The Kingdom of Narcissism

I guess it is poetic justice to post this article on April 1st, aka, April Fool's Day.

This is dedicated to all of us who have suffered & those who are still suffering at the hands of the Counterfeits in the Kingdom of Narcissism also known as the KoN.

This has been my life up to this point, so it is a bit of a read. It is a life-time of experience condensed into one article, or more accurately speaking, one chapter. I am not a writer, just someone who has spent the first part of her life in The KoN. Grab your favorite drink & snack and I hope you will enjoy the read!

I never felt comfortable with calling my biological mom, mom. Nobody is perfect, I get that, and she was never a Mom in any small sense of the word. A Mom is someone who loves and protects their Children and that is something she never did. Just like a Spouse is suppose to love, cherish, and protect and how a Friend is suppose to love you by having your Best Interest at Heart. A Counterfeit is something or someone who looks like and imitates the Real Thing, but is nothing less than a Deceiver and a Fraud, hence I have a New Title for my egg donor, Counterfeit Mom. Same thing for the sperm donor who appeared, disappeared, and reappeared in our lives when ever he needed a Narcissistic Fix and play Super Dad, along with the fact that he preyed on his own children makes him, the Counterfeit Dad. And the spouse that abuses is a Counterfeit Spouse and the friend, co-worker, family member or sibling that betrays is the Counterfeit Friend/Co-worker/Family Member/Sibling.

The Kingdom of Narcissism, aka (The KoN), comes from the fact that Narcissists don't live in the real world, but their own. They have their own reality that everyone living in the KoN must accept or they will be deemed crazy. A land in which the Narcissists (Ns) are all powerful and rule over the Less-Thans (us). A land in which they make the rules and break the rules. A land in which everyone must act just like them & think just like them. A land of no mirrors that will reveal their True Identity. A land of guilt & accountability for everyone else, but them. A Land where the Narcissist's sins are forgivable & accepted and you must be perfect. A Land where Mercy & Grace must be given to the Narcissist, but none is given to you. A land where abuse is how they show love. A land where verbal abuse is accepted and encouraged because is makes you strong to face the world. A land of GasLighting, Triangulation, and Manipulation. A land where ground is made out of egg shells & everyone tip-toes around trying to keep the Great Counterfeit happy, so that his/her True Nature/Identity, the Narcissistic Vampire will not come out and attack. A land that is actually a landfill containing Hidden Bombs and no one knows how or when they will explode, but we know Who shows up when they explode, the Narcissistic Vampire. A land of make believing everything is fine. A land of secrets. A land of lies. A land where Truth is relative and what you make it. A land where relationships are held together through Fear, Guilt & Obligation, aka the FOG. A land of Group Sabotage & Self-Sabotage is encouraged, so that no one can do better than the Narcissist. A land of Dead Dreams. A land where your Self-Esteem & Self-Worth is slaughtered as a Child and when you are an Adult with no Self-Esteem you are kicked in the face for not having any. A land where your Family is your Foe, but you don't know, until you leave. A land where love does not exist.

Now that my Counterfeit Mom has been exposed for the truly toxic unremorseful evil Narcissistic Vampire she really is, I look back at her behavior in recent years as well as the distant past (some of which I shared in this blog) and wonder, How could I have been such a Fool not to see her for who she really is? I guess that is what constant and consistent years of denial will do to a person-it numbs you to the truth. It is a sad heartbreaking situation when abusive evil toxic behavior becomes your "normal standard" in the KoN. Well, here's to being a Fool no more! Once the last scales of denial fall from your eyes the truth will be too painful to ignore and the truth shall make you free!

Yes, it is a Tale as Old as Time, from the Evil Serpent in the Garden pretending to be something he is not in order to deceive the first Woman & Man to the famous classic story of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr Hyde, or in modern terminology, to the real life situations of Great Counterfeits and their hidden secret identities. . . Narcissistic Vampires.

Toxic, Abusive, Narcissistic, Family or Friends are nothing more than Great Counterfeits. To outsiders who are unexperienced with manipulative narcissistic behavior these Counterfeits look like the Real Thing. The Main Reason is that Narcissists spend the majority of their time with Self-Promoting their False Image of a loving, caring, and supporting person. That is until someone courageously holds a mirror up to them, and like all Vampires, the Loving Reflection is missing. The Narcissistic Person quickly goes on defense by claiming the mirror must be broken. Only the very wise & experienced can detect this excuse for the lie that it really is while others, despite what they see with their own eyes, will agree that the mirror must be broken.

This is analogous to the famous children's story, The Emperor's New Clothes where two great Deceivers/Counterfeits convince the Emperor and all the people in his kingdom that "only the wisest of people will be able to see the Emperor's new outfit" which like all lies is nothing but thin air. The Emperor parades down the Main Street naked as the day he was born all while people are denying what they are witnessing with their own eyes and instead declaring how beautiful The Emperor's clothes are even though he is not wearing anything at all. The fear of being singled out, ridiculed, alienated, alstrasized, and rejected by others is so great that people will conform to a lie no matter how ridiculous it is. It took a child to boldly speak the Truth, The Emperor has no clothes on! to expose the popular accepted Lie. Everyone could obviously see that the Emperor had no clothes on, so Why didn't they speak up? Was it just the power of Crowd Conformity that kept them quite, or is there something more?

Not only did people not speak up for the Truth and remain quite, but they actually lied about how great the Emperor's new clothes looked on him. What was that all about? Was it just a lack of integrity on their part, or was it a selfish act of self-promoting? Were these people positioning themselves to be the Golden Child. The old saying goes, Evil exist because good men do nothing. If evil exists because we do nothing, what happens when people actually do something to support a lie, like with the Emperor's new clothes where people were piling lie on top of lie w/compliment after compliment about clothes that didn't even exist. Piling lie on top of lie buries & covers the Truth up completely that the crowd/family actually starts believing their popularly accepted lies. It takes a set of new fresh eyes that has no ties to the crowd/family or the Emperor/Great Counterfeit to uncover the Hidden Truth and expose the statements/perceptions/attitudes/behaviors/feelings for what they are, False and nothing more than made up Lies.

When the loving image/behavior of the Great Counterfeit is missing there are only two basic reasons. The first is that, as stated before, the mirror must be broken. There must be something wrong with your eyes (the Broken Mirror) that you can not see an image that is not really there (i.e., Naked Emperor w/invisible clothes that don't really exist)--not true! You must have just imagined, dreamt up, or hallucinated the entire Harmful Event--not true! You are just not "recalling things correctly"--not true, you did! You are just "too sensitive"--not true! To Narcissistic Vampires who have no heart/emotions, due to their lack of Empathy, you actually having a caring heart/emotions make you appear to them as "too sensitive". It is not your defect, but theirs for being numb, calleoused & cold hearted. The assumption is there must be something wrong with you, because others are willing to accept a lie despite what they see with their own eyes. In other words, let's ignore all the timese the NVampire is abusive and just focus on the good things s/he has done for you & others. The mean abusive toxic behavior doesn't truly reflect who the Great Counterfeit really is because (insert accepted excuse/lie here, "had a bad day" "didn't really mean it" "stressed out" "lost control" "didn't know what s/he was doing/saying" "not themselves" etc.).

The Alternative Reason, the Truth, is to realize that the kind, caring, positive image of the Great Counterfeit is just a Deceptive Illusion and False, Evil is as Evil does, and accept there is an evil Narcissistic Vampire in our family, which for the majority is way too frightening for others to face. The second evil trick the Narcissistic Vampire does is to Divide and Conquer. Their Primary Target is the person who held up the mirror. These Evil Vampires turn into the Great Counterfeits turning on their charm and meeting the needs & desires (emotional &/or financial) in the family population to create an Illusion that is in direct contrast to the one in the mirror -- thus the mirror, or better yet the person holding up the mirror is broken.

The family population one by one start to second guess what they saw with their own eyes because surely The Great Counterfeit who has been there for them can not be this mean, thoughtless, heartless, evil person that has been reflected back to them. They suffer from a form of Cognitive Dissonance when their mind is forced to consider two conflicting pieces of information. (1) The Counterfeit is kind to them doing nice things for them, or at least not abusing them, so they think the Counterfeit must be a good person (2) the Counterfeit is abusing a loved one (us), so the Counterfeit must be a bad person. Which is it? Is the Counterfeit Good or Bad? It is the Enablers own internal Nism that keeps them connected to the Counterfeit. They think to themselves, if the Counterfeit is good to me, then s/he must be a good person (or at least partly good) and not toxic, pathological, or as bad as we say the Counterfeit is. Those who are not attacked think, since my perception is correct (the Counterfeit is a Good Person), yours must be wrong, thus you are the broken mirror, you are the problem and not the Counterfeit. There must be something wrong w/you that you don't see the Counterfeit the way I do. They will deny the Truth and replace it for excuses/lies and even have Selective Amnesia and rewrite history, so that they can not recall the abuse, or at least not to the extent that we do.

The Enablers are questioning and denying reality, which is a form of Gaslighting which makes you feel like you are confused & crazy for accurately remembering the situation moment by painful moment . Counterfeits are also very manipulative and use favoritism to confuse people, they are known to treat family members very different, thus creating very different perceptions of the Counterfeit's true identity. Once again the Enabler's own Nism kicks in and they blame the victim for the abuse s/he is enduring, that some how we are responsible or to blame on some level for the Differential Treatment from the Counterfeit. Enablers are usually not conscious of their Victim Blaming attitude (or they don't want to be) and will immediately deny it if you ever confront them with the possibility of it. The Counterfeits also play into the Enablers Nism by completing them at the same time devaluing us, "you are the kindest of all my children, most loving, you are the easiest to talk to, I wish your Sibs could accept me like you do, You are not judgmental (implying that we are), you are so forgiving (implying that we are not), you are such a Loving, Kind, and Good Person (implying that we are not) followed by a direct slam of the Target (us), thus bringing the Enabler to the Counterfeit's side, creating a separation between us and the Enabler and completing the Divide and Conquer".

The goal of the Counterfeit is for the Enablers to identify w/the Counterfeit against us. It is such a joke that the Momster actually thinks she is giving us a compliment when she says, "Don't tell the others, but out of my 3 children you are the one that is most like me." YIKES! The last time she told me this, I said I felt the Momster was more like the Med. level Nsis and that was before I had realized that Sis was a N -- looking back I guess I saw their connection to Nism and it explains why I always felt like A Stranger in a Strange Land. Never felt at home in my own home. More like an unwanted guest in someone else's home. Counterfeits do not like it when family members are getting along and there is peace for too long, because then we start to compare notes, the Counterfeit's cover is blown and their lies are exposed, so they constantly try to create chaos and conflict between & among family members. Get the puppets fighting among themselves, so they don't realize who is pulling our strings. When we hold the Counterfeit accountable for his/her abusive behavior people in the KoN have two ways of handling abuse, they either deny it by saying it didn't happen or justify it by Victim Blaming to one degree or another. Deniability resolves them of accountability. I use to think that the Momster just had a different reality than mine, but she has the same reality, she is just a liar, so that she has no responsibility for her actions. Counterfeits will tell you any lie you are willing to believe that will exonerate them of responsibility. The Momster knows that what she did and said was wrong and hurtful, but she just doesn't care and last year she finally admitted her true feelings or lack there of for me and any other Person in her KoN. This even shocked the Nsibs who are enabling her and tried giving her numerous chances to recount & regret what she said, but instead she said, "this is how I feel. I truly feel this way. I really do." I thought that this would wake them up to reality and it would if they were Normal, but they are not. They are also Ns and part of them identifies w/her instead of being repulsed by her. I did not understand that until I realized that they are Not Normal and are Ns, and now it makes sense that they will most likely never be repulsed by her because they identify with her. They get disappointed, but not appauled, repulsed, or disgusted. They will always enable her Nism because on some level it makes sense to them, the Nism is normal & acceptable and their pathology is what they have in common and keeps them connected to one another and is what kept me from relating to them & truly connecting w/them. It is really coming together for me right now at this very moment as I am typing this sentence.

An entire new level or layer of understanding in regards to the Narcissistic Family of Origin (NFOO). It is my Nsib's lower level of pathology that not only clouds, but completely destroys their judgement and perception of reality and what is normal & acceptable behavior and what is not. Nism is acceptable behavior to them, even though they can state that it is wrong, it is still acceptable because they can relate to it. Enablers never hold the Counterfeits/Abusers truly accountable, because they don't require the Abuser to change. They say they want the Counterfeits to change, but they never require them to change and instead make excuses for why the Counterfeit is not changing, thus enabling the abusive behavior to continue. And the Abusers/Counterfeits hold the Enablers in such high regard, because the Enablers don't require them to change and "they just accept me for who I am". The Counterfeit feeds into the Enablers own Nism by stating how much better they are than us because of their "accepting others as they are & don't judge them & require them to change"-- this was huge for the Momster & she made this statement any time I held her accountable for her hurtful behavior. She deflected her own responsibility for her hurtful behavior by saying that I am unforgiving, judgmental, not a good person & not a good Christian. She manipulates all involved and puts the focus on the Victim who identifies the abuse, instead of the Abuser who causes the abuse. Enablers accept (continue to have a relationship with) the Abuser/N because they accept Nism. Or is it the other way around? The Enablers accept the Nism, because they accept the Abuser/N (they identify w/the Super-Sized N because they are a lower level N). Birds of a N-feather, flock together.

The GasLighting Conformity among the Counterfeit and his/her Enablers and their Target (us) is so powerful that it can make you second guess yourself which creates an internal dilemma, you must either stand alone in the Truth and suffer the impending consequences of being the Counterfeit's Primary Target along with the alienation & substandard deferential treatment from the family (i.e., becoming the proverbial black sheep of the family), or join the denying, enabling cowards in the crowd/family. Yes, it is true, I have very little sympathy for Adult Enablers (see article, Enablers are Secondary Abusers). When you reach your own Proverbial Last Straw (see article w/the same name), a truth that is too painful to ignore, you will have the strength to resist the wave of Conformity & Denial. This is when you will take your first baby steps in leaving the KoN. Thus, the retaliation of isolation & alienation of the one holding the mirror, you, the primary Target, Enemy #1, begins. This is referred as the infamous Smear Campaign.

During the Smear Campaign, those who have left the Kingdom of Narcissism (KON) are accused of being self-righteous, judgmental, and having unrealistic expectations of others. My Nsibs stated that I have too high standards for the Momster. Well that is their viewpoint that keeps them enmeshed in the KON. Is it that my viewpoint was too high or their was too low? A message I had to say to myself over and over again was, It is not my job to explain the obvious. Other people who know just a little bit about the Momster's history totally get why I need and want to leave the KON. Those that remain in it just don't get it and never will, unless they experience a Truth Too Painful To Ignore -- unless the knife from the N is sharp enough and goes deep enough to wake them up from their Delusion.

Misery loves and needs company. Enablers need you to keep the Lie alive, by you leaving you causes them to look at their own life and they don't like what they see, so instead of doing the hard work and fixing it they blame you. According to the people living in the KoN you are a Broken Mirror that needs to be fixed not them. For more about just how one becomes a Broken Mirror in Family Units as well as Romantic Relationships, Marriage, etc, Click Here.

The primary/direct abuse from the Counterfeit, aka, Narcissistic Vampire is horrible enough by itself, but now your own family members will turn against you for just speaking the Truth. It makes no sense that you would be attacked for warning family & friends about danger, but then again nothing in the KoN ever makes sense where your family is your foe. Many of us are & have been tempted to put down the mirror, so as not to be alstrasized from the family. Yes, the Great Counterfeit/Narcissistic Vampire has won the first battle, but like all true evil people they are destined to lose the final war.

The Great Counterfeits begin their Smear Campaign, or better yet has their least favorite Golden Child do it for them, by trashing you in the eyes of other family members & friends. They strategically select their least favorite Golden Child because if the truth ever came out that the Great Counterfeit was behind it all s/he could use the least favorite as the scape goat/sacrificial lamb and deny the allegations completely by placing full blame on the least favorite Golden Child. If the Great Counterfeit is in jeopardy of exposing his/her true identity, Narcissistic Vampire, s/he will risk losing the relationship of the least Golden Child to cover up the Great Counterfeit's hidden agenda which is ultimately to protect his/her true identity, the Narcissistic Vampire. Remember people have no real value to Narcissistic Vampires other than to be used to support their evil agendas. People are replaceable. To the Great Counterfeits/Narcissistic Vampires loosing one of their enabling supporters is just a causality of war. The Great Counterfeits/Narcissistic Vampires think so highly of themselves that they can manipulate, persuade, and convince the least favorite Golden Child, the person that they just used to do the Counterfeit's dirty work, that "it was just one big misunderstanding."

There is a reason for The Great Counterfeits/Narcissistic Vampires extreme confidence in their devious persuasive ability--it works! And each time it works The Great Counterfeits/Narcissistic Vampires get that more confident, because their false Illusions get that much stronger. The Illusion becomes so strong over the years that people can not see through it. It becomes almost unbreakable. The sad truth is that some people can not or will not see through this seemingly unpenetrable illusion that they never leave the KoN. The only thing I can think of that is worse than looking back realizing how many years you wasted in the KoN is being the last remaining Enabler. After the Great Counterfeit/Narcissistic Vampire has died and gone to Hell, the remaining enabling spouse is left in the KoN all alone wondering where everyone went? Why am I all alone? Don't fall for that trick! Let them reap what they sowed. The thing that is worse than spending so many wasted years in the KoN is dying in the KoN. The truth will eventually come out and even though our enabling family & friends refused to accept the truth about the Great Counterfeit/Narcissistic Vampire while they were here on Earth they will have to deal with it for eternity. Being a Fool for Eternity trumps being a Fool for a few years, or even a few decades here on Earth!

For those of us who refuse to deny the Truth of what we have seen & experienced with are own eyes, How do we fight this Great Counterfeit who has convinced everyone that s/he is not an evil Narcissistic Vampire? The best way to fight them and reveal their true identity to others is to call their bluff. The Great Counterfeits are counting/depending/relying on our Fear of Alienation from the family. As long as we continue as "things as normal" and "be the better person" and stay in the KoN we provide the Great Counterfeit a personal target. As long as we are present the Great Counterfeit can claim, "see I'm not the mean, toxic, abusive, bad person who she says I am because. . . "

(I am still married to her, we have contact with one another, she sent me this great Mother's/Father's Day Card, I attended her birthday, wedding, or any other important family event where the Great Counterfeit can suck their narcissistic supply from all of this supports the Counterfeits Illusion of being a Good Person). In other words, If the Counterfeits/Narcissistic Vampire are so bad, then why are we still in contact with them? Why do we interact with them? Why do we have a relationship w/someone that is suppose to be so terrible? If they are so horrible, why are they still involved in our lives? Counterfeits have a great ability to call us out on our humanity and use it against us at the same time. We become a walking contradiction & dare I say a hypocrite in the eyes of others, not to mention creating internal conflict for ourselves by implementing self-doubt. We must own up to our own past enabling behavior in regards to the Counterfeit. There is no shame in admitting that we were once N-chanted by the Counterfeit's elaborate Illusion like the rest of the family. We were deceived before, but now that we know the Counterfeit's true identity we must accept reality. By accepting Reality and the Truth about the Counterfeit, we then must make some very hard decisions about not having any more contact with the Counterfeit. It doesn't mean that you have to end contact w/the Enablers. Depending upon whether or not the Enablers are Normal People or lover level Ns you leaving the KoN can have a Life Changing Effect on them. The Counterfeit must be "that Bad" if you are leaving the KoN and ending your relationship with the Counterfeit until s/he has received Professional Help, is completely accountable for the pain s/he has caused you and has Truly Changed. If the Counterfeit is a high level N, then True Change is not possible, and lower level Ns can only manage their Narcisstisic Tendencies. Once that mask of the Counterfeit has been removed so has the deception, where the only thing left now is Truth or Denial. Enablers choose Denial and that is why they can continue to live in the Counterfeit's KoN.

When Counterfeits use us as their personal target practice in front of others it turns other family members & friends into cowering enablers who's self-protection counteracts & overpowers their need to protect the abused family member/friend. They think to themselves, if I stand up for the Truth, for the one holding up the mirror, then I too will suffer the same attacks. If these Enablers are in any way dependent on the Great Counterfeit either now, or for the future, they will remain silent. The Counterfeits know the Enablers weakness and can buy the Enabler's loyality through one way or another. The Enabler might privately come to you offering sympathy for the "harsh treatment" the Counterfeit has done to you, but they rarely side with you against the Counterfeit, especially out in public where there are other witnesses, and they will not go directly to the Counterfeit on your behalf, and it is extremely rare that they will go with you & support you while you confront the Counterfeit. When they go as support it usually back fires against you, because they down play the Counterfeit's attacks & hurtful behavior. Where the Counterfeit is concerned, Enablers are all talk and no action. The only way to expose the Great Counterfeit for the Narcissistic Vampire s/he truly is will be to refuse to be a target and go totally No Contact (NC). By going NC you first and foremost protect you & your own family from abuse, and secondly remove the personal target, so the Narcissistic Vampire must find a new target to get his/her narcissistic supply from.

If the Great Counterfeit is your supervisor and you have gone to HR (human resources), or whatever your company's policies are to resolve "issues" and nothing has been resolved, regardless of all the very detailed documented incidents of attacks of sabotage (date, time, place what happened) you presented that will ultimately harm the Company's Moral and Productivity, not to mention make them Libel for allowing a Hostile Environment to continue, and the Great Counterfeit/Narcissistic Vampire still continues his/her attacks, and you repeatedly go back to inform HR that the attacks of sabotage has not stopped, and once again nothing changes, then your last effort is to inform them that if they don't take appropriate actions, get rid of the Great Counterfeit, then you have a couple of choices. First to seek Legal Actions against all involved who are allowing a very hostile work environment to continue. Be prepared for the fight of your life. You must have your documents in order, names/titles, dates, times, witness, everything you can think of to build & prove your case. Prepare for the Company to side with the Great Counterfeit, transfer you to another department, or fire you or "down size" and your position is eliminated due to "budget cuts". If you are open to a transfer to another department/branch/store, then you might make that suggestion to HR during your First report of attacks from the Great Counterfeit. As long as the Great Counterfeit has direct or even indirect control over your position your job is in jeopardy. Even though the Counterfeit may no longer be your immediate supervisor, s/he can & will still sabotage you through the Smear Campaign to whomever will listen, new supervisor, company owner, other co-workers, etc. As long as there is a Great Counterfeit/Narcissistic Vampire in your mists you will never be safe or happy. You can hang in there and eventually one by one others will discover the true identity of the Great Counterfeit -- sometimes that works, but usually it doesn't. If you want to take a gamble with your career and happiness good luck with that! The other choice you have, like in the Family situation is to quit.

When new targets are identified and attacked, they will quickly remember what they saw when you held up the mirror. In fact, expect the call from them asking you to validate & confirm that the "second target" is not crazy by misinterpreting what they experienced. The second target may or may not go NC right away. It may take several more attacks from the Counterfeit to fully expose him/her for the evil Narcissistic Vampire s/he is. Since I was the first target to leave and it was after 40 years, then came my Aunt (Counterfeit Mom's second oldest friend of over 30 years), then Counterfeit Mom's longest friend of over 40 years. Were we the very first to see Counterfeit Mom's true evil Narcissistic Vampire nature -- no. Before we left, there was my maternal grandmother & aunt who "never seemed to get along" and I believe is on a NC status (at least my Aunt is while my grandmother is on extremely low almost NC). There are other relatives on Counterfeit Mom's side of the family that she "for some reason lost contact with". There are relatives from my Counterfeit Dad's side of the family that are in a NC status with her (yet, when I see them, they ask about her and tell me to send their love -- go figure -- until I told them about my NC status & they said they understood because "she was always so hard to get along with"). There were other long-term friends who one-by-one "took off for no reason" according to the Counterfeit Mom. From last I heard, Counterfeit Mom has ran out of friends and before her longest-known friends left she looked up an old colleague that she once worked with (hadn't talked to her for years), because she needed a place to stay & get her narcissistic supply from by playing the victim, which she does oh so well to the uninformed & unexperienced.

These Counterfeits are very smart and plan ahead. They know that other relationships are in trouble and instead of taking the time and doing the work to fix them (accept responsibility & take accountability for their part) they replace, substitute and move on. I have told my siblings that since I have decided to escape the KoN, I do not want to talk about Counterfeit Mom and I do not want her to know anything about my Life either. In fact the next time she hurts you I will be sorry for your pain, but unless you are ready to leave the KoN in which we were born into and escape the clutches of the evil Narcissistic Vampire I can not help you. I have given my siblings the tools to break the illusion of the Counterfeit Mom which is to stop making excuses for her evil behavior "her metal illness made her do it & her bad upbringing made her do it" and accept the painful truth that Evil is as Evil does.

It is our choice each day to love or to hurt. It is our Free Will. Nobody & no thing forces us to behave a certain way. Did you know these Counterfeits actually have the ability to control their evil behavior? Ever have the Counterfeit immediately stop raging to answer the phone, or door, or distract them by changing the subject and boast their Ego and the rage turns off like a switch. Maybe the Counterfeit wasn't raging against you, but s/he was cunningly verbally/emotionally abusing you with condescending slams and these stop immediately & instantaneously as soon as a new uninformed/unexperienced witness enters the room in which the Counterfeit's true identity has never been exposed to and at best is only a "rumor" from you. In fact, not only do these attacks stop instantaneously, the Counterfeit puts on his/her famous act of the "perfect" loving spouse/parent/family member/friend/co-worker/etc. On the other hand, the witness could be an enabling family member, co-worker, or friend who has "no clue" or slightly suspects the Counterfeit's true nature and identity, but is afraid to face the Truth that they not only do abusive evil things -- they are actually abusive & evil.

Don't worry that friends & family members do not believe the evil Narcissistic Vampires transformation back into the Great Counterfeit--you know it happens and that is all that matters. You are Not imagining things. We who have held up the mirror have witnessed the same thing. You are not alone. Just have patience and the Truth will eventually come out. The older the evil Narcissistic Vampires get the heavier the Mask of Deception is for them to carry and the mask will eventually drop. One by one, family members and friends will "discover" or realize the truth--at least that is what I am praying for! The only thing that matters now is that you protect yourself and your own Family of Creation/Choice by leaving the KoN.

Don't worry about those left behind. It is not your responsibility to save them, if they are adults. It is different if those left behind are Children. With adult Enablers you did not leave them behind -- they choose/chose to stay. The same Truth that set you free is there for them too, if they want to accept it. In fact it is much easier for those that follow your escape, because the trail has been blazed & they have a support system on the other side which You started. The reason why they stay is because there is some sort of pay-off either financially or emotionally or both. Perhaps, by you leaving there is a family dynamic change in where one sibling/family member was a target, along with you, and is now the desired Golden Child. I know this is one of the reasons one of my sibling stays, because from time to time the Counterfeit has come to his/her rescue. Another reason my siblings stay is, like with all abused children, the KoN has been their Normal, and they know no better. They don't know that a whole New World awaits them just beyond their Horizon.

They have only heard rumors of this Land of Love (LOL) but for some reason are afraid to leave what they know and adventure out into the great unknown. Perhaps they believe the Lie from Hell, that what they will find out of side of the KoN will be worse than what they leave behind, or the lie that a bad parent/grand parent/spouse/friend/etc. is better than none at all. In my Family of Origin (FOO) all these excuses are exacerbated by the fact that our Counterfeit Dad's true identity of preying on children was exposed, so we are all in NC with him which leaves us with only one Counterfeit Parent. To give up the remaining last Counterfeit Parent would make us orphans. Yes, this Truth is very painful, but it is survivable. I know that with God all things are possible and He has pulled me out of a pit of extreme depression more than once. I also believe that the love and power of God can replace Counterfeit Parents/Spouses/Siblings/Friends/Co-workers with truly Loving People who really have your best interest at heart.

Although we want the best for our families and desire to help them clean up the toxic mess, they don't see it that way. When you shatter the Illusion you expose their nakedness and they much rather be Clothed in Delusion. For more information on that, check out The Alluring Dress of Denial. And another one you might find informative is Desparately Dancing with the Disorder.

When dealing w/Enablers, keep your statements to them very simple: It is your choice to stay, because you believe that is the best for you and your family, just as it is my choice to leave and that is best for me and my family. I will not judge your decision to stay and you don't judge mine to leave.

From dictionary.com

coun·ter·feit

   [koun-ter-fit]

–adjective

1.

made in imitation so as to be passed off fraudulently or deceptively as genuine; not genuine; forged: counterfeit dollar bills.

2.

pretended; unreal: counterfeit grief.

–noun

3.

an imitation intended to be passed off fraudulently or deceptively as genuine; forgery.

4.

Archaic. a copy.

5.

Archaic. a close likeness; portrait.

6.

Obsolete. impostor; pretender.

–verb (used with object)

7.

to make a counterfeit of; imitate fraudulently; forge.

8.

to resemble.

9.

to simulate.

–verb (used without object)

10.

to make counterfeits, as of money.

11.

to feign; dissemble.

—Synonyms

1. spurious, bogus. See false. 2. sham, feigned, simulated, fraudulent; mock, fake, ersatz. 3. falsification, sham. 7. copy; falsify.

May the Lord bless you were ever you are at on your Life Journey.

There comes a time in our Healing Journey to Move On from the Pain of the Past. Moving On is a Process too that begins with little steps or small movements from a Crawl to a Walk to a Run. We will all reach this point in our own time in our own way. For me it is about having a Future that is Larger, Greater, and more Powerful than the Past. It is about having a Vision, a Mission, and a Dream much Much MUCH Bigger than myself. Here is my Small Movement focusing on Restoring Hope by Giving Dreams Wings,

 Click Here.

If this chapter in my Life has made a positive impact or the Story of Self-Care is like Riding a Bike has blessed you, or any other chapters in the Journey of Letting Go has made a positive difference and you would like to also Share It Forward and Help bring Hope any donation will help to change one Life at a time. No donation is too small, and every bit helps. And the Lord will say to us, Thank You for giving me Hope and we will say to Him, Lord when were you without Hope? And the Lord will say when you restored hope by Giving Dreams Wings what you did for them, you did for Me. Thank You & GOD bless your Compassionate Heart, Generous Soul, and Loving Spirit.

(you can donate at the top of the blog in the upper right hand corner)

Our Dream List includes raising funds for a Giving Dreams Wings website to better promote our Programs, Find Sponsors & Partners, and Share how Restoring Hope is Transforming Lives, which is the Vision & Mission of Giving Dreams Wings.

Please pray for  Giving Dreams Wings and [SHARE] our Facebook page with your Friends & Family and encourage them to do the same, and we can all help Restore Hope by Giving Dreams Wings.

When you crawl

Fear not the change of going NC, with God all things are possible, and if I can do it, so can you. If He held my hand He will hold yours too. You don't have to be a card carrying Super Christian with perfect church attendance for Him to help you, you don't have to belong to a specific religion, you don't have to come from a perfect family background, you don't have to be as innocent & pure as the day you were born or of a certain sexual orientation, or any other lie people try to tell you or the devil whispers in your ear. We can hit our very rock bottom and sink so low according to society's standards, but there is no depth too deep for Jesus. Even if you feel like you have sold your very soul Jesus will buy it back and make things new again. The very second you turn to Him, you wont have to wait a second for Him to arrive. You will notice He has been there the entire time waiting for you. Those dark days when you are crawling, know that He is there crawling with you. When He reaches out His hand, all you have to do is grab it and if you are too weak to reach for Him, if you allow Him, He will carry you through. There is saftey in the Saviors loving arms. And if you have to crawl, He will crawl too!

Surviving the Truth

Last year I was at a crossroad in my life. I could either go on like I did my first 40 years and make excuses for the toxic, abusive narcissistic person in my life, or . . . 


I could face the truth that this person is primarily abusive, love is the opposite of evil, abuse is evil, love is not abusive, you don't abuse the ones you love, therefore this person does not love me and since abuse is evil, and this person is abusive, thus this person is evil. 


Once you accept one truth it leads you to another and another until the illusion of the person who you thought you knew is finally and fully exposed and you realize & accept that they are not only a Great Counterfeit, but their true identity is evil. 


My Counterfeit Mom, aka the momster, continues to have no remorse for her wicked words and evil behavior proving that she has no conscious. Those that have no conscious are evil reprobates that continue to hurt the ones they should love, because they take no responsibility for what they do to others. Evil reprobates view people (family & friends) as mere objects that they can manipulate, control, and abuse to their satisfaction instead of individuals who should be valued, treasured, and loved. Evil reprobates view people as replaceable items such as tires on a car that once served their purpose can be thrown away without a second thought, exchangeable items like shoes, clothes, or a purse that can be replaced by another whenever it suits them, disposable items, like toilet paper -- and we all know what we use toilet paper for! Yuck!

Standing at the Crossroad. There are two roads before me diverging in opposite directions. The familiar one that behind me shows abuse in my past, beside me shows abuse in my present, and down the road leads me to more abuse waiting to attack me.

or. . . 

There is the unfamiliar road that offers Freedom from abuse and a Journey to Healing. This road I hear provides an Escape from the Kingdom of Narcissism (aka the KON) & the reoccurring abuse to a Whole New World of Understanding, Validation & Love. Is it possible to take a different path? Should I take this different path?

When I desperately prayed, God show me the true identity of this toxic person. Is there any redeeming quality of love lying deep down inside her, or is this person really that mean, wicked, and evil? God allowed the last scales of denial to fall from my eyes, and for the first time in my life see this person for the truly cold & calloused hearted, no conscious, no remorse, unchanging/non-repenting evil person she really is. 


Her spell has been broken, no more illusions or delusions. Yes, that truth was scary, very scary, but the Holy Spirit was there to comfort me through this new revelation. It is frightening that the person who gave birth to you is truly evil and feels good when you feel horrible. She feels her best when you are at your worst. That way she can fly in and save the day -- watch out for the fangs, because her help comes with a price! 


Your gratitude will never be enough and she will remind you of all she has done for you when she is in need of a narcissistic fix from you. Narcissistic vampires pretend to be heros, but they are not in it for your good, but their own ego boosting & future leverage, which makes them a fraud and Counterfeit. Oh they may appear to do something good, but it is for the wrong reasons, a hidden agenda. 


They are incapable of keeping your private affairs private, and will brag how they rescued you from "certain despair" to anyone who will listen. This also serves a future purpose for when you explain how the Counterfeit has hurt you, their denial and lies will be believed over your truths, until they hurt that person too, then all of a sudden what you said makes sense to others, that the Counterfeit is not who they appear to be.

After going No Contact (NC) with the "Counterfeit Mother" it was confirmed to me that the person who gave birth to me was no Mother, but a mere egg donor, for the only response she gave to others about me going NC with her was, "then to hell with her!"--and she sincerely means it. Oh this was not the first time she doomed/cursed me to hell.


It took my husband and me 12 years to conceive and bring our beautiful daughter into this world. Along the way we suffered many loses. You would think that during this very painful time in my life my mom would do anything she could to be supportive, well a loving mom would, and she is not that! 


Due to our turbulent, dysfunctional relationship I was under strict doctor's orders to avoid all stress, which meant I had to go on a temporary no contact status with Counterfeit Mom. When I did not ask about how she was doing after talking to my Aunt (because as you know with toxic narcissistic people it is not how we are doing, but all about them), she replied, "well to hell with her!" and she said that to other family members as well. 


When family members would reply to her oh you don't really mean that, giving her lost of opportunities to regret what she said, instead she would remorselessly callously reply "Sorry, but that's just how I feel!" Astonished, shocked, and perplexed they would once again ask her, Do you really mean what you said, about wishing your daughter to go to hell? and Proudly, and heartlessly she would reply "yes, yes I do." 


One morning, towards the end of my 1st trimester, I woke up to a huge puddle of blood. I was having a miscarriage. Was her curse coming true? Good thing God has the first and last word on everything, and even though I lost 1/2 the blood & part of the embryonic sack game loose, God made a miracle and protected our daughter. He sowed her back in so good that later the doc's couldn't even find where the original separation occurred. 


Our God is truly Amazing! With God all things are possible, and what the devil (and his daughter "the Counterfeit Mom") meant for harm, God will do for our blessing & His glory. 


I can only imagine the response the devil's daughter had when the news got back to her that I almost lost my daughter. You would think the rude awakening that her curse tried to steal & kill my daughter would motivate her to be remorseful and change from her evil ways, you would think that, but once again you would be wrong. 


She most likely responded as she always does when one of her children experience something bad during a No Contact time with her, "deserves her right. She reaps what she sows. What goes around comes around. She deserves what she gets" She has made these same exact evil remarks to me about my siblings during their trials. 


Even after all this we still let her meet our daughter, and a year later let her stay with us for a couple of days until, The Proverbial Last Straw. There are countless accounts of the "Counterfeit Mom" covert & overt attacks to hurt her adult children, as well has the horrific physical, psychological, and spiritual abuse we had to endure in our childhood that created very deep soul wounds, that she has not one bit remorse for -- hard to imagine momster like that, I know. It is not just in horror movies, it is real life.


The "Counterfeit Mom"/devil's daughter is truly in all sense of the word is evil and does not love me because evil is incapable of love. Evil is as Evil does. The truth nearly killed me.

How many of the following characteristics describe the toxic, abusive, person in your life--or the person who was in your life exhibit?

Evil as defined by dictionary.com

E.vil

–adjective

1.

morally wrong or bad; immoral; wicked: evil deeds; an evil life.

2.

harmful; injurious: evil laws.

3.

characterized or accompanied by misfortune or suffering; unfortunate; disastrous: to be fallen on evil days.

4.

due to actual or imputed bad conduct or character: an evil reputation.

5.

marked by anger, irritability, irascibility, etc.: He is known for his evil disposition.

–noun

6.

that which is evil; evil quality, intention, or conduct: to choose the lesser of two evils.

7.

the force in nature that governs and gives rise to wickedness and sin.

8.

the wicked or immoral part of someone or something: The evil in his nature has destroyed the good.

9.

harm; mischief; misfortune: to wish one evil.

10.

anything causing injury or harm: Tobacco is considered by some to be an evil.

11.

a harmful aspect, effect, or consequence: the evils of alcohol.

12.

a disease, as king's evil.

–adverb

13.

in an evil manner; badly; ill: It went evil with him.

—Idiom

14.

the evil one, the devil; Satan.

Origin:
bef. 900; ME evel, evil, OE yfel; c. Goth ubils, OHG ubil, G übel,OFris, MD evel

—Synonyms
1. sinful, iniquitous, depraved, vicious, corrupt, base, vile, nefarious. See bad¹. 2. pernicious, destructive. 6. wickedness, depravity, iniquity, unrighteousness, corruption, baseness. 9.disaster, calamity, woe, misery, suffering, sorrow.

—Antonyms
1. righteous.

Evil is an accurate term to use to describe toxic & abusive people. It is not an over statement. I hope & pray the world would accept it and use it more often. For many years my siblings & I joked around and said the Counterfeit Mom was evil & was the devil's daughter, but we didn't fully mean it because to accept that to be a truth is something we were afraid to face, however, fear not!

Knowing that your Counterfeit Mom/egg donor is evil will literally scare the hell out of you. Thank you God for holding my hand and walking me through this very painful, scary & healing revelation. Thank you for Your perfect timing of sending me an awesome husband, child, and friends to focus on and count my blessing while I burry the dead dreams of having a mother (even in the smallest sense of the word). Yes, folks it was my choice to leave an evil Counterfeit Father & Mother, but I still feel like that I have been orphaned by evil. Now I have no parents what-so-ever (except Father God), and even at the age of 40+ it is hard to bare that I have been orphaned by evil. However, God got me through it and He will get you through it too! Here is a great song that describes what I have been going through -- maybe some of you can relate?

Clay Aiken - I Survived You

God bless Clay Aiken!

What are your favorite songs that inspire you to go NC or inspire you to maintain NC?

Enablers are Secondary Abusers

(Disclaimer, people who choose to stay married to or live with the Nspouse in order to protect their children from the alternative shared custody situation where their abusive Nspouse would do more damage if left alone w/the child does NOT apply to this article. My friends have enlightened me that there are situations where it is better to stay w/a toxic person IF the children would be harmed if left alone w/their abusive parent, and the children do not have the legal power to refuse visitation w/their abusive parent. If a person lives where there is forced visitation, I can understand why a loving & protecting parent would remain w/the abusive one until s/he had legal power to protect her/his child/ren. These are not enabling situations -- they are survival situations)

There are two types of People in the KoN, the Damaged and the Disordered. The Primary Abuser, the Overt N is obviously Toxic, Disordered, Pathological, and a Sociopath. It is not hard to identify his/her behavior & nature as harmful to others. However the rest in the KoN are not so easily identified. In the past Enablers have been classified fellow victims and helpless to end the Primary Abuser's/Overt N's Reign of Abuse. Are they really as helpless as they want us to believe? Or . . .

Is their perceived helplessness yet another Grand Illusion in the KoN? Just like the Primary Abuser, aka Overt & Obvious N, Are Enablers not who they appear to be?

The Overt N rules at the center of the KoN making or forcing everything and everyone to revolve around him/her, but does this person rule alone or is there a covert helper?

In this New Year, 2010, we can either go forward as we always do or we can take a hard healthy self-inventory and allow the Holy Spirit to convict us on things that we need to do differently in life. We can either make changes or we can continue to make excuses for the bad choices we make and the terrible choices others make. My new motto for this year, along with the Toxic Free Zone, is Make a Change, not an excuse!

So how does this relate to Toxic Relationships? In my life sooooooo much time was wasted on the Primary Abusers and dealing with the Toxic Mess they left behind. Part of dealing with the toxic clean up is quickly realizing who is with you and who is against you in the clean up process. Do other family & friends involved want to truly clean up the Toxic Mess and prevent future dumps & contamination by dealing directly with the Toxic Person who caused all the Carcinogenic Chaos, Detrimental Dysfunction, and Devastation, or do they really just want to cover it up by making excuses or Victim Blaming with Guilt Tripping Tactics of Forgive & Forget and Be the Better Person?

Is their idea of dealing with the overt N, aka Primary Abuser, and cleaning up the Toxic Mess, fixing the problem result in Whitewashing it all away? Nothing more than Excuses for the Abuses. Have you heard of Whitewashing?

For a great explanation of Whitewashing by the Enablers, aka Secondary Abusers or Silent Partners, click here.

In my family of origin, I was born into the position of Official Toxic Cleaner-Upper, or better yet, Official Toxic Waste Management (since nothing was ever completely cleaned-up nor cleared-up until I went No Contact [NC]). My younger siblings quickly learned how to fill my position when I was unable or no longer willing to perform this duty. As long as I offered "a shoulder to cry on," or perceived sympathetic ear the Toxic Person who I use to refer to as "mom" would seek out a relationship with me. However, when I started asking her to be accountable for the choices she made and the damage she caused to others she quickly found others who she could get her Narcissistic Supply of Sympathy from by portraying herself as the Martyr or Victim. She figured out real quick that if she had a "need to complain" and "express her feelings" about others to me (i.e., trash talk, put down others, aka Smear Campaign), then I mistakenly thought at least while she was talking with me, she would have to own up to the role she played in a given relationship or situation that "all of a sudden went wrong" according to her. Of course her favorite thing to do to avoid accountability is to have Selective Amnesia. The few times she actually admitted that her choice was wrong was instantaneously followed by a huge BUT . . . which was a List of Excuses in which I was to select one in order to justify her bad choice, and thus proving to me and everyone else involved that the other Person was wrong, and that she was blameless for her abusive behavior which she "couldn't help doing & had no other choice", thus she could not be held responsible for hurting others. She always had a "reason" to explain why she chose to do or say something that she knew would hurt someone so as to excuse & nullify her abusive behavior, and appear to the untrained/unexperienced eye that she "had no other choice to make", and that she could play the poor victim when people held her accountable for her mean calculated statements & behavior.

I would be lying if I said I never enabled her toxic abusive narcissistic behavior. As a child it was my Coping Mechanism to make excuses for an evil mother, "not herself today", "didn't really mean it", "doesn't know how to love because she wasn't loved (her Mother being abusive towards her has never been proven, quite the opposite in fact)". All this was done in order to avoid the very painful Truth rather than to admit, accept, and deal with the fact that the woman who gave me birth actually finds pleasure in her Children's pain. Children's enabling behaviors are understandable, because in Toxic Abusive Families they are powerless to require a change from the Abusers and Adult Enablers, for if the Child insisted that the Primary & Secondary Abusers change it would just expose them to further Abuse. I wish I could say that my enabling days ended with my childhood, but they didn't. They continued, although very infrequent, until about my junior year in College. Before I could be completely set free & healed from the abusive relationship I was born into I had to do some hard, tough, painful cleansing work on the role I played as the Enabler.

It is one thing to be born & raised in the N's KoN where being an Enabler is a way of Life, because we simply do not know any other way to live and the bottom line is that most People can not admit to themselves that the Person they love is truly Evil, therefore we make Excuses for the Abuses rather than realizing & admitting the Abuser has a choice and chooses to harm others. When Abusers attack their abuse is Victim Specific meaning they have complete control and awareness of what they are doing because they only chose to attack certain individuals. For more detail about how the Abusers know that they are doing is wrong, and are completely aware of what they are doing and have complete control over choosing to abuse click here.

I am so sickened by the News continuely reporting on how yet another child is murdered, because the adults in his/her life enabled the murder by making excuses for his/her abusive, evil behavior until it was too late and another precious life is viciously taken away. While physical abuse destroys the body the verbal and emotional abuse destroys the soul. The attacks from an evil person can be just as Destructful & Devastating when her weapon of choice is not her fists, but her Serpent tongue. The Holy Handbook says that we hold the power of life and death with our tongue. We can either create or destroy by just opening our mouths. The constant verbal & emotional abuse people suffer as Children can leave their souls so slaughtered that they don't know their own self-worth. They don't know that their own life has value and purpose. They become the walking dead who make terrible choices because they don't value themselves, since no one else ever did. Their bodies may be alive on the outside, but inside their Joy, Hope, and Spirit is gone.

Just a thought . . . If only one Adult Enabler (aka Silent Partner or Secondary Abuser) stands up for the abused, stops being a coward and starts being a Hero and says No More, the abuse stops now, then these tragedies could & can be prevented.

Buckle-up baby! Put on your spiritual seat belt, because this is going to be a tough ride--for some people! The following is not meant to hurt, but to heal, even though it may be hard for some to hear. While Enablers are not the Primary Abusers they are the cowards who stand by and watch their child, their sibling, their family member, or friend be abused. A question I would like to pose to the Enablers is one that Dr. Phil made famous which is, “How is that working for you?” What is your pay off? What are you gaining from a situation where your loved one, especially your child is being horribly abused? Yes, I have heard it all before, the popular “Self-Protection Excuse”. The Self-Protection Excuse is like a coupon – you can only redeem it one time. Further uses make it invalid. By simply identifying the abused wife as only a "victim" renders her blameless, helpless, and powerless to change her situation. She must take some responsibility for the life-threatening situation she finds herself & her Children in.

To put the responsibility solely on the Primary Abuser and to expect him to willingly give up his position of power & abusive behavior is naive to say the least. It is like telling the salve master to give up his slaves and set them free--not going to happen without a fight! In the case where the Primary Abuser is the husband of the Enabling Wife, she must make a well thought-out Escape Plan, so that she and her children can leave their abuser when he is gone (i.e., at work, on a trip, etc.,) and not at home as it would put their very lives in danger. The excuse that I am staying for the “Children’s sake” is a lie she tells herself and her children. It is a lie because if she really wanted what is best for her children she would keep them safe and have them in a Loving Safe Environment. Ouch, yes sometimes the Truth can hurt, but it will always set you Free! The fact that this Enabling Wife has been abused by her husband and brainwashed to think that she and her children deserve no better is a Lie from Hell. Does she really want the Children to grow up thinking that abuse towards them and their Mom is normal and is what they should expect & accept in life now and when they are adults? Does she really want her children to marry someone like her abusive spouse -- or someone much worse? When they grown up what kind of Life will her Children lead? Are her Children going to be the Monster or the Victim in this Legacy of Abuse -- What is she raising them to be by staying and enabling the abuse to continue? I know change is scary, but so is staying w/an Abuser. Women who realize their Self-Worth and the Worth of their Children leave the abusers as soon as they can when it is safe and never look back.

Where There is True Love There is No Abuse and Where There is Abuse There is No True Love.

How about the situation where the Primary Abuser is the wife/mother and the husband/father is perceived as "too kind, gentle, weak, etc." to stand up to her Narcissistic Evil Attacks. Back to my original question, What is the Enabler gaining from a situation where your child or loved one is being horribly abused? They are getting the pay off of being the Golden Child that they never were in their Family of Origin (FOO), or they are simply a Narcissist him/herself. They may not be at the same level as the Primary Abuser, overt & obvious N, but they are a lower level covert N. They don’t want to be rejected by the Primary Abuser and lose their "perceived" Favored Position, not even for their own Children. They prefer and chose to reject their own Children rather than have the Primary Abuser, Overt & Obvious N reject them. They justify it in their own minds as Self-Protection or Protecting the Children from the Primary Abusers potential escalated attacks & harm which is understandable and acceptable for a given situation, but not a Life Time. Over a Life time, over years it is no longer about Self-Protection, but rather Self-Interest. When does the Excuses for the Abuses Stop? When will the Enabler, Silent Partner, Covert N take a stand? These cowards want to say they don't want to take sides, that they love us both. They want to stay neutral. But you can not be Neutral when Evil Beings are involved.

"Take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the oppressed. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented"......Elie Weisel

Enablers, Silent Partners, Covert Ns do not deserve our sympathy and support, as it is the popular thing to do in our backwards-crazy culture these days (where right is wrong and wrong is right). We should instead hold them accountable for their “Lack of Action”. Standing by while others are being abused is still a Conscious Choice to do Nothing. Simply put, it says I care more about my perceived position then your happiness and safety. Enablers are Cowards because they refuse to confront the Abusers and hold them accountable for their actions, and by passively standing by and doing Nothing the Silent Partners are actively (via COVERTLY) causing harm. Their harmful ways are actually more deceptive than the Primary Overt Ns abuse because it is not obvious, not easy to detect or identify, yet still just has harmful or even MORE harmful because the Covert N's abuse goes undetected for so long.

The Covert Ns fear that if they hold a mirror up to the Primary Abusers, then the Overt & Obvious N will turn on them and their ultimate fear will be realized that the Abuser (Overt N) doesn’t really care about them either and will reject them too. The person being targeted by the abuse does not put the Enabler in the position of choosing her over the Primary Abuser, at least not initially. She just wants the Enabler to call a Wrong a Wrong and take the correct actions and validate her and keep her safe from further attacks. The Enabler can still have a relationship with the Primary Abuser if she wants to outside of the one she has with the targeted Scapegoat. The Enabler can do this out in the open and not in secret, because she is doing not a thing wrong by continuing to have a relationship with her/his child, sibling, family member, or friend-whatever the case may be. We must ask ourselves why the Enabler continues to have a Relationship with a Person (the Primary Overt N) who enjoys hurting others? I could not stand to be with a Person who enjoys and continues to hurt others. My DH has said as much as he loves me he would not stand to let me hurt our DD in any way. He would take her and leave and he would expect me to do the same if he was the abuser.

As the scapegoat you must escape the world where you are/were not valued and stand up for your self-worth and tell the enabling secondary abuser/s to "either stand with you or stand against you." This is a test of true love, for those who truly love you will stand with you to see that the abuse ends, and those who refuse to be with you are cowardly saying that you are not worth fighting for and they are too worried about what they will lose, so they choose the abuser over you by doing nothing, and "not wanting to get in the middle of it". The only way I got my egg donor to stop degrading my siblings in my presence was to confront her and tell her that when she trashes my siblings it hurts me, because they are my siblings and I love them. Unless it is a praise report I don't want to hear it. No Negativity. If she said something mean or negative about a sibling, family member, or friend, then she would be asked to leave. She did and she was asked to leave-several times. Because she refuses to change her toxic behavior she is no longer in our lives. Where there is abuse, there is no middle ground. There is no in between that is a lie from hell. Like God says, You are either with me or against me. Let them choose and then give them the proper consequence. If they choose the abuser over you, they are telling you that you do not matter to them what-so-ever. Ouch, but true. The secondary abuser, like the primary abuser does not deserve to be in your life either and all that is said about the primary abuser can be equally said about them too, there is no difference between them and we need to accept that fact. It is so very hard and will make you feel like you are completely alone, but then again your spirit was constantly telling you that you will stand alone in regards to the Primary & Secondary abusers in the Land of Abuse. At least where your abusers are concerned this is really nothing new and was something you always knew deep down. The only thing that is new is that you now have to accept the painful truth. In reality you are never alone. God is always with you and He will bring loving people into your life to fill the void of the abusers, if you let Him. He makes families out of abandoned orphans. I know this for a fact, because He is doing it for me. Our God does not play favorites, what He does for one child He will do for another. We just have to be willing to let Him do it His way and in His time. What the enemy meant for bad and for our destruction, God will use for good and for our blessing.

When God brings truly loving people into our life who have our best interest at heart the peace, validation, encouragement, love and joy we receive from them in such a very short time is insurmountable compared to what we have received from our primary and secondary abusers our entire life. It is so amazing how people who were once complete strangers to you can make you feel like you are finally home with those who truly love you. Let toxic abuse be apart of your past. God has an abundant life awaiting your arrival filled will love, respect, and joy just beyond your horizon under the Son. All you have to do is be willing to leave the past behind. Let go of abusive toxic people and let God bring you loving, nurturing people into your life. We don't have to be a Savior for our primary & secondary abusers, because that job was filled a long time ago by Jesus. Our purpose in life is to love and be loved.