Still A Work In Progress. . . The Sequel

I have been experiencing persecution for being a Christian and mentioning God once, or using a form a God (Creator, Son, Act of God) in a DONM "support group" that is suppose to be "open & safe" for all regardless of one's personal viewpoints/beliefs/principles. Behind closed doors I was Gaslighted several times, until I was recently kicked out by the Narcissistic leader and her minion. This is not me against a non-Believer. I have close friends that are from different belief backgrounds, and no spiritual back grounds. This is about the worst kind of Narcissist that hides herself in sheep's clothing and is the leader of a support group for woman who have narcissistic mothers, like myself, and have been abused by them their entire lives. As with a true Narcissist, when you hold a mirror up to her instead of making the necessary changes which others have asked her to do, including myself, she selects her scapegoat and goes in for the evil attack. The entire truth will come out and you can judge for yourself. As you can imagine I was deeply hurt by her wicked betrayal and evil abuse of power, and I expressed it in the following poem. Perhaps some of you have experienced similar situations and can relate to being stabbed in the heart by someone you once trusted and looked up to. No turning back now, the truth will come out, and soon all will know what I am talking about.

Red Bird, Red Bird, come and see

What are these little things attacking me?

Oh those little filthy things are called fleas.

I see you spent time in the Dodo’s tree.

All trees are not safe as you now see.

The Dodos at first seem kind and gentle as can be.

But they are actually wicked and dishonest birds,

Especially to you and me.

They long to live here in the majestic family tree,

But they refuse to honor our Creator so it just cannot be.

They will never be fully healed or free as long as they live in their contaminated tree.

How can we help them? What should we do? They would be so better off if they only knew.

Do not worry they know the way.

They are just too stubborn now and enjoy their filth and want to stay.

Wont they open their eyes and truly see

That they are being their own worst enemy?

But there are loving, supporting birds in the Dodo’s tree

They just wanted to talk to her like me.

They are blind by her lies and they cannot see.

And your warnings my dear they will not hear nor believe

It is true for their own good they should leave

Before they know it they will be taken over by the parasitic fleas.

How do I get rid of their infectious fleas?

Come stand in the Creator’s light.

They might put up a fight.

But they cannot survive His purifying light.

They will drop off one by one

And their evil attack on you will be done.

copyright 2009 soaring dove

The Dodo is a lesson in extinction. First sighted around 1600 on Mauritius, an island in the Indian Ocean, the Dodo was extinct less than eighty years later.

The Dodo's stubby wings and heavy, ungainly body tell us that the bird was flightless. Moreover, its breastbone is too small to support the huge pectoral muscles a bird this size would need to fly. Yet scientists believe that the Dodo evolved from a bird capable of flight into a flightless one.

http://www.amnh.org/exhibitions/expeditions/treasure_fossil/Treasures/Dodo/dodo.html

Inspirational Links

I am a newbie at this blogging thing and haven't worked out all the tech. stuff so I am going to set up this page of inspirational and healing links until I have time to figure out how to do it the correct way. There are places on the internet that have a lot of great info., yet are not safe even-though they say they are due to their lack of accountablity, so I can not recommend them in good conscious knowing that you could/would be hurt there.

http://www.webofnarcissism.com

If you are wondering about Narcissism, if you have questions or just want to share your experience, this is a Safe place to Share.

http://www.luke173ministries.org

"If you have ever experienced Adult Child Abuse by a parent, sibling, or other relative, we welcome you and pray that you will find our website helpful."

The same great info can be applied to friends.

Blogs I follow:

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/

SANCTUARY FOR THE ABUSED: Articles, clickable links & resources for victims & survivors. Dealing with verbal, psychological & emotional abuse and personality disorders.

http://www.facingforwardnow.com/

Ending the Legacy of a Narcissistic Personality Disordered Family

This is my journey of growing up with a Narcissistic Personality Disordered mother and the painful family dynamic that results from this. It's been a long road, and certainly could have been much worse, but nonetheless has been pretty painful. Thankfully, much healing has taken place. Take comfort in knowing you are not alone, you are not crazy, and there is hope. We can help one another along, our common goal being to end this legacy and create healthier relationships in each of our lives.

When Parents are Too Toxic to Tolerate

"You can divorce an abusive spouse. You can call it quits if your lover mistreats you. But what can you do if the source of your misery is your own parent?"

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/health/20mind.html?_r=2&em

This is a very good article showing how it is important to separate from toxic people (especially if they are your parents). This is from a therapist's perspective.

Inspirational Poems

A beautiful & talented person named Jenny heard the Holy Spirit speak to her and this is what she wrote:

Dear Children.
How can I put into finate words- infinate truths? I hear your questions. I see your confusion. Words of doubt running through your mind like a raging river. Questions that you never expect to get answered, pain that you never believe will be healed- torment you. And alone and afraid you huddle in your pain- afraid to ask. Afraid I won't answer. Afraid that if I do answer, you won't like the answer you hear. Afraid that I may not like the question, afraid to be ignored, humiliated, passed by.
And although I will not give you every answer you seek. And for reasons I choose not to reveal- I will not remove the memory of your past. But I have heard your cries. I have sat at your bedside, a quiet presence- as you sob and relive the despair of your personal hell. And every time you have asked me to remove the memories- I have heard you. And I weep with you. I weep for your brokeness. I weep for your lost childhood. I weep for your stolen innocence. I weep for your torment.
Look with me- towards tomorrow. The better place. There will come a time when all of your tears will dry. When your mourning will turn to dancing and your garment of heaviness will turn to joy. For I have given you beauty for your ashes. The fires of yesteryear are gone. Yet as you do inventory of all that was lost- as you sift through the ashes of all the things you held so dear. Know that I am here. Sifting with you. Finding hidden treasures. Things over looked. Forgotten.
Through the fire you have lost much. But you have gained much more. Gold is refined in the fire. And all of the impurities rise to the top to be scraped off. And the fires rage and the refiner scrapes- until the refiner sees the one thing that he is looking for- His reflection in the gold.
You were never alone.
I was always with you.
I will never leave you.
My enemy has one goal.
To destroy all that I hold dear.
To turn the hearts of my children far from me.
By saying-
see-
if your God loved you-
He would never have let this happen.
But he is a lie.
and his lies create a gulf between you and me.
He has in his power the ability to destroy.
But I have greater than he.
I have the ability to create-
And in you I create a new heart.
A new life.
A new love.
And I place in you the power to create and to destroy.
Choose creation.
Produce good fruit.
Don't let his tactics win.
Don't stop choosing life because you don't understand.
Don't choose to destroy because you are in pain.
Stand tall.
Knowing that he will pay dearly for what he has done.
And you are vindicated.
Validated.
Victorious.
And you will change the world around you.
Bringing hope to the hopeless.
Life to the lifeless.
Water to the thirsty.
For such a time as this-
I have set you free.
To soar above the enemy.
And to create-
Create a world where my name is Blessed.
Where my will is done.
And when your time here is complete.
I have prepared a place of rest.
Where you will never be separated from me.
Where pain will not even be a memory.
Your prayer will come to pass.
For when I wipe away all of your tears-
those memories have to go to.
But let them lead you now.
To those that are hurting- just like you.
Let it propel you now.
To do My Will.
My Will.
No one else's.
My Will Alone.

By their fruits you will know them

A toxic/narcissistic/evil person gets worse not better with time. I wasted the last 20 years of my life trying to get my egg donor to be a Mom. I ignored the fact that she told me and my Sisters, and her friends (which she no longer has) that "I am not going to change for anyone. This is my life and I will do with it what I want. Nobody is going to tell me what to do. People should just accept me for who I am and not be so judgmental". We should not accept an evil person's mind, behavior, or even him/her. By accepting them, they want us to ignore their evil doings. Just shut up and accept their evil ways, no way! Evil people do evil things and that is wrong and we should not just "turn the other cheek" that was never our Lord's intention, which I have just become aware of myself.

I held onto the hope that surely someday my "mom" will see how she is hurting those that she is suppose to love, but it never happened. It was only through learning that she must truly repent first and then I can give her another chance. God's requirement for true repentance from those that hurt us is for our protection. We have a loving Heavenly Father that looks out for our best interest and He does not desire us to be bound to someone who just keeps hurting us and cares nothing about our happiness.

Matthew 7:16-20;

16. "You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles." How many times have you trusted this toxic person only to have them not only stab you in the back, but stab you in the heart? I learned that I needed to stop trying to get love from someone who will hurt me. I had to stop going to a toxic well/person to meet my needs of having a loving relationship. There was a warning sign on this toxic well which I refused to pay attention to for years.

17. "Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bear bad fruit." A toxic/narcissistic person cannot be a good or even a "good enough" Mom/parent/spouse/friend/etc. – it is impossible.

18. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit." When you have a toxic parent/spouse/friend it is hard to know what a good & loving Mom/parent/spouse/friend looks like or acts like. This is why fellowshipping is so very crucial. As God brings good, not perfect, Christian people into your life you will take notice of how healthy loving people interact with one another. How they uplift and encourage not bring down, separate, or divide. How they comfort and shelter not betray and abandon. How they protect and defend not use and abuse. How they energize and not drain and deplete. How they love and not hurt and cause pain.

Here is a helpful creative thing to do. Draw two trees one that only bears good fruit and one that only bears bad fruit. With the good tree for each good thing your toxic person does draw a fruit and label it (i.e., encouraged me to go to college) etc. For the bad tree draw bad fruit and label it (i.e., said I could not make it as a doctor, not smart enough, etc.,) Just focus on the last month, or last year. The shorter the time frame the easier it is to keep track of good vs. bad. Go ahead, take a break get something to drink and snack and draw your trees. Have fun with it – use a nice color green for your good tree and your least favorite color (grey is mine) for your bad toxic tree. Go ahead do it! Don’t miss out on this blessing it is a great project. Don’t read ahead until you have completed your project. Did you complete your trees? Think of all the positive things/statements/comments/compliments that this person said about you, and the negative ones put-downs/lies/manipulations/betrayals. Sometimes it’s easier to just focus on the verbal stuff rather than what people did or didn’t do to us. Once all the verbal stuff is done, then you can think of behavioral things/the actions the toxic person did. Did they bring you up with words or down? Did they do things to support & help you or discourage & harm you.

Which tree grew faster? Which tree has more fruit? Your enemies are supposed to be out in the world, not in your family tree or close friends. Even the absent of positive words is a bad thing. Don’t rationalize the absence of good/encouraging words by saying well, my parent/friend etc. doesn’t call me bad names, say mean things or do bad/evil things – they just don’t ever say anything positive, encouraging, uplifting, loving, etc. They just take from me and give nothing in return. I’m there for them but they are not there for me. It’s just a one-sided relationship.

Remember Jesus cursed the tree that was empty and did not bare any fruit. This wasn’t a tree that bared bad fruit – it was a tree that had no fruit!

19. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Pray for your toxic person's salvation! While some people believe that toxic/narcissistic people are destined for hell – I still have hope. With God ALL things are possible, so I pray for a road to Damascus intervention for my biological mom and all the other toxic evil people in the world.

20. "Therefore by their fruits you will know them." Until they change they are evil people and evil is as evil does. So let the guilt go. You are not your child's, parent’s, spouse's, sibling's, family member, or friend's Savior – Christ is our Savior and their Savior too. What if you are standing in the way of her/his salvation? If you are no longer involved with "helping" the toxic person, then you will no longer be in God's way. He will have a clear path to that toxic person. The Holy Spirit told me years ago that the only hope that my mom had to change was if there was no one left in her life to focus on, so that she could hear and pay attention to the Holy Spirit convicting her of her wicked mind and abusive behavior. Let go and let God be glorified. If God can’t do it no one can and you are not God. No one has paid a larger price than God for the salvation of the toxic person. No one has shed more tears for our lost loved ones than God.

Remember, it is my goal for this blog to not be a preaching place, but a teaching place.

Therefore, here is your fifth homework assignment.

Remember to always ask God to speak to you through His words each time before you read the passage.

Read Exodus 20:12

Write down what you here God saying to you about your life and yoursituation.

What feelings do you have?

When I read this sentence/s I felt . . . . . Write down all your emotions.

Write down any questions you have.

Did you find any answers after reading?

How are you going to apply this new knowledge to your life?

It's okay if you didn't find any answers this time, really it is. Remember life is a journey we all travel at our owns speed.

Save this blog in your favorites & come back every week to find out how the powerful words from our Holy Father keeps me strong and sets me free!


For the next blog post in this series, Click Here.

They Get Worse Not Better With Time

So is that selfish, ego-centric, self-centered, self-absorbed, mean, abusive, toxic reprobate person who lacks empathy & remorse, Good or Bad? The fact that you are taking time to read this blog pretty much says it all, doesn't it? Even though Season after Season the Toxic Reprobate Person yields toxic fruit, harmful behavior, aka abuse, we keep thinking this Season will be Different. Unfortunately it is not. We have invested so much time that surely now the Person will change yield healthy instead of harmful fruit, aka behavior.

Last week my awesome husband and I took our beautiful daughter to the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. Restaurant. Remember that movie Forrest Gump? Do you recall when Forrest was a child, and these mean kids were calling Forrest names, and tormenting him. Forrest told his Mama and she said, "Stupid is as Stupid does." What was she telling him? She was telling him that Forrest wasn't the stupid one, but the kids that were being cruel to him were the stupid ones. In regards to toxic, abusive, reprobate people I would add; Toxic is as Toxic does or Evil is as Evil does.

Matthew 12:43-45;

45: . . . the last state of the man is worse than the first. This is why toxic people get worse not better over time. An abusive parent will stop the physical abuse as the child becomes an adult not because the abuser is better, but because the child is physically stronger and can turn the tables on the abuser and actually physically hurt the abuser. What the abuser can‘t do physically to you s/he will do verbally and emotionally. Psychological wounds cut deep to the soul without leave a visible mark and are harder to heal. A toxic person does not get better with time; they just get older, and have less energy to create evil chaos and drama as frequently or often as they did in the past. They are also not physically around you, because you most likely created coping skills that placed distance between you (i.e., separate towns, counties, states, countries, planets--if only we could).

What the toxic reprobate person does not do to you physically s/he will do to you verbally. S/he will cut you deeply with his/her venomous tongue. Their attacks are of the most wicked kind, because they know where your vulnerabilities are located and they go in for the kill. Where loving and caring people avoid things that will hurt you toxic abusive evil people purposely do and say things to hurt you just to feed off your pain. And you thought evil vampires only existed in the horror movies. There is actually a name for this and it is called Narcissistic Supply (NS).

Narcissistic, toxic, abusive people prefer to get their NS from you through adoration, admiration, approval, and basically worshiping at the Temple of the Toxic. What about those very nice things they do? Glad you asked. They do it not because they love you, but because they can keep you in a state of gratitude and indebted to them so that you feel obliged or beholden to grant them something that you do not want to do, but you do grudgingly because you feel that you owe them. Do you find yourself doing things because you "should" or because you really want to. You invite them because a good child "should" invite her parent. Of course your sister "should" be your Maid of Horror, oops I mean Maid of Honor regardless of the fact that you can not stand one another. How about that friend who is always asking you for a favor, but never asks you if you need anything. Of course a good friend "should" watch a person's disobedient children every Friday night, because she doesn't trust her children with anyone else-right? Truth is no one else will watch them!

When the gratitude trick or the guilt trip is no longer effective, then the toxic narcissistic vampire will do something to cause you stress, anxiety, or pain. Anything that will hurt you they wont hold back. If they can't get their NS filled through your praise they will get it through your pain.

45. So shall it be with this wicked generation. This explains why there are reports that narcissism and other personality disorders are on the rise. It has become popular not to have a conscious and only look out for yourself regardless of how it hurts someone else.

Remember, it is my goal for this blog to not be a preaching place, but a teaching place.

Therefore, here is your fourth homework assignment.

Remember to always ask God to speak to you through His words each time before you read the passage.

Read Matthew 7:16-20

Write down what you here God saying to you about your life and yoursituation.

What feelings do you have?

When I read this sentence/s I felt . . . . . Write down all your emotions.

Write down any questions you have.

Did you find any answers after reading?

How are you going to apply this new knowledge to your life?

It's okay if you didn't find any answers this time, really it is. Remember life is a journey we all travel at our owns speed.

Save this blog in your favorites & come back every week to find out how the powerful words from our Holy Father keeps me strong and sets me free!


For the next blog post in this series, Click Here.

Are they good or bad?

Wasn't that great to hear last week that J.C. says to go N.C (no contact)!

It is both the blessed and right thing to do!

How are you doing so far? Ready for some more real good news?

You know once you make a decision how those doubts from the enemy come to challenge you. Is s/he really that bad that you have to go full no contact?

Matthew 12:33-37;

33: Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or else make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for a tree is known by its fruit. Do you hear that soft voice saying, okay now stop going back and forth. It's time to make up your mind once and for all? This is what I heard. Sure nobody is perfect. But we are not talking about human mistakes. With toxic people it is their intent to harm, whether or not they admit to it, that sets them apart from us normal imperfect people. It is their lack of conscious that gives them the ability to hurt us in the first place and most importantly their lack of true remorse and repentance that keeps them re-offending. Their hurtful & harmful behavior is the Proverbial Toxic Bad Fruit.

What about those few times when the toxic person said or did something nice? Therefore, s/he can’t be all bad right, can she? I struggled with this myself until I was reminded about the intent. What was the intent or hidden agenda in giving you a complement or praise, or doing something nice? In hindsight that evil/toxic person wanted something from you didn’t s/he? Maybe not in that very moment, but very soon they would ask you to do something for them. It’s always about what they want, and they don’t mind manipulating you to get it. They don't do nice things, because they truly love us, they do nice things because they want something from us. They do it to create a false identity or an illusion that they are a loving person when all along they have a hidden agenda to control & manipulate us. They also do nice things to promote their false image to others, "see what a nice person I am".

They can be incredible charmers when they want to manipulate you into doing something for them.

34: Brood of vipers How can you, being evil speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. In clinical terms, a Freudian slip. Evil speaking, and doing comes only from an evil heart.

35: . . . an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things. After toxic people say something extremely hurtful, what comes out of their mouth? With a surprised, shocked expression they say, OH, I didn’t mean that (big lie). What they really mean is that they didn’t mean for us to hold them accountable. They thought they could get away with it. Or perhaps they didn't want that ugly thing to come out, and for you to hear it. They wanted to keep the truth about how they truly feel about you a secret. They wanted to keep it hidden in their cold stone heart. However, they still feel that way. What usually follows is manipulation, I am sorry, but . . . (which means forget what I just said about being sorry, because here is what I really think) . . . you got me so angry and it just came out. What they are saying is that it is your fault that they hurt you. Deflecting responsibility & transferring ownership in order to Blame the Victim. They truly are wicked vipers. In biblical terms, we hold the power of life and death in our tongues. We can either create blessings or curses with our tongues. We can either help or hurt. We can either be a friend or a foe.


My husband and I have been together for over 20 years, we have had our share of disagreements, even a heated argument, and never has he just had a harmful world "just slip out" of his mouth.

36: “But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment. Isn't is great news that they will be held accountable for the horrible things they said and did? God assures us that they will be punished.

A lie from the pit of hell is that words cannot hurt us. Evil/Ugly/Harmful words do hurt our feelings and our soul in the moment and the damage that it does can last a lifetime if we don’t do something about it. A partial truth is still a complete lie. Toxic people recreate the truth, so that they look like complete innocents and purposely leave out the wrong they did or said (a lie of omission).

37: For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned. God knows their wicked hearts. They have an evil way of twisting things around, so that you feel guilty for confronting them on what they did wrong. And now you feel you are the “crazy” one for even thinking that they would do something wrong or harmful. This technique is referred to as “gaslighting” made famous by an old black-and-white movie. The phrase comes from the 1940’s film Gaslight, in which an abusive evil husband deliberately dimes the gaslights in the house, and when his wife confronts him he tells her she’s just imagining it, that the lights never dimmed at all. The intent is to convince you that your version of reality is not right.


Toxic People lie about anything and everything in order for others not to hold them accountable and they can avoid responsiblity, because they claim "I didn't know" "I wasn't aware" or "I couldn't control or help myself" "It just happened", and their favorite Selective Amnesia, "I forgot, can't remember, not sure, didn't happen that way", or the denial of "I did not do that" when you know for certain that s/he did. This is called Gaslighting which makes you doubt your own Reality and Sanity. For more on the Gaslighting Effect, Click Here.

Remember, it is my goal for this blog to not be a preaching place, but a teaching place.

Therefore, here is your third homework assignment.

Remember to always ask God to speak to you through His words each time before you read the passage.

Read Matthew 12:43-45

Write down what you here God saying to you about your life and your situation.

What feelings do you have?

When I read this sentence/s I felt . . . . . Write down all your emotions.

Write down any questions you have.

Did you find any answers after reading?

How are you going to apply this new knowledge to your life?

It's okay if you didn't find any answers this time, really it is. Remember life is a journey we all travel at our owns speed.

Save this blog in your favorites & come back every week to find out how the powerful words from our Holy Father keeps me strong and sets me free!

For the next blog post in this series, Click Here. 

Christ Brings Division-WOW!

These are the powerful words from my Holy Parent that set me free from a toxic relationship and a Life Time of abuse:
Matthew 10:34-39;
Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth? I did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.
 Quick note: if you don’t see your particular relationship represented don’t worry. The same concepts apply to sons & mothers, daughters & fathers, spouses, siblings, family members, friends, etc.

If you are wondering how does this pertain to Toxic & Abusive Parents, or Spouses

Click Here.

The heading in my NKJ Bible states Christ Brings Division. When is the last time you heard a preacher teach about this aspect of Christ in church? They should. A lot of healing needs to take place in the Family of God, so that we can be strong, healthy, and Joy-filled to complete God’s calling on our life. I believe that so many people have infected wounds from toxic relationships that weight them down, stealing their time, and keeping them from walking in their Destiny and fulfilling their Purpose in Life.

God comes to bring separation with a sword, not a gentle time-out, but a sword. I have tried the gentle time-out method (well maybe not so gentle in some situations). I use to believe that, If she (the toxic person) just thinks about it long enough, then she will be remorseful and change. She will miss me being in her life (only because she misses a moving target, and not because she desires to have a loving relationship with me). The time-out method didn’t work. How come? Because Toxic, Narcissist, Evil People do not have a conscience, that’s why they say and do hurtful things, over, and over, and over, again. There is no conscience, convicting or motivating them to change. There is much debate about whether or not Toxic People have a conscience, and just turn it off or ignore it, or if they were ever created w/one in the first place. If you are wondering if the Toxic Person has a conscience and is conscious of his/her conscience, in other words, Are they aware they are hurting others? Do they have control over their harmful behavior, and Is it really their intent to use and abuse others? Then Click Here.

If someone tries to be “Jiminy the Cricket” to the toxic, narcissist person what happens? Nothing. Jiminy the Cricket is a character from the Disney Movie Pinocchio. Jiminy the Cricket is the small insect friend of Pinocchio, and Pinocchio is a little wooden puppet who had no conscience. This little Puppet had no idea of telling right from wrong, so his friend Jiminy would teach & counsel him and make him conscious of his conscience. Oh the Toxic Person/Narcissist may express to you how s/he understands what they have done or said to hurt you (and maybe s/he does understand, but s/he does not truly care, due to lack of empathy for others); the Narcissist still refuses to change as evidence by the continued hurtful behavior. They are Puppet Masters at convincing us and telling us what we want to hear in order for us to forgive them, continue the toxic relationship, and stayed trapped in their KoN (Kingdom of Narcissism). I believe that everyone is created with a conscience; just some turn it off so that they don’t have to change. In the twisted mind of the  toxic, narcissistic, person, s/he is always right and every body else is always wrong. How does the song go in the movie, oh yes, “let your conscience be your guide.” We were not created to be someone else's conscience, and even if you said you were okay with being the Toxic Person/Narcissist conscience it will not change his/her behavior, because they are not motivated to change because they lack empathy & remorse and enjoy hurting others. It is not that they can not tell right from wrong, it is because doing wrong to others makes them feel good. They only thing they regret is that we hold them accountable, but they get out of that by making false promises of changing or making excuses for the abuses.

Toxic People lie about anything and everything in order for others not to hold them accountable and they can avoid responsiblity, because they claim "I didn't know" "I wasn't aware" or "I couldn't control or help myself" "It just happened", and their favorite Selective Amnesia, "I forgot, can't remember, not sure, didn't happen that way", or the denial of "I did not do that" when you know for certain that s/he did. This is called Gaslighting which makes you doubt your own Reality and Sanity. For more on the Gaslighting Effect, Click Here.

For I have come to set a daughter against her mother – WOW! Daughters of Narcissistic mothers, have you noticed it says daughter against mother and NOT mother against daughter? Mothers should not be against daughters. A parent should not be against their child -- unless in the case where the child is a narcissist/unrepentant person. This also applies to the Enabling Parent/Secondary Abuser/Covert Narcissist as well, who sides (makes excuses for the abuses) with the Overt /Obvious Narcissistic Parent/Primary Abuser, and emotionally abandons his/her own Child. Do not let the Enabler off the hook because s/he appears weak, helpless, or "just another victim". S/he makes a Conscious Choice to side with the Primary Abuser. Why do they do that? Simple, the Primary Abuser is much more important to him/her than you – ouch-but true! For more on how Enablers are Secondary Abusers, Click Here.

We only need to read God’s words to find out why He came to bring Division. Surely because He loves us and wants us to have an Abundant Life full of Peace, Hope, Love and Joy. The other part of it is that we are no good to Him if we are bound to Evil, Dysfunctional, Toxic People. These Toxic People drain us of our Life Energy, and steal our time. They distract and deter us from our destiny, from our unique purpose. They are literally a waste of precious time. Instead of dealing with their toxic drama we could be using our time helping others, bringing blessing to others in need instead of dealing with all the pain and misery the toxic person is causing in our life.

On a Practical Note, think of the actual time it took going through the latest Dramatic & Choatic Event with the Toxic Person/Narcissist/Reprobate, then the time it took to try and Enlighten him/her on how s/he hurt you or another loved one, how s/he needs to have empathy & remorse for others, and how they should change a particular behavior as not to re-offend. Now add up all the time you had to rehash the Toxic Event to your Spouse, all of your Friends, Siblings, other Family Members, and your Counselor/Therapist/Life Coach/Spiritual Leader/Advisor. Then ask yourself, was this Toxic Situation really resolved? Did the Toxic Person/Narcissist/Reprobate gain insight? Was s/he remorseful? Has s/he truly changed his/her thought processes & behavior? Has s/he really repented? Or has it been sweeped under the rug waiting to come out, and bit ya or attack ya when you least expect it? Think of all the time not to mention money you spent on Therapy, Counseling or Self-Help Books, CDs, or DVDs. You probably could have had bought a Boat Cruise to Hawaii, bought some great matching Luggage, and Designer Clothes to pack inside. I guess the next time the Toxic Person "trips out" you need to ask yourself, What kind of trip do I want to go on? If you go on a Toxic Trip w/the Narcissist (N) it is Destination Devastation, unless you leave before the Toxic Person throws you overboard, and feeds you to his/her pet sharks called Depression & Despair who enjoy feeding off of your Self-Worth & Self-Esteem.

Think of all the time you have invested into that Toxic Person. Are you Emotionally Bankrupt?And then when you Leave the Toxic Person it isn't over, there is still the Recovery Time to heal the wounds the Toxic Person gave you. The Toxic Person is stealing your Life Time. What a waste of precious time! Just think of what you could have done with all of that time. What talents did our Creator gift you with, and how did He say He wants you to utilize them in your Life? Remember those goals and dreams you once had, but have put off for lack of time. Don’t despair for what the enemy meant for bad, God will use for Good. He will redeem your lost time, money, joy, etc. I know that all the horrible abuse I suffered as a Child and as an Adult will be put to good use, some how, some way. Do not get me wrong. Our God is a Loving God and He did not plan for horrible things to happen to us. Abuse was NEVER in His plan for us. Jeremiah 29:11 The things that the Enemy meant to destroy us God will use for Good. If the Creator of everything and my personal Savior has said to separate, then what am I waiting for? He definately knows what is best for me, and staying with an Evil, Toxic, Narcissistic, Reprobate Person is NOT it. It is time to spread my wings, and fly out of the pit. For whom the Son set Free is Free indeed! I am Free at last - thank God Almighty I am Free at last! Look out world here I come! Isn’t time for you to fly out of your pit too? If I can do it, you can too!

After I researched God’s Word about Separating from my Toxic, Narcissistic Mother I had all these feelings and emotions that I had to put into words. I am not a writer, or at least I never thought myself as one, until some very wise and talented women convinced me I was (well, still getting use to the idea of Writer). The post, Still A Work In Progress is my written Journey out of the Pit .

Why do I say go No Contact instead of very Limited Contact? Limited Contact does not work with Toxic People, and I can not in Good Conscience recommend something that will only lead you to more abuse, pain, and heartache. This is still your choice and you must do what is right for you and your Family of Creation (Spouse & Children), if you have a Family of Creation. Going No Contact is not a decision I made over night, or because of just one situation. It was the result of a Lifetime of Abuse. So if you are not quite ready to make a huge decision that is okay. Read on and maybe something will clear up the doubts you might have.

What about the whole Forgiveness thing, the forgive 7x70, turn the other cheek, and Are toxic, narcissistic people hurting us on purpose? Can they really be that evil? Return soon and find out.

Is there actual Biblical Situations where God told somone that s/he has His Blessing to go No Contact, and that God actually said to go No Contact? Yes! There are actually a few examples. Click Here.

If you desire to make the decision to go No Contact (NC) either Temporarily or Permanently, yet you do not feel others in your life will agree or support your decision and you worry about what they might think, say, or do, then Fear Not! If God says it is okay, then who are they to argue with God. We must decide to give GOD the last word on our Life. If others want to stay with the Toxic Person or feel that God is telling them to stay with the Toxic Person, then that is between them & God, just as you leaving the Toxic Person is between you & God. God may want them to stay and may want you to leave. Each Person has his/her own Purpose, and if they feel it is their Purpose to stay, then they can stay, and when you know it is your Purpose to leave, and not be w/a Toxic Person, then leave. Listen to God. Don't listen to others, including me, you must listen to what God says about your Life. I know God as the Loving & Holy Parent, and I would definitely not tell my Daughter to stay in a relationship w/a Toxic Person, and I know God would not want His Daughter to do that either.

You must pray about No Contact. And if God brings Peace in being Free from Toxic People, then that is Confirmation that you have God's Blessing. No Contact doesn't have to be set in Stone. I have told my Narcissistic Parents (Nparents) that in regards to my relationship which each of them, It is Finished. I know w/God the Impossible is Possible, and I know it is God's desire for them not to be Evil, but the Nparents must make that Change. The No Contact with last as long as their harmful behaviors & desires last. God has taught me what to look for in case real Authentic Change really happens, so that I will not be Fooled by their Lies, and once again be Deceived out of my Despiration to have Parents. What I say is that the NO Contact is as Permanent as their Pathology.

Remember, it is my goal for this blog to not be a preaching place, but a teaching place. Therefore, here is your second homework assignment. Remember to always pray that God would speak to you through His words each time before you read.

Read Matthew 12:33-37

Write down what you hear God saying to you about your life and your situation.

What feelings do you have?

When I read this (sentence/s). . . I felt. . . . write down all your emotions.

Write down any questions you have.

Did you find any answers?

How are you going to apply this new knowledge to your life?

It's okay if you didn't find any answers this time-remember life is a journey.

Save this blog in your favorites & come back every week to find out how the powerful words from my awesome Holy Father set me free!

For the next blog post in this series, Click Here.

Still A Work In Progress. . .

I know I am healing, because something that has been dead is now coming alive!

I am still a work in progress, and this written piece is still a work in progress.

Living in Darkness:

What is that peaceful sound I hear beaconing me to come near? As I crawl out of the darkness I find a beautiful red bird singing songs of love. I have never heard such a thing before. These words are so foreign to me. This beautiful creature tells me that the Creator of all made me wonderfully and beautifully.

Oh you must be mistaken. I am not like you. I was born and raised in a cold cruel dark pit. My mother hissed at me, and brought me dead things to eat. My father fought with my mother horribly, violently struck one of my sisters, and slithered away in the night abandoning us forever. My Uncle, the largest serpent of them all, wounded me deeply, and I was then so small. My mother instead of healing the hurt, covered it up, and made it worse. She hisssed, in the future, you will ssssee, you musssst attack firsssst, if you want to be sssstrong like me. We are all ssssnakes you know, and thisssss issss how it isssss when your family issss your foe.

Time to Fly:

As each new day went by the beautiful red bird brought me nourishing fresh fruit. It filled me up, and made me strong. She asked me one day, Why do you live in this cold, and cruel dark pit? I told her that a pit is where all snakes live. She told me to step into the light. But that light is sooo very bright. She assured me that it would be all right.

The light was so warm, and comforting, and after my eyes adjusted to the brightness she said to me, come sit up here with me under this Grand Tree. I told her that she was sitting on a branch way too high for me to reach. I told her that a snake could not climb a tree. She said, you were not made to crawl you were made to fly. Take a new look at yourself, and what do you see?

I see wings! Yes, wings! Dusty and dirty white wings they may be; they are still wings, and they're on me! She said, my dear little dove, you are not a snake, but a beautiful bird created from above. The Creator I told you about, He made you with love.

Go ahead little one let out your cry

Go ahead little one spread your wings and try

Go ahead little one it's time to fly!

As I look out of the pit, what do I see?

Gorgeous birds, all different spectacular colors encouraging me.

I am not like you, don’t you see?

I am dirty and filthy and plain as can be.

My wings are weak and I cannot sing. I am not worth it, let me be,

I just don’t belong in that Marvelous Tree.

Freedom Flight:

One-by-one they flew to me, so brave, so courageous, and so valiant as can be.

Opening their hearts, and telling me their stories of how they were once so empty, broken and wounded like me.

How they flew out of their ugly pits, and now are Free.

Their words are so loving, so encouraging, and so healing to me.

Their voices became one, as I heard them say, the healing is done, time to fly away.

It is true, you will look back and mourn someday, but now is the time to be on your way. Today is the day you are strong, today is the day you put right a wrong.

Spread your wings and take flight, look out for the serpent mother she may put up a fight.

Don’t turn your back, until she is at a safe distance for she may try to strike for her last evil reminisce.

Keep your destiny in sight, for you may experience some turbulence on your first flight.

Soar away, high, up high with all of your might.

This is where you were always meant to be, and now come live in the Majestic, Loving, Family Tree.

I never knew it was possible you see.

I never knew I could be so truly set Free.

Free from the darkness, and the shame.

Free from the emptiness, and not knowing my name.

copyright 2009 Soaring Dove

Letting Go With Honor - intro.

Letting Go With Honor:

The toxic, narcissistic, sociopath, evil, person in your life can be a parent, family member, friend, or foe. This blog demonstrates how to deal with a toxic, narcissistic, sociopath, evil, mother. The same concepts can be applied to a father, another family member, friend, or foe. For some reason, it seems that the hardest one to let go is the one with the mother. Maybe because she is the one who gave you birth. However, before you were created in your mother's womb God knew you. You are His creation-not hers! She carried you, but God created you. We were God's Child before we became our Biological Parent's. What God has taught me along my healing journey is that our Family of Origin (FOO) is in Heaven not Earth. Love makes a Family not DNA. Those who love us are our Family. Family is defined by Love not Biology.

A mother is created & ordained to protect her child, not purposely hurt her for her own selfish satisfaction. What Mother thinks that way? After deeply searching God’s word and doing some research I concluded that a REAL mother does not purposely want to hurt her child.

L. – formally known as mom, has been abusive and evil towards her daughters for as long as I can remember. In clinical terms she definitely fits the narcissistic/sociopath criteria. The King James Bible refers to these type of People who lack empathy & remorse and refuse to repent as Reprobates.  The term and concept of the Reprobate literally got lost in translation, and can not be found in any of the newer translations. 

As a very young child I knew L. had something wrong with her, and years later when I went to college to study Psychology things fell into place. During my college years through my studies, research, personal therapy, and job experience I began to accept the fact that the problem was not me, or my sisters (which we were brainwashed to think) but with L. However, knowing something and dealing with it the right-way are two different things. I have tried Limited Contact and No Contact (the only choice that really works with a true Narcissist), praying, pleading, and giving her personal therapy myself (out of desperation because she would not go to a therapist to change for others-only to fulfill her narcissistic supply by playing the victim and blaming others). There is nothing humanly possible we can do for a narcissistic person. The only hope is for him/her to have a Road to Damascus intervention with God Himself.

After being on my face in prayer I heard the Holy Spirit say that the only way that L. has a hope to change is that if she loses everyone in her life, then maybe she will turn to God, and He can fix what is broken. As long as she has someone else she can focus on (get her narcissistic supply from) and play the victim to gain sympathy that supplies her with all she needs and she will never take account of her own behavior, and be moved to repent and change. People are replaceable to a Narcissist. If someone is upset at a Narcissist, the Narcissist does not care, because the Narcissist will just replace that person with another. People do not have any intrinsic value to the Narcissist, so the Narcissist is not motivated to work on reconciliation, and instead will just substitute one person for the next. 

The few times I choose No Contact with my biomom lead to peace for me. Of course it would be nice to have a mother, and now being a mommy myself I would love to have a mom to encourage me, and wrap her arms around me when life gets tough, but a Narcissist can NOT be a mom. She just cannot be a “good enough mom” no matter how bad you want her to. As long as she has an evil mindset/spirit she will always be a curse in your life that will bring you down, and cause you and your spouse, and your children pain. The sins of the Parents are passed down to the 3rd and 4th generation. When our children watch the dysfunctional and harmful relationships they become accustomed to them so much so that they too will be in dysfunctional & harmful relationships, because it is familiar, normal to them, what they are use to, because we have modeled it for them, and it is how they think People interact with one another. Children will do what they see their Parents do, and if we stay in dysfunctional & harmful relationships, so will they. Staying in dysfunctional & harmful relationships gets passed down from one generation to the next, because we are all attracted to the familiar no matter how toxic it turns out to be for us. 
Deciding to make a Decision that will forever change your life, and the life of your children is not easy. Many People are afraid to let go of toxic people, because it creates a void, so out of fear we continue to make excuses for the abuses, deny the extent of the harm toxic people do to us and our Family, and keep harmful people in our lives. In my professional career I have worked with abused children, and given a choice between being safe & not having their abusive parent, and not being safe and having his/her abusive parent, the child will choose to be with the abusive parent rather than to have no parent at all. Children who have abusive and neglectful parents will purposely to something wrong to get their parent's attention. These children have learned that their positive behavior is ignored, but their bad behavior get their neglectful parent's attention and bad attention is better than no attention at all. Thus a bad parent is better than no parent at all. 
 The devil will use our longing to be loved against us. The Narcissist has brainwashed us into believing that s/he is the only one who will love us, and that we need their love, and can not survive without it. The Narcissist's Love is a Counterfeit, it is not Authentic, and it is only a Grand Illusion. We think that their love is elusive, hard to get, when it is really illusive, none existing, just an illusion. They love us not because of who we are, but what we can do for them which is give them authentic love. They give us Counterfeit Love, so that they can receive our Authentic Love. It hurts to admit to ourself that the person we love does not really love us in return. It is easier to make excuses such as, "well s/he just loves me in his/her own way, or as best s/he can." Once we stop the excuses, except reality for what it is instead of what we want it to be and realize that we deserve to be loved in return, and the Narcissist is unable to reciprocate love, because s/he enjoys hurting others, then we decide that we really don't want to have any contact with a person who can not return love and enjoys hurting others. We come to the very painful conclusion that we need to have no more contact. The death of a relationship is a very painful thing, especially if that relationship is with someone very close to us like a Parent, Spouse, or Child. There is a huge grieving process that comes from the death of a relationship. Only those who have experienced having to make the very painful decision of No Contact can fully understand what we go through, others who have not experienced having to let go of a very toxic person in order to free from abuse will not understand our decision, because they have never had to make this very painful decision.
I know from experience, that if I don’t have a strong personal relationship with our Holy Parent, then well intended fellow Christians can lead me to more abuse by giving advice on things that they know not of. Seek our Holy Parent’s advice, and lean not unto our own understanding, nor the understanding of others. Trust the Lord with all your heart and soul and He shall direct your path. Well-intended and very knowledgeable fellow Christians will even quote you God’s words such as “turn the other cheek, forgive 7 x 70, God hates divorce, love your enemy, and the famous honor thy mother and thy father. You have to know what our Holy Parent says about forgiveness and evildoers (Luke 17:3, basically they repent-you forgive). TRUE Repentance must come First. None of us are perfect, and we all fall so short of the Glory of God, but perfection is not what we are requiring, only the lack of continued abuse. We do not expect people to be perfect, just not abusive and when they do something hurtful to have regret, remorse, repent, change and stop hurting us. Life about Progression, not Perfection. Those who truly love us will stop hurting us and those who love to hurt us will continue to do so. 
Jeremiah 29:11 shows us that God has great plans for us and abuse is never apart of it. If someone tells you that s/he can't help themselves when they hurt us, then that is their admission that they are going to keep on hurting us, and will not stop. The Truth is they can stop, they just don't want to stop, because they enjoy hurting us, because when we feel bad, they feel good. How do I know that they have control over their behavior, click here.
What I know for sure is that if you seek, you shall find the answers you need for your situation.

It is my goal for this blog to not be a preaching place, but a teaching place.

Therefore, here is your first homework assignment:

(pray that God would speak to you through His words each time before you read)

Read-Matthew 10:34-39

Write down what you hear God saying to you about your life and your situation.

What feelings do you have?

When I read this (sentence/s). . . I felt. . . . write down all your emotions.

Write down any questions you have.

Did you find any answers? It's okay if you didn't this time-remember life is a journey.

How are you going to apply this new knowledge to your life?

Save this blog in your favorites & come back soon to find out how the powerful words from my awesome Holy Father set me free!


For the next blog post in this series, Click Here.