Independence Day, Saying Good Bye to the KON

In May we celebrated Memorial Day. A time to remember true Heros both living & those who have transcended into eternity. Unfortunately any day that we remember what happened in the Kingdom of Narcissism (KON) is not a happy Memorial Day. If only going NC brought instant amnesia of the KON, but it doesn't, it takes time. I use to fight the memories of the KON, but that only made themmore powerful, resistance = persistence. I guess we have to treat the memories like background white noise, and not focus on it or give it too much value or importance when we hear it. Like the neighbors annoying barking dog, at first it is very stressful & irritating, and gets on our every nerve, then it seems the dog's bark gets weaker and weaker over time, so much that you don't hear it anymore, perhaps the dog finally went away, or it died, and it is now time to bury the dead dog.

In the USA on July 4th we celebrate what we refer to as our Independence Day!

When I discovered the problem was the SUPER-SIZED N Momster and not me, that was my first Independence Day. Just knowing that I was not in any way responsible for the abuse she gave and the chaos that she created was FREEING. Just theknowing that it really is all about them being a N and not about us is AWESOME. Recently I came to the painful truth that the one-way relationships that I had with my Sibs are because at some level they too are Ns. It is not about me not being able to be a good enough Sib, skilled enough Peace Keeper or designated family psychologist/Life Coach to fix what is broken, or not even being a strong enough Super Woman to tolerate the sting of the N-bullets, or not being worthy of their love, but their inability or unwillingness to reciprocate love.

It is time to say Good Bye (at least for now) to the Narcissistic People in my life. I officially went NC w/the Troll Mother last year and I am not going to do anything fancy & formal this time w/the Nsibs, just NC on my end with one very toxic Sib and extremely low contact w/the lower level nSib.

Rewiring a new belief system is interesting and rewarding work.--Eyes

For me I had to clear out the old belief system and install a completely new one.
In a nutshell, Family Transcends mere Biology. I knew this in my head, but not deep in my soul, not really. I desperately felt I had to keep some sort of my FOO in tact and in contact w/me. What kind of person has no FOO? Well, a very healthy one when you consider your FOO is full of toxic Ns.

Getting rid of suffering is not getting rid of pain. Pain and grieving are non negotiable aspects of being alive but suffering is something that happens in a chronic manner.-- Eyes

(the Healing Journey is not a clear linear process, this is just for illustration purposes)

Life is complex and so are emotions and the healing process. Some days you go forward, some days you go back a little, and you keep traveling onward along your Healing Journey. There is definitely no short cuts to healing. Realizing, Accepting, and Applying the painful truth that your own loved ones do not love you isextremely painful, and I suffered greatly. In fact I wondered will this suffering ever end? Then w/the awesome Help I was receiving the suffering one day lessoned and then. . . lessoned even more as time went by. . . until one day the deep suffering was over and only the painful truth remained. As I dealt w/the painful truth that the Ns were not going to change, and continue to be toxic & hurtful towards me & my FOC, then I had to come to the realization of NC which started the grieving process. And there were days where I thought, Will this ever end? The N-experience is about the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. We must realize that we are Good, and the Ns are Bad, we can never have a loving relationship, and that is the Ugly truth. So after the suffering, after the pain, only the Sad & Ugly Truth remains.

In an ironic way my healing was sort of full circle. I was born into the Kingdom of Narcissism (KON) so everything was always about them, the Nparents, and my birth order reinforced the fact that in regards to Nsibs it was always about themtoo, and now that I have left my baggage behind and left the KON it is with the realization that it is really all about them. The entire N-experience begins & ends w/it being about Ns. It really is their fault the relationship can never work out. I have my own identity separate from them. And as sad as this may seem to some reading this, they don't need nor value me, and I don't need nor value them. This may shock some people, (even my H was a little surprised when I told him how I feel right now) in regards to my NFOO, I do not even like them, and those who are shocked by my statement I would have to say, if you really knew them, you wouldn't like them either, unless you enjoy being used & abused, which I do not. If you knew these people in real life, you would not want them as part of your family or friends, and I don't either.

Sure, would I like to have a loving imperfect FOO for my FOC, yes. But that is nota reality. My H's FOO is not perfect, in fact there has been some dysfunctional issues regarding his parents, but the difference is they have remorse & made changes in how they view & treat people, my NFOO does not. Then there are those great people God brings into our lives that are not blood related, but are soul or spirit related to us. Therefore, I have expanded my definition of Family to include those who truly love, care, and have my best interest at heart -- which is not the NFOO. Family transcends the constraints of mere Biology.

I had a couple of decades to get use to the idea of Letting Go of the NTrollMother She has gone from a Vamp to a Troll because although she remains evil she can no longer hurt me and get her NS. Earlier this year I realized that I have to Let Go of the Nsibs too from the NFOO. It has gotten easier w/ once I learned and accepted that they, much like NTrollM, don't really care about me when I am no longer any use to them they Diss, Dismiss, Devalue & Discard (D&D) until they need something from me. Next time when they come back they will discover, I have Let Go of my role in this Nfamily Horror Movie that I was born into, and they will have to cast someone else to play my part.

I was reminded recently that Ns have 3 acts to their N-performance, Deceived, Devalued and Discarded and that we haven't been just D&D we have been Dx3, or D3 which is the reverse of 3D which explains why we feel like we have been run over by a N-train flatten out and are devastated, hey! another important D word, so maybe our experience is 4-D = Deceived, Devalued, Discarded, and Devastated . . . until we embrace the joy of the LOL.

Now we need to think of something opposite of that to explain the Healing Journey and our Self Discovery! Self-esteem, Self-worth, Self-care, Self-Affirmation -- this is a healthy Self opposed to the one that was in the KON, like the great songs says, Was Lost But Now I'm Found. I guess that sums up the N-experience, Lost n Found, hey that could = Lost the n and now I'm Found! Notice the N has shrunk to n because the N is no longer the center of our world!

At the end of this summer will be One Year of Official NC w/the KON! I guess it is my last Independence Celebration from the KON and this post is really about finding closure and moving on. Perhaps it is time to make a Good Bye List?

Good Bye to . . . all those things the KON represents.

How do you all find closure and move on from the KON?

Are you thinking about saying Good Bye to the Ns in your life?

If so, how are you going to do it?

Are you going to Celebrate and do something special for your Self?

or

How did you say Good Bye to the Ns in your life?

or

How do you wish you could have said good bye to Ns in your life?

GOOD BYE TO THE KON!

I love the way these "song birds" say Good Bye To You! I imagine all of us saying Good Bye to the Ns in our life
Hope you enjoy!

Good Buy to everything that I knew. The one thing that I tried to hold onto, Good Bye to you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtDpNTYBJfI&feature=player_embedded

I ALSO LOVE THE 80'S Music!

And of course my favorite! We have Survived the Truth!

For those Italian & Celtic fans who prefer a Classic Good Bye,

Saying Good Bye in any language is beautiful.

I remember years ago going to Las Vegas and watching the beautiful dancing fountains at the Bellagio Resort and being inspired by the message of the song. Talk about seeds being planted. There is nothing like seeing these fantastic fountains in real life. The video just can not do it justice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cP0K6H2QK7A&feature=related

Whether your Independence Day has already passed, or is on the horizon cheers to you.

Skating Through Life

About 2 months ago my H & I took our D roller skating for her first time. It was so fascinating watching her find her balance. I was video taping the event and watching how she started off holding Daddy's hand, then quickly wanted to go out on her own, she fell a couple of times, but did not let that deter her from learning how to skate. I noticed my mixed emotions of wanting to help her stay up on her skates and wanting her to find her own balance which meant she would have to take a fall or two. The first couple of times she fell she reached her hand out for help and we took turns assisting her, then the 3rd time she feel she said that she could get back up herself which she did very well. After she skated around the carpet, she saw everyone out on the skating rink and said she wanted to go out there, so my H took her around the rink. They started off at the very edge of the perimeter next to the protective wall and my D insisted on letting go of Daddy's hand which he wasn't too sure about, but she did awesome on her own. He stood by her as they went around the rink, eventually she wanted to venture away from the wall and again Daddy had a little trouble with leaving the side of the wall where people were less likely to run her down, but again she did fantastic on her own. It was interesting to watch some kids when they took a tumble they got completely devastated and left the rink while others were noticeably disappointed or upset & picked themselves back up. The thing that touched my heart the most was when a slightly older child fell down other adults & children kept on skating by oblivious to the little girl's need for help, but not my D, even though she was struggling finding & maintaining her own balance she instinctively & automatically w/out any prompting from her parents stopped to help someone up. She didn't just hold out her hand, but instead she noticed the little girl was a bit worried from her fall and she gave her comforting & encouraging words as she bent down and did her very best to help lift the little girl up. She wrapped her arms around the little girl as she helped her to her feet and gave her a big hug, then she held her hand as they traveled around the rink together. Once or twice they fell and they took turns helping each other up. When the other little girl regained her self confidence they eventually dropped hands, yet stayed skating side-by-side. Eventually it was time to leave and they hugged one another, said their good-byes, and went their separate ways. I couldn't help, but wonder, Is this how my D will travel through life?

Why do they hurt people?

Toxic People are bullies because they are jealous of the ones they attack. I never thought the Monster Mother was jealous of me and her other children, but there it is -- this is the answer to WHY they attack, they are jealous. And it is WHY they project their ugly lies unto us, so that they can create an illusion of themselves being superior and not jealous. Because a person can not be jealous of another who s/he thinks is less-than. However, the truth is that they are evil jealous bullies who want to break down instead of build up, to discourage instead of encourage, and have a hidden agenda to hurt instead of help and hate the ones they should love. Ns are evil jealous bullies w/a Peter Pan complex , that is WHY when you call them on their bulling abusive behavior and deny them of NS they have a raging tantrum and when that doesn't work they become and seek their revenge.

I love playing connect the dots at WoN!

This is the link @ WebofNarcissism.com

http://www.webofnarcissism.com/forums/index.php/topic,7111.msg23280.html#msg23280

Shopping Therapy--not what you think!

Toxic People are like shoes that just don't fit. No matter how attractive they are on the outside, no matter how much we dreamt about the "perfect pair" -- the reality of it all is that they just don't fit.

You know that reminds me of a recent shopping trip my H and I experienced together. We were invited to a "black tie" event by a new client of his and had only a couple of weeks to find each of us an entire outfit from head to toe. The shoe department is a great place to observe gender differences. Generally speaking, Men took a very practical approach, they selected the styles they liked, tried them on and narrowed them down by comfort, color, style, to determine the perfect fit. Women varied in their shoe selection. Some knew exactly what they wanted, scanned the shelves, found that the store didn't carry what they were looking for and moved on, or they found what they have been searching for and went in for a closer look. Others took a gathering approach and had piles and piles of different shoes, in different colors, styles and they were not just concerned w/comfort, but style and how their foot looked in a certain pair of shoes.

I got to talking to one of the sales people about the gender differences in selecting shoes, and she confirmed what I had observed, that again generally speaking, men are much more practical, they know exactly what they are looking for or at least have an idea in their mind including color and style, and make their selection based on comfort, then they select their final pair. Women on the other hand consider how a certain pair of shoes look, are influenced by the current fad or fashion style, consider how the shoes will accessorize w/other items, like a purse, cost is a huge influence especially if it appears to be "a great bargain" or "on sale for a limited time", comfort seems to be one of the last characteristics Women consider while it is the first and often only that men consider before purchasing a pair of shoes.

Men often shop by themselves or w/a wife or girlfriend, but rarely shop w/another friend compared to Women who usually shop in pairs. The sales person said, You really hear a Man ask another Man, "How do these shoes look on me?" and when they do the response is usually, They look okay, Are they comfortable to walk in? (this was my H's constant & consistent reply to me). Women have just acquiesced to accepting the fact that certain shoes are not designed for comfort as if they know that they will just have to deal w/the pain certain shoes are inherently going to cause based on how they were created. These comments from the sales person made a lasting impression on me, "It is the price we are willing to pay to feel sexy. We know at the end of the night we are going to be in pain, but we put on these hurting & painful shoes anyway perhaps partly deluding ourselves that this time they wont cause pain, or that our feet will be stronger and use to the pain and we wont notice it as much. I have never seen a Man try to squeeze his foot into a shoe that obviously doesn't fit and then purchase it."

I also wanted to add that there are those deceptive & defective shoes, that seem to fit pretty good in the store when you try them out. When you take them home and try them out for short periods of time they still seem to fit okay. It is only until after you wear them for an extended amount of time do they reveal that they are not designed to go the distance. And from that point on no matter how hard you try to discover the source of the enormous discomfort and w/ failed attempts to doctoring them up, they just bring you more & more pain. Unfortunately all the shed blood, sweat, and tears has wasted valuable time and it is now too late to take them back -- so you just have to throw them away, or give them away to someone who likes defective shoes -- the OW (other woman). Of course you wouldn't give defective shoes to someone you really care about, at least not without pointing out the defect that is causing the pain.

Those darn deceptive & defective shoes, the manufacturer didn't even want due to the poor quality -- that's why they were put on sale and seemed to have been such a great deal -- they were a clearance item that once purchased can not be returned. Too bad you can't slap Warning Labels on toxic Counterfeit People saying known to cause extreme pain.

Don't use for an extended amount of time, not designed to go the distance.

Will collapse & fall apart under the tiniest amount of pressure.

Can not weather a storm.

Will cost you more than they are worth.

do not purchase, these shoes have been recalled because they are dangerous and can not live up to what they claim.

Before we went shopping for shoes, I did a little spring cleaning and decided to get rid of all those items in my closet that I never wore or hardly ever wore because they were uncomfortable, not my style, or just didn't fit anymore, because I simply grew out of them over time. As I looked at this pile I asked myself two questions, Why did I choose those items that were not a good fit from the very beginning? and Why did I hold on to others that clearly did not fit anymore as long as I had?

For the items that use to fit that no longer fit, I was holding on to them for sentimental reason and they no longer had a purpose in my life. They were just filling up space that I needed for items that fit who I am today. For the items that never fit me well from the very beginning, my conclusion is that w/each one of these items my own physical & emotional comfort was the very last thing I considered, if I did consider it at all, when I purchased these items. I also noticed that I made most of these purchases during a huge time constraint and out of desperation to get an outfit for a certain event (holiday, business event, special celebration, etc.). I remembered that w/most of the items I was not completely happy w/them, I had reservations, but I talked myself into purchasing them because they were "good enough" & I settled because nothing better was available at the time. I had not discovered the Art of Doing Without. The entire sales industry is based on our feelings of inadequacy, that is how they get us to purchase items and fill our closets w/things we don't really need.

This time before I went out to purchase new items (again for a certain event in mind) I took inventory of what I already had in my closet. I found a dress that was beautiful and still fit perfect. It was sleeveless, so I borrowed a matching shawl from a close friend. Instead of going to the department store and paying full price, I went to a local Consignment Store and found a matching clutch purse that was as good as new for only a couple of dollars, I planned to wear my pearls and get my hair done earlier the day of the event. The only thing I didn't have was the right pair of shoes. The ones I had in my closet to match the dress were the ones I didn't wear on my wedding day--don't know why I held on to them as long as I did? I didn't even wear them on my Wedding Day, so there was no sentimental attachment. Time did not change the fact that these pretty shoes just didn't fit right, so time to get rid of them for good. Before I headed straight to the expensive shoe department, I started locally and found a comfortable pair of flat shoes. I liked them and planned to use them in my day to day life and I thought if I didn't find a comfortable formal style shoe, then I could wear these. Sure they were flat and some might say they were inappropriate, but hey they coordinated w/ my dress and who's comfort am I more concerned about, mine or others? When my H and I went to the Shoe Stores, I was not looking out of desperation like I did so often in the past. I considered my own comfort first and foremost. I am definitely not a "shoe person", but I must say, if one could love a pair of shoes I found the perfect fit for me. They have a little bit of a heal, but one that was comfortable to walk in, would not throw me off balance and they had a secure surface so that I would not slip & fall. The particular style complimented my foot and actually looked very sexy -- I have a fat foot, so this was quite a feat! Who would have thought by changing the way one shops could have such a positive impact on how we walk through life?

Don't walk in their shoes!

I was inspired by TroubleReflector's thread, Three strikes but I'm not out, on webofnarcissism.com

http://www.webofnarcissism.com/forums/index.php/topic,7060.0.html

Quote

What great metaphors (KON and LOL). It's true. An N-oculation works to immunize the body rather than weaken it. I think the problem in my case is that my N detector may be working overtime and can sometimes imagine Ns dominating everywhere when not everyone is like that. I think healing will help me to balance this in the future.--TR

You know we do live in a very N-word, and I do believe we are experiencing a global pandemic. However, w/groups like WoN we can hand out the N-oculations to those who are interested & boosters for those who are in need of an added supplement (like myself!). Healing does bring balance. Instead of loud blaring alarms going off in your head, you will have a gently waving in the breeze and you know to stay clear of the N. Kind of like walking down the side walk and you come across a big pile of recently dumped disgustingly stinky dog pooh, you don't let it distract you or interrupt your walk, you just make a mental note and walk around it and avoid stepping right into it.

(I apologize for using the s-word, I only do it when I talk about the Kingdom of Narcissism (KON) because no other word seems to fit ).

Problem is when you're born into the KON the toxic sh*t surrounds you on all sides, it is unavoidable that the first steps you take land you right in it, you carry that stench everywhere you go and you think it is you that stinks, but then you realize it is someone else's sh*t that you have been carrying around w/you. Healing is cleaning off all the toxic sh*t in our lives. If you don't take the time to clean it off, you leave it for the next generation who walks in your shoes and travels your same path. There are those people who pass down shoes full of sh*t to their children, some of their children will complain about the terrible shoes that they inherited, while others will remain quite. Those who speak up will be told to shut up and just ignore the stench like everyone else, and when they refuse they will be told, Who do you think you are to ask for anything better? It was good enough for us & our parents and their parents before them, so it will be good enough for you and your children and for generations to come. Some will choose to take off the sh*tty shoes, hand them back, and go barefoot and risk the possibility of stepping into other people's sh*t. Some will realize the advantages & freedom in going barefoot.

I actually got married in my bare feet. The new shoes that I bought for my wedding day were too constraining & uncomfortable and I realized I didn't need them, so I took them off.

Some will realize that their family of origin is not the only source of shoes and will find a different healthy supplier and put on another completely new pair of shoes & discover a perfect fit. Anyone who has ever cleaned off sh*t before knows that the longer you leave it on the harder it is to remove. The sh*t gets into the small cracks of your life and you will need a special tool to dig deep to clean out all the decaying residue. You have to do it very carefully w/exact precision, focus and strength so that it doesn't fly up at you and hit you smack in the face. Then to make sure that there is no hidden germs left behind, you'll have to wash them in bleach & expose your soles to the warmth & purifying light from the Sun, so that they will be completely clean, dry, and as good as new.

Metaphorically speaking, what kind of shoes are you wearing right now?

Last year when I went NC w/the NVampMother I noticed I had on a pair of running shoes to help me escape the Kingdom of Narcissism (KON). The KON is a vast territory, or at least it seemed that way when I first started my Journey. I began my Healing Journey w/the realization that I needed to run away from the KON, but somewhere along the Adventure I realized that I was no longer running away to escape the KON, but rather running towards the hope & promise of the Land of Love (LOL). Eventually I realized that I would have to put on my hiking boots and grab my machete of Truth to cut through all the lies and travel out of the very rough terrane to continue my Healing Journey. Along this Adventure to Freedom I encountered many enablers who tried to impede my progress and encourage me to return to the KON. My machete had to turn into the Sword of Truth, so that I could protect and defend my position until the enemies learned that they will not impede my determination to reach freedom in the LOL.

When I reached the clearing, I noticed that my new destination, the Land of Love (LOL) was located towards the apex of a mountain, so I had to put on climbing boots. I tried to tether my Sibs to me so that we could all escape the KON together, but I realized that they missed the KON to much, they were pulling me back, hindering my escape, sabotaging all my efforts, becoming dead weight and risking my own life as well as the life of my own child and my H who is climbing right beside me. I had to make the hard & very painful, but extremely necessary decision to cut these toxic ties to my NSibs, so that I could be free to climb. It broke my heart to let them go on their own. I realized that I can not climb for them, they must do their own work, so that when they reach the LOL the rewards & blessings will be their own. Right now, I think there is enough distance between me and the KON that I am ready to take a break, take in the clean fresh air, enjoy the new beautiful surroundings and put on my dancing shoes.

It has been awhile since I had the desire to dance, but I do now. Perhaps this is one of the first signs of entering into the territory of the LOL.