She yelled out, Momma there is Orange Juice all over the place!
I turn around and find an Orange Juice Mess all over the Table, Daughter's Cloths, Chair, and Floor. My DD is 4 1/2 so it is not unusual that I am helping her clean up some sort of mess she created. In fact, just this morning she spilt her cereal bowel all over herself, the table, chair, and floor, so here we go again. Another Meal Another Mess. I must confess I was disappointed & a bit upset at having to help her clean up the second mess of the day.
While I was lecturing her on how to pay closer attention to what she is doing, so that she doesn't cause another mess, that she needs to slow down, and notice things around her, etc. something very interesting unfolded. I was cleaning up the mess off my DD's clothes, then her lap, and then the table. There was a puddle around the cup full of orange juice, so I wiped that up too and noticed there was still some orange juice in the cup, and all around the cup, so I picked up the cup and wiped off the orange juice. I went to clean up the rest of the mess from the bottom of DD's chair, on the floor, and when I got up off the floor I turned back to notice that there was a small puddle of orange juice around the cup. It was one of those Gaslighting or Twilight Zone Moments, where you question yourself, Am I losing my mind? I know I just wiped down the cup and the spilt orange juice surrounding the cup, or was it that I just meant to clean it up after I cleaned up the chair, and floor? No, I did clean that up first, then I cleaned up the chair and floor, so why is the mess still there? As I am wiping up the spilt orange juice from the table once more and wiping off orange juice from the cup I noticed that the cup has a huge crack in it and orange juice is seeping out every where.
Talk about needing to pay closer attention to things! Take foot and insert in mouth. I immediately felt bad for lecturing my DD for needing to be a Big Girl and watch what she is doing, that she needs to slow down, and be careful. What I accused her of doing I was in fact guilty of doing. The Life of a Mother is about doing things as quick and as fast as you can, because there is never enough time in the day to get all the things done on our To Do List.
I immediately felt Remorse for blaming my DD for causing the mess when in fact after careful & close examination it was the cup that caused the mess, and not my DD's lack of skills. The truth is I assumed the cup was okay, because it looked okay. I didn't take the time to examine it.
Who does that? Who has the time to examine each and every thing in Life?
For preventable reasons, when we are cleaning up Life's Messes we need to assess who is responsible for creating the Mess in the first place. What are the Causes and Effects of the Messes in Life? Especially when the Effects are very traumatic we want to discover the Cause.
This reminds me of the popular phrase from Dr. Phil, "there are no Victims, only Volunteers". When we examine the N's or P's KoN are we Victims or Volunteers? The Ns & Ps are Extremely Damaged like the cup that could not hold the orange juice. Although they appear to be stable, and reliable, we pour into them, and when we least expect it they cause a HUGE Mess all around them, damaging and ruining things completely. Like the orange juice, the HUGE Mess Ns & Ps cause become a Very sticky and Toxic Situation if not completely cleaned up right away. Sometimes the Clean Up from the Ns & Ps Toxic Dump takes awhile to restore that which is Damaged to the Original Condition. I often wonder, Is it really possible to completely restore someone to the Original Condition as if the attack from the N or P never happened?The Restoration, Recovery, and Healing Process takes a very long time and some cases the Damage is so severe that People who were victimized by Ns and Ps are never ever the same as before they were attacked. The Ugly Memories of Heinous Events still stay in our Minds. Some Memories are so horrible that they are suppressed and surface when you least expect it. These Horrible Surfaced Memories can cause you to go into a tailspin causing you to lose your balance, and mess up your Life. I have spent half of my Life cleaning up the messes the Psycho Parents caused not only me but others. These Ns & Ps rob us of so much precious time.
In my DD's situation w/the Broken Cup I was the 3rd Party that wondered Who caused all this mess? The Ns & Ps, like the Broken Cup, remain silent and let others take the blame for them. I could have blamed my Daughter for failing to notice the Cup was Broken & Ruined, and she could have blamed me for giving her a Broken & Ruined Cup, or we could place the blame where it belongs, on the Broken & Ruined Cup -- which we did.
After I asked my DD to Forgive me for blaming her for causing the mess that the Broken Cup caused and she forgave me, she asked, "Mommy what are you going to do with the Broken Cup?"
That is the question we all must ask ourselves about the Ns and Ps we N-counter in Life.
My Daughter said, "Mommy can you fix it?"
Another great question from this brilliant 4 1/2 yr. old. Can I fix it? Do I have the ability to fix what is Broken? The answer as we all know from Escaping the KoN is that some things can not be fixed. Some things are just Broken & Ruined Beyond Repair. No matter how badly I would want to fix what is broken & ruined I just can not. It is impossible. There are no tools that can fix this Broken Ruined Cup. I could try, but depending or relying on something Broken only creates Another Mess, and most likely a Larger Mess to clean up in the Near Future. This Broken Cup at first glance appeared Normal, so I trusted it. It deceived me -- as much as a Broken Cup can deceive a Person. This was not the first time I utilized this cup. The cup performed very well before and served our needs, but Today we discovered it is Broken.
Does it really matter how it got Broken? Was it always an Inferior Product that was doomed to fail in time? Or, Did something in the Environment cause it to be Ruined Beyond Repair? Does it matter what caused the Cup to be Broken? It could have been created that way, or it could have been something harsh in the Environment, or perhaps a combination of both.
We could spend our time blaming the Manufacturer for giving us, or sending us an Inferior Product that appeared to be Normal. We could blame the entire mess that the Broken Cup caused on the Manufacturer. We could say it is the Manufacturer's Fault and therefore we can not trust the Manufacturer, or any of the cups that come directly for the Manufacturer's Factory. Does one Bad & Broken Cup accurately represent the skills of the Manufacturer, or is the majority of what the Manufacturer creates Reliable, Dependable, Sturdy, and Trustworthy Products? Aside from this Deceptive Bad & Broken Cup, the rest of the cups we have are just what they appear to be and do what they are created to do. In fact the Manufacturer has created some very exquisite products. Therefore, one Bad Cup does not a flawed Manufacturer make. We can not discriminate against the Manufacturer for this one Bad Cup when the Majority is of Normal to High Quality.
Okay, so if it is not the Manufacturer's fault for the Deceptive, Ruined & Bad Cup, then we could spend our time investigating what in the Environment caused the Cup's Damage, thus making it an Inferior Product that will cause Great Messes every where that others are left to clean up. Maybe someone did a rush job and didn't handle it with Great Care, and caused a crack, and over time the crack got larger and larger. Perhaps the Cup had a slight undetectable crack or dent in it from the very beginning and was placed in a High Pressure Environment, aka dishwasher, and the dent became a crack, and the crack grew and when it came out of the Harsh Environment it appeared Normal like the rest in the Group, but it was completely useless because we could never depend or rely upon it. Unfortunately no one noticed, until we poured into it and relied upon it, then unexpectedly it created a Huge Mess all over the place. We didn't know it was unable to hold the things we placed in it. It looked Normal and we thought it was Safe, but it tried to damage & destroy the very things we value. The Bad Cup is jealous and envious and detests the Beauty in Others because it is a constant reminder of what the Bad Cup does not have within it. By damaging & destroying the Beauty in Others the Bad Cup feels Good about itself.
We could spend time blaming the Environment, blaming others that the Cup was not handled carefully & taken well care of. It is not the Bad Cup's fault that it can not be Normal & Useful. We can spend the rest of our time trying to fix the Bad Cup when it can not be fixed, and it thinks it is just as Good if Not Superior to the rest, so it resents People trying to make it Better by fixing what the Bad Cup doesn't accept nor admit as Broken. We could spend time trying to get the Bad Cup to be something it just is not. We can keep on giving the Bad Cup "one more chance" to be Normal and not cause a Big Mess. Sometimes the Bad Cup might do okay, maybe it wont be "that bad" in comparison to the Huge Mess other Bad Cups create. Sometimes the Bad Cup might even keep it together to give us a tiny bit of what we need or want for awhile -- and then it falls apart, and it becomes obvious that the Bad Cup is still very Damaged and has caused a Huge Mess for us to once again clean up. What we fail to recognize is that while we are cleaning up the mess the Bad Cup caused we ourselves are getting blamed for causing the Bad Cup to Cause the Mess. Bad Cups never take responsibility and constantly blame others for the damage they cause. They believe it is our fault, that we made them create or cause a Huge Toxic Mess. From their self-raised viewpoint on the Top Shelf in the Cupboard, it is our fault for pouring into the Bad Cup, therefore, we are the one responsible for the mess, and that is why we are the ones cleaning the messes up. Ns & Ps think that because we are cleaning up the mess we are responsible for causing the mess, if we weren't, we wouldn't be cleaning up the mess.
So back to Dr. Phil's statement, "there are no Victims, only Volunteers" and Gavin de Beck's quote from his book, The Gift of Fear, "The first time a woman is hit, she is a victim and the second time, she is a volunteer" while I don't fully agree w/these statements I do believe they have validity. Let me explain, due to the N's & P's Grand Illusion & Deception no one is responsible for finding her/himself in a KoN, because Ns & Ps are Counterfeits and are not who they appear or promote themselves to be. It takes more than a One Time Learning Trial (aka Attack/Abuse from the N or P) to break their Grand Illusion. If Ns & Ps were always horrible, it would not be hard to identify them as Evil Beings, but they are not. They do "Good Things" of course for the Wrong Reasons, but it is the intermittent Absent of Abuse that creates the Illusion of Love. The Absence of Abuse is NOT the presence of Love, ONLY the Absence of Abuse. However, it is only until we leave the KoN, when the FOG (Fear Obligation & Guilt) is no longer around to obstruct our vision from discovering the True Identity of the N or P can we then see the Toxic Abusive Relationship for what it is & the Toxic Abusive Person for who s/he is . We are not responsible for finding ourselves in a KoN, in a Toxic & Abusive Relationship. We did not cause the abuse. Ns and Ps are ALWAYS responsible for the Abuse they cause to others. Everyone who finds themselves in a N's or P's KoN is a Victim and we must ask ourselves, How long are we going to Volunteer to clean up the Huge Toxic Mess the N's & P's cause? It is not the presence of Good Things that makes a Good, Healthy Relationship, but rather the Absence of Harmful, Toxic, Abusive, Bad Things.
The Thing with Abusive People, Narcissists, Sociopaths, or Psychopaths, aka Bad Cups, is that they not only cause a Huge Mess, but the very thing that caused them to be Damaged & Bad contaminates what we pour into them & transforms something Healthy into something Very Toxic. And when we take in what comes from them it can destroy us.
It is in the realization that the Broken Cup not only does Bad Things, but is actually a Bad Thing that we can then come to the conclusion and accept that the Bad Cup is completely worthless & has no purpose. Toxic Things have no purpose in Life only the intent to destroy what is Good.
This brings me to my DD's final question,
Mommy What are you going to do with the Bad Cup?
What do we do with all the Bad Cups in this World? We can either put the Bad Cup in the Trash and it joins the other Garbage, reeks havoc on our Environment, and continues to be harmful to others, or we can Recycle it. We believe in Recycling. This Bad Cup is placed with other Recyclable Trash and will be sent to the Recycle Factory where it can be sorted out and placed with like items to be placed into the Fire to be completely destroyed. Who knows if what comes out on the other end will be of Better Quality. In theory the Blazing Fire is suppose to purify all Bad Things. However, there is also another theory that says, Garbage in, Garbage out. What is Toxic can never become Healthy. We can not burry Toxic Things, because where ever they go they contaminate their surroundings, and become a Danger to Others. Toxic Things can not be fixed, they must be obliterated, annihilated, and cease to exist to prevent causing harm to others.
Our Society sentences Murderers to Death, but what about those Serial Soul Murderers known as Narcissists and Sociopaths? Serial Soul Murderers get away with their crimes at least until their Final Judgment Day where they will be placed in an Eternal Furnace & due to their Toxic Evil Nature they will not be Recycled.