Monday, August 1, 2011

Don't Get Played on the Teeter-Totter Relationship

An analogy of being in an unstable, unhealthy relationship with a N is like riding a Teeter-Totter.

Think back to your Childhood, riding a Teeter-Totter takes two, and the Teeter-Totter Experience whether or not it is going to be enjoyable or not depends on who you are riding with. An Enjoyable Teeter-Totter Experience is based on Reciprocated Empathy. It is a fluid, osculating process from Independence, Interdependence, and Intradependence. It is a fine interaction of keeping your partners needs in balance with your own. And since no two people are exactly alike achieving, and especially maintaining Psychological Equilibrium is a whole lot easier said then done.

A Relationship with a N is much like a Teeter-Totter, when you see others in a continued momentum of highs and lows, there is a lot of excitement, drama, and activity, and they are appearing to have fun, so you are tempted to get on the Teeter-Totter. At first it is intoxicating, but eventually if you stay on too long, you can lose your equilibrium, get off balance, get sick, and even take a fall. The Teeter-Totter Relationship is very deceptive. What once feels intoxicating just turns out to be plain toxic. Just like Desperately Dancing with the Disordered.

I have heard People say that constant, stable, reliable, and predictable relationships are boring. Much like getting on a Tetter-Totter and creating Perfect Equilibrium between the two partners. Neither Person is up or down, but can look at each other eye to eye.

I can assure you that in Healthy, Loving Relationships, you don't always see eye to eye. There are differences. The difference between Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships is that in Heathy Loving Relationships when disagreements occur it doesn't become a battle to get our way at the expense of someone we love. We keep in mind that the other Person is our Partner and not our Advisory or Nemesis. Disagreement doesn't turn us into Instant Enemies. We see each others as Equals who respectfully express his/her own opinions, ideas, and choices. It is keeping in mind that we are on the same Team and have the same Goal which is to have a Loving Relationship, and to show the other Person they are Loved. When both People have the exact same Goal to Love One Another, and operate out of what is best for us rather than what is best for me, then a Stable Loving Relationship can be achieved and maintained. It is when One Person's Ego or Pathology gets in the way and they start thinking what can I get out of this Relationship instead of what can I contribute and give to the other Person.

Toxic Relationships consists of Emotionally Bankrupted People who believe, think, and feel that the other Person owes them, and they are constantly out to collect. Like a Cruel Debt Collector, the Emotionally Bankrupt Person who lacks Empathy will do what ever to get what s/he feels is owed to him/her. They are constantly looking for how they can have the advantage, and take the advantage. In Toxic Relationships things are not given away freely, they are taken and stolen through deception, manipulation, and force. Toxic Relationships are filled with users and abusers. When we find ourselves in Toxic Relationships we have 3 choices; (1) Leave the Relationship, go No Contact (NC) (2) Remain in the Relationship and Remain the Victim (3) Become like them (overt & covert Ns), if you can't beat them join them, and find another victim to use and abuse. Toxic Relationships are about Victimization, you are either a Victim, or an Abuser (either the Primary Abuser, the obvious Overt N, or the Secondary Abuser which is the Covert N who does nothing to stop the Primary Abuser, so if someone does nothing to stop the abuse, then s/he is supporting it by his/her lack of action.).

Ns (Overt Ns) and Enablers (Covert Ns) actually enjoy the Teeter-Totter Relationship of I'm on Top, Oh No You're Not, I'm on Top, -- Oh No You're Not, I'm on Top -- Oh No You're Not, I'm on Top, etc. The only type of People who can sustain this for a prolonged period of time are Damaged and Disordered People. As a former Damaged Person, due to two Psycho Parents, once I knew there was another way to live, and I didn't have to live like this any more, I got Help to Heal, so that I could Repair, instead of Repeat, and then I Replaced the Teeter-Totter Relationships with Healthy Relationships based on Equality & Reciprocation of Authentic Love. To watch others in a Teeter-Totter Relationship makes me sick, and I don't want any part of it. It is not tempting at all to me. It is not even Familiar, because Healthy Authentic Love is my New Normal. I can not stand to be around Ns. I don't want to be in the Poisonous Playground, aka the KoN (Kingdom of Narcissism), and I don't want to be on their Toxic Teeter-Totter. I know the Red Flags, and I leave in the opposite direction as soon as I detect & identify a N near by.

Have you ever watched and closely observed Children on a Teeter-Totter? I think this would be a great way to test potential, or even a level of Narcissism in a Child. Scientist say that a Child's Personality is formed very early, before a Person reaches Adulthood (around 18 or 21). What I have observed is that one's Nature is what we are all born with, it is constant in quality, and only gets stronger in Time. Those with a Good Nature get Better, and those with a Bad Nature get Worse.

I use to be an opponent of the Bad Seed Theory, that there was Goodness in Everyone, we just had to dig deep enough, love the other Person long enough and strong enough, and the Goodness locked up inside of them will just be released, grow and bloom. I want People to notice the Good in me, and I looked for the Good in Others. When I messed up it wasn't because I was a Bad Person, just made a Bad Choice, or a Bad Mistake. If there is Good in me even though I mess up, then there has gotta be Good in Others too.  This is usually the case, because the majority of People are Good Natured People. This is a combination of Transference & Projection. Most Psychological Theories are based on Assumptions & Projection, no one wants to believe that someone is actually born Bad, lacking Empathy & Remorse and Enjoys Hurting Others.

I did not want to believe that People are Born Mean, lacking Empathy & Remorse. I wanted to believe that ALL People are basically Good, that all we had to do is teach and counsel others to be Good (Kind, Thoughtful, Empathetic, Compassionate, etc), to show them how to Love by Loving them in spite of them hurting us. Eventually the Good in them will take over the Unhealthy, the Damaged, the Pathological, the Disorder, and they would eventually be Safe, Healthy Loving People.  Maybe they would just be limited. and not as Loving as others, but at least a little bit of the Qualities it takes to have a  limited Relationship, referred to as a Hallmark Relationship.

After over 20 years, I have discovered that the Evidence does not support the Theory that in Every Person there is Good. There are Toxic People who being Mean, Hurtful, Harmful, and Bad towards others makes them feel Good. Therefore they don't change no matter how much Unconditional Love we give them. In fact giving Toxic People Unconditional Love and Cheap Forgiveness makes them worse not better, because in their minds we have just shown them what they can get away with, so they keep pushing it, and NC is the only way to get them to stop hurting others, because Ns lack a conscience, think they are superior to others, and see no need to change. In their twisted mind, it is not their abuse towards us that is the problem, but rather we won't accept the abuse towards us, and hold them accountable & responsible. They will not change for the better only the worse. The only way to change a Toxic Relationship is to get out of the Toxic Relationship. NC = No Target

There is a Theory that the N's Pathology is due to Pathological Parenting, some sort of abuse in Childhood. This may explain their Pathology, the Ns Psychological Problem, but it does not explain their Spiritual Problem. It does not explain their Evil Nature. If it was only a matter of Bad, Unhealthy Parenting, then the N, like the Children of Nparents, who the Nparent abused & damaged can be Re-Parented, and their Psychological Wounds can Heal & be Repaired . Therapy, Counseling, and Re-Parenting does not work on the N not because of their psychological problems, but because of the Spiritual Problem which is their Evil Nature. Those who have been Damaged by Nparents can Heal and Repair, so we don't Repeat, and we can Replace what was unhealthy, toxic, evil and wrong with healthy, loving, good, and right ways of doing things, because our Nature is one of Love not Evil. A N's Nature is Evil, and that is why Ns can't change and wont change. I had a strong desire to change, and to heal the hurt the Nparents caused, and I didn't want to hurt others, but Ns enjoy hurting others, so they wont change. Ns are the Bad Seed. Ns would be Toxic no matter how they were Nurtured because their Nature is Evil.

The only Theory that has stood the test of time is Free Will and Choice. We have the Choice to Repeat or Repair, then Replace. There are Ns who have had Loving Parents, and still turned out to be Ns. There are Many People like myself who had Nparents (I had two), plus a Psycho Predator Uncle, plus a Predator Teacher. IF the Theory is true that Toxic Nurture makes a N, then I should be a N at least at some level, but I have off the chart Empathy for others, because my Nature is Good, and most importantly because I have experienced Amazing Authentic Love from Jesus, and those who Truly have a Personal Relationship with Jesus. It is my choice to be like Christ, and not like the Psycho Parents.

So can Ns with a Bad Nature choose to have Good Behavior? Seems impossible due to their Bad Nature, Right? However when we consider that the N's abuse is Victim Specific, meaning they only abuse certain People, then we discover that their cruelty is conscious and controlled which in my book makes them Evil beings. For more details on Conscious or Unconscious attacks, Click Here. Since the Ns abuse is conscious & controlled and the attacks are Victim Specific, does that mean that the Ns just need to simply choose not to abuse? Is it a really a matter of choice, and therefore all that we need to do is Re-Parent the N to make Good Choices?

The Pathology of the N must be evaluated by case by case bases. Low level Ns can adapt a Managed Behavior technique (i.e., don't attack others), and although their behavior has changed their Nature is constant meaning that they will always have the desire to hurt others, so they usually find very covert & subtle, ambient ways of achieving their need to do harm. A N's behavior is not managed because all of a sudden they have the ability to have Empathy. No, it changes because the threat of NC. They manage their behavior not because they have compassion & concern for others, but because they don't want lose something. Do you see the difference?

Please don't get me wrong. A Toxic & Abusive Environment does have a dramatic effect on a Person, and is very detrimental to one's character develop and hinders a Person from who s/he was created to be without enduring Abuse. I believe there is a combination effect of Nurture & Nature, because Toxic Parents create a Toxic Environment. Each case of a Damaged or Disordered Person is Person Specific meaning that we must investigate the Environment of the Person's Childhood, AND the Genetics in the Family Tree. Only future science will be able to factor out which cause took the Primary role in each specific case. The bottom line is that we all have a choice to be Helpful or Harmful to others.

As much as I do not want to believe in the Bad Seed Theory, and I don't want to believe that a Baby is born Bad, the Evidence proves that Ns are born Ns -- at least the higher level Ns. Nism is a very strong & persistent genetic component or trait. I have observed in every Family there is a N (of one degree or another) somewhere in the Family Tree, regardless of the Nature of the Nurture that was given. Perhaps the N is not directly in the immediate Family (Parents, Children, and Siblings), but the N can be located in the extended Family Members, a Grand Parent, Aunt or Uncle, or Cousin.

In my DH's Family there are 4 kids. To this day we all know who the Golden Child is and although she has and in covert ways still is on the very top of the Toxic Totem Pole of Favoritism she has the least of Empathy out of the four kids. This may support the Nurture Theory, except her sister who was also a Golden Child (a VERY close second to the #1 Golden Child), has such a Beautiful Loving Spirit and full of Empathy for others. In the Theory the #2 Golden Child and the Scapegoat on the very bottom of the Toxic Totem Pole of Favoritism should be jealous & envious Ns, but they are the complete opposite of that. They are highly Empathetic People, always giving of themselves and helping others, not because they feel like they have to earn someone's love, but because they just enjoy helping others.

It is their choice to be a Compassionate Loving People, but I also believe it is part of their Compassionate Spirit, and Nature which has grown through their Personal Relationship with Christ. My Loving Sister-in-Love has always been a kind Person, because it was in her Nature, but these past two years since she has become a Christian, and most importantly has a Personal Close Relationship with Christ she has become even MORE Compassionate. Due to her up bringing my SIL, like the Golden Child, should be a Self-Absorbed Diva or have N-tendencies, but she is just the opposite. She is involved with Community Activities and Outreach Programs, and is a joy to be around.

There is a Theory that All Children are Narcissistic in Nature. While they are use to the World revolving around them since birth, some Children make the transition that the Entire World does not revolve around them, while others still believe and demand that the World revolves around them. Let's look at how Children react to the Tetter-Totter Experience. Some Children enjoy the smooth transitional movement of the Teeter-Totter as they go peacefully up and down on the Teeter-Totter experiencing the different physical change, movement, and perspective, and taking in their surroundings. Then there are some Children that turn the Teeter-Totter Experience into a Fierce Competition. They have their eyes fixated on the other Person, and can't wait to be on top in order to see their Friend on the bottom. The flip side of this, especially in regards to Younger ChildreN who do not like to be vulnerable & out of control enjoy staying grounded on the bottom, and trapping their Friends suspended at the top, unable to get their feet back on the ground.

Highly Compassionate, Empathetic and Loving kids (those above Average, Normal kids) would (1) Never trap a Friend because they know the fear it would cause in their Friend and they care for their Friend, so they would never trap their Friend. And (2) Normal kids, the Average kid, would think I wouldn't want that done to me, so I wont do it to my Friend. Normal kids will see their Friend getting worried, and let them down. A Direct Correlation can be observed from the amount, or how many times a Friend has to plea or ask to be released from their Suspended Trap. How many times does the other Child have to ask? Does the other Child have to break down in tears?

Then the Parents notice the terrified Child, and the Parent of the trapped Child comes to the rescue.

While you are in the actual process of rescuing your Child take a quick glance at the other Child. Did you see the wicked smirk or smile? Watch it turn to worry when the Child notices that you and his/her Parent have noticed that other Child, your Child, is terrified & upset. It is our Projected Empathy as well as a little Denial that makes us misinterpret the Offending Child's worry. The Offending Child is not worried for the terrorized Child, because if the Offender truly had Empathy and Concern s/he would not be terrorizing the other Child in the first place. No the Offending Child is worried for him/herself, worried what kind of trouble s/he will be in for being mean & hurtful to the other Child.

Watch what the Offending Child does next. Does s/he begin to cry? Again look out for your own Projected Empathy! The Offending Child is not crying out of concern or compassion for the other Child that s/he terrorized, but rather for him/herself because they are worried about getting in trouble. They Offender is not Sorry for what s/he has done, only Sorry for getting caught hurting someone else. Keep watching! The Offending Child will have no Authentic Remorse, Concern, or Compassion for the terrorized Child, and will only be crying in order to avoid accountability.

Watch how it plays out. The Offender takes the focus off of the Victim who s/he terrorized by out-crying the Victim. The attention is off the Victim, and is now on the Offender due to his/her Deceptive Act. The Offending Child's Parent is impressed by how bad her Child feels, and the other deceived Parent of the Victim is also impressed by all the Counterfeit Remorse, and tells her Child who was victimized by the Offending Child, look how bad s/he feels, and instead of People comforting the Victim they are now comforting the Offender.

Watch carefully does the Offending Child ever go to the Child s/he has victimized to comfort her/him? Nope. Why Not? Again watch out for your own Projected Empathy. It is not because the other Child feels Bad, Guilty, Embarrassed, or Ashamed, it is because the Offending Child lacks Empathy and Remorse, and has no desire to Comfort someone s/he has hurt.

Watch the Parent of the Offender try to encourage her Offending Child to have compassion and comfort the hurt Child. Is there resistance? Does the Offender instead turn on the tears to avoid having to do something s/he does not want to do? The Offender does not want to have Compassion for the Person s/he just terrorized, and wants all the attention him/herself, and is a young little N soaking up NS.
In other words, everyone else just got Played!


  1. Letting have a keen ability for analogies. A lot to digest here but you're right, a relationship with a Narcissist is like being on a teeter totter for too long.

  2. Thank You Cheshire. I don't know what it is with me and analogies. It just helps to explain the unexplainable, to make visible & tangible what is unseen & hard to grasp. The KoN has eluded me for most of my Life, but I see things clearly now. It is one thing to gain a psychological perspective, and it is a whole new world when you see the N's Evil Nature.

    I am learning a lot about the difference between the Sin Nature, and the Evil Nature of Ns and Sociopaths. This is a wicked world in which we live that promotes, encourages, and supports both the Sin & Evil Nature and looks down upon those who in my eyes are Above Normal or Above Average, because they are Highly Empathetic, Loving, Compassionate People.

    My own observation is that those who are below average (Higher level Ns and Sociopaths) are about the same number or percentage of the Human Population as those who are Above Average (Highly Empathetic or Highly Sensitive People, aka HSP's) -- estimated 10-15%. Talk about the Bell-Shaped Curve of Human Beings -- although high level Ns, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths have lost their humanity due to their Evil Nature, so in reality they don't even make the Curve.

    Through in the lower level Ns, the covert Ns, and much of what is referred to as "Normal Narcissism" and you get a very negative skewed shaped curve, which would explain the reports that Narcissism is on the rise. The World is definitely over populated with Ns, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths and we HSP's are a minority group, some would say an Endangered Population.

    The question is -- Is Narcissism on the Rise, or is it just being Revealed
    or more readily detected due to the information that is being shared?

    I would theorize that it is a combination of both with the strongest component being that the N population is growing due to the very strong genetic influence not to mention Popular Society creates the perfect Toxic Environment for these beings to flourish and multiply.

    The books of Psychology & Sociology would say that Ns are just being revealed due to all the information that is being shared. That we can just detect them better than before. However. . .

    The Holy Handbook teaches us that the Ns (Evil-Doers) will increase in Population, there will be an Anti-Christ that brings about World Peace, and puts the Ns in their place, being the Counterfeit Savior or Messiah, so that People will be deceived and led away from GOD.

    How is this possible? Most Religious Organizations do not teach about Evil-Doers, and how to detect them. They misidentify them as those with a Sin Nature and place them in the Normal Population. All will be revealed in Time.

  3. Really enjoyed reading the teeter-totter analogue. Explains how power over others and one's personal power play out in this partner to partner interaction on a teeter-totter. Funny how I can remember as a child not wanting too play with someone on a teeter-totter because they refuse to play "fair".

    Another interesting part of your blog was the question or expectation that each of us have good in us. I too believe there must be some good in each person. Not until I lived with a toxic dysfunctional person for 17 years did I finally come to the conclusion that some people are just bad/evil. A personal lesson hard to learn but once learned never will be forgotten. That hurting others give them that "power over" another person (victim) and a sense of control. Their abusive nature gives them a sense of power control and supply (Narcissistic) from their selective victim(s). It's this sense of "power over" their selective victim (child) on a teeter-totter. Watching the fear and shame on the child face and all the while bathing in a grandiosely sense of power over the situation. Not unlike what a toxic dysfunctional person will feel whenever they choose to abuse their victim. This choice to abuse is in part on a spiritual level and I remind myself that if there is a spiritual good in society, then there will also be a spiritual evil. I believe we grow spiritually with the company we kept. If it's healthy loving spiritual company, we will grow from that but if it's a toxic spiritual evil company, we will grow from that as well. In ending there is no light in darkness and no darkness in light. One will over power that other whenever both come together.

  4. Thanks James for taking the time to read and comment and most importantly that you got what I was trying to convey in my writing. You are right about the Personal Life Lesson that is "hard to learn but once learned never will be forgotten" about the fact that there is NOT Good in every Person. Have this knowledge and more importantly having Applied Knowledge is a great benefit & will enhance the quality of our lives, so that we are not trying to love a N into changing into something s/he can not become -- a Healthy Loving Compassionate Person. What ever Ns do is Self-Serving.

    I like your statement, "In ending there is no light in darkness and no darkness in light." It goes along with what I say about Love. Where there is Love there is no abuse and where there is abuse there is no Love. Love is Light and Abuse is definitely darkness.

  5. "Where there is Love there is no abuse and where there is abuse there is no Love"

    How true!

    And how I personally witness how abuse robs us of love security and the ability too bond with one another.

  6. James you are so right about how abuse, especially Child Abuse robs us of so much. It has long-term effects that can also destroy one's ability to Parent. When the heart and soul are deeply wounded a wall of protection is created for survival sake. It is a testament to Christ who teaches me how to be a Loving Person & a Loving Parent and to open my heart and it is okay if others hurt it because Jesus has healed from much worse from the Psycho Parents. It is because I know what Amazing Love is that I have the ability to bond with others and risk the occasional hurt. There are Wonderful People out there who want to have the ability to deeply bond and connect with you and for those from NFOO these Fantastic People redefine what true Family is all about. Family is defined by Love not Biology.

  7. I still have vivid memories of being abandoned on the teeter-totter as a child and how my tailbone hurt after hitting that hard ground. I learned you had to keep an eye on the other kid for signs they were going to "bolt."

    As a teacher, I work with 8 and 9-year-olds. I can tell you that one's personality is pretty much developed by that age (Most behavioral scientists believe it's much earlier - around three years of age.) I've had several children over the years who I believe to my core were sociopaths or even psychopaths. They had zero empathy and laughed when other children cried. Whether they were born that way or were abused/neglected at an early age, I'll never know, But I do know that whatever "caused" it, the result was evil.

  8. Ouch! Planetjan talk about a painful memory in more ways than one. I agree with you that one's personality is solidified at a very early age, and I believe one's nature is constant over a life time and only varies to the smallest of degrees other than a divine intervention. I never believed in the "Bad Seed" Theory, but more and more evidence shows that Individuals are born either Bad or Good due to their innate nature, than the Environment (Nurturing) brings out the best or worst in the individual. Than there is the 3rd Element or influence on the individual which is the Spiritual, again either Good or Evil. Therefore for a particular person there are (3) main influences, one's innate nature which could be considered as the Soul, one's physical environmental condition which impacts the Personality, and one's spiritual environmental condition which impacts one's desire, passion, and purpose -- basically do they want to Help or Hurt others.

    There are many types of influences on a Person that shapes his/her life. The World in which we live is not only a Physical World with physical, tangible, cognitive, behavioral and psychological influences, but there is an unseen world, the Spiritual World that influences the Physical World. The Best Way to explain it is to watch the movie, The Matrix.

    Within each family there are those who are more Empathetic & Compassionate and those who are Selfish & Self Absorbed. Same basic genetics & environments, but very notable differences in their basic Nature, the Good or Bad Seed or the Nice or Narcissistic Nature. This World for the most part influences and nurtures the Narcissistic and brings out the worst. The Spiritual World, God's influence, brings out the best in the individual, where the enemy, diabolical source or diabolical energy also has it's influence. And Free Will makes the difference on what influence is going to make the great impact.