Monday, March 22, 2010

Surviving the Truth

Last year I was at a crossroad in my life. I could either go on like I did my first 40 years and make excuses for the toxic, abusive narcissistic person in my life, or . . . 

I could face the truth that this person is primarily abusive, love is the opposite of evil, abuse is evil, love is not abusive, you don't abuse the ones you love, therefore this person does not love me and since abuse is evil, and this person is abusive, thus this person is evil. 

Once you accept one truth it leads you to another and another until the illusion of the person who you thought you knew is finally and fully exposed and you realize & accept that they are not only a Great Counterfeit, but their true identity is evil

My Counterfeit Mom, aka the momster, continues to have no remorse for her wicked words and evil behavior proving that she has no conscious. Those that have no conscious are evil reprobates that continue to hurt the ones they should love, because they take no responsibility for what they do to others. Evil reprobates view people (family & friends) as mere objects that they can manipulate, control, and abuse to their satisfaction instead of individuals who should be valued, treasured, and loved. Evil reprobates view people as replaceable items such as tires on a car that once served their purpose can be thrown away without a second thought, exchangeable items like shoes, clothes, or a purse that can be replaced by another whenever it suits them, disposable items, like toilet paper -- and we all know what we use toilet paper for! Yuck!

Standing at the Crossroad. There are two roads before me diverging in opposite directions. The familiar one that behind me shows abuse in my past, beside me shows abuse in my present, and down the road leads me to more abuse waiting to attack me.
or. . . 
There is the unfamiliar road that offers Freedom from abuse and a Journey to Healing. This road I hear provides an Escape from the Kingdom of Narcissism (aka the KON) & the reoccurring abuse to a Whole New World of Understanding, Validation & Love. Is it possible to take a different path? Should I take this different path?

When I desperately prayed, God show me the true identity of this toxic person. Is there any redeeming quality of love lying deep down inside her, or is this person really that mean, wicked, and evil? God allowed the last scales of denial to fall from my eyes, and for the first time in my life see this person for the truly cold & calloused hearted, no conscious, no remorse, unchanging/non-repenting evil person she really is. 

Her spell has been broken, no more illusions or delusions. Yes, that truth was scary, very scary, but the Holy Spirit was there to comfort me through this new revelation. It is frightening that the person who gave birth to you is truly evil and feels good when you feel horrible. She feels her best when you are at your worst. That way she can fly in and save the day -- watch out for the fangs, because her help comes with a price! 

Your gratitude will never be enough and she will remind you of all she has done for you when she is in need of a narcissistic fix from you. Narcissistic vampires pretend to be heros, but they are not in it for your good, but their own ego boosting & future leverage, which makes them a fraud and Counterfeit. Oh they may appear to do something good, but it is for the wrong reasons, a hidden agenda. 

They are incapable of keeping your private affairs private, and will brag how they rescued you from "certain despair" to anyone who will listen. This also serves a future purpose for when you explain how the Counterfeit has hurt you, their denial and lies will be believed over your truths, until they hurt that person too, then all of a sudden what you said makes sense to others, that the Counterfeit is not who they appear to be.

After going No Contact (NC) with the "Counterfeit Mother" it was confirmed to me that the person who gave birth to me was no Mother, but a mere egg donor, for the only response she gave to others about me going NC with her was, "then to hell with her!"--and she sincerely means it. Oh this was not the first time she doomed/cursed me to hell.

It took my husband and me 12 years to conceive and bring our beautiful daughter into this world. Along the way we suffered many loses. You would think that during this very painful time in my life my mom would do anything she could to be supportive, well a loving mom would, and she is not that! 

Due to our turbulent, dysfunctional relationship I was under strict doctor's orders to avoid all stress, which meant I had to go on a temporary no contact status with Counterfeit Mom. When I did not ask about how she was doing after talking to my Aunt (because as you know with toxic narcissistic people it is not how we are doing, but all about them), she replied, "well to hell with her!" and she said that to other family members as well. 

When family members would reply to her oh you don't really mean that, giving her lost of opportunities to regret what she said, instead she would remorselessly callously reply "Sorry, but that's just how I feel!" Astonished, shocked, and perplexed they would once again ask her, Do you really mean what you said, about wishing your daughter to go to hell? and Proudly, and heartlessly she would reply "yes, yes I do." 

One morning, towards the end of my 1st trimester, I woke up to a huge puddle of blood. I was having a miscarriage. Was her curse coming true? Good thing God has the first and last word on everything, and even though I lost 1/2 the blood & part of the embryonic sack game loose, God made a miracle and protected our daughter. He sowed her back in so good that later the doc's couldn't even find where the original separation occurred. 

Our God is truly Amazing! With God all things are possible, and what the devil (and his daughter "the Counterfeit Mom") meant for harm, God will do for our blessing & His glory. 

I can only imagine the response the devil's daughter had when the news got back to her that I almost lost my daughter. You would think the rude awakening that her curse tried to steal & kill my daughter would motivate her to be remorseful and change from her evil ways, you would think that, but once again you would be wrong. 

She most likely responded as she always does when one of her children experience something bad during a No Contact time with her, "deserves her right. She reaps what she sows. What goes around comes around. She deserves what she gets" She has made these same exact evil remarks to me about my siblings during their trials. 

Even after all this we still let her meet our daughter, and a year later let her stay with us for a couple of days until, The Proverbial Last Straw. There are countless accounts of the "Counterfeit Mom" covert & overt attacks to hurt her adult children, as well has the horrific physical, psychological, and spiritual abuse we had to endure in our childhood that created very deep soul wounds, that she has not one bit remorse for -- hard to imagine momster like that, I know. It is not just in horror movies, it is real life.

The "Counterfeit Mom"/devil's daughter is truly in all sense of the word is evil and does not love me because evil is incapable of love. Evil is as Evil does. The truth nearly killed me.

How many of the following characteristics describe the toxic, abusive, person in your life--or the person who was in your life exhibit?

Evil as defined by


morally wrong or bad; immoral; wicked: evil deeds; an evil life.
harmful; injurious: evil laws.
characterized or accompanied by misfortune or suffering; unfortunate; disastrous: to be fallen on evil days.
due to actual or imputed bad conduct or character: an evil reputation.
marked by anger, irritability, irascibility, etc.: He is known for his evil disposition.
that which is evil; evil quality, intention, or conduct: to choose the lesser of two evils.
the force in nature that governs and gives rise to wickedness and sin.
the wicked or immoral part of someone or something: The evil in his nature has destroyed the good.
harm; mischief; misfortune: to wish one evil.
anything causing injury or harm: Tobacco is considered by some to be an evil.
a harmful aspect, effect, or consequence: the evils of alcohol.
a disease, as king's evil.
in an evil manner; badly; ill: It went evil with him.

the evil one, the devil; Satan.
bef. 900; ME evel, evil, OE yfel; c. Goth ubils, OHG ubil, G ├╝bel,OFris, MD evel

1. sinful, iniquitous, depraved, vicious, corrupt, base, vile, nefarious. See bad1. 2. pernicious, destructive. 6. wickedness, depravity, iniquity, unrighteousness, corruption, baseness. 9.disaster, calamity, woe, misery, suffering, sorrow.

1. righteous.

Evil is an accurate term to use to describe toxic & abusive people. It is not an over statement. I hope & pray the world would accept it and use it more often. For many years my siblings & I joked around and said the Counterfeit Mom was evil & was the devil's daughter, but we didn't fully mean it because to accept that to be a truth is something we were afraid to face, however, fear not!

Knowing that your Counterfeit Mom/egg donor is evil will literally scare the hell out of you. Thank you God for holding my hand and walking me through this very painful, scary & healing revelation. Thank you for Your perfect timing of sending me an awesome husband, child, and friends to focus on and count my blessing while I burry the dead dreams of having a mother (even in the smallest sense of the word). Yes, folks it was my choice to leave an evil Counterfeit Father & Mother, but I still feel like that I have been orphaned by evil. Now I have no parents what-so-ever (except Father God), and even at the age of 40+ it is hard to bare that I have been orphaned by evil. However, God got me through it and He will get you through it too! Here is a great song that describes what I have been going through -- maybe some of you can relate?

Clay Aiken - I Survived You

God bless Clay Aiken!

What are your favorite songs that inspire you to go NC or inspire you to maintain NC?

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