Saturday, June 26, 2010

Independence Day, Saying Good Bye to the KON

In May we celebrated Memorial Day. A time to remember true Heros both living & those who have transcended into eternity. Unfortunately any day that we remember what happened in the Kingdom of Narcissism (KON) is not a happy Memorial Day. If only going NC brought instant amnesia of the KON, but it doesn't, it takes time. I use to fight the memories of the KON, but that only made themmore powerful, resistance = persistence. I guess we have to treat the memories like background white noise, and not focus on it or give it too much value or importance when we hear it. Like the neighbors annoying barking dog, at first it is very stressful & irritating, and gets on our every nerve, then it seems the dog's bark gets weaker and weaker over time, so much that you don't hear it anymore, perhaps the dog finally went away, or it died, and it is now time to bury the dead dog.

In the USA on July 4th we celebrate what we refer to as our Independence Day!

When I discovered the problem was the SUPER-SIZED N Momster and not me, that was my first Independence Day. Just knowing that I was not in any way responsible for the abuse she gave and the chaos that she created was FREEING. Just theknowing that it really is all about them being a N and not about us is AWESOME. Recently I came to the painful truth that the one-way relationships that I had with my Sibs are because at some level they too are Ns. It is not about me not being able to be a good enough Sib, skilled enough Peace Keeper or designated family psychologist/Life Coach to fix what is broken, or not even being a strong enough Super Woman to tolerate the sting of the N-bullets, or not being worthy of their love, but their inability or unwillingness to reciprocate love.

It is time to say Good Bye (at least for now) to the Narcissistic People in my life. I officially went NC w/the Troll Mother last year and I am not going to do anything fancy & formal this time w/the Nsibs, just NC on my end with one very toxic Sib and extremely low contact w/the lower level nSib.

Rewiring a new belief system is interesting and rewarding work.--Eyes

For me I had to clear out the old belief system and install a
completely new one.
In a nutshell, Family Transcends mere Biology. I knew this in my head, but not deep in my soul, not really. I desperately felt I had to keep some sort of my FOO in tact and in contact w/me. What kind of person has no FOO? Well, a very healthy one when you consider your FOO is full of toxic Ns.

Getting rid of suffering is not getting rid of pain. Pain and grieving are non negotiable aspects of being alive but suffering is something that happens in a chronic manner.-- Eyes

(the Healing Journey is not a clear linear process, this is just for illustration purposes)
Life is complex and so are emotions and the healing process. Some days you go forward, some days you go back a little, and you keep traveling onward along your Healing Journey. There is definitely no short cuts to healing. Realizing, Accepting, and Applying the painful truth that your own loved ones do not love you isextremely painful, and I suffered greatly. In fact I wondered will this suffering ever end? Then w/the awesome Help I was receiving the suffering one day lessoned and then. . . lessoned even more as time went by. . . until one day the deep suffering was over and only the painful truth remained. As I dealt w/the painful truth that the Ns were not going to change, and continue to be toxic & hurtful towards me & my FOC, then I had to come to the realization of NC which started the grieving process. And there were days where I thought, Will this ever end? The N-experience is about the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. We must realize that we are Good, and the Ns are Bad, we can never have a loving relationship, and that is the Ugly truth. So after the suffering, after the pain, only the Sad & Ugly Truth remains.

In an ironic way my healing was sort of full circle. I was born into the Kingdom of Narcissism (KON) so everything was always about them, the Nparents, and my birth order reinforced the fact that in regards to Nsibs it was always about themtoo, and now that I have left my baggage behind and left the KON it is with the realization that it is really all about them. The entire N-experience begins & ends w/it being about Ns. It really is their fault the relationship can never work out. I have my own identity separate from them. And as sad as this may seem to some reading this, they don't need nor value me, and I don't need nor value them. This may shock some people, (even my H was a little surprised when I told him how I feel right now) in regards to my NFOO, I do not even like them, and those who are shocked by my statement I would have to say, if you really knew them, you wouldn't like them either, unless you enjoy being used & abused, which I do not. If you knew these people in real life, you would not want them as part of your family or friends, and I don't either.

Sure, would I like to have a loving imperfect FOO for my FOC, yes. But that is nota reality. My H's FOO is not perfect, in fact there has been some dysfunctional issues regarding his parents, but the difference is they have remorse & made changes in how they view & treat people, my NFOO does not. Then there are those great people God brings into our lives that are not blood related, but are soul or spirit related to us. Therefore, I have expanded my definition of Family to include those who truly love, care, and have my best interest at heart -- which is not the NFOO. Family transcends the constraints of mere Biology.

I had a couple of decades to get use to the idea of Letting Go of the NTrollMother She has gone from a Vamp to a Troll because although she remains evil she can no longer hurt me and get her NS. Earlier this year I realized that I have to Let Go of the Nsibs too from the NFOO. It has gotten easier w/ once I learned and accepted that they, much like NTrollM, don't really care about me when I am no longer any use to them they Diss, Dismiss, Devalue & Discard (D&D) until they need something from me. Next time when they come back they will discover, I have Let Go of my role in this Nfamily Horror Movie that I was born into, and they will have to cast someone else to play my part.

I was reminded recently that Ns have 3 acts to their N-performance, Deceived, Devalued and Discarded and that we haven't been just D&D we have been Dx3, or D3 which is the reverse of 3D which explains why we feel like we have been run over by a N-train flatten out and are devastated, hey! another important D word, so maybe our experience is 4-D = Deceived, Devalued, Discarded, and Devastated . . . until we embrace the joy of the LOL.

Now we need to think of something opposite of that to explain the Healing Journey and our Self Discovery! Self-esteem, Self-worth, Self-care, Self-Affirmation -- this is a healthy Self opposed to the one that was in the KON, like the great songs says, Was Lost But Now I'm Found. I guess that sums up the N-experience, Lost n Found, hey that could = Lost the n and now I'm Found! Notice the N has shrunk to n because the N is no longer the center of our world!

At the end of this summer will be One Year of Official NC w/the KON! I guess it is my last Independence Celebration from the KON and this post is really about finding closure and moving on. Perhaps it is time to make a Good Bye List?
Good Bye to . . . all those things the KON represents.

How do you all find closure and move on from the KON?

Are you thinking about saying Good Bye to the Ns in your life?
If so, how are you going to do it?
Are you going to Celebrate and do something special for your Self?


How did you say Good Bye to the Ns in your life?


How do you wish you could have said good bye to Ns in your life?

I love the way these "song birds" say Good Bye To You! I imagine all of us saying Good Bye to the Ns in our life
Hope you enjoy!

Good Buy to everything that I knew. The one thing that I tried to hold onto, Good Bye to you


And of course my favorite! We have Survived the Truth!

For those Italian & Celtic fans who prefer a Classic Good Bye,
Saying Good Bye in any language is beautiful.

I remember years ago going to Las Vegas and watching the beautiful dancing fountains at the Bellagio Resort and being inspired by the message of the song. Talk about seeds being planted. There is nothing like seeing these fantastic fountains in real life. The video just can not do it justice.

Whether your Independence Day has already passed, or is on the horizon cheers to you.

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