Saturday, August 15, 2009

The Proverbial Last Straw

The Proverbial Last Straw:
My biomother finally destroyed her second longest relationship (over 30 years) with one of two remaining friends. This friend has been closer to her than her own Sister. This friend has also been closer to me than any biological Auntie (let’s call her Auntie M). To make a very long story short; my mom expected me to cut off ties with Auntie M like she has done. Instead of obeying her demands, I repeatedly told her that I was not taking sides, and that there are 3 viewpoints to every situation; yours, hers, and God’s. My biomom decided not to press the issue, because she had a hidden agenda which was she needed a place to stay when she came out to visit family. After all these years of experience I know her better than she knows herself. Therefore, she dropped the disagreement over cutting off ties with my Auntie M until after she arrived at our house, and was settled in, then she thought she could manipulate her hidden agenda to get me to cut ties with my Auntie M.
My biomother and I were enjoying time out in my backyard watching my daughter play and enjoy a carefree life the way only a sweet toddler does. My mother commented on an outside toy that my daughter was riding on. I told her that Auntie M got that for her. And that’s all she needed for the demon to come out. Her entire personality changed. With cold hate-filled eyes and an aggressive tensed-up body (I thought there was smoke from hell coming out of her ears and nostrils!), she angrily said, “Auntie” M that’s like saying Uncle L. (the man who abused me as a child) or Father A. (my biological father who is also a serial child abuser). Biomom made a comparison that what my Auntie M did to her was just as bad "the same thing" as Uncle L and my biodad molesting her 3 daughters. I told her that you can not compare my Aunt kicking her out to Serial Child Molesters attacking her Children. I told her that it is not the same thing. And biomom said, "to me it is the same thing". I has asked biomom not to mention the Child Molesters name in my presence and she brought up their names because she knew it would hurt me. I did not bring up my Auntie's name to hurt her only to state a fact of who bought my daughter the toy. I have considered Auntie M an Auntie for over 30 yrs. Just because my Mom destroyed her relationship with her does not mean that I have to end my relationship with Auntie M. Because I will not do what biomom wants, then she will do what she can to hurt me by bringing up the Child Molesters.
My Aunt M had to get a court order to remove my mom from my Aunt’s own house, because of an escalated situation that happened with my mom saying, “something bad was going to happen if my Aunt didn’t leave her alone”. Of course my mom has no accountability, accepts no responsibility, and no remorse for her threat, or anything else she did while living with my Aunt (not paying rent, eating my Auntie's food, using my Auntie's house phone instead of her own cell phone, blasting the air to 65 to 60 degrees in the middle of Summer and opening the windows up to let the warm air out in the Middle of winter, and it goes on and on). Instead of moving out on her own months prior, which I recommended several times, my biomom let her relationship deteriorate with my Auntie to where my Auntie had to kick her out. 
 Instead of leaving on her own when things obviously go bad between her and someone else biomom purposely waits for things to escalate into a full blown fight, so that people are forced to kick her out, and she then can Play the Victim to triangulate, manipulate, and play one person against the other w/her insidious Smear Campaigns. My biomom has been kicked out of her own Mom & Dad's house, my house and my sisters’ houses several times before due to her mean, heartless, abusive, and toxic behavior. I explained to my biomom that what happened to her in regards to my Auntie taking her to court to remove her from my Auntie's house, even if I believed her side 100%, cannot even be compared to what child abusers have done to her daughters. She replied, “Well, to me it does”. What kind of mother says something like that to her daughter who was hurt by those demons? Did she say that extremely hurtful thing in the heat of the moment, and not have really meant it? My Sisters and I have made excuses for her abuses our entire Life. We did so in order to not face the true nature of biomom which is an evil person who enjoys hurting anyone, even her own children. We got really good at making excuses for her abuses. Her true identity behind the mask she wears is to frightening, so instead we deny reality. The devil will tell you any lie you are willing to believe. Biomom truly means what she says, justifies it, and has no remorse.
That very evening came and went and no apology, no regret, no conscious & no remorse what-so-ever from biomom. I told her that night, when she left for her friend’s house the next morning that she did not have to come back to our home after she was done visiting w/her friend as she previously planned. This of course became a huge issue too, because she never accepts other peoples feelings, especially if their plans are in conflict with hers. She had no acknowledgement, nor remorse for the cruel thing she said to me. She only cares about how she is now inconvenienced by trying to find another place to stay. She just demands that everyone do things her way regardless of how it affects others, and if they don’t then "there is something terribly wrong with that person".
The next morning she packed her stuff up, and waited on our front porch for her friend to pick her up. My husband and I decided to take our Daughter to a petting zoo for the day, and we wanted to leave first thing in the morning, so we did not have to see my biomother at all that morning. We did not wait with her until her friend came to pick her up, because I did not feel like subjecting my Family to my biomom’s toxic attitude of how she’s right, and everyone else is betraying her, because they disagree with her. My biomom sat in a comfortable chair with a footrest, under our covered porch, while a nice summer morning breeze was blowing. She had a cold drink in her hand, and something to read until her friend arrived (these details are very important, because she will later lie about how she had to wait in the hot summer sun, etc.).
While we were getting in our car she wanted to say good-bye -- to my Daughter, because that is the only one she cares about, because she can get unfiltered adoration from my little Daughter to fill the Narcissistic Supply (NS). She asked me, Are you mad at me? Which is N speak for, have you changed your mind, so that I can return to your home, and have a place to stay instead of having to go to a hotel, or better yet guilt someone else to stay with. I told her that I was still mad. She asked, What for? (Selective Amnesia/no conscious). I told her to think, and pray about it. She replied, How could I think (notice not pray) about something I don’t even know? So I told her that because I have asked her several times in the past to not bring up the Monsters names L. or A. in my presence, and she keeps on doing it. She replied, “oh that” (with a very smug & extremely devaluing attitude).
A week and a half past, my biomom was now staying at my youngest sister’s house and she leaves a message on my machine, that thing about L. and M. sorry, but that’s just how I feel.” (manipulation so that later she can say she apologized-no regret, no remorse, no repentance/no conscious, instead a justification for hurting me). Biomom's time in our home state came and went and I avoided further contact with her. Later when she returned to her home state she calls me back (of course because she had a hidden agenda of wanting something from me--an e-mail that her friend C had sent me telling me how my biomom has destroyed her relationship with C and for my biomom not to blame Auntie M. for it, and take responsibility for her own behavior that caused C to end the 40 + friendship).
  Instead of saying that she enjoyed her time spent at our house biomom complained why she didn’t get to see us (meaning my Daughter) more than "just twice" (the week she stayed with us and one day at my sister’s house). She can recall all the details of our visit except the part where she deliberately tried to hurt me. Again I told her the main reason why I was upset with her and she said, “sorry but to me what L & A did [attacking her children] was the same as what M did to me [getting kick out of someone's home]". In my biomom’s narcissistic mind a child abuser viciously hurting her daughter is the same exact thing as her friend/sister kicking her out. She also tried to blackmail me by saying, "if you can keep in contact with M, then I see no reason why I can't talk about A & L" [the child abusers]. Which is N-speak for, if you don't do things my way I am not going to do what you ask from me. Since I didn’t do what she wanted, than she certainly wasn’t going to do something I wanted her not to do. How dare she have to do something for someone, and not get something in return. She is unwilling or unable to put her own Daughters best interest above her own selfish desires.
Side note, years ago when my biomom first found out about L. hurting me, she did not believe I was telling her the truth, and my Auntie M. had to tell her that she believed me, and that she felt I wouldn’t just make something like that up. I was there to witness how my own mom did not believe me -- this is a child's worse fear. My biomom also claims she confronted L., yet continued to socialize with him, and break bread at his house, travel in his car, etc. She brained-washed me into thinking that my grandmother would literally die if she ever found out what L did to me. She didn’t want to tell her sister how her husband hurt me, because that would destroy her barely existing relationship with her sis (extremely limited contact between the two, they were never close). 
 One night when my two sisters got together to confront my biomom on how she was not dealing with this situation with L attacking me, by ignoring it and not telling her sister who is married to L that her husband attacked me, my biomom yelled at my sisters, “What do you want me to do pick up the phone and call her right now?” Thinking that my sister would back down, instead my sister said, Yes that is exactly what I want you to do, right now call her, and she picked up the phone, and handed it to her, but of course she refused. My biomom said that it would be choosing her daughter over her sister, and she would not do that, and no one was going to make her do anything that she doesn’t want to do. 
 Needless to say more years pasted, and biomom never told her sister or her mom, so I did. My grandmother was mad at my mom for not telling her years ago when my mom first found out. My grandmother is still alive to this very day, so fear not of speaking the truth! After this particular night (which was about 10 years ago), my youngest sister and I did our first No Contact with our biomom-which lasted over one year. I should have left things that way, but I didn't. I was encouraged by family & friends to Forgive & Forget, be a Super Christian and a Superwoman who is not affected by her attacks. God spoke to my heart & mind and gave me the knowledge, which I shared with my sisters, that the only hope that our mom had in changing was if all 3 of us girls had nothing to do with her, leave her alone with God, and get out of God’s way. Proof that the only thing that works with a narcissistic/toxic/evil person is NO CONTACT. Although they both agreed neither could follow through so as long as our biomom has one of her Daughters in her life, she has Narcissistic Supply (NS) and the rest do not matter. We are not individuals, but sources for her supply that can be substituted, and replaced with other people as long as they supply what she wants.
Some may think that this is not enough to end a Relationship with one's own Mom -- However, this is just the final straw which might seem insignificant by itself, but it is the totality of a Life Time of abuse from a person who enjoys hurting others, has no remorse, and no desire to change and stop being abusive. She is what the Bible refers to as the unrepentant sinner or what the King James Version refers to as the Reprobate. With Reprobates who do not repent, because they lack remorse due to a lack of conscience than God is clear that we are to have No Contact.


  1. Wow, I admire your courage and bravery. My mother is like yours. Except when she found out about her husband molesting me she said, "why didn't you tell me when I was divorcing him so I could have gotten more money out of him?" That's it. No concern for how I was feeling.
    I have almost NO CONTACT, but still email her. This alone is too much and I have been looking for the strength to break free completely. Thanks so much for giving me this courage.

    1. MH the courage is within you waiting to come out. Sweet Sister it takes one kind of encourage to endure what we have endured and to stay in a relationship with a toxic person, and that same kind of courage is going to lead you to freedom from this toxic person.

      I pray that as you read my journey it helps you with yours. Pruning these toxic people in our lives is essential not only for us to survive, but to thrive. Toxic People kill what GOD is trying to grow in your life. My life has not be easy these past 3 years of having No Contact, but GOD has grown wonderful things in my life that were sooo unexpected and fantastic, and I would never have a chance to experience them if I was trapped in the toxic person's KoN (Kingdom of Narcissism). Let GOD lead you out of the KoN, and into your Destiny.

      Blessings to you MH.