This Post was inspired by my Friends at WON and all the People who battle their way out of the KoN, heal from the KoN, discover we are a Person of Worth, that our Life has value, and that we deserve better than what any N can dish out.
The first step is to identify and accept the N's actions are toxic, harmful, dangereous, and eventually we realize that they are evil. Was this hurtful event a one time occurance, or is it a repeat pattern or habit? Has it happened more than once? If it has happened more than once, there is a lack of Empathy. If someone Truly cared about us, then would not reoffend, because they highly value us & the Relationship with us and the N would not want to hurt or destroy and lose the Relationship, the N would not want to lose us. Does the N treat others better? Does the N attack his/her Boss or Co-workers, Friends, Neigbors, other Family Members the way s/he attacks me? Why not? The N has complete awareness & control of who s/he attacks. The N's attacks are Victim Specific. For more about that, Click Here. When we are in a Toxic Relationship there are many things to discover. Some have to do with the N, but other things have to do with us. The greatest one for me was the Fear of Finding the Truth vs the Comfort of staying in Denial about the N and our Toxic Relationship. I spent the last 20 years Despirately Dancing with the Disordered. Do you feel like Alice in Wonderland who is looking into the Rabbit Hole, wondering whether or not you should venture in and hesistant, reluctant, or even a bit fearful of what you might find? Do you have internal conflict between staying where you are or venturing forward & wanting to find out more, yet you are worried about what you might find? Still there is this desire to find out more. If this is you I say Jump Alice Jump! Perhaps you are feeling more like Neo from the Movie, The Mattrix, you have just became aware that things don't seem to be what they appear, something is wrong, something is unsettling, something is off, but you are not quite sure what it is and why your relationship is not enjoyable, not working out, there is conflict & choas, mistrust, lack of Security & Peace, yet there are times were things are Good and you are Happy, so there is confusion. Is this a Healthy or Toxic Relationship, Good or Bad Relationship? Which is it? How do I decide? How do I know which choice to make? This is what I referred to as My Mattrix Moment, Click Here. You do not have to make a final decision right now. I would recommend keeping a Journal to record the AHA & WOW Moments, and any Revelationships you have about the N, yourself, and your Relationship. A Huge Giant I Battled along my Journey was Cognitive Dissonance, just a psychology term for Confusion due to two competing ideas, basically is the N Toxic or Not. And if the N is Toxic can the N be helped and Change and be come Healthy?
The two questions to ask, Is the N Healthy or Toxic to me? It does not matter if others think the N is a Good Person, maybe the N is Good to them, that is possible. Is the N Healthy or Toxic to you and/or your Children if you have any? Maybe the N is not harmful to you as much as someone you love, your Children, your Siblings, or your Parent, or your Friend. Then you must ask yourself, is witnessing the N hurt others Toxic to me?
Have you ever wondered, How are these hurtful & evil actions created? It comes from an toxic, twisted, pathological, evil Mind & Heart. What we think & feel we do. Being mean, hurtful, and evil makes Ns feel good. I know this sounds like Science Fiction, and this can't possibly be True. Check out:
Is your N a Mass Murderer or Serial Murderer? Well not in the Physical Sense, but definately in the Spiritual Sense. These Ns are Mass Serial Soul Murderers. What is the Penalty of a Soul Murder? What is the punishment for the N or P who damages or destroys their Victim's Quality of Life? What punishment do they get for destroying the person their Victims were created to be? Our Society has no punishment for these crimes. They get away with a Soul Murder. Even if a N or P serves time, it does not make up for what they have done to their Victims. They can not replace of give back what was stolen or destroyed. They can not heal the damage they caused, but God can. God can heal us through Trained Professionals, Friends, and most importantly through a personal relationship w/Jesus. Complete Healing can take place where only the henious memory of what the Ns or Ps have done remain. And these Memories no longer have the devasting power to haunt us. The pain of the past can become our BackStory. It does not define who we areToday.
Many People wonder if Ns and Ps are really truely Evil? I guess that depends on how you personally define Evil. What or Who are you comparing the N you N-countered to? Are you comparing the N against the worst Evil Being you ever heard of and then the N is "not at all that bad" or are you comparing the N to the Best Person you know and in that comparison the N is Harmful, Dangerous, Horrible & Evil. We can not compare Evil to Evil, because then we can easily come to the Wrong Conclusion, that "the N is not all that bad". We have to remind ourselves that we were created to have the Fulness of Life and even an Abundant Life filled with Joy, Hope, Peace, Passion, Safty, Security, etc and we are not to settle for anything else that would contaminate, damage, or destroy our Quality of Life. It is only when we begin to value Life and value our Life that anyone who seeks out to contaminate, damage or destroy it is a person who can be identified as Evil as an Enemy to our Self. My Quality of Life is directly related to how well I can identity Healthy vs Toxic, Helpful vs. Harmful, Normal vs. Narcissistic and Good vs Evil. Again it is how we establish what is Toxic, Harmul, Dangeous, and Evil, by what Standard we have of Heathly, Helpful, and Good. If you were born and raised in a KoN whether it was as severe as the one I was in or "not that bad" and People hurt you without lifting a finger, but the result in both KoN is that we grew up to be People who did not know our Value and Worth and therefore we settled, because we didn't realize there was Better or that we didn't deserve Better. Part of our Journey then included educating ourselves about Toxic & Counterfeit Love vs Healthy & Authentic Love. How do you know which kind you have in your Relationship? Here is some information to check out;
When we lower our Standard, then we get hurt, and we wonder why we keepgetting hurt? The Truth is our Standards are too Low. We settle. We compromise. And we pay the price. We compare the N to greater Evil, perhaps an Evil we grew up with, or one that we heard of and our thought processes go as followed; the N is (Not Nearly) that bad, (Not at All) that bad, the N is Good in comparison (to something worse), and I have something real good with the N (again compared to the Person that is much worse) . Do you see how our own Mind can deceive us andturn something Bad into something Good? We have come to the Wrong Conclusion about the N. Another Reason this Deception occurs is because we Belive the N is a Normal Person, and a Popular Social Cocept or Precept that we are taught is that Normal People are neither Good nor Bad. That we can not classify People into two Cateogories, we can not be Judgemental, and since we are not Perfect we have no right to identify someone as Good or Bad, which deters and even prevent us from discerning or determining whether or not someone is Healthy or Toxic. If we dear show any discernment we are told we are Hypocrits because we are not Perfect and we are being Judgemental. It is just not Politically Correct anymore to have discernment. I can understand how Society can send the Wrong Message to People, but what use to shock me and still deeply concerns me is how the Christians believe this as well when it goes against everything GOD teaches us.
This happened to me just last week. I was talking about how I am in the Process of trying to determine whether or not my Nsis #2 is Damaged or Disordered and whether or not there is Hope to Build a Bridge of Reconcilation. Does she have the desire or materials to build her side. I had spent all of 2 minutes to try explain a 20 year process of discernment and a fellow Chrisitan had said, he had concern that I was making a snap discission like he use to do and judging people and puting them in a box like he use to do. In the process of explaining the difference between what he was doing by making snap decissions and the process of discernment that I was going through for the last 20 years, another Christian berptly interrupted me and she said, that is the same thing, you are judging (implying I am judgemental and not being a Good Christian). Interesting that they would snap to judgment and accuse me of judging when in fact that is EXACTLY what they did to me. Had they took the time to listen they may have realized that my circumstance that has been going on for the past 20 years is not the same as their judgmental situation and "snapping to a conclusion" about someone. Needless to say this created a great divide and I will see if we can build a bridge through understanding & enlightenment or not. If not, I am not sticking around to be further judged by them for having discernment, because that is what GOD teaches us. Christ actually came to bring Separation between the Healthy vs. Toxic People. Are we suppose to have Discernment? Here are some things to check out. I am betting that might surprise you;
In order to have Healthy & Accurate Discernment we must be aware How we are comparing Situations, Relationships, a Person's Behavior & core Personality or Nature, aka Their True Identity. It is a Mind Manipulation that the Advertising World uses to give more value to something than it is actually worth. For example, if they want to sell a product, lets call that item Product (N) and make it stand out in a Good Way from the other choices, then they take the Product (N) and set it withLesser Quality Products, let's call those Lesser Quality Items Products (D-) and (F) making their Product (N) look real good by comparison, their item takes on a positive value (N+). However, if we take that very same Product (N) and have other Superior Quality Products around it, let's call those Superior Quality Items Products (A) and (B+) making their Product (N-) look real bad by comparison, then the costumer will not select the Product (N-) and see thatsame Product (N) as Inferior to the rest. The Customer will reject the inferior, Product (N) when s/he can see other superior choices (A) and (B+) available or at least exsist. Same Product (N) it doesn't change only what wecompare it to changes the Value of the product in our eyes. Discernment is effected by Association. What is the Quality of our Association. Basically what is the Percentage of Quality People we associate or interact with? Are there more (A) and (B+) or (D-) and (F) People. If you are in the Relationship with a N and your Friends have Ns and D- and F People that the N doesn't seem "As Bad" and seems "Real Good" in comparison. However, if you and N start hanging out with A and B+ People N True Quality & Value is revealed. Of course it all depends upon how you define an A Person. For me it is very basic, Where there is Love there is no abuse and Where there is Abuse there is No Love. A People are Abuse Free People, They can Recipocate Amazing Love, because they have empathy. They are not Perfect People, they make Normal Mistakes, do not cause abuse, and when they make mistakes & error they have Remorse and they don't do that again. They have changed behavior, they are repentant, because their desire is to love not hurt you.
Another example, you and your Siblings are at the reading of your Parent's Last Will and Testiment. All your life you have dreamt about taking a Cruise to your favorite destination, mine would be Hawaii or Italy, but I am not picky, if someone wants to gift me with a Trip, I will enjoy wherever it may be. So imagine, in the Will your Parent knows just how much you have wanted to go to your very favorite destination, let's say Hawaii, and leaves you with funds to fulfill this dream. How awesome is that right! Then you find out that your Sibling was been left his/her Private Island -- now your Trip to Hawaii fails in comparison. This is the reason People why some Nparents will put in their Will that Recipients are informed of what they are given separately. A trip to Hawaii has great value, but when you know that you could have had something more, and should have had something more, and deserved to have something more, what you have you no longer want.
It is how we attribute Value to something. People are not Products. We each have Intrinsic Value. The thing is the N Value is Harmful, Toxic, and Terrible, thus by their True Nature their Value is Nullified, Worth Nothing. This is the Reason why Ns Project. The N Projects his/her Nullified Value onto us, so that we think we have No Value and are Worthless, so that we appreciate the N when it is really that the N is Lesser-Than. The N's KoN gets its power from a Two-Way Projection. The N Projects his/her inferior qualities onto us, and we project our good & great qualities onto the N. The KoN is about Displaced Value & Worth. Check out how Life in the KoN is about a Two-Way Projection.
When we take the N and compare him/her to Loving, Trustworthy, Safe, Honorable, Kind, Empathetic, Healthy, Good People we see the N's true value, just how Harmful, Bad and Evil the N really is stands out. Again our Discernment is based on how we Compare and Contrast the N to others. The Greater the Contrast is achieve by the Quality of People you compare the N to. When the N is with other inferior quality the N either blends in or seems Good in comparison, and we come to the Wrong Conclusion about the N. It is about achieving the Accurate Perspective of the N. People from the KoN say, I never knew HOW bad the N was until I left. It wasn't until we started comparing the N to the Best of what we have Experienced that we realized that the N is the Worst, or at least one of the Worst we have ever personally experienced. It is only when we compare the N to the Best can we discover they are the Worst. Until then we deceive ourselves into thinking, "the N is not that Bad", and is Good, when the N is Terrible and Horrible enough whether or not the N is the Worst, or one of the Worst, or part of the Worst and hanging out on the Worst Team.
The Momster, the Demon Dad, or the Monster who attacked me when I was a Child, They may not be the Worst Ever in the World, but they are Worst Enough, they are Toxic Enough, and they are Evil Enough for me not to want to have anything to do with them. They are the Worst I ever experienced and I deserve better. I do not have to settle for someone from the Worst Team when I havemany to choose from the Best Team. The Best is not Perfect, because that is impossible, the Best is the Best Humans can be.
Who are you selecting your Friends from, your Spouse from or Family Members from -- Are you picking the Best from the Worst or the Best from the Best? Maybe you don't think it can get any Better, or you can not get any better, because you grew up with the Worst, and this is the Best that there is, or the Best you can find, or the Best that is available to you, because you think you don't qualify or that you don't deserve any Better, so you settle for one of the Worst, I have been there and felt that same way. I have felt like the Best Selection, or at least one of the Best from the Best Team in Life is only a Fairy Tale, or for the very Lucky who have won the Lotto of Life, but I was wrong. All it takes is (1) educating Self about the Best Qualities (2) training Self to select from the Best instead of the Worst.
Ns are Deceivers and pretend to be the Best, so as soon as they take off their Letterman jacket, that they stole from the Best Team, and reveal the real team that they are playing for, we got to kick them off our Team and tell them to go hang out w/their own kind. We have got to tell the Ns to go back to the Worst Team, because they don't have what it takes to be on the Best Team, the Healthy and Loving Team. This is a Life-Long Process of selecting the Best from the Best. We have to change us not the N, in that we have to change our Selection Process.
We have to change our Game Plan our Patterns and Stop saying "the N is not thatBad" and Realize that the N is Not any Good, or how about Not Good Enough. Even the "Good" things the N does is Bad because s/he does them with the Wrong Intentions & has a Hidden Agenda to manipulate and control by doing PerceivableGood Things. If we had a Healthy Standard to compare the N to we would discover the N does not have what it takes to be on the Best Team. That is what the N does not want us to do, so the N spends all his/her energy making sure we don't feel Good Enough. If we feel that we are not Good Enough, that we don't measure up, then we feel like we have something to prove to be accepted, to be Good Enough and we don't realize that it is Not us that does not qualify, but the N. That is the agenda of the N's KoN when the Truth is The N is Not Good Enough, and in many cases is not Good at all.
When we read Self-Help Books that ask us Am I Good Enough, or Will I Ever Be Good Enough I understand it is helpful to see it from the N's point of view that No we will never be Good Enough for the N, but that thought process is from a person who is stuck in Reactive Mode, the pattern we get into from being in the KoN. We need to become Proactive and ask, Will the N Ever Be Good Enough and much more important, Is the N Good Enough right now, AS IS, because w/Ns the odds are they are going to get worse not better with time, and they are not going to ever Change and ever be Good Enough, because they have No Desire to be what they are not and they deeply despise anyone who tries to help them become what they do not want to become -- which is a Truly Loving Person. Ns don't value Truly Loving People, because they know that by being a N they can use and abuse Loving People. They love the control, power, and manipulation over others too much to give that up and really be an Authentic Loving Person -- they might be able to put on a believeable Act for awhile, but they can not sustain it. Being Good comes Natural to Naturally Good People. It is not something that has to be forced upon us, we just do it. Sure not always perfect, but we desire to be Helpful where Ns desire to be harmful by using and abusing others. Ns are like Toxic Fruit, no matter how hard you try to get those deadly pesticides off, some harmful residue still remains.
The question is not are Ns Harmful, Dangerous, Toxic or Evil the question is, Are they Harmful, Dangerous, Toxic or Evil enough for You? My Nsisters do not see the Momster as Evil, and they do not think she would actually murder a person. To them their defintion of real Evil is limited to a Parent burring his/her Child in the backyard or killing you and dumping you in the ocean or the dumpster. To them the Momster has to actually try or succeed in killing them. As long as the Momster bakes them a Birthday cake she is not evil -- even if she uses rotten eggs. For a interesting illustration go to, They can dish it out, but wont take it.
My Journey of Self Discovery led me to understand that Discernment is a Gift. I am a Discerning Person and because I know who I am which is a Woman of Worth who has intrinsic value and power to cast down any all projected lies that tell me I am Lesser-Than or I am Judgmental because I dare to protect myself from the use and abuse of Ns. Having Discernment is a Great Gift from GOD do not let Ns tell you otherwise. Ns are Worse than Spoiled Rotten Children and they want us to devalue & discard our Gift of Discernment. Do not let them do that to you.
When trying to discover the Momster's True Nature or any N's True Nature I had to research two questions.
(1) Is the N Toxic Enough for me? And (2) Is the N Healthy/Good Enough for me?
The answer as you know if you have read my Blog is No and that is why the Momster is no longer in my Life. This August will be Two Years of NC and I have not regret my decision once. Do I want a Mom? Yes. Do I want that Toxic one? No.
Only you can decide the True Nature of the N in your Life and whether or not the N is Too Toxic and you need to have No Contact or Less Toxic and Low Contact, Highly Toxic and you need to have a Hallmark Relationship.
I wish you Peace and Happiness on your Journey and in Life. May the Fulness & Abundance of Life be yours.