Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Did you do your homework?

When I was a child doing my homework was my way to survive the chaos of the KoN, ironically doing my homework also gave me the ability to escape the KoN.

Did you enjoy doing homework as a child or when you were in College?
Was it something you looked forward to or dreaded, postponed, and procrastinated until the very last moment?

When it came to writing I was a professional procrastinator. I knew exactly how long it would take me to turn out an (A) paper and I waited until the very last minute to get it done. I am not sure why I had such an aversion to writing, I suspect it had a lot to do w/the KoN because since I have left it I can not seem to stop writing and some of my writing is actually connecting w/other people which is an unexpected blessing & joy for me.

In College I gained an appreciation of the Scientific Method.
I especially loved math because it was constant and consistent. There was no arguing, no confusion, no chaos, and no gaslighting like in the KON. Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow 1 + 1 = 2 that never changes. There is a saying in the research world, "Statistics never lie, but Statisticians do." The confounding element of the human influence. Both my research and art background taught me how to look at things more objectively to remove myself out of the equation. I discovered the art of research in that there are mathematical rules, yet certain elements carry more weight than others. This explains why things may or may not add up right. I also discovered in research, like in life there is a Confirmation Bias.
We jump to our conclusion before weighing all the evidence in an objective manner. We are personally invested in a certain outcome so we do not equally consider alternative conclusions. Therefore we search for evidence that supports/confirms the outcome we desire and ignore the conflicting evidence that leads to a different conclusion then we want & believe in. Researchers do it often, after investing so much into their research and finding evidence that their theory or hypothesis was incorrect, instead of admitting their theory was wrong they find excuses to explain why their methodology (how they gathered the info) was wrong. These researches will blame themselves and "take one for the team" rather than to accept what they believe in, or who them believe in, what they base their theory on is wrong. Nobody likes to admit they are wrong. Accepting a reality that contradicts your personal belief is extremely difficult even for trained professionals.

Maybe you never enjoyed doing homework, but grew an appreciation for the rewards doing your homework & studying brings.

There is a difference between doing your homework, completing the assignment, and studying the information. Some people are quick studies and can do their homework, require the new information and past the test. For the quick studies, just completing their homework is efficient for passing the test. However, for most of us, we need to invest more time into studying new information. Additional studying is essential & required to gain a deeper understanding and application.

For information that I was already familiar with, had been exposed to in the past and made sense to me, I could make a personal connection with or relate to, I was a quick study. To information that was completely foreign to me and made no sense, I struggled with and it took a lot of studying to acquire. Studying about pathology, (i.e., narcissism & other personality disorders) made sense on a intellectual level, but I had trouble applying it to my own personal life because I could not personally relate to it, it made no sense, and I failed to make the connection. Everything I read about pathology from textbooks to self-help books refers to pathology as a personality disorder, which it is, but it is also much more than that -- it is a soul disorder which explains the lack of conscious from pathological people. It is this lack of conscious which gives them the ability to hurt others on purpose, lack remorse, because they actually find some level of pleasure in the pain of others, especially those who are closest to them.

The root of pathology is evil, to understand evil is to understand pathology.

To gain a better understanding of evil I went to the oldest & most reliable resource there is . . . the Holy Handbook. There are others, but this is the best because it has stood the test of time.

Do you know of any other books that talk about a pathological person's evil nature?A friend of mine has recommended a book called Emotional Vampires. I haven't gotten around to reading it yet or even purchasing the book, but the title alone has got my attention.

Just recently another friend of mine shared the following quote and I want to pass it on to you:

"According to ancient Asian philosophy, life is not a circle but a spiral. Every life lesson that has ever been presented to you (which means everything you have ever been through) will come back again, in some from, until you learn it. And the stakes each time will be higher. Whatever you have learned will bear greater fruit. Whatever you have failed to learn will bear harsher consequences.
The Buddha taught us that we each have one person to save-ourselves. Each of use gets one life in which to do that. This one. He also, allegedly, taught that we will not allow ourselves to awaken as long as we are doing something we don't feel good about." ~ Cheri Huber

In doing your homework and learning something new it is important to consider your style or modality of learning. There (4) elements to learning, hearing it which is Auditory, seeing it which is Visual, Tactile which is touch, and making a Personal/Emotional connection with ones own life. Auditory & Visual Learning are found in Traditional Learning Environments (schools, College, Workshops, etc). Students who can adapt to these styles are successful in school and those who can not "appear" to have a learning disability, until some great researchers discovered Tactile Learning. Tactile learners require information to be tangible, so that they can make connection & acquire the new information. Emotional Learners need the new information to connect with them on a personal level.

The most powerful learning takes place when we incorporate all our senses. This is very important to remember, especially in regards to relationships. We become conditioned to or attracted to a person when every aspect of our self is invested in that person. Unconsciously all of our senses are responding positively or negatively to another person. That is why you never have a second chance to make a first impression. It is crucial for species survival to make accurate assessments of situations regarding others. We need to quickly determine whether or not someone is a friend or foe. This absolute decision making is in our DNA because it serves a purpose. Once we determine if someone is a friend or foe that decision becomes solidified and is very difficult to change in any direction. Helpful tip to remind self to reserve our final decision until there has been sufficient time to consider all the evidence. If we are honest w/ourself and look back at our toxic relationship, our intuition did not fail us, we failed to listen to our intuition, or misinterpret the messages it was giving us. Perhaps the heightened flight response was confused for being a heightened arousal or attraction response. The increased heart rate & adrenalin rush can be confusing. In the beginning the toxic person is extremely deceptive & makes a very good impression and it is very hard to change first impressions even when there is evidence that states our first impression, or better yet the true nature of a person was wrong. As time goes by our connection strengths as we become even more attracted & conditioned to this toxic Counterfeit. Then the Devaluing & Discard happens and we must learn to "Unlove" toxic people or we remain in a State of Devastation to some degree or another. If you can learn to "Unlove" the toxic person before the Discard, then you can avoid the extremely painful Devastation Stage. There is still pain and sadness from ending a relationship, even a toxic one, but it is nothing like being Devastated from the Discard.

What is your Modality of Learning?

For me I am an emotional, visual, and tactile learner. You can tell me things over and over, you can write it out and I can read it over and over, but until I write it out myself w/paper & pen, visually see it myself, and objectively look at all the evidence myself, then make an emotional/personal connection to the new information I will miss the point. You can tell someone what to do through auditory or written words, you can physically show them how to do it, or supervise them & have them do it themselves. And the best way to know that you have learned something is to teach it to someone else.

Escaping the KoN is about, Searching for Truth, Finding Truth, Accepting Truth and Applying Truth to your life. Applying the Truth is difficult because is results in dramatically changing one's life and change is a challenge for most people.

All my life I was desperately searching for evidence that the N loved me, the Confirmation Bias, and that was not working, so I had to change how I went looking for Truth. Instead of looking for evidence on the N loves me, I looked for evidence on How the N loves me Not -- and the evidence of that stacked up, was over-whelming, very clear, so all that was left was Accepting and Applying the very painful truth of N loves me Not!

So how do we Learn to Unlove a toxic person? How do we un-condition ourself? How do we break the connection, so we can disconnect?

These are some things that have worked for me, so give them a try. The only thing you got to lose is a toxic relationship!

Let's start w/the first homework assignment of Writing It Out to Get It Out. This is a helpful tool many therapist utilize with their clients.

Have you made your S/He loves me Not list?
This is a list of all the things the toxic person has said or done to hurt you.

I know you have it in your head, but write it out on paper, this will make a huge difference in your life.

Have you written this out yet? If not, that is your Homework Assignment tonight!
This will help you get a new visual to see the N how s/he really is instead of how you want him/her to be.

In fact, let's add an additional assignment, for those who want to do extra credit, draw a picture of the N -- What does s/he look like to you w/out his/her mask? Break out the markers and go for it!

This is part (1) of your homework assignment.

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