way. Christ tells us that as much as we love our children GOD loves them even more, thus wants more for them. Just as we do not want our children to be in an abusive relationship neither does GOD want us to be in an abusive relationship, for we are also GOD's children.

      In moving forward to where GOD wants us to go we look at our lack of resources, and reply GOD I would love to do what you are telling me to do, but don't have what I need. What we must realize is that He will not tell us to do something without giving us what we need. All we need to do is bring the obedience and He will supply the abundance.

      When we do anything new, the first step is a step of faith which is based on trusting GOD. This year allow GOD to change it up for you and your children. Instead of Faithful to a fault you shall be Faithful to a Blessing. You do your best and GOD will do the rest.

      Get legal advice, so that you are not trapped by fear. You are not financially dependent, because your dependency is not on an abusive husband, but rather a faithful and unfailing GOD. Financial dependency is a lie from the enemy to keep you trapped. Will your life style change? Yes. Will things be more difficult for awhile? Yes. There are resources that you may not even be aware of that will help you.

      When GOD tells us to make a change in our life we can either find an excuse or find a way, allow Him to provide a way where we see none. I know, because I always came up with excuses. Instead of saying, GOD I can not see a way, I can not find a way, and now say GOD show me the way.

      Being a stay at home mom for 18 years has provided you with skills that an abusive spouse may not appreciate, but others will. As a momma you have had to be dependable, reliable, helpful, trustworthy, supportive, plan things out & do them. You have been in charge of others, you have been organized & creative. You have skills sister!

      Allow no one to deter you from where GOD want to take you. Listen to no one, but GOD's Holy Spirit as He leads you out of captivity, through the wilderness, and into the Promise Land. Yes, this will not be easy, it will be very difficult, like the Israelites you may consider giving up & returning to the captivity that you have known, instead moving forward where things are uncertain. The one thing you can be certain about is GOD's Love for you in that He shall keep His Promises, He shall provide for you. This Journey into Freedom will be difficult, but it will be all worth it in so many unforeseen ways.

      Remember who you are, GOD's Beloved Daughter. Stay in His Word. Focus on Luke 17:3 to maintain healthy boundaries. Also Jeremiah 29:11 that reminds us that being in an abusive relationship is not apart of GOD's Plan for us. A great book by a wise Christian who provides biblically sound wisdom, and great tools for assessing relationships is called Necessary Endings by Dr. Cloud. I refer to the tools in this book for both professional and personal relationships.

      GOD is with you Beloved.

  5. I'm going through a similar situation. My father is a child molester whom my mother decided to stay with and as a result I grew up in foster care; myself and brothers and sisters also being molested and mentally/emotionally abused. For years I have tried to keep my broken family together. I recently feel like I've been called back to God and have started going to church again and am doing my best to be a fallower of Christ in his likeness. Of course that leads to a lot of confusion for me because I now must deal with my family differently. I have a husband and 3 small children to protect and have been asking to Lord for guidance in how to deal with the issues and relationships I'm having for example: my younger sister works the sex trades for money. She is a stripper and suspected prostitute and recently had a baby with someone that she knew wouldn't want another child. She did this it seems be ause she thought it would be 'fun' although she was in no state to have a child. This baby has been in foster care twice and is currently in foster care because of suspected abuse. I've tried to be supportive to her for years but whenever the mood strikes her she becomes abusive with slanderous, hypocritical text messages to the rest of the family. She is unstable and has attacked me several times. Most recently threatening to call social services on me and report child abuse because of an accident where my 2 year old pushed over a bouncy chair with my 4 month old in it and she just happened to be at my house at the time. The baby was completely unharmed(praise God!) but this shows how sick her mind is. She threatened me because I wouldn't answer her texts for a day because I need clarity on this situation. Also recently my older sister who is also in agreement with me that younger sis is twisted, told me that she's been speaking mor slanderous stuff about me behind my back..apparently thinking of accusing me of being the one who hurt her baby(gasp!) and telling older sis that I've been trash talking her(trying to break up the relationship between older sis and myself). After all of this she texted me the next day and calls and acts like nothing happened! I've tried to support her but I feel threatened and also need to look out for my children. Honestly I even worry about the stuff she says to my kids. She has some serious issues. She fights with basically everyone she knows from cab drivers to friends to family members. I've been the one she fights with the least because I'm naturally unconfrontational but I can't do this anymore. It's stealing my joy and happiness that I should experience in my relationship with the Lord. I recently had revelation while reading the bible about how to treat people the way Jesus did(love, forgiveness) but surely this is not what he wants for me. I feel like cutting her off is right for me but is it selfish giving her dependency on me for a moral compass. Also she often speaks blasfamy against God because she knows it bothers me and I often have to rebuke the things she's saying. I mean crazy slanderous stuff that I won't repeat and would send any Christian through a loop! I just want what's best for everyone including younger sis and more importantly her baby...and my babies. Any advice. Also I know cutting her off would cause problems with my mom who feels like I should b supportive to younger sis because she "needs my support".

    1. Beloved & Blessed. Many religious folk will give harmful advice and say that you need to stay in a toxic environment, but that goes against all the Scriptures that tell us to have no contact w/toxic people. I want you to read Luke 17:3, because it helps us to establish healthy boundaries from users and abusers. Your biofamily is much like many of ours. They use FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) to keep you trapped in their KoN (Kingdom of Narcissism). When they say they "need you" it is a incomplete sentence and a complete lie. What they are really saying is that they "need you to use you". They reveal their true selves to us each time they attack us, yet we then make excuses for their abuses. Your sister tried to have the authorities take away what you love most in this world -- your children, not because she thought that she was doing the "right thing", but because she is envious of you, of who you are, and the life you have. She detests you, because she is envious of you, and she will look for ways to bring you down. This pattern will continue to repeat itself until you get tired of being sick and tired, until you (like me and those who have left their former toxic families) realize that this is not GOD's Plan for you. Jeremiah 29:11

      We are to be Christ-like, but we can not be someone's personal savior that job is for Jesus Christ, and not even GOD can save those who do not want to be saved. As long as you have contact w/these people you will be swimming in a sea of dysfunction and they will keep pulling you down to keep themselves up, so who is going to drown? Them or You. Trust that if they want to be saved that GOD can save them, but in the mean time swim to safety. Keep your children and your little family of creation safe from harm.

      Do not worry about the smear campaign of lies against you. You know the truth of who you are, who GOD created you to be, so find others who loving, kind and thoughtful people like yourself, who appreciate you for who you are, and will not use and abuse you.

      The Bible is very clear, GOD does not want us in toxic relationships, because the chaos drowns are destiny. All the precious time you and I and everyone else waste on this toxic drama, we can stop it by leaving it, and find out what GOD really wants to do with our lives.

      How does GOD want you to spend the rest of your life -- in dysfunction or destiny?
      I have started a new charity which I would never had the energy or time to do if I was still trapped in all that toxic chaos. I can now help others who truly want and value the help I give them. Think of the things you could accomplish if you were not trapped in this toxic mess. Don't let these toxic people rob you of what GOD has planned for you.
      Jeremiah 29:11

      Here are some posts that others have said blessed them, and helped them see things more clearly.

      Life in the KoN

      Life in the KoN is about a 2-way Projection

      Exposing the Narcissists (seeing them for who they really are)

      Why Do They Keep Attacking

      The Discovery

      Closure. . Redefine it to find it

      Crucified for Projected Lies

      Family . . Redefine it to find it

  6. Hi, This is Sarah from Just wanted to pop by and say... Thanks for your post! In each situation seeking God and what He wants is the first port of call. I do not believe it is healthy to keep holdIng On to having relationships with deliberately hurtful people. I do not believe God made us to be door mats. Yes we can always forgive! There are times when you must walk away and let God deal with the situation in His timing. If you can reconcile the relationship where it is a healthy one then we should BUT if the other person will not acknowledge their sin or there abuse you can not 'fake it until you make it'. I personally believe we are called to challenge sin and abusers. I believe this is "LOVE" they might not love it but it is right and good to stop hurtful behaviour or abusive behaviour. They can not change what they will not acknowledge. It is not loving pretending their sin is ok. Have you ever heard the phrase...'if you lie down with dogs you will get up with fleas'. Essentially a hurtful person and an abuser will infect your life and the lives of your children and all you hold dear. Their poor behaviour and sin will rub off onto you if you don't stop contact with them. You don't want that in your life. You don't want flea's. You want to disinfect your whole life and stay away far away from them so they can not do any more damage. You can fill your life up on Jesus and wonderful loving people and let God sort out the things and people you can't. That is JMTCW (just my two cents worth). BIG love, hugs and huge blessings to you! ~ Sarah xxx

    1. Thank You Sarah for "JMTCW (just my two cents worth)" -- which means a lot to me. I would have responded earlier, but the LORD has me working in His Kingdom at for our programs and events. I am taking this time to catch up on responses at my Dealing with toxic people blog. It is amazing what GOD will do with our lives with our life and time our no longer held captive for an unrepentant toxic person's purpose. Flea free for me and my home. No more flea bites. Yeah. I love that you are a pastor's wife and giving people the truth about free from harmful people instead of the old message of forgive and forget which is not Biblical in regards to the unrepentant reprobates. Thank You for sharing the message of Freedom with others and how it truly is LOVE address harmful people and their toxic ways, give 'em a chance to change, and if they don't move on to what GOD really wants you to invest your time in that will produce Good Fruit for His Kingdom.

      Big Love, Hugs and Huge Blessings to you, your family and your ministry.

  7. Thankyou soooo much for this liberating post! ( I don't mean to make light of the situations on here please believe me!) I have had toxic siblings who have abused me either physically,mentally, emotionally, verbally and spiritually. II've put up with it because of my ailing elderly father who just wants to keep it swept under the rug. Things have gone downhill since mum died 5 years ago. I've had enough of the alcoholic abuse, filthy blasphemous jokes and digs at my faith in God and threats that dad will suffer if I leave. Its turning me into a wreck! Its stolen my joy my peace and after many years I'VE HAD ENOUGH AND I'M NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE!! Praise God I found this site! Im so relieved to know God won't punish me when I go and live the life He has called me to live. The mouse has finally roared! I will sign off now. Gods blessings to all of you. Thankyou again!!

    1. Free At Last, Free At Last!!! Thank GOD Almighty that Alana is Free At Last!!! And what the Son sets FREE stays FREEEE!!!!

      Alana, I LoVe how you wrote, "The mouse has finally roared!" I hear a wonderful story that needs to be told when you are ready dear one. Looking forward to you discovering and exploring all the wonderful things that GOD has awaiting you now that you are free. Greater things are yet to come Alana, Beloved Daughter of GOD.

    2. To Soaring Dove is Letting Go.
      Thankyou dear sister for your words of encouragement. Since I wrote the last post I had a number of setbacks and guilt trips thrown at me and I went back. After more anti Christian attacks launched at me and my older sister dredging up past wounds, made with a mocking sneer I might add, twisting the knife just a little more, I walked out. I was a dummy to go back but I did out of compassion for my dad. However, after the last couple of emotional beatings and constantly being told by her that I'm mentally ill and the often repeated calling me "Christian" in disdainful and condescending tone, I left dad's house and changed my phone number. Just waiting on the Lord now. God bless you my darling!

  8. Thank you for being open and honest about your life with toxic people. I have very toxic in-laws who have done nothing but cause issues in our marriage. This past year, we moved halfway across the U.S. (they are in CA and we are now in TX). It has already made a world of difference. I am the easiest person to get along with but my in-laws are very much NPD(Narcissistic Personality Disorder) people. It wasn't until I started going to a counselor that I was able to see that about them. Thank you for this website, and even more, thank you for the verses from Matthew. That really opened my eyes about the whole situation. God Bless!