Sunday, December 4, 2011

Holiday Tip

Do not let the N's contaminate Christmas. Consider fasting Ns this Holiday by having a temporary No Contact (NC) and discover the blessing of NC. If for some reason you can not fast the N, then ignore his/her triggering comments just like they never said it -- it is very hard I know! By ignoring the N's comments you send a strong message to them that they do not have the power to contaminate or ruin your Holidays or any day. By ignoring Ns we also send a message to the rest of the family, but most importantly we send a message to ourselves to focus on what is important this Holiday and what is not. This message is a reminder to self most of all, because I tend to give the N's stupid comments the power to contaminate by addressing them, but by ignoring them sends a strong message to others, but more importantly to self that these stupid statements are not important enough to even address.

If you can't avoid them, ignore them! -- this applies to the stupid Ns and their stupid covert statements.

Moderate to high level Ns are at their worst not their best during the Holidays, because they think their targets (us) are trapped in their KoN (Kingdom of Narcissism), that the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) is too thick, so they can blast through our boundaries, and we will just take it to "keep the peace at any price". In these cases I recommend that the second the N starts on the covert attack if it is publicly, just say that was rude or that was mean. If you have established that you, and your spouse/family will not tolerate rude, disrespectful or mean behavior/comments, then everyone will know that the second covert or overt attack by the N will cause you and your family to leave, so the enablers have two choices to warn the N to knock it off before s/he once again ruins Christmas, or to enable the N & blame the victim for "being too sensitive". 

Depending on the level of pathology in the N, the N will adhere to your warning and modify his/her comments, or justify and victim blame by saying "I was only joking, and you are always just too sensitive, can't you take a joke." We can not explain reality to Ns, because they live in their own Kingdom of Narcissism (KoN). Keep things very simple and repeat, that was not funny, and leave it at that. If the N continues, leave the room and give the enablers a chance to straighten the N out. If the N continues the attacks, leave the KoN if you are at someone else's house, or tell the N that it is time for the N to leave your home. 

Modifying lower level Ns behavior is about us having follow through, and getting up and leaving when the second covert attack comes or telling the N to leave if s/he is at your home, and not letting the other enablers guilt trip us into staying for more attacks.

The comments above is not meant to say to keep ignoring continued attacks by the N, only one stupid statement that is so covert that most don't even detect it (especially the enablers), such as N saying "the stuffing you made last year was really good" implying that this year's in not good or inferior, or "your sibling made a great dinner or I had a great time at your siblings house" (no compliment for you) covert slam. These are the stupid statements that I am suggesting you ignore, unless it is followed by another attack, then ask the N to leave if s/he is at your house, or you leave if you are at their's or another family member's. 

Do not get trapped into trying to explain things to enablers, they don't get it, because they don't get attacked and most enablers are covert lower levels Ns that don't care if you get attacked and just encourage us to shut up and put up, because they are happy that as long as you are getting attacked they are not. 

Just get up and leave the KoN.

Here is what I wrote last year about There is No N in Christmas, click here.

I hope you have a blessed Christmas.

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