Saturday, August 14, 2010

Change your words Change your life

I wonder if I have been replaced yet?

Remember, you are an amazing individual who has intrinsic value, thus your uniqueness can not be replaced, he can only find a new source to deceive. He will never find another you, only another source. And you are nobody's source!

Tonight Upsi reminded me of one of the greatest lessons I learned from one of my Therapists/Life Coaches that changed my life because it empowered & grounded me and balanced my life. From that moment I went from just living life to actually enjoying it.

I great short fast read book that was required reading is Hung by the Tongue. If you implement the principles that it teaches it will forever change your life. No joke it is that great! It is required reading for CEO's of many huge big businesses.

We can't break up with our mothers, we can't end the relationship~upsi
I use to feel the same way. Then my T told me what I will share with you, Who says you can not break up or divorce your toxic mother, Who says she must stay in your life? There was a great NY Times article on Divorcing One's Parent, but it is no longer on the internet. Many people choose to do this when they realize that a relationship w/a NM means constant & consistent disappointment and pain at some level or another. I am not in any way telling you or Upsi to go NC that is your choice, but also know that it is also your choice to remain in contact. I guess what I am awkwardly trying to say, the actual words we choose send a message to Self that we have power (I choose to) or no power (I must, have to, forced to, got to, can't, have no other choice etc.) These are words my T told me to remove from my vocabulary for the next 30 days and see what happens. using words that say I have no power over my life. I could only use the phrase, I choose to. . . . Of course I asked her, well there are things we all have to do and she replied, like what? I have to pay rent. Why? Well, I can't not pay. Why Not? I will lose my apartment, have to find another place, ruin my credit, etc. So you choose to pay your rent because you do not like the alternative consequence of not paying the rent, but the choice is still up to you. Choose the behavior choose the accompanying consequence (this of course is the short-version, IRL it took a bit longer for me to fully accept what my T was saying to me ). Even when the choices we have are pretty terrible as in choosing a Toxic Mother or having No Mother, for me it meant No parents, none at all, because I had already choose to go NC w/Monster Dad years ago. So both choices are terrible. Of course my choice would be to have a loving imperfect parent that could value at some level having a D that loves her, and she could love me in return, but that is not reality. Wish it was, but it is not. That is only an illusion. What I had to do first was to grieve the dream/the goal/the illusion that someday in some small way my life would have true meaning to my NM other than a source of NS. This third choice is not ever going to be available to me no matter how hard I tried, cried, and prayed. So I have two choices available to me and at the end of this month I will be celebrating my choice's First Anniversary of NC. I do agree w/Gavin de Becker author of The Gift of Fear, that if I never realized it was my choice to stay in a relationship w/a N person than I would never realize that I had the power to choose to leave it. When you choose NC whether it is temp. or permanent you say to the N , but most importantly you say to yourself that The Pain Stops Here & Now. By Pain it not only limited to heart ache & physical discomfort; it also includes, Stress, Anxiety, Depression, Confusion, Learned Helplessness, Anger, Fear, Guilt, etc. and everything that goes all with these. NC means No More New Pain to be added to your life from the N where to me LC, which I have done since my senior year in HS, means that I am taking a Time Out from the Pain, but the Pain always resumes w/contact (ie new attacks = new pain). NC does not have to be something you set in stone. You can do it for a year, or 6 months, and at the end ask yourself:
Have I had enough time to heal all the old pain before I add some new pain on top of the old? Just because the pain is not present does not mean it is completely healed. Absent of pain does not mean healing necessarily, it could mean that the person that triggers the pain (the toxic person) is not present to elicit it.
Do I want to resume contact = resume attacks = resume pain or renew another year of NC to continue to work on healing the old pain? or

If the old pain has healed do I want to deal with new pain by resuming contact?

Resume Contact or have another year of NC?

Can you guess which one I am going to choose?

Last year I was at the Proverbial Cross Roads. There are two roads before me. The familiar one that behind me shows abuse in my past, beside me shows abuse in my present, and down the road leads me to more abuse waiting to attack me, or there is the unfamiliar road that offers Freedom from abuse and a Journey to Healing. This road I hear provides an Escape from the Kingdom of Narcissism (the KoN) & abuse to a Whole New World of Understanding, Validation & Love, the Land of Love Now that I have had my first year of NC (I actually did NC for a year once before in my life) continuing another year of NC is not scary and I have peace about it.,6961.msg21582.html#msg21582

Sometimes I just want to run away! ~ Seekingme
Oh do I remember this feeling. This is a choice available to you. When I left the KoN it started off with escaping the Pain, but somewhere along the Journey it became about. . . . letting go and seeking me.
I think you might like this thread.
Metaphorically speaking, What kind of shoes are you wearing right now?,7070.0.html

book that is very inexpensive, a very quick read and life changing for me was
Hung by the Tongue

Check out the reviews,
"Martin shows that success and defeat is born in the mind. We as humans tend to speak what we believe. Martin shows that what we speak can bring on failure or victory."

Even from a critic, " I struggled to read the book fully since I do not believe in God and this book was all from the perspective of a God-fearing soul. But this offered some tremendous advice - the power of words that leave our mouth. In fact, one example stood out - if one is arrested in the US, the cops "recite" some sentences. Almost always that starts with "You have the right to remain SILENT. Anything you say may be used against you in the court of law....". That was a big eye-opener! As they say in management - "When in deep s**t, keep your mouth shut"! Watch what you say! Read this book! And if you are god-fearing, you will reap much more postives from this book."

Before I knew there was a word for Projected Lies, I read this book. It taught me how to deal & heal from Projected Lies from the KoN and to be a Friend to Self. Even if you don't share the Spiritual Perspective, the Principles & Precepts are Powerful. It will help to empower Self and protect self from being one's own worst enemy.

Hung by the Tongue is worth more than its weight in gold!


  1. It is empowering to radically realize that everything is a choice - it wasn't always this way. As a child, I didn't have a choice, and I survived the best way I could.

    I like this: "What I had to do first was to grieve the dream/the goal/the illusion that someday in some small way my life would have true meaning to my NM other than a source of NS."

    It starts there for me, too. And the grief, it hits hard. But I keep at it. I choose to be free today, and I'll choose it tomorrow, too.

    Thanks for your post, great advice.


  2. Upsi, I love my DD so very much and the fact that my own mother can not or will not love just a little -- well that sting continues to remain. It just doesn't have the power to devastate anymore. On top of grieving the dream of the Momster being a Mom that could love me just a little I also had to face reality that my Sibs do not value me like I do them. Talk about hitting rock bottom. I thought this pain, grief, and depression would never end because our situation was never going to change. I told my DH, you do not know the pain I am in and I thank God you never will. He can see that I was in deep pain and he felt bad for me and could sympathize for what I was experiencing, but to "fully" KNOW it you must experience it and this is something I pray he never has to endure & survive.
    It is one thing to divorce a spouse, or break up w/a lover, but to divorce a parent there is no replacing a parent's exact role in your life. It is something I can not give too much weight to or it devalues the authentic love I receive from others. The more I let the void be filled by the love from others the less impact this loss has on my life. I know I am in a much better place than I was in a year ago and a year from now will be even better.

    Thank you for your kindness, validation and understanding Upsi. :)