Friday, September 23, 2011

Our Last Step

My friend Mulderfan is a source of inspiration for me. I don't know if she would consider me a Friend or a source of inspiration, maybe more like irritation (hopefully not), because that is exactly what I thought of others like myself who I met during a certain point in my journey. Mulderfan and I have much in common, both had Nparents, I refer to mine as the Demon Dad and Momster, because on a good day they are merely Narcissists and on a bad and evil day they are Psychopaths. Mulderfan and I both suffered deep soul wounds from our abusive parents. Both of us self-medicated with addictions, although our addictions took different forms, the reason for having them were the same.

If you are in the Recovery Process or know someone who is I recommend you check out her blogs. She has two blogs, Mulderfan and Elevator Broken, Take The 12 Steps.

Along the Recovery Process or Healing Process there are Negative Diabolic tapes that run over an over again in our heads that the Nparents placed there when they were conditioning and brainwashing us to be a constant source of their Narcissistic Supply in the Kingdom of Narcissism (KoN). I hate the negative tapes as it is okay to hate anything and all things that are toxic, harmful and evil. Hate is a strong word for a strong emotion and strong emotions keep us tied to things either in a good way or bad way. The hardest part for me was to release the anger and let go to let GOD transform the hate into peaceful righteous rebuking of the toxic tapes.

These Toxic Tapes are truly diabolical in nature, because although we can have low to no contact with the person who created the tape, gave us the tape, and made sured that the tape was securely installed in our minds & souls the echos of the toxic tapes still exist for a long time. Ever time I thought I got rid of these toxic tapes once and for all a piece of them would pop up from time to time, sometimes on very bad days, sometimes on sort of bad days, some times on average days, and even sometimes on very good days -- pure evil these toxic tapes are. Finally I got rid of the last of them two years ago when I went No Contact from the Momster.

So what kept those Toxic Tapes around for so long? Several things. Resentment for one. Resentment also very toxic & harmful the longer it sticks around. Resentment accompanied the toxic tapes and would visit me not only on very bad days, sometimes on sort of bad days, some times on average days, and even sometimes on very good days, and even on the best days of my life like when I got married, got my first home, found out that after 12 years of heartache trying to have a baby I got pregnant with my Daughter, the first time I heard her heart beat, saw her on the sonogram, the day she was born, all her firsts, yes there is a tiny temptation of Resentment that says, why don't I have loving parents to share all these special times with in my life and in my precious daughter's life? Psalm 27:10 When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me. A more accurate translation is that the Lord will become my parent. This is why God is my Holy parent. God as both Mother and Father because we were created in the image of God both male and female. When both of your parents are Narcissists or Psychopaths it is hard to see God as a Loving Mother or Father, so I recommend referring to God has a Holy Parent or Loving Creator.

I am a person caught between a physical and spiritual existence. I do have physical, psychological, and emotional needs and longings for loving nurturing parents & siblings, and when Resentment shows up he brings along with him Jealously who, if I am interested, will tempt me to meet his sister Envy.

Resentment was my Achillies heal, and when life throws darts and punches on a bad day I can be tempted to revisit the Goliath named Resentment. Resentment is a HUGE Giant, because he brings along his twin brother & sister Anger & Furry -- not only at the Nparents, but at our Holy Parent, because after all God is responsible, and is to blame for giving us Nparents. He has complete power over things and controls everything. Why would a Loving God place us through hell? God is either not loving or doesn't exist. -- this is what I once thought at one time in my life.

There is no meaning or purpose to living is hell. Hell is determined to destroy you, but what the enemy meant to destroy us GOD will turn into a blessing. I did not understand how the pain of my past could ever be a blessing when it was so very shameful and hurtful to me, until I started to sharing my Backstory then I saw how it helped others, and by helping others it also blessed me not in away a limited physical perspective on life can understand, but a blessing from a supernatural source and perspective. Depending upon where you are at in your life journey that is going to sound understandable, or you are going to think, like I once did, that it is completely crazy, delusional, ludicrous, nut ball, space cadet, and wacko. I have come to understand that we devalue things we don't understand, fear, or for some reason feel it is not available to us, or we can't achieve, thus feelings of lesser than, inferior, or inadequacy surface which are barriers to what is available to all of us. Barriers to our Blessing, so we put down others.

I spent some time in my life being an agnostic and atheist due to the pure evil I experienced from two psycho parents, in addition to two men who molested me, not to mention the absence of loving extended family members (no grandparents or aunties & uncles consistently in my life). After decades of still feeling wounded and empty even after great sessions of therapy and counseling that had a ceiling effect to my healing I longed for more. I believed the theory from hell that once broken & damaged always in the process of recovery, mending and healing. Well who does this theory benefit?

It benefits the source of all evil, because it keeps us in a weak, wounded, vulnerable, dependent "Lesser Than" state, and benefits the counselors, therapists, life coaches, and authors of self-help books, workshops, and seminars, but it does not empower us at all. It holds us captive to the Recovery or Healing process. I use to refer to it as a Recovery or Healing Journey as if there is no end in sight until the day we die. YUCK!

The Truth is it is a Recovery or Healing Process, which does have a beginning, middle, and end when the end is not defined by Perfection. Every time line is different, individual results vary. How do I know it is a Process rather than a Journey that we need to be continually on thinking we are damaged that need to be healed? Because those who do not know my BackStory are surprised, and think I was raised by loving, nurturing, compassionate, highly empathetic, sacrificing parents, because that's who I am. Some have even questioned or doubted the severity or validity of my BackStory, "she must be exaggerating, it couldn't have been that bad, it couldn't be as horrific as she says, because just look at her." That use to anger me, but now I count it as Joy! That's right take a look and see the power of Amazing Love from an AMAZING GOD. Today I sing you a Love Song, Turn around and see what love has done to me.

 Complete healing, restoration, and the most beautiful of all is transformation is what is in store for us when Hope is restored. Hope did not let us down in the past, Hope in the wrong People, unsafe, toxic, destructive abusers, did that. Hope in our Loving GOD, and our Savior is where our life has no limitations except for the ones we accept from hell, or this world, which is often occupied or dominated by hell. Yes, I know Complete Healing, Restoration and Transformation (even Better than Before) seem impossible to find in this world, and it is, but it is possible for God in His World with Him. Just please I beg all reading to consider the possibility of full & complete healing, restoration, and transformation. For me it did not happen in an instant, but it is a progression, and I am still progressing in my transformational process by growing closer and deeper in Christ.

Fear is another Giant of mine which has the ability to shape shift into many different forms. I write it on my blog, the title Journey out of Nothingness.

Wherever you are out in your Life Journey, Recovery or Healing Process, will you consider to not allow the pain of the past to define, confine, or bind you?

Out of the darkness of the pit look into the Son's light and discover who you truly are. The Poem, Still A Work in Progress, artistically describes my Self Discovery.

I believe we should sugar coat cookies, not the Truth, so here goes. I do not want to offend or hurt anyone, please beware that there comes a time in the healing and recovery process where we need to redefine ourselves, not based on our past, but on the present and eventually hope for the future, such as I am going to be a (what ever your calling or passion happens to be, artist, writer, doctor, dancer, etc), or I am in the process of becoming......

 I totally get the validity of if you don't recognize, accept, and own it you can't heal it, so the recovery process has people say repeatedly over and over again so you don't forget it,  "I am an alcoholic, drug addict, gambler, etc", and I understand that is important for all the first steps, but when you get to the last step, most likely the greatest step you take to no longer depend on the system that has helped you progress in the healing process, to get to the point of your last steps, then and only then after you went through all your previous steps are you ready for the leap of faith, and let God heal what man can not. Time for Transition. In the beginning the Recovery Process does not want us to forget we have an addiction, but there comes a time where we need to forget our past to the point that it no longer defines, confines and binds who we are -- make sense?

Our Last Step is a Leap of Faith.

I know this is going to challenge and upset people, because Recovery is like a Religion; What do you mean there is going to come a time where I have to give up the one thing that has saved me? Recovery and Religion is not your Savior. Your Savior is Jesus. If you are in a Recovery Program that does not clearly define who your true Savior is then please look for another one right away.

It has been my personal and professional experience that the healing or recovery process reaches a point where it is counterproductive by repetitively year after year, decade after decade identifying oneself by their weakness instead of his/her strength. This is not to say that you should go to a bar and hang out with friends or even take a sip of wine with dinner or anything like that if alcohol has been your stumbling block or stronghold. To do so would be unwise & harmful. I do know some people, a few people who have been able to do so because of their COMPLETE healing or better said Different KIND of healing, for their unique purpose in life. We all have our own unique purpose. MOST do NOT reach that level or that particular KIND of healing. The majority can not have any contact whatsoever with our stumbling block or what once had a strong hold on our life. For whatever reason (only God knows for His Divine Purpose) that for most people for the rest of their lives alcohol/drug/gambling/shopping whatever the stumbling block maybe is that proverbial thorn in the side. What I have experienced and witnessed is that when we do have COMPLETE healing the very thing that we use to desire now totally disgusts us, and we want no part of it, and do not want to be around it because we know the power it has to destroy, because we have been there, done that, and healed from it and NEVER want to do that again. Do not define your COMPLETE healing or recovery based on whether or not you can be in contact with what was once a stumbling block or strong hold. Consider your healing and recovery complete when you are repulsed and disgusted what once brought destruction & devastation to you life.

If you still have cravings and temptations, instead of thinking God must not love me as much, consider that God loves you soooo much that He wants to utilize you by having empathy and understanding in order to help others who are stumbling, because the cravings and temptations are too much for them.

In my medical history I have borderline low blood sugar, Hypoglycemia it is my proverbial thorn in the side so to speak. It is most likely the reason I crave sweets, Italian chocolate almond ice cream is my preferred drug of choice, but if that is not available Rocky Road works too. I could say if God loves me He would completely heal me from this, but that would not be true. I do not pretend to have all the answers I have soooo much still to learn, but what I know for sure without a doubt is God loves me and God loves you too. Hypoglycemia does not define me it is not (who) I am it is what I have until, or if God takes it away. I am smart and do not deny I have Hypoglycemia. But I am certainly not "Lesser Than" because I have it. I never understood how it is a blessing, or how it ever possibly could be, until some legalistic idiots suggested, implied and stated that I was less of a Christian, because I have not done a fast (giving up food) for more than a day. I have done a medical fast for medical reasons, but nothing like the Super Christians who can fast for 40 days to hear from God.

As a Christian I do understand the validity of fasting, it weakens the physical to open up to the spiritual -- guess what God taught me? It is not I who has the proverbial thrown in the side, but others. Others who are legalistic who depend on ritual rather than a relationship with Christ. Hey I am not putting down fasting, God will meet you what ever route you take to desire to be with Him. Christ is the sacrifice to enter into the Devine presence. We don't have to sacrifice, Christ's sacrifice was and is enough.  You feel you have to fast to feel God's presence, don't let me stop ya just don't yoke others with that burden when Christ has taken it away. The point is Relationship not Ritual. I am not going to put others down who need to fast and those who fast don't put others down who don't need to. I can hear VERY clearly from GOD without fasting. God has given me a Better Blessing in my biased opinion that I don't need to fast in order to hear God's voice or receive a message. Of course this makes the Super Legalistic Christians jealous which they have to be delivered from. My point is that something may seem like a proverbial thorn or curse, but GOD has a Supernatural way to turn it into a Blessing. Your BackStory will be for His Glory, and what Glorifies God blesses us. That is just how awesome our God is you can not out give God. Try it if you don't believe me.

Don't get me wrong I am not saying give everything you own away -- unless God tells you to do so! I fell into the trap of give money away in order to receive my hearts desire which was to have a baby. I turned God into a Genie and the Bible into a magic lamp. It doesn't work that way. God is not going to magically appear and say, Master your wish is my command. When we master the Biblical principles by applying them to our life, and realize that GOD is our Loving Holy Parent, and we our God's child, then a Loving Compassionate and Holy Parent is going to pour out various blessings, not always what we want when we want, but alway what we need when we need it.

P.S. When our Nparents or anyone else cursed at us, they cursed on us, what the psychology world refers to as the self-fulfilling prophecy. God gives us free will and power not only within our own strength, but by the strength and power of God's resurrected child Jesus to reverse the curse toxic people have placed upon us.

Love & Peace to you,
Letting Go

May the Lord bless you were ever you are at on your Life Journey.

There comes a time in our Healing Journey to Move On from the Pain of the Past. Moving On is a Process too that begins with little steps or small movements from a Crawl to a Walk to a Run. We will all reach this point in our own time in our own way. For me it is about having a Future that is Larger, Greater, and more Powerful than the Past. It is about having a Vision, a Mission, and a Dream much Much MUCH Bigger than myself. Here is my Small Movement focusing on Restoring Hope by Giving Dreams Wings,

If this chapter in my Life has made a positive impact or the Story of Self-Care is like Riding a Bike has blessed you, or any other chapters in the Journey of Letting Go has made a positive difference and you would like to also Share It Forward and Help bring Hope any donation will help to change one Life at a time. No donation is too small, and every bit helps. And the Lord will say to us, Thank You for giving me Hope and we will say to Him, Lord when were you without Hope? And the Lord will say when you restored hope by Giving Dreams Wings what you did for them, you did for Me. Thank You & GOD bless your Compassionate Heart, Generous Soul, and Loving Spirit.
Our Dream List includes raising funds for a Giving Dreams Wings website to better promote our Programs, Find Sponsors & Partners, and Share how Restoring Hope is Transforming Lives, which is the Vision & Mission of Giving Dreams Wings.
(you can donate at the top of the blog in the upper right hand corner where it says Please Donate to Giving Dreams Wings, which will link to the Women of Worth paypal link for donations because we our sponsoring Giving Dreams Wings and we will share with you our upcoming events and how you can be a blessing to others.)

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  1. Thank you for the validation. It is both flattering and humbling that I may have helped someone along the way.

    1. Thank You mulderfan. I know you will continue to bless others as you courageously share your journey. Out of the pain of our past will come purpose. Blessing to you wise warrior woman of worth.